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“Can’t Relate To Children”: 30 People Share Why They’re Not Parents Yet And Might Never Be
A home constantly full of chatter, a car with a child seat or two, coloring books and legos next to your magazines and knick-knacks, and a little human—or a couple—calling your name after having just awoken from a nap. For some people, hoping to one day become parents, such a scenario sounds like something they would love to have in life. Now read the same sentence from a perspective of someone who wouldn’t.
For many, people’s desire to have children is baffling, at best. They don’t see the charm in the perpetually increased levels of noise (except for the brief periods when the little hellraiser(s) is sleeping), toys scattered haphazardly around, and someone being at your side nearly constantly.
But these are only some of the more lightweight reasons not to have children. Members of the ‘Ask Reddit’ community opened up about what stops them from having kids, covering such things as financial burdens and the huge mental load, among other things, which shows that one has to be 110% sure before bringing anyone into this world. Scroll down to find their reasoning on the list below and see why some people don’t see themselves becoming parents.
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#1
I’d rather regret not having kids, than to regret having kids.
sturmwesen 3 months ago
That's just it. If you get kids and regret it it's not just you who suffers.
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#2
In this economy? You have your question backwards. It should be “people who want kids, why.”
Linda Riebel 3 months ago
Amen! I asked a therapy client why she wanted kids and she sat stunned and speechless. Didn't have an answer.
#3
Why would I want kids? Personally, I can’t think of a single compelling reason to have them. Kids deserve a parent who wants them, not someone who just tolerates them.
#4
There are too many reasons to list, but the biggest is probably just that it seems cruel to me to willingly raise someone in this world.
Kathy Richardson 3 months ago
When I had my kids the world wasn't as bad, but I look at it now and wish I had never had them because my grand kids are in this hellscape and now they have to choose whether os not to bring kids into this catastrophe waiting to happen.
#5
Why should I want them??
Reasons I don't:
* kids are expensive. I like spending money on travel and fun s**t
* I like my freedom. And sleep.
* I have terrible genetics. It would just be plain unfair to pass those on.
* On top of that, I'm pretty sure I'd have the worst f*****g pregnancy possible.
* I live in the US. That means it's expensive just to pop the damn thing out, there's very little social safety net, childcare is more expensive than rent, and even working for the government, I'd get 12 weeks paid parental leave, which is still nowhere near enough (but still way better than most jobs).
* I don't personally think it's very fair to bring kids into the shitshow that is our world currently.
* I don't really like kids. I love my nieces...in fairly small doses. More and more as they get older. But, I enjoy being the cool, quirky aunt, that brings them fun little gifts from various travels, with lots of cool stories, and fun experiences when they visit me. I can handle that responsibility and enjoy it for a few days at a time, then I'm totally drained. That's enough for me.
* I'm not a broodmare, and I have more purpose in life than just being a walking incubator for another life.
But the only reason that matters:
* I just plain don't want them, and kids deserve having a parent that wants them.
#6
It's not the only reason, but one fear I've had is a special needs kid that would require constant care for the rest of my life.
sturmwesen 3 months ago
Valid reason. Better than getting pregnant and being overwhelmed after.
#7
I struggle with anxiety and anger issues and I wouldn’t want to pass that on to my child or have them have to grow up dealing with my anxieties and anger episodes. I just couldn’t do it and it wouldn’t be fair to them. Plus it’s real expensive. I’d rather have a life of peace and quiet and travel to figure myself out. To the moms: you guys are tough saints.
#8
Here’s a lot of the things pregnancy can do to someone’s body:
Normal, frequent or expectable temporary side effects of pregnancy:
exhaustion (weariness common from first weeks), altered appetite and senses of taste and smell, nausea and vomiting (50% of women, first trimester), heartburn and indigestion, constipation, weight gain, dizziness and light-headedness, bloating, swelling, fluid retention, hemorrhoids, abdominal cramps, yeast infections, congested, bloody nose, acne and mild skin disorders, skin discoloration (chloasma, face and abdomen), mild to severe backache and strain, increased headaches, difficulty sleeping and discomfort while sleeping, increased urination and incontinence, bleeding gums, pica, breast pain and discharge, swelling of joints, leg cramps, joint pain, difficulty sitting, standing in later pregnancy, inability to take regular medications, shortness of breath, higher blood pressure, hair loss or increased facial/body hair, tendency to anemia, curtailment of ability to participate in some sports and activities, urinary tract infections, infection including from serious and potentially fatal disease (pregnant women are immune suppressed compared with non-pregnant women, and are more susceptible to fungal and certain other diseases), extreme pain on delivery, hormonal mood changes, including normal postpartum depression, continued postpartum exhaustion and recovery period (exacerbated if a c-section -- major surgery -- is required, sometimes taking up to a full year to fully recover)
Normal, expectable, or frequent PERMANENT side effects of pregnancy:
stretch marks (worse in younger women), loose skin, permanent weight gain or redistribution, abdominal and vaginal muscle weakness, pelvic floor disorder (occurring in as many as 35% of middle-aged former child-bearers and 50% of elderly former child-bearers, associated with urinary and rectal incontinence, discomfort and reduced quality of life -- aka prolapsed uterus, the malady sometimes badly fixed by the transvaginal mesh), changes to breasts, increased foot size, varicose veins, permanent changes in vision, scarring from episiotomy or c-section, vaginal, perineal, and/or clitoral tearing during delivery (90% of births cause some degree of tearing). These can lead to permanent issues such as incontinence, pain during intercourse, and the loss of the ability to have a clitoral orgasm. other permanent aesthetic changes to the body (all of these are downplayed because the culture values youth and beauty), increased proclivity for hemorrhoids, loss of dental and bone calcium (cavities, tooth loss, and osteoporosis), higher lifetime risk of developing Alzheimer's, newer research indicates microchimeric cells, other bi-directional exchanges of DNA, chromosomes, and other bodily material between fetus and mother (including with "unrelated" gestational surrogates)
Occasional complications and side effects:
complications of episiotomy, spousal/partner abuse, hyperemesis gravidarum, temporary and permanent injury to back, severe scarring requiring later surgery, (especially after additional pregnancies), dropped (prolapsed) uterus (especially after additional pregnancies, and other pelvic floor weaknesses -- 11% of women, including cystocele, rectocele, and enterocele), pre-eclampsia (edema and hypertension, the most common complication of pregnancy, associated with eclampsia, and affecting 7 - 10% of pregnancies), eclampsia (convulsions, coma during pregnancy or labor, high risk of death), gestational diabetes, placenta previa, anemia (which can be life-threatening), thrombocytopenic purpura, severe cramping, embolism (blood clots), medical disability requiring full bed rest (frequently ordered during part of many pregnancies varying from days to months for health of either mother or baby), diastasis recti also torn abdominal muscles, mitral valve stenosis (most common cardiac complication), serious infection and disease (e.g. increased risk of tuberculosis), hormonal imbalance, ectopic pregnancy (risk of death), broken bones (ribcage, spine, hips, "tail bone"), hemorrhage and numerous other complications of delivery, refractory gastroesophageal reflux disease, aggravation of pre-pregnancy diseases and conditions (e.g. epilepsy is present in .5% of pregnant women, and the pregnancy alters d**g metabolism and treatment prospects all the while it increases the number and frequency of seizures), severe postpartum depression and psychosis, research now indicates a possible link between ovarian cancer and female fertility treatments, including "egg harvesting" from infertile women and donors, research also now indicates correlations between lower breast cancer survival rates and proximity in time to onset of cancer of last pregnancy, research also indicates a correlation between having six or more pregnancies and a risk of coronary and cardiovascular disease
Less common (but serious) complications:
peripartum cardiomyopathy, cardiopulmonary arrest, magnesium toxicity, severe hypoxemia/acidosis, massive embolism, increased intracranial pressure, brain stem infarction, molar pregnancy, gestational trophoblastic disease (like a pregnancy-induced cancer), malignant arrhythmia, circulatory collapse, placental abruption, obstetric fistula
More permanent side effects:
future infertility, permanent disability, Obstetric Fistula, Death
And then after all of that, you have a newborn to take care of who depends on you to live for the next 18 years minimum.
No thank you.
#9
Look, I love kids. I WORK with kids. But at the end of the day I return home, to a childfree environment, where I can relax and not worry about mysterious sticky spots or stepping on Legos. I mean, I can imagine being a parent during the fun and cute moments. But I know those are few and far between.
Basically, there's no way I'd bring a child into this world unless I was fully committed to raising and loving them. And I'm not, so I won't.
#10
I can barely take care of myself as it is.
#11
I'm a mom. I love my little rugrat. I can still give you 100 reasons why you shouldn't have kids.
#12
Having a kid now is like having an exotic pet. You have to be really rich and kind of crazy.
#13
I have 2 under the age of 2 and I'm regretting it so much. I've never really liked kids but wanted to experience being a mother and I thought I would definitely love my own and i really do.... but it's incredibly draining and overwhelming. I've never been so miserable.
#14
I grew up with a brother 10 years younger than i am. Went from changing his diapers to teaching him how to mod minecraft.
Left to goto college. I call him nearly every night, and we still watch anime an play video games together theough discord calls.
I already had my kid. Hes called my little brother. Just wish i understood my familys financial situation sooner.
athornedrose 3 months ago
amen. parentified eldest kids already raised our siblings. we're done. we don't need to do this again. it was stressful enough the first time.
#15
I live in the United States, last thing I need is to provide healthcare for yet another human being. Not to mention future prospects seem pretty bleek in the U.S. so bringing a kid into this s**t hole would just be sort of mean.
#16
Myself (f31) and fiance (m33) have been together 12 years, no kids. Within past few years we've both finally got jobs we've been working towards and a nice income. We like our life, being able to go away for a night or two or out for nice meals as we can afford it. Then have quiet evenings watching Netflix. Neither of us want a child enough to actually have one. We talk about it frequently to check we're on the same page. Working well for us.
Jen Mead 3 months ago
You sound exactly like me and my husband. We married very young, and we weren't ready to be parents. Everyone said "you'll change your mind" and I was quite prepared to believe that we would. We promised each other we would not, however, have kids until we were both ready and both WANTED kids. We've checked in with each other often to make sure we're on the same page, and we always have been. Nope. Don't want 'em. Like our life just the way it is. Check again? Actually, the older we get, the less parental we feel. Window closing? Now or never? Totally fine with the never. We're in our 50s now and have not regretted it for an instant.
#17
1) I don’t like children, can’t relate to children, and feel uncomfortable around children.
2) I can’t justify birthing my own child when there are so many foster children without homes.
3) I can’t justify having a child at all with the lack of finances I have.
4) It would ruin my life to have a child, it would halt all the plans I have for my future. I could never bring a child into this world that I would resent for ruining my life. It’s not fair to the child or to me.
devotedtodreams 3 months ago
Point #1 is exactly how I feel about children, and yet I rarely ever hear anyone say it this clearly. Thanks for letting me know I'm not the only one, OP! ♥
#18
I enjoy freedom, I enjoy my relationship exactly as it is, I have a major fear of being pregnant, I like having money. Oh and I don’t like babies or kids. The reasons are endless.
Janelle Collard 3 months ago
All good reasons! Not everyone got the "mommy" gene. (*raises hand.)
#19
I'm selfish. I don't want to change my lifestyle or put things on hold because I have kids. I want to sleep in. I want to spend money when I want. I want to travel without limitations. Plus, the reasons people give me as to why I should have kids are selfish. I think it's selfish to have kids so you can be taken care of when you're older. I think it's selfish to have kids just to carry on your lineage. I think it's selfish to have kids to try to make your life better.
I'm a 31 year old female and there hasn't been one point in my life where I've ever wanted kids. I'm happy for my friends and family that have them but f**k, it would make me absolutely miserable.
devotedtodreams 3 months ago
The whole argument of "someone to take care of you when you're older" is bullsh*t anyway. Having a kid is no guarantee for that - too often have I read about old folks in nursing homes whose kids rarely - or never - visit them.
#20
Kids are innocent.
They don't ask to be brought into this world; and creating another human is not only a huge responsibility, it's one that's often taken WAY too lightly.
Kids only deserve our best. So if you aren't able to financially, emotionally, etc, support your kid, you shouldn't have a kid. If you aren't 110% positive you want a kid, you shouldn't have a kid. Because kids deserve our best. Not d**g houses, unloving parents, abuse, or poverty. They deserve our best.
People often have kids to save a marriage, or "because it's what you're supposed to do", or because they are coerced to, and I legitimately hate that.
Since I'm not 110% positive I want kids, that means it would be extremely irresponsible of me to have kids. So I "don't want kids".
#21
In case you haven't noticed, the world is a complete hell hole. I wouldn't want to force someone else into it.
Linda Riebel 3 months ago
Um, I'm happily childfree, too, but the world is not a "complete" hell hole. When I'm discouraged I go to these websites: Mypositiveoutlooks.com, goodnewsnetwork.org, reasonstobecheerful.world, nicenews.com, and goodnewsnetwork.org There! I fixed it! (but feel free to go childfree if that's what you want).
#22
I really love my wife, but she'd be a terrible parent. She's lazy, unreliable, and irresponsible. We're now in our mid 30s, and have been married for 10 years. I grew up, but she didn't.
And yet, I love her more than I want kids. But I've been putting off telling her how i feel regarding kids for a while, but she recently brought up having kids again, and now I'm going to need to face it.
I have communicated most of my issues to her, just never in the context of having kids (or not having them, I guess). Nothing changes, just more excuses.
#23
Kids are a lifelong commitment to raise and care for another human, and I don’t think I’m capable of handling that. I like kids, but I don’t think I could raise one well, so I’m not going to try.
#24
Don’t make enough money to support them and me among other reasons.
#25
Because it’s a lifetime commitment to taking care of another human being, when I don’t have to.
#26
I realized while babysitting when I was younger that I don’t find the daily tasks that excellent parenting requires to be interesting or satisfying.
#27
I have three kids and no money. Why can't I have no kids and three money?
#28
Not only have I lost the desire thanks to retail, but also I just always felt that kids make a wedge between couples. They end up dedicating everything to the children and fail to give each other at least 25% of their attention. That can either seriously harm or even destroy a relationship.
Lucky Hemlock 3 months ago (edited)
Having worked many many years in Retail, I can certainly relate! You see the worst behavior of children and mothers, but listening to screaming kids every day just grates on your nerves. It was one of the reasons I went child-free, and I don't regret it one bit!
#29
I can't afford to give a child the quality life I want for them yet.
Edit: I think it's important that everyone remembers that quality life may not mean the same thing to everyone, and there are multiple factors that influence quality of life.
Some people may feel financial pressure because they can't provide basic essentials, while at the same time, some people may the feel the same pressure because they can't provide a private school education. Some people may feel they don't have quality time to dedicate to raising a child and might be putting their career first for awhile. Some people may have moved multiple times in their lives and will only feel secure when they have a stable home to provide a child. You do not have to be rich to have children. But you do have to be in a place in your life where you prepared to provide for them, love them, show up for them, and help them when they need it. This includes making sure that ones self is also mentally and emotionally prepared to make that commitment and follow through.
It's not just money. It's not just time. It's not just assets or liabilities. It's not just mental health. It's all of it and it looks different for everyone.
Please keep your judgments to yourself.
Becca not Becky 3 months ago
This should be at the top. Everyone should read this one before they have kids and before they judge someone for not doing so.
#30
I don't feel like raising a child or giving birth to one. It's way too stressful. I'd rather get married and enjoy life with my spouse.
What do you think ?
Gavin Johnson 3 months ago
Incorrect title.. It should read. 43 people STATE their case, they aren’t guilty or accused of anything, they don’t have to plead anything at all. Normalise NOT having children eh?
devotedtodreams 3 months ago
This! Not having children is not a sin or anything. Also, I am very adamant about being called "childfree" instead of "childless", as I most definitely don't see the absence of children in my life as any kind of deficit.
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Schnitzel 3 months ago
Why does this have to be a debate?? You have kids? Great. No kids? Great. It's all bloody great!
May 3 months ago
For real !!!! Both extreme parts are annoying. 'Children are annoying with their sticky fingers and legos (real post on the thread), It's so much better to focus yourself ' vs. 'Western women only care about their careers, if you're not 24 with children you're a fool, good luck being eaten by your cats and die alone'.
Load More Replies...
Gavin Johnson 3 months ago
Incorrect title.. It should read. 43 people STATE their case, they aren’t guilty or accused of anything, they don’t have to plead anything at all. Normalise NOT having children eh?
devotedtodreams 3 months ago
This! Not having children is not a sin or anything. Also, I am very adamant about being called "childfree" instead of "childless", as I most definitely don't see the absence of children in my life as any kind of deficit.
Load More Replies... Schnitzel 3 months ago
Why does this have to be a debate?? You have kids? Great. No kids? Great. It's all bloody great!
May 3 months ago
For real !!!! Both extreme parts are annoying. 'Children are annoying with their sticky fingers and legos (real post on the thread), It's so much better to focus yourself ' vs. 'Western women only care about their careers, if you're not 24 with children you're a fool, good luck being eaten by your cats and die alone'.
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