"I'm Italian. We don't call the cops - we call family"

"The dumbest thing you can possibly do is piss off my wife. She will open the gates of hell and escort your a** right on in. And she will do it with a smile on her face"

"Pastor. Because hardcore devil stomping ninja isn't an official job title"

"Hey snowflake, in the real world you don't get a participation trophy, not everybody is a winner, no one owes you anything, screaming doesn't make you right, sometimes you actually lose, crying doesn't solve problems, nothing is free in this world, people are going to say things that you don't like and you are not special!"

"As a September guy, I'm the kind of friend who will help you hide a dead body, but if you betray me just remember I know how to hide a dead body"

"I came into this world kicking and screaming while covered in someone else's blood and I have no problem with going out the same way"

"I have been the kind of man that when my feet hit the floor each morning, the devil says 'oh crap, he's up!'"

"If this flag offends you, I'll help you pack"

"I may seem quiet and reserved but if you mess with me while I'm bowling, I will break out a level of crazy that will make your nightmares seem like a happy place"

"Beware: I ride horses, which means I own pitchforks, have the strength to haul hay and have the guts to scream at a half ton animal after being kicked. You will not be a problem"

"Too fat to run, too fat to fight, I JUST SHOOT"

"Oh, you ran a marathon? That's so cute! Maybe when you grow up your mommy will let you do the rest of the race!"

"I am the weapon"

"Only God can decide if terrorists are right or wrong. It's our job to arrange the meeting"

"Do I look like someone who cares what God thinks?"

"I am an asshole man: I love freedom, drink beer and love my wife. I protect my family, I eat meat and have tattoos. If you don't like it - move"

"I didn't serve this country for pussies to tell me that I should be politically correct"

"I have three sides: the quiet side, the fun and crazy side, the side you never want to see"

"As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I will fear no evil , for I am the baddest motherf***er in the valley"

"Peace is not my profession - it's yours. War is my profession. Should you fail at your job, I will not fail at mine"

"I am 10 times the asshole you could ever hope to be. Now run along"

"Careful, <...> I'm this old for a reason"

"Stay back 100 meters or you will be shot"

"There are a lot of people in the world to mess with, I'm the one you may wanna skip"

"Obama can't ban these guns"

"If this flag offends you, you need a history lesson"

"Forklift operator. My sense of humor may hurt your feelings or offend you. I suggest you buckle up, buttercup! I change for no one"

"I oil my guns with liberal tears"

"Never, and I mean never, mess with 4-H kids, because in 4-H we are a family... and if you mess with the family you better run"

"Cool story, babe. Now make me a sandwich"