"I tried brewing my coffee with Red Bull instead of water. I drank it and left my house to go to work. After 15 minutes I realized I forgot my car."

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Julia Mckinney

Julia Mckinney

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2 years ago

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I need to try that!

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"Every morning, I see this exhausted woman who looks like she would murder someone for a cup of coffee. I really should move that mirror."

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What does a gossiping coffee do?

Spill the beans.

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What kind of sugar does Lady Gaga use in her coffee?

Raw raw raw raw raw.

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New word: Procaffeinating (n). - the tendency to not start anything until you’ve had your coffee.

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What currency can we use to buy coffee in space?

Starbucks.

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How does a coffee snob take their coffee?

Seriously. Very seriously.

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What do you call sad coffee?

Despresso.

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What type of coffee do vampires drink?

Decoffinated.

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Why was the instant cup of coffee so rude?

He had no filter.

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What did the cup of coffee say to his friend?

"What’s up, brew?"

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How did the hipster burn their mouth?

They drank their coffee before it was cool.

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What’s a barista’s favorite exercise?

The French press.

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What did the coffee addict say to his doctor?

"I don’t have a problem with coffee; I have a problem without it!"

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What's it called when you steal someone's coffee?

Mugging!

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Coffee is the most important meal of the day.

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What does a coffee lover say when they’re hitting on you?

I’ve been thinking about you a latte.

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How do coffee cups greet each other?

With mugs and kisses.

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What’s a coffee’s favorite spell?

Espresso Patronum!

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What do you call it when you drop your coffee mug?

A coffee break.

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Why did the barista get fired?

They kept showing up to work in a tea-shirt.

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"I was drinking coffee in my snow boots this morning when I thought to myself, “I need to get a mug.”"

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What’s a barista’s favorite programming language?

Java.

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Where do birds go for coffee?

To the NESTcafe

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Why should you never make fun of a barista?

They will roast you.

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"Someone stole my coffee cup, so I’m heading down to the police station to look over some mugshots."

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What did the Brazilian coffee say to the Indonesian coffee?

What’s Sumatra with you?

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What’s the difference between coffee and your opinion?

"I asked for a coffee."

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If you sit down to enjoy a hot cup of coffee, then your boss will ask you to do something that will last until the coffee is cold.

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Who did Han Solo owe coffee to?

Java the Hut.

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Why do some people call fresh coffee mud?

Because it was just ground a few minutes ago.

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There are two kinds of people in the world: those who love coffee and liars.

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Does Moses use instant coffee?

No. He brews.

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Why should you avoid discussing coffee around sensitive people?

It can be a strong, heated debate.

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How does a tech guy drink coffee?

He installs Java!

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Why are Italians so good at making coffee?

Because they know how to espresso themselves.

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Did you hear about the guy who put World War II figures in his coffee every morning?

He heard that the best part of waking up was soldiers in your cup.

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A thirsty customer walks into a coffee shop. He asks the barista, “How much for a cup of coffee?” The barista points to the menu and says, “Five dollars for a cup of coffee and refills are free.” The customer responds, “Thanks. I’ll have a refill.”

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If the local coffee shop has awarded you "Employee of the Month" and you don't even work there, you may be drinking too much coffee.

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How are men like coffee?

The best ones are rich, hot, and can keep you up all night.

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Did you hear about the cow that gave birth?

It was de-calf-inated.

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Why did the coffee file a police report?

Because it was mugged.

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"I just got myself a top-of-the-range coffee maker. It has a lot of perks."

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A guy walks into a cafe and orders a coffee to go. The coffee gets up and leaves.

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What’s favorite Bob Marley song?

"Don’t Worry, Be Frappé."

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Why did the rabbit stop drinking coffee?

It made it too jumpy.

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What did the Italian guy say when he was teased?

Don’t mocha me!

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What did the mommy coffee bean say when the naughty little coffee bean came home late?

Where have you bean?

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Why can’t cups of coffee go to Hogwarts?

They’re muggles.

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What do cups of coffee say when they see a friend?

How are you doing percolately?

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What are coffee websites coded in?

JavaScript.

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What do coffee-loving councilors tell the patients in rehab?

Choose mugs, not drugs.

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What do you call it when you put off drinking coffee until tomorrow?

Procaffeinating.

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"Everything I brew, I brew it for you" – Bryan Adams.

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"Espresso yourself" – Madonna.

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How are coffee beans like teenagers?

Both are always getting grounded.

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A man fell into a vat of coffee and died. The police told his wife, in an attempt to console her, “At least he didn’t suffer; it was instant.”

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What's the best Beatles song?

Latte Be!

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What did the barista's Valentine say?

"I can't espresso my love for you."

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Drinking too much espresso can cause a latte problems.

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What did the coffee lover name her son?

Joe, obviously.

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What did the caffeine addict name his cats?

Cream and Sugar.

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How does the serial killer like his coffee?

How he likes his victims—all ground up.

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"I drink so much coffee at work, I consider it part of my daily grind."

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I’m about to have a dangerous cup of coffee… Safe tea first, though.

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What do you call the first level of a coffee factory?

The ground floor.

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What’s a barista’s favorite morning mantra?

Rise and grind!

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What happens if you touch Dad’s coffee?

You’ll be grounded!

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What should a father say to his daughter every day?

"You’re brewtiful."

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What did the excited cup of coffee say to the coffee drinker?

Pour some sugar on me, baby!

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Why can’t you hang around coffee shops at night?

You’ll get mugged.

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How do you get enough coffee for a cup?

By any beans necessary!

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"I like my men like I like my coffee… Nowhere near my pants."

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"I like my women like I like my coffee… I’ve never had coffee but it smells really nice."

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What do baristas say to their least-favorite customers?

You mocha me crazy!

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Why did the coffee shop close for the day?

Because a storm was brewing.

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You have 16 sugar cubes and three mugs of coffee. How do you put an odd number of sugar cubes in each one, making sure to use all 16 sugar cubes? You put one cube in the first mug, one cube in the second mug, and 14 cubes in the third mug because 14 is an odd number of sugar cubes to put in a coffee.

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Soup of the day: Coffee.

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What’s the technical name for a pot of coffee at work?

Break fluid.

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What do you call it when you walk into a cafe you’re sure you’ve been to before?

Déjà brew.

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Why should you be wary of 5-cent espresso?

It’s a cheap shot.

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Knock, knock! Who’s there? A guy that just had 4 shots of espresso! A guy th— Now you say, “a guy that just had 4 shots of espresso who?”

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A yawn is just a silent scream for coffee.

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Why did the espresso keep checking his watch?

Because he was pressed for time.

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Why are all Jewish men required to make a good cup of coffee?

Because according to the Torah, he brews!

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A man went to his psychiatrist and complained that every time he drinks coffee, he would get a stabbing pain in his right eye. The psychiatrist said, “Well, have you tried taking the spoon out?”

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Why can Starbucks get away with charging outrageous prices for coffee?

Because they have Italian titles for everything!

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What’s fat, hairy, and drinks a lot of coffee?

Java the Hut!

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How do you make Pig Jerky?

Give them some coffee.

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What do brave coffee grounds do?

They take the plunger.

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What did the bored coffee drinker say?

Bean there, done that.

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Where do bad cups of coffee go when they die?

To perca-tory.

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What do you call coffee with sunglasses and tattoos?

Cool beans.

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Why was the cup of coffee top of the class?

She was a beverage.

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Why did the cup of coffee marry her man?

He kept her grounded.

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Why is it good to have a job in the coffee industry?

There are lots of perks.

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"I like my men like I like my coffee… I don’t like coffee."

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"Living la Vida mocha" – Ricky Martin.

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"I like big cups and I cannot lie" – Sir Blendalot.

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Why was everyone getting sick at the coffee shop?

Because there was a lot of coffeeing going on.

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What do you call it when a coffee joke is so funny that it causes an uproar?

A brew-haha.

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A woman walks into a coffee shop carrying a large chunk of asphalt. She walks up to the barista and says, “I’ll take a cappuccino for me, please, and a latte for the road.

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An astronaut was making coffee and complained, “I can’t find any milk.” Another astronaut replied, “In space, no one can. Here, use cream.”

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Sleep is a weak substitute for coffee.

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What's the opposite of coffee?

Sneezy.

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Why shouldn't you discuss coffee in polite company?

It can make for a strong and heated debate.

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How do you know if you’ve had enough coffee?

You channel surf faster without the remote.

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How is divorce like espresso?

It’s expensive and bitter.

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What do you call it when cafe customers joke about their coffee?

A brewhaha.

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A factory worker died today after falling into a vat of coffee. Police say that although it came as a shock to all who knew him, they may take some relief from the fact he didn’t suffer. It was instant.

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What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?

Sanka.

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Why did the gardener save his coffee grounds?

For sedimental reasons.

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Why did the cup of coffee lift the milk jug?

That was strong coffee.

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Why did the cup of coffee always complain?

He was just bitter.

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How should you react when a place has bottomless coffee?

With bottomless thanks.

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Why should you never discuss coffee in public?

It can get heated.

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"I like my men like I like my coffee… Instantly ready."

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What kind of coffee likes to race?

Instant from an espresso machine.

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What does specialty coffee have in common with Eric Clapton?

Both are good without cream.

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A tall blonde woman walks into a coffee shop. The barista says, “We have a drink named after you!” With a confused look on her face, the blonde woman says, “You have a drink named Lisa?”

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Why should you be wary of 5-cent espresso?

It’s a cheap shot.

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What did the coffees say before their night out?

Let’s stir up some trouble!

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A factory worker died today after falling into a vat of coffee. Police say that it came as a shock to all who knew him. But they may take some relief from the fact he didn’t suffer. It was instant.

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What’s a coffee’s favorite karaoke song?

Hit me with your best shot!

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What do waiters who don’t bring the coffee quickly enough get?

Lukewarm applause.

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What happened when one friend forgot to brew her pal a coffee?

Their friendship came to a bitter end.

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