How do you think the unthinkable?

... With an itheberg.

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied,
“When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.”

So next Sunday he took the monsignors advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:


1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his a*s.

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.

8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the s**t out of him.

9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his a*s.

10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T"

11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me."

12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."

13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A- Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.

14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

Knock knock

Hike.

Hike who?

Unsuspecting friend.

I await with baited breath.

Sets the perfect trap.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the dumb guys house.

Knock, knock. Who's there?
It's the chicken.

A guy from the city is out driving in the country.

He passes a farm and sees the farmer holding a pig up, so the pig can eat apples out of an apple tree. The city slicker has never seen anything like that, so he stops, hops the fence and approaches the farmer.

"What in the world are you doing?" the city slicker asks.

"Holdin' up mah pig, so he can eat apples out tha tree," the farmer says.

"Why not shake the tree, and let your pig eat the apples off the ground?" the city slicker says. "Wouldn't that save a lot of time?"

"Well," the farmer says, "What's time to a pig?".

My friend got me an elephant for my room. I said thanks and she said, don’t mention it.

An old man is lying on his death bed with his wife at his side. They had 3 kids but the last one, Steve, looked nothing like the first 2 so he was always suspicious. The old man looked at his wife and says: "Hunny, it doesn't matter at this point but I need to know. Is Steve my son?" His wife smiles and says: "I swear to you, he is your son". The old man then dies peacefully. Then his wife says: "thank god he didn't ask about the first 2".

Norm told this best:

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The bartender looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you can talk!" exclaims the bartender.

"I see your ears are working, too," says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly, sorry about that" says the bartender as he pours the duck a pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing around this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."

The flabbergasted bartender cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the bartender says to him:

"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"

"Sounds marvelous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the bartender says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."

"I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck. "Where is it?"

"At the circus," says the bartender.

"The circus?" repeats the duck.

"That's right," replies the bartender.

"The circus?" the duck asks again. "With the big TENT?"

"Yeah!" the bartender replies.

"With all the animals who live in CAGES, and performers who live in CARAVANS?" says the duck.

"Of course," the bartender replies.

"And the tent has CANVAS sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.

"That's right!" says the bartender.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says: "What would they want with a plasterer???".