When you can’t find a parking spot, you turn down the volume to see better.

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The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.

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My 35-year boycott of Ferrari and Lamborghini is still going strong!

And will continue until they lower the price.

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New Teslas don’t come with a new car smell they come with an Elon Musk.

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If a car’s chasing you, you’ll definitely get tired.

But if you chase cars, you’ll get exhausted.

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What kind of cars do people in Norway drive?

Fjords.

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I just got nine out of 10 on my driver’s test.

The last guy was able to get out of the way.

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What’s the difference between a Fiat and a golf ball?

You can drive a golf ball more than 200 yards.

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The biggest irony is being hit by a Dodge.

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What kind of car does Yoda drive?

A Toyoda.

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Did you know that Ford is making a new heated tailgate?

It’s so your hands stay warm when you are pushing it back home in the winter.

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Who can drive all their customers away and still make money?

Taxi drivers.

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When I wrecked my last car, I solved the mystery of whether or not a Mercedes bends.

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What’s the best part of Audi’s customer service?

They answer within four rings.

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That’s not a leak…

My car just marking its territory.

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Why are racecar drivers the best people to go to for dating advice?

They’re trained to look for red flags.

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Why couldn’t the frog find where he parked his car?

He’d been toad.

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What do you need to be able to drive in the outback?

You need to show koala-fications.

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What do you call a VW bus at the top of a hill?

A miracle.

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Why don’t cars work after you change their wheels?

Because they are retired.

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Kids, I bought the cat a new car.

It’s a Cat-illac.

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If you ever feel like your job has no purpose, always remember that there is someone who is installing a turn signal in a BMW.

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Did you hear about the Yoga class for electric cars? No, that’s a thing?

I guess. They just park in circle and say “ohm” the whole time.

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What is a car’s preferred mobile phone brand?

No-Kia.

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Just reversed into a Bugatti.

But I left him a note on my bank statement so he knows not to bother calling me.

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What kind of motorbike does Santa ride?

A Holly Davidson!

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What did the traffic light say to the car?

Don’t look, I am about to change.

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Why did the washing machine schedule a test drive?

Because he wanted to go for a spin.

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How does a German cowboy say hello?

Audi.

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What’s a car’s favorite meal?

Brake-fast.

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Porsche will sell electric sports car specifically for environmentally conscious owners experiencing a midlife crisis.

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What should you double check when buying an electric car?

That your driving license is current.

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How can you tell if a car is from Switzerland?

It remains in neutral.

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What did the computer say to the other person after a 16 hour car ride?

Damn, that was a hard drive.

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Someone complimented me on my driving the other day.

They left a note on the windscreen - Parking Fine!

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My Subaru accidentally skidded over the bridge.

I guess it’s now a Scuba-ru.

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What’s Vin Diesel's favorite car?

Mazda Familia.

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Guy walks into an auto parts store and says to the counterman “I’d like new air freshener for my Yugo.” The guy behind the counter shakes his hand and says “OK, that sounds like a pretty decent trade.”

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I got gas for $1.99 at lunch.

Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.

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What kind of car does Jesus drive?

A Christler.

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What do you call a guy who always loses his car?

Carlos.

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What do you get when dinosaurs crash their cars?

Tyrannosaurus wrecks.

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I couldn’t work out how to fasten my seatbelt. Then it clicked.

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What kind of cars do cooks drive?

Chef-rolets.

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Why can’t motorcycles do push-ups?

Because they’re always two-tired.

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What do you call a German electric car?

A Voltswagen.

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Why did the electric car go to court?

It was charged with battery.

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98% of all Jeeps ever made are still on the road today.

The other 2% made it home.

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I use BMW to go to work.

Bus, Metro, Walk.

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What type of snakes are found on cars?

Windshield Vipers!

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How do you know a car is a good price?

If it is a-Ford-able.

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Wanted: A man who has been stealing wheels from police cars.

Police are working tirelessly to catch him.

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As I put my car in reverse, I thought to myself...

“Ah, this takes me back.”

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I stopped to pick up a hitchhiker.

Turns out he was just telling me he approved of my driving.

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My sweetheart is always taking health food crazes too far.

Now, it’s even affecting my driving. She took the carb-orator off my car!

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That car salesman is a real car-deal-ologist.

It’s been a long time since someone gave me such a stress test!

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What’s the difference between a Ferrari and six trash bags full of recyclable cans?

I don’t have a Ferrari in my garage.

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Want to hear a car joke?

Ford Fiesta.

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What cars do snakes drive?

An ana-honda.

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Why is Miss Piggy such a bad driver?

Because all she does is hog the road.

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I really need to get my car fixed.

What body shop do you wreck-amend?

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Working at a Land Rover factory is so interesting.

I make a new Discovery every day.

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With the rise of self-driving vehicles, it's only a matter of time before we get a country song where a guy's truck leaves him too.

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What do you get when you put a car and a pet together?

Carpet.

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What does a Volkswagen run on?

Beetle juice.

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What do all French cars come with as standard?

A spare wheel of cheese.

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Have I given you the tour of my estate yet?

It is a Vauxhall.

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What should you do if a car is annoying you.

Give the car a head rest.

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What is the car dealership in Star Wars called?

The Mazda-lorian.

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What does the car brand FIAT stand for?

Fix-It Again Tomorrow.

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Why would the penguins make good F1 drivers?

Because they’re always in the pole position!

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A truck carrying blackberries spilled on the highway. It was quite a traffic jam.

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Why did Elon Musk go broke?

Because his car insurance rates were astronomical.

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Which Johnny doesn’t need a car?

A Johnny Walker.

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Lamborghini once decided to ditch the ICE entirely and focus on electric cars for foreseeable future

That time period was known as Silence of the Lambs.

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Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?

If they had four they'd be chicken sedans.

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If somebody sees me singing in my car, my reaction is to stare at them until it’s awkward for both of us.

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What did the little Nissan truck say to the big Nissan truck?

"Oh Nissan!"

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Two Cadillac drivers got in a fender-bender, got out of their cars, and then started yelling at each other.

Within a few seconds, they were in a fistfight. I guess you could say things Escaladed quickly.

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Bad news: Your car is totaled.

Good news: After the wreck, your Audi is finally an innie.

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When you get hit by a guitar truck, is it a fender-bender?

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My daughter said I could never make a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen the look on her face when I drove pasta.

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If I owned a DeLorean, I would probably only drive it from time to time.

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Why can’t cars play football?

Because they have only one boot.

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What has 10 letters and starts with G-A-S?

Automobile.

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What’s the best pickup line?

Probably Chevy’s.

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You should get a job at a transmission repair shop.

I’m sure you’ll get used to the early-morning shifts.

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Why did the cop pull over the U-Haul truck?

He wanted to bust a move.

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When a BMW owner learns to drive...

What kind of car do they switch to?

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If Dodge made an electric car...

Would it be called a Dodge Chargeable?

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What is a lacrosse players favorite type of car?

A dodge!

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I'm on the highway to hell, but ran over the pothole to hell and need the roadside assistance to hell.

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What did the tornado say to the car?

Want to go for a spin?

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What kind of car do frogs like best?

A Beetle!

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What is a Tesla Model 3’s favorite dance?

The Electric Slide.

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What does the GT stand for on a Ford?

Glued together.

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What do cars play at the weekend?

Golf.

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Honda is the oldest car made in the world. It was mentioned in the bible!

The apostles were all in Accord.

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Why didn't the two Alfa Romeo owners say hi to each other when they met at the bar?

Because they saw each other at the mechanic's earlier that day.

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A guy changes his Fiat 500 for a bigger car and complains about increased road noise. The salesman comes around and says: "Can't understand how it could possibly be the case, the new sedan is so much quieter". The buyer responds: "When I sat in Fiat 500, my knees covered my ears."

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What do you call the world's most badass sedan?

A Liam Nissan.

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How do Prius owners drive?

One hand on the wheel, the other patting themselves on the back.

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What do you do with old German cars?

You take ‘em to the old Volk’s home.

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What's worse than raining cats and dogs?

Hailing taxis!

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What is the main difference between BMWs and Porcupines?

Porcupines carry their pricks on the outside.

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What kind of vehicle does a chicken drive?

A coop.

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You know what really grinds my gears?

Clutch failure.

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I wanted to buy a new electric car. Their prices are just too shocking.

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What type of car do sheep like to drive?

A Lamborghini!

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A Ford Focus Electric and a Kia Soul went on a date. At first, the Focus wanted to Bolt, but after a while a Spark formed. Things ended up getting X rated, so I thought it better to just LEAF them alone.

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If a piano player is called a pianist, wouldn’t a racecar driver be called a racist?

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How do you watch NASCAR without a TV?

You flush a bag of M&M's down the toilet.

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If you wanna go offroading, take a Land Rover.

If you wanna get back, take a Land Cruiser.

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Never get into a lane-­merging game of chicken with a person who has a garbage bag for a car-door window.

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