Being a good child who acts very mature for their age and is well-behaved almost all of the time.

Unfortunately, this also involves the parent(s) thinking they raised their child right. In reality, the child is robbed of childhood and has all the emotions and desires bottled up and suppressed.

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Lois Reese

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I'm in this comment, and it explains a lot. Damn. Called out.

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Being able to instantly read a room, and correctly.

When you grow up with labile people, who can flip on a dime and like to hand out truly extreme punishments, best believe that you learn to pick up small signals really quickly. This is a skill that will serve the user well throughout life, but it comes at a high cost. So high.

You also become extremely secretive. When the smallest thing you let slip can become a firestorm of screaming, physical punishment and various groundings trust that you learn EARLY to keep your damn mouth shut.

Parents: "We feel like you never tell us anything about yourself, or your day. Why?"

Why, indeed.

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Fricsmom

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Yes! My 2 older siblings were already out of the house when my dad’s brain tumor began causing violent rage and unpredictability I his behavior. I became extra vigilant so my baby sister would be safe. My older sibs don’t quite understand why I’m hyper aware and extremely protective of baby sister.

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Issues with trust, anxiety, rejection sensitivity

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Trying to be as quiet and unseen as possible.

Shallow breathing, mumbling, not projecting your voice. Walking on just the pads of your feet/not heel striking. Hanging out in corners, wearing drab clothing.

Being the center of attention is danger zone so you do what you can to not garner attention.

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Ash

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Walking on just the pads of your feet (called "toe walking") can also be a sign of autism.

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Peacekeeping. A kid doesn't realize their parent (mom in my case) is an emotionally abusive a*****e. All I knew is I didn't want people to be so mad at each other.


I think my life would have been better if I hadn't talked them out of divorce.

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Glengoolie Blue

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The best thing my parents ever did for me was get divorced. I remember the great sense of relief I felt that they weren't fighting all the time.

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Inability to feel or process some emotions. I, for example, cant feel lonely. Isolation, as a child, was my only time of peace, and now i crave it to an unhealthy degree. Being alone never gets old for me. I never feel the need to be near or with anyone ever. I've never dated irl, i've never had more that one strong friendship.


Inability to trust that people are genuine. I cant receive a compliment. I believe 100% of them are just lying to me or lining me up to use me for some reason. I CAN be criticized, but it's meaningless. It doesnt hurt, or change anything. Everything in my entire life has had major negative critical judgment, and it's like water off a ducks back now.


Lack of desire to compete or accomplish. This can include goal setting. As a child i learned, no matter how much effort i put in to get something i wanted, it wasn't good enough, or it would be taken away by the poor decisions of parents. They would move. Destroy it. Lose it. Give it away to someone else, or, move me away from it. So, even at 40, there's nothing i'll work towards, because nothing feels like it's real, or worth it, or going to be kept. I'm like the anti-hoarder. Nothing has value to me like it should. Nothing.


Loss of sense of self. Soemtimes you feel disembodied. You feel like an observer in your own life. Third-personing things.

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Angela B

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I am so sorry you live this way. I hope you find your peace.

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Over-explaining why we want something.

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Oversharing and feeling guilty afterwards. Overanalyzing everything you say.

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Being really good at de-escalating situations, and in tune with people's emotions, for lack of a better way to put it. When you grow up around people who could explode at a moment's notice over nothing, you become very good at talking them down once they do, or changing the subject/situation to avoid it in the first place. I can practically feel the fight or flight kicking in every time somebody raises their voice near me.

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Being afraid to ask for things. Remembering footsteps. Not liking spending time with family. Doesn’t like going out because you’d be alone and watching others have fun with each other. Your own family not remembering the last time you laughed or telling you to smile. And constantly saying “I wish she’d smile more” while looking at photos. Being shy or awkward around your own friends in person.

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dissociating while being yelled at

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Daria

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1 year ago

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I actually start laughing because to me a yelling, angry person looks like an ape lol

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For me it was emotional abuse, so rejection anxiety, feeling like everyone's always mad at you, not being able to read people, fear of failure or letting people down, fear of authority figures (especially female managers), feeling like you're constantly walking on eggshells, emotional immaturity, and feeling constantly drained while interacting with them.

I never realized that they were abusive until last year. Since then I've been working to heal, and I've found some positive things that came from it: increased empathy, the ability to rephrase things so the other person can understand, being able to recognize and apologize for toxic behavior (still working on fixing it though), and understanding/enforcing my own boundaries both towards myself and others.

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Finding someone perfect for you and then systematically sabotaging it

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Delayed emotional maturation. Underlying, unresolved anger issues. Low self worth. Abandonment issues. Overly sexualized behaviors.

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Ash

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Seeming both young for your age and old for your age.

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Lack of eye contact. My dad was severely bullied as a child, he was the new kid from out of town who knew no one. Had few friends so was an easy target. teachers turned a blind eye. Went on for some time. Only came to light when he started skipping classes to avoid the bullies.

To this day he still cannot maintain eye contact for more than a couple of seconds; especially if he is meeting people for the first time and would prefer to stay at home than go out.

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Daura Beard

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That's the hyper-empathy. The eye contact tells you WAY too much - it's uncomfortable and feels like I'm being invasive.

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I’m a “rescuer” because my entire family was so dysfunctional I took on the role of solving everyone else’s problems, especially my parents. And I was the youngest child, go figure.

I eventually realized I did this subconsciously because I was trying to model the behavior to all of them like “hey, try doing this for me please!” I’m almost 40 years old and I’m still waiting for someone in my family to help me with any of my problems without me having to ask.

So I finally decided I’m only doing for others what they’ve done for me. This was only two weeks ago but I already feel better. It’s been hard though because I still feel sorry for people despite never really receiving the same from them unfortunately.

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As someone still going through it, if you see someone trying to cover their ears when they hear yelling, or just want to be alone from people, or just cry when they actually get affection and love, those are some signs

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Flinching. Don't matter why... Even if you're paying with somebody and they flinch...

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Memories of feeling dread when a certain parent arrived home.

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Lynette Vella

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1 year ago

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My dad.

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No or few good memories

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LesAnimaux

LesAnimaux

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1 year ago

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Has someone else lost literal *years* of their life? I can't remember big chunks of my childhood, high school, college even.

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Not trauma per se~~i~~, but as a father, I got criticized a lot by my wife saying I’m spoiling my son, simplily because I got very little attention from my father when I was a kid. I feel I’m trying to heal this by being my own ideal father

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cerinamroth

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This is a very interesting comment. My husband and I both come from difficult backgrounds and I identify very strongly with your comment that you are trying to be your own ideal father. We are both doing that, too. Good for you! I hope your wife understands better when you put it like that.

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Not asking for things because they’ll say no

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Hard time transitioning into adulthood.

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Completely shutting down when criticized or corrected.

Took me years to get past this.

- Backstory.

My parents are boomers. Dad grew up in a coal mining town in southern Illinois, was a Viet Nam Marine turned missionary in Uganda in the late 70's. "Interesting times” is his description. Mom grew up in Savannah GA and survived the Civil Rights and integration riots of the deep South. Became a missionary to South America also in the late 70s. Viva la revolution!

So, suffice it to say they've lived through some s**t and are orders of magnitude harder f***s than I'll ever be. They didn't have the tools we do today to diagnose and cope. So they internalized all of it instead, on top of a ton of old fashioned generational blue collar trauma.

As is tradition, it was passed on to me.

- How I recognized and started treating it.

Bootcamp got the ball rolling. It keeps you at a functional high level of stress, to the point you just have to deal with it. There's no time to shut down or feel sorry for yourself, you showed up behind schedule and don't realize you've caught up until you get to your first unit and oversleep for the first time on your day off.

I lucked up and my (then) girlfriend spotted it. She stopped letting me retreat to my dark place. I eventually married her. Even then it was years before we realized how broken I was.

I found mentors in different areas of interest, some were authors or had podcasts, the main one was a gunsmith and had a PHd of history who took me in when my parents split. He gave solid advice which I took to heart.

PT. The hardest part is working out and building discipline. Sometimes I have to be at muscle failure before I can think straight.

Research. I've been reading up on stress, trauma, PTSD, recovery, historical warrior cultures, meditation... all of it. Been attacking this like an engineer or mechanic instead of a doctor.

Lastly, *most* importantly. I got help from other people. I could NOT do this alone. It was just too much to process.

TL:DR

1. Bootcamp. No time for self recrimination, too much s**t to do.

2. Found a friend willing and able to help

3. Found mentors, in person and in books/podcasts

4. Physical training, it sucks but works

5. Researched the topic across multiple disciplines and cultures. Strangely I never found the RSD diagnosis.

6. I got help. I found people to help me.

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Loverboy

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I'm used to be criticized so it doesn't affect me as much as it used to. Everyday there's something, just got to live with it. Shouldn't have to, but I do.

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Childish activities become almost like treats.

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difficulty trusting/animosity towards authority-

one of my friends in high school was always SO rude to teachers, counselors, security guards, peoples parents, etc. anyone who was in a position of authority. I couldnt understand why because it seemed to me that they just wanted to make sure we didnt ruin our lives doing dumb teenage stuff. it made so much sense when she confided in me that she had been molested by authority figures (her father, uncles, teachers, tutors) as a young child.

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Sometimes its people who are overly defensive or confrontational. Or have a tendency to bully. The whole "I'm gonna hurt you before you hurt me" mentality.

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Overexplaining

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Trauma causes pain. Pain is avoided in many ways; painkillers (alcohol, drugs) the obvious one, but the most deadly are the socially acceptable ones: smoking, coffee, overeating, over working, fighting constantly, constant need for distractions like social media, sex, violence, gambling, investing in risky stuff like crypto…all those also numb the pain but people won’t judge you for them.
Sit down and do nothing for an hour, no distractions, no books, no music, no guided meditation, just absolute silence. The harder that activity is the bigger the trauma that needs to be healed. That’s why prisoners in solitary see it as torture, they are full of wounds. That’s why babies can spend hours like that, they have cero conditioning.

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They make no eye contact. I know because even at the age of 45 I will always struggle with this.

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Daria

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On the contrary, I always maintain eye contact to know people's reactions, but at some point I learned to break it occasionally to not seem creepy.

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An anxious attachment style

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In my experience its reliving it in your head when you get drunk lol

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