I was having a farting contest with my cousin in the bathroom. She let out one of those ones that ends in an upturned squeak, like her a*****e was meekly asking me a question. I lost it and threw my head back in laughter, and when my head came back down, it was into the granite countertop. at like 127 mph. I split my forehead open and had to go to the ER for stitches.But wait^theresmore.

In the ER, one of the nurses asked how I cut my forehead and I told her I was laughing at a fart. She laugh-farted in response.


I was 11 so obviously it was the funniest goddamn thing that had ever happened to me.


Anyway I’m 30 now and still have that stupid scar right between my eyebrows and sometimes I remember how I ruined thanksgiving like 20 years ago and then a nurse farted and I laugh.

My grandfather once sent me a birthday card for my 16th birthday. It was made on his color printer using PaintShop Pro on a 8.5 x 11 sheet of paper then folded in half twice.

The front was a stretched clip art cartoon teenager next to 16 clip art poops all stacked up.

The inside said "Sixteen years old?! I didn't know they could stack s**t that high!"

The envelope contained 1 dime.

He was of sound mind, but also a huge a*****e.

My brother in law is a pretentious and spoiled prick from a wealthy family. He was snobby so I didn't like him at all. He didn't like me either. So, one Christmas we accidentally got each other the same present. Ugly, crappy $2.00 clearance sweaters from KMart.

It was the worst and best gift I ever received. I was very young, grade four or five, and it was my birthday. I occasionally hung out with a girl around the block from me, and I had invited her. Even at my young age, I understood that her family was not well off. The gift she brought me was literally a box of tissue. Some of the kids laughed, of course, but I remember just being puzzled at first, maybe a joke by her. But then I clued into the notion that she had probably taken the tissue box from her house, wrapped it, and brought it to the party without her parents knowledge. I remember actually being a little choked up realizing how very kind and very brave she must have been to show up at my party with her tissue box, knowing it could be ridiculed and that she liked me enough to do that. That day was a lesson.

Wherever you are, Janet. Thank you.