To some, Christmas is a serious festivity, a time for gathering the family and reflecting over the year. To others, it’s a celebration that’s all about giving and kindness. But you know what makes it all better and even more worthwhile? Why, humor, of course! That’s precisely why we’ve gathered this list of the best Christmas jokes ever - to make your good deeds even merrier and to annoy Aunt Janice with so-lame-it’s-awesome jokes over Christmas Eve dinner. Or to say to Father Christmas himself as a ransom for your present. A quick transaction is guaranteed with these hilarious jokes, and the present will surely be signed, sealed, and delivered in no time.
To you, dear readers, our good deed is this list - a jolly merriment, an authentic barrel of fun! If classy he-said-she-said jokes aren’t your cup of tea, we’ve tried our best to cater to anyone’s taste. There are Christmas puns, darker-toned jokes, prosaic farces, Flaubert-esque pastiches, and all the good stuff on Christmas. Besides having covered all the possible styles of whimsy, we’ve also delved into most of the holiday topics. A joke for Rudolph, a pun on Santa Claus, and a one-liner on gifts; all you could ever need in one place!
But, lest we spill all the merry beans and spoil you with the best Christmas jokes before you even have the chance to read them - scroll down below and check them out for yourself! Then, tell us which of these clever jokes you liked the most and don’t forget to share this article with your friends. Christmas time is giving time, after all.
What's the difference between snowmen and snowladies?
Snowballs.
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What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
Claustrophobic.
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"Christmas is a baby shower that went totally overboard."
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"I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas. She told me, “Nothing would make her happier than a diamond necklace.” So I bought her nothing."
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"I tell my kids that Santa is fat because he eats the children who get up early on Christmas morning. That way, I get to sleep in."
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Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist? He sold his soul to Santa.
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Spotted outside a church in Michigan: "Honk if you love Jesus. Keep on texting while you drive if you want to meet him."
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What do you call Santa when he takes a break?
Santa Pause.
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If a reindeer lost its tail, where could he get a new one?
At a retail store.
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What did Adam say the day before Christmas?
It’s Christmas, Eve!
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The office Christmas party is a great opportunity to catch up with people you haven’t seen for 20 minutes.
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Where do polar bears vote?
The North Poll.
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How does the snow globe feel this year?
A little shaken.
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Why was the snowman embarrassed when he was spotted rummaging through a bag of carrots?
He was caught picking his nose.
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Who tells the best Christmas jokes?
Reindeer. They sleigh every time.
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What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
An abdominal snowman.
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How is the alphabet different on Christmas than any other day?
On Christmas, it has Noel.
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Why are Christmas trees so fond of the past?
Because the present’s beneath them.
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Which of Santa's reindeer has the worst manners?
RUDE-olph, of course.
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What is the best evidence that Microsoft has a monopoly?
Santa Claus had to switch from Chimneys to Windows.
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What is the best Christmas present in the world?
A broken drum, you just can’t beat it.
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Where does Santa stay when he’s on vacation?
At a Ho-ho-ho-tel.
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"My wife took our three-year-old to church for the first time. Getting impatient while waiting for the Mass to start, he turned to her and asked, "What time does Jesus get here?"
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What happened to the man who stole an advent calendar?
He got 25 days.
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What do snowmen call their offspring?
Chill-dren.
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Four-year-old to her two-year-old sister: "Let's play Christmas. I'll be Santa Claus and you can be a present and I'll give you away."
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What did the farmer get for Christmas?
A cowculator.
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What do you call a blind reindeer?
I have no eye deer.
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What would you call an elf who just has won the lottery?
Welfy.
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Why do Dasher and Dancer love coffee?
Because they're Santa's star bucks.
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What do you get if you cross a Christmas tree with an iPad?
A pineapple!
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What do you call Santa if he also lives in the South Pole?
Bi-Polar.
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For Christmas, I gave my kid a BB gun. He gave me a sweater with a bull’s-eye on the back.
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Why is it getting so hard to buy advent calendars?
Their days are numbered.
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Why did the Grinch go to the liquor store?
He was searching for some holiday spirit.
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I have this incredible ability to predict what’s inside a wrapped present. It’s a gift.
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I bought my son a fridge for Christmas. I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
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What do you call Santa’s helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.
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What’s as big as Santa but weighs nothing?
Santa’s shadow!
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"You know you’re getting old when Santa starts looking younger."
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"The holiday season: a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice."
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"This past Christmas, I told my girlfriend that all I wanted was an Xbox. That’s it. Beginning and end of list: Xbox. You know what she got me? A homemade frame with a picture of us from our first date together. Which was fine. Because I got her an Xbox."
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Three men die on Christmas Eve and go to heaven, where they're met by Saint Peter. "In order to get in," he tells them, "you must each produce something representative of the holidays."
The first man digs into his pockets and pulls out a match and lights it. "This represents a candle of hope." Impressed, Peter lets him in.
The second man pulls out a tangle of keys and shakes them. "These are bells." He's allowed in too.
"So," Peter says to the third man, "what do you have?" The third man proudly shows him a pair of red panties. "What do these have to do with Christmas?" asks Peter. "They're Carol's."
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Two kids are on their way to Sunday school when one says to the other, "What do you think about this Satan stuff?"
"Well, you remember Santa? This could turn out to be your dad too."
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Which two letters of the alphabet do snowmen like best? I C.
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What did one snowman say to the other snowman?
"Can you smell carrots?"
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What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.
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How do you know when Santa’s around?
You can always sense his presents.
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What did Luke Skywalker say after he planted a Christmas tree farm?
May the forest be with you!
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What do you call an old snowman?
Water.
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What kind of Christmas music do elves like?
“Wrap” music.
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How does a snowman get to work?
By icicle.
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How do Christmas angels greet each other?
"Halo!"
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What did the peanut butter say to the grape on Christmas?
"Tis the season to be jelly!"
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What are the best books to read during the holidays?
The Lord of the Five Golden Rings, No Country for Old Menorahs, For Whom the Jingle Bells Toll, Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secret Santas, Frankincense and Sensibility.
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Why didn't Rudolph get a good report card?
Because he went down in History.
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What is Santa’s primary language?
North Polish.
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How did the ornament get addicted to Christmas?
He was hooked on trees his whole life.
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How does Santa keep his bathroom tiles immaculate?
He uses Comet.
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Why was Santa’s little helper feeling depressed?
Because he had low elf esteem.
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Christmas: The time when everyone gets Santamental.
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Why did Santa bring 22 reindeer to Walmart?
Because what he wanted to buy cost around 20 bucks, but just in case it was more, he brought some extra doe.
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What’s Santa’s dog’s name?
Santa Paws!
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Why did Santa put a clock in his sleigh?
Because he wanted to see time fly!
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What did Mrs. Claus say to Santa Claus when she looked up in the sky?
Looks like rain, dear!
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How much did Santa pay for his sleigh?
Nothing, it was on the house!
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What is a lion's favorite Christmas carol?
Jungle Bells.
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"One thing I learned from drinking is that if you ever go Christmas caroling, you should go with a group of people. And also go in mid-December."
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What is green, covered with tinsel and says, “Ribbit, ribbit?”
A mistle-toad.
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Why do birds fly south in the winter?
It’s too far to walk.
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How does Darth Vader like his Christmas turkey?
On the dark side.
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What do snowmen take when the sun gets too hot?
A chill pill.
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How will Christmas dinner be different after Brexit?
No Brussels.
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What’s a reindeer’s favourite artist?
Beyonsleigh.
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What's red and white and falls down chimneys?
Santa Klutz.
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People act like the North Pole and the South Pole are exactly the same, but really, there's a whole world of difference between them.
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Where do you find reindeer?
It depends on where you leave them!
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Why did they couple get hitched on the 24 of December?
So they could have a married Christmas.
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What do you call an elf who sings?
A wrapper!
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What do you call a kid who doesn't believe in Santa?
A rebel without a Claus.
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Why does Santa have 3 gardens?
So he can ho-ho-ho.
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What do you get if Santa goes down the chimney when a fire is lit?
Crisp Kringle.
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Why did Santa get a parking ticket last Christmas Eve?
He was making a special delivery and left his sleigh in a snow parking zone.
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"While I was working as a store Santa, a boy asked me for an electric train set. “If you get your train,” I told him, “your dad is going to want to play with it too. Is that all right?” The boy became very quiet. So, moving the conversation along, I asked, “What else would you like Santa to bring you?” He promptly replied, “Another train.”
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Who delivers Christmas presents to good little sharks when they're sleeping?
Santa Jaws!
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What does December have that other months don't have?
The letter D.
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My friend reviewed her young son's fill-in-the-blank homework. One line: "At Christmas, we exchange gifts with ____."
His response: "Receipts."
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From an article on the Woolacombe Bay Hotel in Devon, England: "Their three-night Christmas break includes a packed program of family entertainment, a crèche, excellent cuisine, and a visit from Satan."
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What is a parent’s favorite Christmas carol?
Silent Night.
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What do elves have to learn before they can read?
The elfabet.
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What’s the most popular Christmas wine?
"I don’t like brussels sprouts!"
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Why does your nose get tired in winter?
It runs all day.
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What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.
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Why was the little boy so cold on Christmas morning?
Because it was Decembrrrrr!
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Where do Christmas plants go when they want to become movie stars?
Holly-wood!
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What cars do elves drive?
A toyYoda.
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What do you call an obnoxious reindeer?
RUDEolph.
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What is Santa Claus' laundry detergent of choice?
Yule-Tide.
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Why does St. Nick like the Temptations’ version of Silent Night best?
Because Santa Was A Rolling Stone.
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Did you hear that Santa knows karate? He has a black belt.
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What do you say to Santa when he's taking attendance at school?
Present.
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Why does Santa have elves in his workshop?
Because the Seven Dwarfs were busy!
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Scene: A man applying for credit at a department store.
Clerk: What do you do for a living?
Man: I’m a tree trimmer.
Clerk: What do you do after Christmas?
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Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Yule log.
Yule log who?
Yule log the door after you let me in, won't you?
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A teenager waltzed into our jewelry store to buy a cross for her boyfriend. I showed her a selection, and she pointed to three: "Can I see that one, that one, and the one with the little man on it?"
"Oh," I replied. "You mean Jesus?"
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What should you give your parents at Christmas?
A list of what you want.
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How does Rudolph know when Christmas is coming?
He refers to his calen-deer.
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Why did the snowman want a divorce?
Because his wife was a total flake.
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How did the two rival Christmas trees get along?
They signed a peace tree-ty!
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Who is a Christmas tree's favorite singer?
Spruce Springsteen.
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Knock, knock!
Who's there?
Donut.
Donut who?
Donut open till Christmas!
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What's Jack Frost's favorite part of the school day?
Snow and tell.
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What does the Gingerbread Man use to make his bed?
Cookie sheets!
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What do you call an outlaw who steals gift wrapping from the rich to give to the poor?
Ribbon Hood.
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What's Santa Claus's favorite track & field event?
North Pole-vaulting!
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Why did Scrooge keep a pet lamb?
Because it would say, “Baaaaahh humbug!”
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Who is a Christmas tree's favorite singer?
Spruce Springsteen.
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How did Scrooge win the football game?
The ghost of Christmas passed.
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What do reindeer say before they tell a joke?
This will sleigh you.
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How do you lift a frozen car?
With a Jack Frost.
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How can you tell a family doesn't celebrate Christmas?
The lights are on, but nobody's a gnome.
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Why did the Christmas tree go to the barber?
It needed to be trimmed.
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Who is Santa's favorite singer?
Elf-is Presley.
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What do the elves call it when Father Christmas claps his hands at the end of a play?
Santapplause!
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What do you call Kris Kringle when he goes on his wife’s health insurance?
A dependent Claus.
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What kind of bike does Santa Claus ride?
A Holly Davidson.
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When Santa is on the beach what do the elves call him?
Sandy Claus.
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How does Santa sing the alphabet?
A B C D E F G... H I J K L M N Oh!, Oh!, Oh!, P Q R S T U V W X Y Z!
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To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m turning my house into an Italian restaurant.
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"One Christmas, my grandfather gave me a box of broken glass. He gave my brother a box of Band-Aids and said, “You two share.”
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"I once bought my kid a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying “Toys not included.”
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Did you hear that Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer never went to school? That's right—he was elf taught.
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Why did the children call St. Nick "Santa Caus"?
Because there was Noël.
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"As we were putting out cookies for Santa on Christmas Eve, I accidentally dropped one. "No problem," I said, picking it up and dusting it off before placing it back on the plate.
"You can't do that," argued my four-year-old.
"Don't worry. Santa will never know."
He shot me a look. "So he knows if I've been bad or good, but he doesn't know the cookie fell on the floor?"
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"My mother cast one of her students as the innkeeper for the Christmas pageant. All the third grader had to do was tell Joseph, "There is no room at the inn." But during the performance—after Joseph begged for a room for his pregnant wife—the boy didn't have the heart to turn him down. "Well," he said, "if it's so urgent, come on in."
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Three buildings in town were overrun by squirrels—the town hall, the hardware store, and the church. The town hall brought in some cats. But after they tore up all the files, the mayor got rid of the predators, and soon the squirrels were back. The hardware store humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free outside town. But three days later, the squirrels climbed back in. Only the church came up with an effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and made them members. Now they see them only on Christmas and Easter.
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Worshippers are greeted by these words at the Travelers Rest Church: "Do Not Sit on Steps."
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Why did they ask the turkey to join the band?
He had the drum sticks.
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What did the salt say to the pepper?
Season’s Greetings.
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Why wasn’t the turkey hungry at Christmas time?
Because he was stuffed.
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What do you call a letter that is sent up the chimney on Christmas eve?
Blackmail.
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What's a geologist's favorite Christmas Song?
Rocking Around the Christmas Tree.
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What happened to Santa when he went speed dating?
He pulled a cracker.
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What do reindeer put on their Christmas trees?
Hornaments.
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A 17 year old male walks into a drug store. He says "I've been invited to Christmas dinner at my new girlfriend's house. Afterwards I hope there is a chance I get lucky, you know what I mean"
Clerk: "How about condoms then? They could come in handy. Here's a pack." The young man after paying walks to the door, stops, smiles, comes back: "you know what, the mom is also smoking hot, I think I'll take another pack, just in case I get extra lucky."
Christmas eve comes around, the boy sits at the dinner table and doesn't say a word. After a while his girlfriend says: "if I had known you were so quiet, I wouldn't have invited you." the young man replies "if you had told me your dad works at a drug store, I wouldn't have come."
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What do you get if you cross Santa with a detective?
Santa Clues.
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Why don’t crabs celebrate Christmas?
Because they’re shell-fish.
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A book never written: How to Decorate a Tree, by Orna Ment.
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Did you know that Santa’s not allowed to go down chimneys this year?
It was declared unsafe by the Elf and Safety Commission.
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The 3 stages of man: He believes in Santa Claus. He doesn’t believe in Santa Claus. He is Santa Claus.
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Why did Santa send his daughter to college?
To keep her off the North Pole.
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How do the elves clean Santa's sleigh on the day after Christmas?
They use Santa-tizer.
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How can Santa deliver presents during a thunderstorm?
His sleigh is flown by raindeer.
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What's St. Nicholas's favorite measurement in the metric system?
The Santameter!
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What's a sheep's favorite Christmas song?
"Fleece Navidad"!
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What do sheep say to shepherds at Christmastime?
"Season's bleatings!"
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What's Santa Claus's favorite type of potato chip?
Crisp Pringles!
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How is the alphabet different on Christmas from every other day?
There's Noel!
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What do you sing at an elf's birthday party?
Freeze a Jolly Good Fellow!
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Which holiday mascot has the least spare change?
St. Nickel-less.
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Why are Christmas trees so fond of the past?
Because the present's beneath them.
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What's Santa's favorite song by the Ramones?
Blitzen-krieg Bop.
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Why does Santa go down the chimney?
Because it soots him!
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"This mall Santa seems insulted that I put down that protective paper before sitting on his lap."
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"Just as I began my Christmas Eve service, the electricity in the church failed. The ushers and I found some candles and placed them around the sanctuary. Then I reentered the pulpit, shuffled my notes, and muttered, "Now, where was I?"
A tired voice called out, "Right near the end!"
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What do Christmas trees and bad knitters have in common?
They both drop their needles.
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What do you call a reindeer who wears ear muffs?
Anything you want. He can’t hear you.
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Why does Scrooge love reindeer?
Because every buck is deer to him.
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Why did nobody bid for Rudolph and Blitzen on eBay?
They were two deer.
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Why do mummies like Christmas so much?
They’re into all the wrapping.
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Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Justin.
Justin who?
Justin time for Christmas cookies!
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