We had a group of teenagers come through with a little kid about 4 or 5 years old. My haunt was scripted, so the group stopped at my station and I could tell the little one was ready to lose it. I toned it way down for the little guy. His older brother was an absolute s**t squirrel. He kept telling the kid I'd be coming to their house to [end] him later. I stopped completely, broke character and got down on the kid's level. As loudly as I could, I told the little one that nobody from my haunt would be coming to his house to [end] him and that his brother sucked. Told the kid he was braver than all of the teenagers who thought it was fun to scare a little kid. I promised him that he would make it through just fine and nobody would get him. We had tour guides at our haunt, so the guide went ahead of the group and put the word out. The rest of the cast made things as fun as hell for the kid.

When my 30th birthday hit, my wife had just left me for the man she had cheated with, my family was on vacation out of the country, and none of my friends remembered what day it was. What should’ve been a milestone celebration became one of the bleakest days of my life.

Then I met a woman who lived on the opposite coast. We didn’t really click until our mutual friends got married. That night, we sat on the beach talking until the sun came up, and after she flew home, we kept in touch by phone every morning and every evening.

A few months later, as my 31st birthday approached, she called to say she was coming to stay for two weeks—that was my gift. She also said she’d make up for my 30th. She didn’t lie—those were two of the happiest weeks of my life. And at the end of her stay, we decided to get married. That was over 30 years ago. She’s sitting by the fire as I write this.

1. erections are involuntary. Sometimes a response to mental or physical stimulation, but sometimes you can find yourself having an erection you don't want, and everyone thinks you're horny when you're not.
2. we have a stitchline on our balls from when the labia fused in the womb to create what then became the ballsack.
3. we all have a shoebox of old wires, adapters, connectors, and cables.
4. sometimes we slam doors and break things, not because we're angry or anything like that, but it can be hard to control your strength sometimes, so you might slam a door and then instantly recoil like "oh f**k oh f**k oh f**k" because you realized you shut it too hard - this is also why some men might be averse/scared to choke or slap girls in bed who ask for it; we don't want to cause actual harm, and it's very easy to accidentally go too hard.
5. I don't know anything about, nor talk about, my friends' partners. I care about my friends, but I don't ever think to ask about their partners. whether it's a person they're dating, or one they're set to marry.
6. A lot of guys can be satisfied with a mattress on the floor, a tv and a fridge with only basic supplies. Anything else is nice-to-have, but not necessary for us to want to spend our entire weekend at home just lounging around.
7. and of course, we spend years trying different positions to optimize our fart-sounds.

Let’s send the 19 year old girl to the high crime area, what could go wrong?
I delivered pizzas for a chain when I was 19. I didn’t have a cellphone at the time, but this event spurred me to get one. I was a day driver mostly, and I was working for probably a couple months at the time. I get a delivery for a street that apparently has a lot of crime. One of my managers instructed me to only carry $15 in change, and to call 911 if I needed to. I reminded him that I didn’t have a cellphone. He said “That’s okay, just scream 911!” So now that I was nervous, I set out for my destination. I get out, lock my car, and deliver the pizza with no problem. Breathe a sigh of relief, go to open my car and... I locked my keys in my car. Some of the neighbors were out playing basketball in the street, and saw me. One of them lent me a cell to call the shop. The one manager that could help me, had driven into work on his motorcycle, so he had to drive home, get his truck and tools. When he asked me where I was, his response was something like “c**p, there of all places?!” So yeah, instilling more confidence in me/s. But in actuality the people on the street were very kind. Various conversations ensued, like “How good is your insurance? We could just break a window.” And “Hey man, couldn’t you break into it for her?” “Naw man, it’s been years since I’ve broken into cars” . I didn’t want to pay for damages to my car, because I did not know what the insurance on the car was. So they just kept me company for the couple hours it took for my manager to arrive with tools to open my car. Drove back to the shop to clock out for the day. Any time I drove through that area after the incident, the locals waved at me. It’s one of my favorite memories from that time.

My husband absolutely mortified himself while asking me out. We were chatting while I was driving, and I was lamenting the ways of the f**k boy and how I was growing tired of them. We were on the way to his mom's house. As we pulled onto her street, he suddenly squeaked out, "Will you go out with me?" in this super prepubescent style of voice. Like it cracked and everything. I couldn't help but laugh and asked him if he wanted to try again. After two more attempts, he finally went into Demon Mode and just kinda growled the question out. I said yes to dating him right there in his mom's driveway, and then immediately greeted her with "Hey mom!" Lmao We passed one year married this past Memorial Day.

The most mortifying thing I did was sleep talk. I've had a habit of it all my life, and we were maybe a week into dating. He couldn't sleep because my place was new to him and he was very very nervous being so near to me. I apparently slept talked and told him I love you that night. When he finally told me about it months later after we finally said I love you while awake and coherent to each other, I couldn't stop hiding and blushing.