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40 Comedy Quotes From Famous Folk That Might Make Your Sides Split From Laughter

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Are you a standup comedy fan? Admittedly, this type of entertainment is not for everyone. However, if you are having not the best day of your life, all it may take to brighten things up for you are a couple of funny quotes. After all, scientists keep saying that laughter is the best medicine and prolongs your life.

Some comedians are so good at their job, they can come up with funny sayings not only when they are on stage but also during interviews or on social media. But you don’t need to be a professional comedian with one-liners up your sleeve at all times to be considered witty. Some celebrities also have quite a reputation for making us laugh in real life. One good example would be Ryan Reynolds, whose entertaining and sometimes sarcastic quotes on Twitter earned him a huge following.

And of course, Mr. Deadpool is not the only celebrity with quick wits. If you are looking for funny quotes for bio on your social media accounts, or funny short captions for today’s selfie, we have gathered quite a collection of witty things comedians and other celebrities have once said. You can come back to this article anytime you need funny inspirational quotes to help you through the day, a witty response to an email, or just a good laugh.

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#1

40 Comedy Quotes From Famous Folk That Might Make Your Sides Split From Laughter "Twenty years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs. Now we have no Cash, no Hope and no Jobs. Please don't let Kevin Bacon die." - Bill Murray

357points

Natalie Toublanc 2 years ago

Excellent :))

43points

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#2

“Wouldn’t exercise be more fun if calories screamed while you burned them?“ – Bill Murray

282points

Katrina Anderson 2 years ago

Yaaasss!

40points

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#3

40 Comedy Quotes From Famous Folk That Might Make Your Sides Split From Laughter “Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment.“ – Betty White

275points

Mayra 2 years ago

If a tree falls on vacation and doesn’t post about it, does it really make a sound…

68points

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#4

"Racism isn't born, folks, it's taught. I have a two-year-old son. You know what he hates? Naps. End of list." - Denis Leary

274points

Mark Serbian, PK&RG,W 2 years ago

Truth

36points

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#5

40 Comedy Quotes From Famous Folk That Might Make Your Sides Split From Laughter “When people say ‘it’s always the last place you look’. Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you’ve found it?” ― Billy Connolly

269points

Not Telling you 2 years ago

That statement never made sense to me anyway

38points

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#6

"A new report says that dogs can sniff out prostate cancer with almost 98 percent accuracy. The report also finds that cats can sniff it out with 100 percent accuracy, but they prefer to watch you die." – Conan O’Brien

260points

SquirrelWatcher 2 years ago

I laughed a little too much on this one 😂

41points

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#7

40 Comedy Quotes From Famous Folk That Might Make Your Sides Split From Laughter "I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do. And for those who like country music, denigrate means to 'put down.'" - Bob Newhart

250points

Jason Leaf 2 years ago

A rare zinger from the buttoned-down mind of BN.

44points

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#8

“I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.“ – Lily Tomlin

234points

Mark Serbian, PK&RG,W 2 years ago

Lily Tomlin is a National Treasure

97points

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#9

40 Comedy Quotes From Famous Folk That Might Make Your Sides Split From Laughter "I used to work at McDonald's making minimum wage. You know what that means when someone pays you minimum wage? You know what your boss was trying to say? 'Hey, if I could pay you less, I would, but it's against the law.'" - Chris Rock

229points

t c w 2 years ago

The reality check when working for minimum wage is when you buy something and realize how many hours you had to work to buy it

93points

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#10

"A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it." - Bob Hope

225points

Jason Leaf 2 years ago

A good joke from one of Bob Hope's many paid writers.

19points

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#11

40 Comedy Quotes From Famous Folk That Might Make Your Sides Split From Laughter "I look at husbands the same way I look at tattoos. I want one, but I can't decide what I want and I don't want to be stuck with one I'm just going to grow to hate and have to have surgically removed later." - Margaret Cho

208points

Jason Leaf 2 years ago

Buyer's remorse.

32points

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#12

"People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made." - Joan Rivers

206points

t c w 2 years ago

The unhappiness about money is when you have none

45points

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#13

40 Comedy Quotes From Famous Folk That Might Make Your Sides Split From Laughter "It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads." — Andy Borowitz

202points

Nina Harper 2 years ago

Sadly, yes...(heavy sigh)

32points

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#14

“True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country.“ – Kurt Vonnegut

186points

Mark Serbian, PK&RG,W 2 years ago

He's right ...

32points

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#15

40 Comedy Quotes From Famous Folk That Might Make Your Sides Split From Laughter “I’m sure wherever my Dad is, he’s looking down on us. He’s not dead, just very condescending.” – Jack Whitehall

182points

Jason Leaf 2 years ago

Clever

22points

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#16

“‘What’s a couple?’ I asked my mum. She said, ‘Two or three’. Which probably explains why her marriage collapsed.” – Josie Long

182points

Somewhat-Guilty 2 years ago

That's exactly why my last relationship ended... Dumb@$$ didn't know there's supposed to only be two in a couple.

41points

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#17

40 Comedy Quotes From Famous Folk That Might Make Your Sides Split From Laughter "Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn’t mean the circus has left town." – George Carlin

174points

Katrina Anderson 2 years ago

Lol! So true!

17points

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#18

40 Comedy Quotes From Famous Folk That Might Make Your Sides Split From Laughter "I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member." – Groucho Marx

164points

Mark Serbian, PK&RG,W 2 years ago

Should be higher up the list!

27points

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#19

“The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory.“ – Paul Fix

164points

Jason Leaf 2 years ago

I must be ancient, because this is the person I associate with that name: Paul_Fix-6...96da6c.jpg

19points

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#20

“Doing nothing is very hard to do… you never know when you’re finished.” — Leslie Nielsen

161points

Jason Leaf 2 years ago

It's true. I've never finished doing nothing.

37points

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#21

40 Comedy Quotes From Famous Folk That Might Make Your Sides Split From Laughter "May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house." – George Carlin

158points

Jason Leaf 2 years ago

My fave Carlin quote: "Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist."

117points

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#22

"I finished a big book the other day. 421 pages. That’s a lot of coloring when you think about it." - Adam Sandler

153points

Alana Voeks 2 years ago

How well did he color is the question

8points

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#23

40 Comedy Quotes From Famous Folk That Might Make Your Sides Split From Laughter "A day without sunshine is like, you know, night." – Steve Martin

149points

Jason Leaf 2 years ago

"It says 'sprocket', not socket."

9points

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#24

“What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom? A pickpocket snatches watches.“ – Redd Foxx

140points

Benjamin Brogan 2 years ago

🤣 Hilarious!

19points

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#25

40 Comedy Quotes From Famous Folk That Might Make Your Sides Split From Laughter "I have enough money to last me the rest of my life… unless I buy something." - Jackie Mason

136points

Jason Leaf 2 years ago

Or, "...as long as I die tonight."

39points

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#26

"There is no sunrise so beautiful that it is worth waking me up to see it." ― Mindy Kaling

136points

kathryn stretton 2 years ago

Sorry, disagree.

31points

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#27

40 Comedy Quotes From Famous Folk That Might Make Your Sides Split From Laughter "My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them." – Mitch Hedberg

128points

Jason Leaf 2 years ago

Mitch continues to harvest the kind of humor pioneered by Steven Wright.

20points

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#28

"I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort." – Zach Galifianakis

128points

Jason Leaf 2 years ago

Snow forts, tree forts, blanket forts; I must've built forty forts.

29points

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#29

40 Comedy Quotes From Famous Folk That Might Make Your Sides Split From Laughter "I told him comedy—real comedy—wasn’t only tellin’ jokes. It was about telling the truth..." - Richard Pryor

127points

Jason Leaf 2 years ago

No one used their real life experiences in comedy as much as Pryor did.

34points

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#30

“Humor is just another defense against the universe.” ― Mel Brooks

126points

Mark Serbian, PK&RG,W 2 years ago

I've lived my life by this rule. I just wish the rest of the world understood the wisdom in humor.

42points

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#31

40 Comedy Quotes From Famous Folk That Might Make Your Sides Split From Laughter “If God had written the Bible, the first line should have been ‘It’s round.'” – Eddie Izzard

124points

Jason Leaf 2 years ago

In the beginning there was nothing, and the Lord said, let there be light. And there was light. Mind you, there was still nothing, but now youse could see it.

66points

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#32

"By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere." - Billy Crystal

118points

Jason Leaf 2 years ago

In other words, be as reckless as you can be for as long as you can.

14points

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#33

40 Comedy Quotes From Famous Folk That Might Make Your Sides Split From Laughter “I did not climb to the top of the food chain to eat carrots.“ – Ron White

117points

Not Telling you 2 years ago

Agreed

10points

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#34

“The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.” — Mark Russell

117points

Sam Juan 2 years ago

Those rings must be getting huge right about now.

34points

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#35

“If someone else is paying for it, food just tastes a lot better.“ — Gilbert Gottfried

115points

Angel 2 years ago

It's kinda like how sandwiches are always better when my mom makes it. 🤷🏼‍♀️

50points

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#36

40 Comedy Quotes From Famous Folk That Might Make Your Sides Split From Laughter “There’s 5 levels of fatness! Fluffy is one of the levels. There’s big, healthy, husky, fluffy and damn.“ – Gabriel Iglesias

115points

Jason Leaf 2 years ago

There's also a level where your gravitational attraction affects the tides and the lunar orbit.

33points

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#37

40 Comedy Quotes From Famous Folk That Might Make Your Sides Split From Laughter “The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was a genius.“ – Sid Caesar

106points

Ambra Finstad 2 years ago

The guy who put a stick in between them was the genius.

39points

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#38

“As long as the world is turning and spinning, we’re gonna be dizzy and we’re gonna make mistakes.” — Mel Brooks

104points

Mark Serbian, PK&RG,W 2 years ago

Mel Brooks is a National Treasure

43points

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#39

40 Comedy Quotes From Famous Folk That Might Make Your Sides Split From Laughter “Anyone can be confident with a full head of hair. But a confident bald man – there’s your diamond in the rough.“ – Larry David

100points

Eat Dirt Crow 2 years ago

There's only a few perfect heads in this world, the rest are covered in hair.

9points

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#40

"I’ve been fired a lot. I prefer to call it just another stop on my Burning Bridges Tour." - Maria Bamford

98points

Eff the haters 2 years ago

"We'll burn that bridge when we come to it" is one of my fave sayings

11points

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#41

“Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.” — Jack Handey

50points

Catlady6000 2 years ago

And a very nice head start

6points

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#42

“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.” — George Burns

47points

Whos Whoo 2 years ago

Now that's funny cos I'm that old

5points

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#43

"I don’t want to die before my parents die, especially my mother. Because I think that’s tragic. Because I don’t want her to get the chance to pick out what I’m going to wear for eternity." - Jon Stewart

45points

Whos Whoo 2 years ago

Some become serial killers others kinda joke about it

4points

#44

"Laugh loudly, laugh often, and most importantly, laugh at yourself." – Chelsea Handler

44points

Pamela Tapia 2 years ago

If you can't laugh at yourself, you have a very poor sense of humor and self.

12points

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#45

“My name is Adam. My father’s name is Adam. Having the same name as your father, it’s alright until your voice changes. My friends would always call up, “Is Adam there?” My father would say, “This is Adam.” My friends would say, “Adam, you were so wasted last night.” — Adam Sandler

44points

Whos Whoo 2 years ago

His humour is lost on me if its humour maybe its not

5points

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#46

"I never got along with my dad. Kids used to come up to me and say, 'My dad can beat up your dad.' I'd say 'Yeah? When?'" - Bill Hicks

42points

Lee Snider 2 years ago

Loved Bill Hicks

6points

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#47

"If you think you have it tough, read history books." ― Bill Maher

42points

Jason Leaf 2 years ago

The Holocaust, witch trials, the Inquisitions, sure, that's true. But the evil and ignorance that inspired those historical events is still with us, alas.

28points

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#48

"I can't believe we're still giving clothing as a gift. Cause whenever you get clothing as a present, you always open it up and you think, 'Not even close.' And the person that gives it is always like, 'You can take it back if you don't like it.' 'That's alright. I'll just throw it out.' Don't give me an errand." - Jim Gaffigan

40points

Colin Timp 2 years ago

Which has led to people giving gift cards. Here's some money, but you can only spend it here.

9points

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#49

"I believe in the institution of marriage, and I intend to keep trying until I get it right." - Richard Pryor

40points

Jason Leaf 2 years ago

Who wants to live in an institution?

13points

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#50

“I saw that show, '50 Things To Do Before You Die', I would have thought the obvious one was ‘Shout for help’.” — Jimmy Carr

40points

Whos Whoo 2 years ago

Or spare me Jimmy Carr please help help

2points

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#51

“I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.” — Les Dawson

39points

#52

"If God had really intended man to fly, He'd make it easier to get to the airport." - Jonathan Winters

39points

Jason Leaf 2 years ago

An insightful observation from the great JW.

4points

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#53

"I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out." ― Rodney Dangerfield

38points

Jason Leaf 2 years ago

Respect for Rodney.

6points

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#54

"I’m not for everyone. I’m barely for me." –Marc Maron

38points

Mark Berry 2 years ago

I feel you, Marc.

3points

#55

"People say pot smokers are lazy. I disagree. I am a multitasking pot smoker. Just the other day I was walking down the street. Stoned. OK, I won’t count that as two things. I was walking down the street. I was putting eye drops in my eyes. I was talking on my cellphone. And I was getting hit by a car." - Doug Benson

38points

General Anaesthesia 2 years ago

How long can one get hit by a car?

0points

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#56

“When I was a kid my parents used to tell me, "Emo, don't go near the cellar door!" One day when they were away, I went up to the cellar door. And I pushed it and walked through and saw strange, wonderful things, things I had never seen before, like... trees, grass, flowers, the sun... that was nice...“ – Emo Philips

37points

Not Telling you 2 years ago

Oh

9points

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#57

"Some of the things I was anxious about as a kid don't bother me at all anymore. Like I always thought quicksand was going to be a much bigger problem than it turned out to be." - John Mulaney

37points

Somewhat-Guilty 2 years ago

Was that a thing for every millennial?? Because I was terrified of quicksand lol. It was in so many movies, shows and cartoons growing up.

5points

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#58

"I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn't really a date-date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed." - Dave Attell

36points

Timmy Pillinger 2 years ago

The hottest date I ever had proved that you should never trust food your sister sends from Arabia - apparently chilli stuffed dates are a thing.

12points

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#59

"I'm gonna tell you right now—somebody walked in here and told me I just won the lottery, I will walk out in the middle of this joke." - Wanda Sykes

35points

Whos Whoo 2 years ago

I'm already gone and I didn't even buy a lottery ticket

1point

#60

"Raising two teenagers is a tough job. Kudos to my assistant." - Conan O'Brien

35points

Whos Whoo 2 years ago

Why how many has he got ?

0points

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#61

“I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.” — Phyllis Diller

33points

Nina Harper 2 years ago

Oh yes, so true!

2points

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#62

"Let’s go to brunch. What a great idea! Why would you want to sleep in on a Sunday when you can go pay $18 for eggs? Now, you’re thinking." – Bill Burr

33points

Jason Leaf 2 years ago

My fave Bill Burr routine has to be Punching the Muffins: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LnOg01N1u3w

2points

#63

“Breastfeeding is this savage ritual that just reminds you that your body is a cafeteria now.” — Ali Wong

33points

Pan.D.Mona 2 years ago

Milkstation instead of gas station

9points

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#64

"Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers." - Matt Groening

32points

Francine Govan 2 years ago

Technically, Homer Simpson, no? ;)

9points

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#65

“Accept who you are. Unless you are a serial killer.“ – Ellen DeGeneres

31points

B Lorax 2 years ago

...or an egomaniac.

25points

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#66

“I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that’s 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says ‘go outside.’“ – Demetri Martin

31points

Not Telling you 2 years ago

I’d make it say “how bored ARE you?!”

8points

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#67

"I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks." - Steve Martin

31points

Nina Harper 2 years ago

I LOVE Steve's jokes!

5points

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#68

"Go on TikTok. There are teenage girls editing themselves into Harry Potter movies. I mean, it's incredible! If that technology existed when I was 11, I would have lost my virginity even later." ― Taylor Tomlinson

31points

Whos Whoo 2 years ago

That's so convoluted I'm exhausted after reading it once

2points

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#69

"College was like a four-year game show called 'Do My Friends Hate Me or Do I Just Need To Go To Sleep?'" - John Mulaney

31points

#70

"I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing ‘Happy Birthday.’" – Steven Wright

30points

Annie Bieber 2 years ago

Steven Wright...The Drollest, Dryest, most Ironic Dude ever...and a Comedic Genius. ✌️

4points

#71

“Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?“ – Jay Leno

30points

Nina Harper 2 years ago

They would say that they can only predict other people's future, not their own.

6points

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#72

"If the presidency is the head of the American body politic, Congress is its gastrointestinal tract." - Jon Stewart

30points

Terry Tobias 2 years ago

I miss him on 'The Daily Show'!

6points

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#73

“A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.” – Graham Norton

30points

Vicki Doggurl 2 years ago

Graham Norton is a National treasure!

4points

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#74

“Found a fragrance called Vixen. Guess they can't name them after the people who actually wear them. Nobody's going to buy Secretary.“ – Whitney Cummings

30points

Newt Russell 2 years ago

Unless Maggie Gyllenhaal promotes it with James Spader

14points

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#75

"A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months." ― Henny Youngman

29points

Jason Leaf 2 years ago

What a compassionate physician.

3points

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#76

"Last night, it was so cold, the flashers in New York were only describing themselves." - Johnny Carson

29points

Jason Leaf 2 years ago

"It was so hot in Los Angeles today, I saw a robin basting his own worm." - Johnny Carson

3points

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#77

“My father drank so heavily, when he blew on the birthday cake he lit the candles.” – Les Dawson

29points

Whos Whoo 2 years ago

Lol he did great one liners

1point

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#78

"Why don't women have crazy men stories? I don't really hear them. And then I realized, it's because if you got a crazy boyfriend, you're going to die. Just something about men, the second they realize they're crazy, it's like, 'Time to kill everything I love.'" – Donald Glover

28points

Alex Foster 2 years ago

Women don't have crazy men stories because we either have creepy date stories or end up on dateline stories.

1point

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#79

"Do you know what I love most about baseball? The pine tar, the resin, the grass, the dirt. And that's just in the hot dogs." - David Letterman

28points

Charley128 2 years ago

Good ol' Dave.

3points

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#80

"I'm dating a homeless woman. It was easier talking her into staying over." - Garry Shandling

28points

Jason Leaf 2 years ago

Dizzyingly edgy!

2points

#81

“What always staggers me is that when people blow their noses, they always look into their hankies to see what came out. What do they expect to find?” ― Billy Connolly

28points

Not Telling you 2 years ago

I do that cause sometimes if I blow my nose too hard it bleeds :(

15points

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#82

"In a study, scientists report that drinking beer can be good for the liver. I'm sorry, did I say 'scientists'? I meant 'Irish people'." - Tina Fey

27points

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#83

"Is it bad when you refer to all alcohol as pain-go-bye-bye juice?" - Patton Oswalt

27points

Mark Serbian, PK&RG,W 2 years ago

Patton Oswalt is a National Treasure

1point

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#84

"Inside me there’s a thin person struggling to get out, but I can usually sedate him with four or five cupcakes." ― Bob Thaves

27points

#85

"I don’t have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who’d be mad at me for saying that." – Mitch Hedberg

26points

Jason Leaf 2 years ago

My wife's married. I'm not. - Zappa

2points

#86

"My report card always said, ‘Jim finishes first and then disrupts the other students.’" – Jim Carrey

26points

Patrick McKemie 2 years ago

That's what she said

11points

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#87

"Thirty ways to shape up for summer. Number one: eat less. Number two: exercise more. Number three: what was I talking about again? I'm so hungry." - Maria Bamford

26points

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“This Breaks My Heart”: People Stunned—And Angry—After Woman Buys Lost Luggage From Airport

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#88

"I went home with this French guy 'cause he said something adorable, like, 'I have an apartment.'" - Amy Schumer

26points

#89

“A spa hotel? It’s like a normal hotel, only in reception there’s a picture of a pebble.” – Rhod Gilbert

26points

#90

“I would say laughter is the best medicine. But it’s more than that. It’s an entire regime of antibiotics and steroids.” - Stephen Colbert

26points

Terry Tobias 2 years ago

I love Stephen Colbert!

6points

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#91

"I’d like to have kids. I get those maternal feelings. Like when I’m laying on the couch and I can’t reach the remote control. It’s like, 'Boy a kid would be nice right now.'" - Kathleen Madigan

26points

Nina Harper 2 years ago

When I was a kid, I was the youngest in my house, and we did not have a remote control for the TV. My mom, dad or my older brothers would say, "Somebody get up and change the channel". That was my cue. I knew I was "somebody".

12points

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"I Didn't Start The Dryer": Karen Gets Taught A Lesson After Throwing Out Neighbor's Wet Clothes

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Guy Divorced 3 Years Ago Drops Off 3 Y.O. With His Ex-Wife Completely Out Of The Blue

Guy Divorced 3 Years Ago Drops Off 3 Y.O. With His Ex-Wife Completely Out Of The Blue

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#92

"At every party, there are two kinds of people – those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other." ― Ann Landers

26points

Whos Whoo 2 years ago

Lol

1point

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#93

“Alright lads, a giant fly is attacking the police station. I’ve called the SWAT team!” – Greg Davies

25points

#94

“My theory is that all of the Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.” — Mike Myers

25points

Vicki Doggurl 2 years ago

Same with Klingon.

3points

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#95

"The baby Jesus was the last homeless person the Republicans liked." — Andy Borowitz

25points

Whos Whoo 2 years ago

And Jesus is a fairytale but shh don't put grist to the mill.

-3points

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#96

“Sports are the reason I am out of shape. I watch them all on TV.“ – Thomas Sowell

24points

Damon 2 years ago

THAT'S THE QUOTE YOU PICK FOR HIM?!

5points

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College Student Does Exactly As Told After Roommates Demand They Keep Their Stuff In Their Room

College Student Does Exactly As Told After Roommates Demand They Keep Their Stuff In Their Room

College Student Does Exactly As Told After Roommates Demand They Keep Their Stuff In Their Room

#97

“The greatest thief this world has ever produced is procrastination, and he is still at large.“ – Josh Billings

24points

Jason Leaf 2 years ago

I'll think about this later.

15points

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#98

"If you don't do any self-examinations or see a doctor ever, you'll live forever. That's how you do it. The diagnosis is what gets you. You just have a 'don't ask, don't tell' policy with any and all bodily functions." — Janeane Garofalo

24points

Lu Prickett 2 years ago

My mom: I hurt my foot, I think it's broken. Me: You need to go get an xray. Mom: I can't, if I do that he'll tell me it's broken.

4points

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#99

"First, the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.“ - Steve Martin

24points

Whos Whoo 2 years ago

Is your Dr called Steve Martin too ?

0points

#100

"She said I was afraid of success, which may in fact be true, because I have a feeling that fulfilling my potential would really cut into my sittin' around time." – Maria Bamford

23points

Nina Harper 2 years ago

That is so me!

5points

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#101

"If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you." ― Dick Cavett

23points

Paul Marks 2 years ago

Ba dum tsss

1point

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#102

“My Dad said, always leave them wanting more. Ironically, that’s how he lost his job in disaster relief.” – Mark Watson

22points

#103

“How many philosophers does it take to change a lightbulb? None. They’re not really into that sort of thing. If it’s that dark, light a candle.” – Phil Cornwell

22points

Karnevil4 2 years ago

How many drummers...sorry posted this one before 🙁

2points

#104

"A casino in South Dakota was robbed by a man dressed as a mummy. The police described the suspect as anywhere between 25 and 8,000 years old." — Craig Ferguson

22points

#105

"I think if I took therapy, the doctor would quit. He'd just pick up the couch and walk out of the room." — Don Rickles

22points

Karnevil4 2 years ago

Mine just said: Okay?!? Then left. Left myself after 30 min alone. Was still charged for said 30 min 😑

0points

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#106

"Girls in Los Angeles like to say, 'I’m not religious, but I’m spiritual.' I like to reply, 'I’m not honest, but you’re interesting.'" - Daniel Tosh

22points

Whos Whoo 2 years ago

I like to say I hate cluches

2points

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#107

"According to a recent survey, kids are receiving an average of 40 cents less from the tooth fairy. That’s right, the economy is so bad that even make-believe people are feeling the pinch." - Conan O'Brien

22points

#108

“I never feel more alone than when I’m trying to put sunscreen on my back.“ – Jimmy Kimmel

21points

#109

“I bought myself some glasses. My observational comedy improved.” – Sara Pascoe

20points

Karnevil4 2 years ago

🧐

2points

#110

“The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.” – Demetri Martin

20points

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#111

"I have learned from my mistakes, and I am sure I can repeat them exactly." — Peter Cook

20points

Whos Whoo 2 years ago

He was so witty

2points

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#112

“Normally you have news, weather and travel. But not on snow day. On a snow day, news is weather is travel.” – Michael McIntyre

19points

#113

"Getting worried there might not be enough talent in America to acommodate all these singing shows." — Natasha Leggero

19points

#114

"If you eat a lot of spicy food, you can damage your sense of taste. When I was in Mexico last year, I was listening to a lot of Michael Bolton." - Jimmy Carr

19points

Cara G 2 years ago

Where is Mark Serbian when we need him? Michael Bolton IS a National Treasure.

0points

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#115

"Dogs have no money. Isn't that amazing? They're broke their entire lives. But they get through. You know why dogs have no money? No pockets." – Jerry Seinfeld

18points

Michael Largey 2 years ago

So how much cash do kangaroos carry around?

4points

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#116

"The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day, you're off it." - Buddy Hackett

18points

Karnevil4 2 years ago

Also Buddy: Two guys from Cleveland are f*****g an owl on a bus....

0points

#117

"I went on a hardcore drinking and smoking binge. It lasted right about nine months. And then as soon as I was born, I was like, 'Do not go in there.'" - Tig Notaro

18points

Cara G 2 years ago

LMAO! I love Tig.

1point

#118

“Your twenties are the worst part of your life that you don’t actually know at the time is terrible.” — Julie Klausner

17points

#119

"My friends who have babies can't do anything. You can't go out at night. Having a baby is like a DUI from the universe.” — Natasha Leggero

17points

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#120

“If you text 'I love you' and the person writes back an emoji - no matter what that emoji is, they don't love you back.” – Chelsea Peretti

17points

Whos Whoo 2 years ago

Is that a joke ? Or just you being a sadist ?

-3points

#121

“It’s been a tough week. I bought myself a memory foam mattress and now it’s trying to blackmail me.” - Gary Delaney

17points

Karnevil4 2 years ago

Lol

1point

#122

“I don’t have credibility, I’m a comedian.“ – Dennis Miller

16points

Patrick McKemie 2 years ago

He was half right...

8points

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#123

“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.“ – Henny Youngman

15points

Whos Whoo 2 years ago

That's why we keep looking

1point

#124

“When you are doing stand-up comedy, you are the writer, producer, director, sometimes bouncer.“ – Dane Cook

15points

Karnevil4 2 years ago

Love Dane Cook and his alien wet shite!

1point

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#125

“Yeah, I know, some people are against drunk driving, and I call those people 'the cops.' But you know, sometimes, you've just got no choice; those kids gotta get to school!“ – Dave Attell

15points

B. Russell 2 years ago

Or I could let them drive, just put me in the back seat.

6points

#126

"My doctor said to refer to my nervous breakdown as an episode. To be honest, it was more like a season finale." — Joe Jacobs

15points

Vicki Doggurl 2 years ago

As long as it wasn’t a series finale!!

6points

#127

"There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure." — Jack E. Leonard

15points

Whos Whoo 2 years ago

Lol

1point

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#128

“In life, there’s a ying and a yang and a balance. And when you don’t have balance, you have comedy.“ – George Lopez

14points

Jason Leaf 2 years ago

Yin, not ying, Georgie.

5points

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#129

“I can’t watch TV longer than five minutes without praying for nuclear holocaust.” — Bill Hicks

13points

Whos Whoo 2 years ago

He was just so funny

1point

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#130

“The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper. She was wearing massive gloves.” – Alun Cochrane

12points

Piano 2 years ago

Is this lacking context, or am I too dumb to get it 😂

5points

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#131

“I doubt there’s a heaven; I think the people from hell have probably bought it for a timeshare.” – Victoria Wood

11points

Whos Whoo 2 years ago

Victoria was a genius comedian

1point

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#132

“My therapist was like, ‘What brings joy to your heart?’ And I was like, ‘I like to see teeth. I guess maybe I should have been a dentist.'” – Tiffany Haddish

10points

#133

“Corduroy hits the sweet spot between jeans and slacks. They’re a trouser middleman.” - James Acaster

9points

Benjamin Brogan 2 years ago

Corduroy is also noisy

4points

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#134

“For me, stand-up comedy is a conversation between me and the audience. I have to keep them listening. When I’m making jokes about cake for twenty minutes, I have to make sure my audience is interested and following where I’m going.” - Jim Gaffigan

6points

Terry Tobias 2 years ago

🎶 "Hot Pockets..." 🎶

2points

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Saimonas Lukošius

Saimonas is a list curator at Bored Panda with BA in Multimedia. Saimonas has mainly worked as a freelance graphic designer, illustrator and finds joy in anything related to visual arts.

Saimonas is a list curator at Bored Panda with BA in Multimedia. Saimonas has mainly worked as a freelance graphic designer, illustrator and finds joy in anything related to visual arts.

Marisha Kazaryan

I knew I wanted to be a storyteller ever since I learned to read and write. Fulfilled this dream when I became a content creator and a filmmaker. Also got a degree in English language and literature because grammar is important! Good coffee and good music make everything better. When I’m not telling stories, you’ll find me studying foreign languages (currently, Korean), fangirling over my guinea pig Pepperboy, watching TV shows, and learning to play the drums.

I knew I wanted to be a storyteller ever since I learned to read and write. Fulfilled this dream when I became a content creator and a filmmaker. Also got a degree in English language and literature because grammar is important! Good coffee and good music make everything better. When I’m not telling stories, you’ll find me studying foreign languages (currently, Korean), fangirling over my guinea pig Pepperboy, watching TV shows, and learning to play the drums.

Oleg Tarasenko

After many years of working as sports journalist and trivia game author and host in Ukraine I joined Bored Panda as a content creator. I do love writing stories and I sincerely believe - there's no dull plots at all. Like a great Italian composer Joaquino Rossini once told: "Give me a police protocol - and I'll make an opera out of it!"

After many years of working as sports journalist and trivia game author and host in Ukraine I joined Bored Panda as a content creator. I do love writing stories and I sincerely believe - there's no dull plots at all. Like a great Italian composer Joaquino Rossini once told: "Give me a police protocol - and I'll make an opera out of it!"

Monika Pašukonytė

I am a visual editor here. In my free time I enjoy the vibrant worlds of art galleries, exhibitions, and soulful concerts. Yet, amidst life's hustle and bustle, I find solace in nature's embrace, cherishing tranquil moments with beloved friends. Deep within, I hold a dream close - to embark on a global journey in an RV, accompanied by my faithful canine companion. Together, we'll wander through diverse cultures, weaving precious memories under the starry night sky, fulfilling the wanderlust that stirs my soul.

I am a visual editor here. In my free time I enjoy the vibrant worlds of art galleries, exhibitions, and soulful concerts. Yet, amidst life's hustle and bustle, I find solace in nature's embrace, cherishing tranquil moments with beloved friends. Deep within, I hold a dream close - to embark on a global journey in an RV, accompanied by my faithful canine companion. Together, we'll wander through diverse cultures, weaving precious memories under the starry night sky, fulfilling the wanderlust that stirs my soul.

What do you think ?

Stannous Flouride 2 years ago

"Of course Trump isn't here. . . I would drag him here myself, but it turns out the president of the United States is the one pu$$y you're not allowed to grab." -Michelle Wolf on 45's refusal to show up at the White House Correspondents Dinner.

3points

Clara 2 years ago

I wish there was some Paul Mooney jokes. He always had one/two line zingers

1point

Stannous Flouride 2 years ago

"Of course Trump isn't here. . . I would drag him here myself, but it turns out the president of the United States is the one pu$$y you're not allowed to grab." -Michelle Wolf on 45's refusal to show up at the White House Correspondents Dinner.

3points

Clara 2 years ago

I wish there was some Paul Mooney jokes. He always had one/two line zingers

1point

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