Where to start…

Stabbed myself in the foot with a garden fork while aggressively aerating my garden. Figured ouch but it’ll be fine. The next day it was twice the size and a very ugly shade of purple. Ended up in A&E on an antibiotic drip plus a course of antibiotics to take home and a tetanus jab.

Sawed my thumb with a bow saw.

Chopped the same thumb on the same day with an axe. Luckily I was only a kid at that point so not strong enough to do any serious damage.

Took the front of my shin right off trying to vault a wall, I could see the bone. Also as a kid.

As an adult, I was taking a pizza out of the oven. Had a pizza stone with a metal cradle. Foolishly lifted the cradle away wearing oven gloves which had no grip and it swung round and landed on my forearm; it was a pretty nasty burn which also needed hospital attention.

There’s more, but you get the idea.

ETA I also stabbed myself in the hand separating frozen burgers with a kitchen knife. The tip of the knife came right out of the other side of my hand. Luckily it went between my metacarpals otherwise that could’ve been lasting damage.

All in all, I think I’m pretty lucky to be alive, but pretty damn stupid for not learning from any of it.

Oh I have a few...


Broke my leg slipping in a patch of booze whilst dancing enthusiastically to The Prodigy.


Broke my toe by stubbing it on a corner whilst hoovering naked.


Had to have 15 stitches in my hands when I picked my cat up to rescue it from a fight with anther cat.


Fell over putting my socks on and gave myself a black eye - I tried to break my fall, but punched myself instead.

Slipped a disk in my neck because my cat made me jump

Had the wind close an iron gate onto my head

Had a wasp fly into my face when I was standing at the top of the stairs and ended up at the bottom of the stairs a lot quicker than I would have liked

Tripped up on my own feet in an attic bedroom and ended up on the landing, fell 8 foot flat onto my back

When fishing I badly messed up a cast and got a hook stuck in my a**e cheek

Think I will stop there, or this post could go on for a while

I was playing cricket and at tea I was walking back from the clubhouse, fell over fresh air and trying to protect my pork pies & vital goodies I broke 2 fingers.

I once inverted a loft ladder into the loft, lay on it and said "thunderbirds are go", released the latch and ejected myself out of the loft onto the concrete floor below.

A dog fell off a 3rd floor balcony and landed on my head.

Knocked me onto the iron gate of our ground floor flat and I fracture my jaw.

Got my arm caught up in my top when getting changed and in yanking it out, punched myself in the mouth and burst my lip.

Cut my hand on a broken, frozen chicken nugget.

Edit: This is by far the most upvoted comment I've ever made, so thanks.
My first job was in a chip shop. I had to get some nuggets out of one of the giant, overloaded and frosty stand up freezers. I plunged my hand into the box and when it came out there was blood everywhere. When I scraped some of the contents out, there was a nugget that had broken so had a glass shard-like edge.
I had to sit down for 5 minutes whilst the bleeding stopped. It seemed pretty daft at the time and it would appear that about a thousand people on the Internet seen to agree.