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Katy Milkman, PhD, is a professor at The Wharton School of the University of Pennsylvania. She’s also the host of Charles Schwab’s popular behavioral economics podcast Choiceology and author of How to Change: The Science of Getting From Where You Are to Where You Want to Be.
The best-seller describes the little things you can do to make a big difference in your life.
"How did Google become the great[est] search engine? Because it has this very efficient algorithm. It takes the path of least resistance. It looks for a fast solution. And that's what we do too. We prefer to choose the easiest way to achieve any objective," Milkman said.
"Most goals fail. And if you aren't strategizing and making plans and setting goals and figuring out what could stand in your way and using the best science-based strategies, you're not giving yourself the best chance at success."
So, we decided to dig a little deeper and put together a list of psychological "hacks" that people have tested themselves and reviewed positively online.
This post may include affiliate links.
#1
I used the "gray rock" method on my narcissist brother in law.
Basically, I made myself so dull and boring and the opposite of drama that he learned to avoid me at all costs. It worked like a charm, and only took 4-5 encounters to take effect.
StrangeOne 2 days ago
I like doing this. My narcissist doesn't call as much and bothers me anymore. I just let her do all the talking. Now, she's more apt at wanting to get off the phone. Narcissists don't like to hear you talk about anything, except when it's something to gossip about to others. I don't give that ammo anymore.
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#2
Best one for kids, and this works wonders for behavioral problems. You never say "don't do x." I had a terror child in daycare and people would yell at him for acting out. I would start each day by saying "You're going to be a good boy today!" And every time he acted out I would say "wait, you're my good boy right?" He would say yes and stop doing it. When his mom came to get him I made a point to of telling her how good he was. That child never acted out around me after a week.
The Big Bad 2 days ago
Kids just want to be seen and liked in most cases. In my experience kids that act out the most actually just want to be seen by an adult. I always tell my students how awesome they are, because they are. I write them all a letter twice a year of things they did or about how good they are and how much they're liked by me and the class. All kids should be appreciated for who they are.
#3
If you work with clients, prevent them from getting defensive and angry by not using the word "you".
It's not "you didn't send the attachment", it's "the attachment didn't send". Don't blame them, blame the thing you're talking about.
I take my time when I write emails to clients because I like to word things *just* right...one word can be the difference between a happy client and an unhappy one. The right words in the right order can influence people to make decisions you want them to make. Words are powerful.
sturmwesen 2 days ago
I like to use "lets find a solution for the issue first since I know it's time sensitive, and look for the reason (blame) later" with luck they are happy it is fixed and forget to put the blame on anyone
#4
The concept of getting something for free completely derails a person's critical thinking skills.
My dad was tool distributor and drove a truck to various repair shops selling tools to mechanics.
He got an idea to start selling candy bars on his truck for one dollar. But you would get a free candy bar with every tool purchase.
Almost everyone who asked how much the candy bar was didn't want to pay a dollar for one, but they would buy a $100 socket set in order to get the candy bar for free.
#5
In an argument speak softly. It forces active listening which leads to active thinking. When they are listening and thinking they are not yelling, arguing, or talking.
Billo66 2 days ago
Single dad, 10f 12m. This is our method. We try to leave our drama and chaos at the door. When the yelling starts I remain calm and try to talk to them and reason it out. Usually works but with a 12 year old boy results may vary. One minute he's my boy and the next he's a grown man talkin down to me. It's tough lol But I get it. There is no spanking we don't do violence. We talk or get I get ignored, whatever lol
#6
You want someone you just met to like you? Ask them open-ended questions about themselves. Don't wait for your turn to speak. Listen, and then ask a follow-up question based on what they said. If you do that a couple of times, that person feels heard and appreciated by you. If they realize they're doing all the talking, they'll apologize and ask a question of you. If your answer is short and pivots back into something they said, you have now formed a connection in their mind as a good listener who is interested in what they have to say. People like that a lot.
The Big Bad 2 days ago
This isn't a trick, it really takes time and effort to be a good listener. When I began to do this it was really hard, since I get distracted very easily. After practicing it it's one of the most enjoyable things to do. They appreciate you because most people feel great when they're really listened to and you can appreciate then because they opened up to you. Win win.
#7
Does this count...? They aren't cool, but pretty helpful.
I sometimes have anxiety brain where I start to panic about the future or the past or whatever. I've learned to stop myself, and tell myself: "Hey, wait, you need to finish your job. Your job is...xxx"
So, for instance, I'll be doing dishes, get lost in thought, and start to get upset and anxious. I'll then tell myself, "hey, you have to finish doing the dishes, that's your job right now." And then I'll take a deep breath, or multiple deep breaths.
It's just another way to center yourself and bring yourself back to the present, but it's helpful. Hard to do it at first, but I've gotten good at it.
Also, sometimes anxiety brain can lead to some heavy, self-loathing, probably false thoughts. I've more recently taught myself that when that happens to stop, take a breath, and say one nice thing about myself.
So when bad brain goes into: "What the f**k Tammy Tangerine, you're the worst, I can't believe you f****d up that insignificant thing", I'll try and stop myself and say something like, "f**k that, no, I am kind."
That's a harder trick for sure, but I'm getting better at it.
#8
If you have trouble motivating yourself to do something like learn a skill (instrument, language etc.) tell yourself "Ok, I'll sit down and do this for just five minutes"
A lot of the time you'll end up going for much longer than five minutes, but even if you don't it's still five minutes of practice in whatever the heck you wanted to learn in the first place.
#9
When you're walking through a crowded hallway, if you keep your eyes focused in the exact direction you're going, people will naturally clear out of your way because we sub-consciously use eye-contact with people in order to navigate around each other.
#10
Have a toddler that is in a bad mood? Sit down with them, look them straight in the eye, and say "You're mad, so don't laugh." Just keep repeating it as seriously as you can.
I've done it for 15 different cousins over a couple of decades, and by the fifth repetition of "DON'T LAUGH" they are busting a gut and rolling on the floor.
#11
If someone won't stop talking or let you get a word in, drop something (keys, pen). Reach down to pick them up and start talking. It's a way to interrupt without the other person realizing it.
StrangeOne 2 days ago
This does not work with narcissists. They will get angry, scowl at you and continue talking.
#12
Giving students in my elementary class the illusion of choice. If you ask "do you want to start your work?" Or "isn't it time we got something done?" I modify it to-
"Would you like to do your assignment with a pencil or blue pen?" They are too consumed with this choice that they have forgotten that they didn't want to do it in the first place.
Also, every recess-
"Did you push jimmy?" "No."
"Ok umm two people saw you do it, and reported it to me. Are you sure you didn't?" "In sure."
Then change it to "can you tell me *why* you pushed him?"
"Well it's because..."
Gets'em every time.
Danish Susanne 2 days ago
When a hysterically weeping child comes in and there is even the slightest trace of blood to be seen, I say: You need a bandage, do you want the one with Spiderman or My little pony? Making the choice usually makes them forget to weep.
#13
When someone asks me a question that I don't want to answer, I *always* say "Why do you ask?" It's my go-to.
StrangeOne 2 days ago
A narcissist will always say back "Oh, I'm just asking." No, they're not and do not like being questioned for asking nosy, uncomfortable questions. A sane person will just ask if it was a weird question and maybe reiterate their question or let it slide.
#14
If someone is talking or preoccupied, you can hold out your hand and they'll give you whatever they're holding. I did it to my sister with the car keys and made her think she lost them somewhere at the store.
Marnie 1 day ago (edited)
The reverse is also true. My son's favorite trick is when listening to someone talking, without batting an eye, he'll hold out something and people almost always just take it and keep talking. Empty gum wrapper, balled up piece of paper, anything at all, they'll take it.
#15
The Flinch. Whether you're negotiating a raise, the sale price of a car you want to buy, who does what chores around the house, always flinch visibly at the first and sometimes second offers. The Flinch can be as simple as a small wince, a sigh, or an eyeroll. The Flinch quite often causes people to lowball the initial offer. I learned this from my was-husband and it freaking works. Got my current job at 10% over the max salary because I flinched.
#16
One of my friends was taking Psych 101 in college, and she referenced something called "confusing". The example was to use a word or phrase out of context as a means to diffuse a situation.
Our Boss (who was always kind of a jerk to her): WHY WERE YOU LATE TODAY?!?
My friend: Oh, my goodness! Traffic was so *armadillo!* I'm so very sorry!
Our Boss: Um, okay...don't let it happen again.
Shannon Donnelly 1 day ago
I can just imagine doing this with my former boss, because I know exactly how he would have responded: “What the f**k is wrong with you? Did you take your meds today?!” Lmao
#17
My favorite is silently maintaining eye contact when a person is attempted to bargain or convince you of something that you don't want to do, or don't believe.
They usually end up negotiating with themselves (which gives you a huge advantage because once that happens, it is pretty much game over).
Moonie Pinkslip 1 day ago
Yeah, it's the old trick of staying silent and letting the other person derail themselves by continuing to talk...it works every time!
#18
When you're talking to someone who's being defensive and there is a pause in the conversation, let them fill it.
Anonymous: They'll incriminate themselves.
Casey Tuohey 2 days ago
Give them the opportunity to supply the rope and apply the noose. A guilty conscience is loud AF.
#19
I don't know if this fits but when a kid gets hurt a little and all the adults start freaking out the kids gonna f*****g cry. Tell the gullible little s**t "Oh, you're fine. You're not hurt." For little things, like a scraped knee, it's worked like a charm for me at keeping them happy. For serious injuries it can help them to keep calm. Nothing tells a kid that everything is wrong and they're gonna die like all the adults around them acting like it.
edit: Yeah, yeah, maybe I shouldn't tell a kid what to feel and maybe I shouldn't invalidate their feelings. Like I give a f**k, I'm not the bloody parent. I just hate the wailing of children and this is my **trick** to get them to stay relatively quiet. The question was "What are the coolest psychology **tricks** that you know or have used?" not "What parenting strategy should everyone try out?".
#20
I had a very strange encounter with a co-worker once. We were on a break, had chatted a bit, the usual mundane, "are you married, etc, do you have kids" and when I said no, she waited, staring at me, for me to continue. Boy did that ever work, the longer she stared the more I babbled, I couldn't stop talking. I'd finish a sentence, she kept staring and I'd start talking again and not because she was politely listening. She was compelling me to talk. I have no idea why she did that, if it was just her way or if she does that to learn things about people but it was the creepiest conversation I have ever had. I'm older now so that wouldn't work on me but it sure was effective at the time.
Casey Tuohey 2 days ago
I wonder how much success this gains in male v female responses. Women of a certain age were conditioned to maintain the flow of conversation and to let a silence go too long was anathema. Now I know, my information is mine. And if I’m not compelled legally to comply, it’s my gift to share.
#21
When something funny happens and people or a person in a group laughs, they will look at the person they like or care about in the group the most to see if they're laughing too. When you notice this it's quite easy to tell who likes who.
CrunChewy McSandybutt 2 days ago
What if they were looking at that person to see who they like?
#22
The Primacy Effect (you're more likely to remember the first item on a list) and the Recency Effect (you're more likely to remember the last item on a list).
If I'm listing groceries for my husband, I make the most important items into bookends. If I'm talking to the parent of one of my students about their kid's behaviour, I always list good, bad, good. They get the information about the bad, but what they remember about the conversation is how they felt good and saw that I care about their kid.
#23
When playing rock, paper, scissors stop right before and ask "without looking, can you tell me what color your shirt is?" and people seem to always pick scissors after. I've done it to maybe 20 people and got the same result every time.
#24
Before a coinflip say "heads i win, tails you lose". do it quick and they wont even notice.
#25
If someone says something to you but you don't hear it, then when you ask them to repeat it they say "Nevermind" and sulk, just say,
"Okay." in a totally disinterested manner and go back to whatever it was you were doing. Most of the time, they'll pout for a second, then say something like "What I was *GOING* to say was...".
Casey Tuohey 2 days ago
Some people legit have hearing problems. When they pout to my legit deafness .. sadness. Not my problem. Told you 723 times and drew 12 pictures.
#26
Silence. I have found that saying nothing is often the most powerful tool of negotiation. I once sold a car with 350,000 miles on it for my asking price, because when the guy was walking around it and pointing out the flaws I never said a word. He talked and talked, and I never responded. Finally he talked himself right into buying the car. I would have gone down $1500 but he never demanded an answer out of me.
#27
I don't "give" de-worming medicines to my dog, I put them down on the floor and "take" them from him. I guard them, get between them and him, and tell him not to touch them.
He gulps them down before I can fake-take them from him.
Becky Samuel 2 days ago
Ouch. This is one poorly trained animal. A dog shouldn't be grabbing at food on the floor, and it definitely shouldn't be a battle between you and them, that's a recipe for disaster. What happens when you drop a real medication on the floor? Or a piece of food drops by your feet when you're holding a pan of hot oil or boiling water? It's not difficult to train a dog that food is not theirs until they are given permission.
#28
If you want to calm someone down, sympathize with them whilst describing what's upsetting them in descending orders of magnitude.
I understand why you're angry
you're right to be frustrated
This would annoy me too.
As they accept the acknowledgements they want they should also accept the declining emphasis on emotion and become calmer.
Lady Eowyn 2 days ago
In the whole history of calming down, no one has ever calmed down by being told to calm down.
#29
Many people (I would say most, maybe almost all) are surprisingly susceptible to flattery and being told what they want to hear. People tend to shy away from this strategy, thinking it will be too obvious and clumsy, but just try it. It's as if being flattered or hearing people agree with you gives people a rush of pleasurable hormones to the brain.
#30
If you haven't slept well, tell your brain "I slept well". You will feel fresh. It works like miracle.
Want to defeat a narcissist who insults you? Don't react. Just ignore him completely in front of others. It will hurt his image and he will stop poking you.
Want to know if someone is attentive or not? Repeat your sentence with a slight change in it. If he is listening either his facial expression will change or he will point out and question the part.
Want to know a person is lying to fit in a group? Just watch his eyes when he talks, if his eyes seeks validation from others for what he said, then he is pretending. A liar /pretender always seeks validation for his talks to fit in the group.
Giving a presentation ? Always bring a bottle of water to the stage. When you can’t remember what to say, take a drink. Nobody will know the difference.
Poll Question
What aspect of behavioral economics do you find most intriguing?
Algorithms like Google's efficiency
Science-based strategies for success
Psychological 'hacks'
Setting and planning goals
What do you think ?
Rick Murray 2 days ago
This may be a neurodivergent vs neurotypical thing... I don't like speaking to people in important situations because I like to take time to process what it is that I want to say. So when I was called to see my boss about a situation at work (with someone else), I didn't immediately reply to her question as I wanted to be careful what I actually said. I guess I took too long as she got freaked out by the silence and started to fill it by volunteering more details. I kept silent, trying to assimilate this new information and she kept on going. I think at the end she said way more than she intended and filled in plenty of blanks about the other person's behaviour. Lost for a suitable response I just said "thank you, may I go now?". I think she took that as livid, rather than just confused. But it worked out in my favour, that other person no longer works with me...or there at all. So letting my boss fill the silence was quite revealing.
Lost Panda 2 days ago
My wife uses one on me that I fall for everytime. She starts to say something and will say "nevermind" or "It's not important." My dumb self cannot leave well enough alone and will get sucked into the "no tell me" phase, and then comes the jab below the belt comment.
Simon Chen 1 day ago
Yep, a lot of lifecoach bs wich heard or did read many times before and most of it just does not work in the real world. But everybody feels so clever of they can share their bs wisdom. All this "lifechangeing" advises here are the astrology of our time.
Rick Murray 2 days ago
This may be a neurodivergent vs neurotypical thing... I don't like speaking to people in important situations because I like to take time to process what it is that I want to say. So when I was called to see my boss about a situation at work (with someone else), I didn't immediately reply to her question as I wanted to be careful what I actually said. I guess I took too long as she got freaked out by the silence and started to fill it by volunteering more details. I kept silent, trying to assimilate this new information and she kept on going. I think at the end she said way more than she intended and filled in plenty of blanks about the other person's behaviour. Lost for a suitable response I just said "thank you, may I go now?". I think she took that as livid, rather than just confused. But it worked out in my favour, that other person no longer works with me...or there at all. So letting my boss fill the silence was quite revealing.
Lost Panda 2 days ago
My wife uses one on me that I fall for everytime. She starts to say something and will say "nevermind" or "It's not important." My dumb self cannot leave well enough alone and will get sucked into the "no tell me" phase, and then comes the jab below the belt comment.
Simon Chen 1 day ago
Yep, a lot of lifecoach bs wich heard or did read many times before and most of it just does not work in the real world. But everybody feels so clever of they can share their bs wisdom. All this "lifechangeing" advises here are the astrology of our time.
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