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Woman Asks Folks Online If She’s A Jerk For Taking The Cake She Baked For Her Fiance And Leaving His B-Day Party After His Mom Stole Her Thunder
It’s weird to think that birthdays are a celebration focused on the fact that you’re getting older. For those avoiding the term “old”, you’re level-upping or whatever.
So, to offset the disappointment of growing gradually more ache-y and frail, we distract ourselves with birthday presents and cake!
But, even that can sometimes turn into a disappointment depending on the people you surround yourself with.
One Redditor explains just how disappointing cake can be. But not because the cake was at fault here. Nope, it was all the mother-in-law and her fiance who rejected her surprise cake. OP was having none of it, though.
More Info: Reddit
You can’t have a birthday party without gifts and without cake, right? But then someone has to go and ruin the fun by adding some disrespect to it
Image source: apium (not the actual photo)
So, Reddit user u/EmilyPaterson099 visited the Am I The A-Hole community with a conflict she recently had.
The story goes that she, the 25-year-old fiance of 31-year-old “Ben”, doesn’t get along all that much with her mother-in-law, Ben’s mom. She does make the effort to be polite, but her high standards and expectations are doing her head in. You see, she’s a mother of 3 sons, so of course, she has high expectations for the women they date.
A woman recently turned to Reddit to ask if she was wrong to turn around and leave a birthday party—with her baked cake—after she got some mad disrespect
Image source: EmilyPaterson099
This manifests in the form of comments about her body—so much, in fact, that she had been suggested cosmetic surgeries and the like. Ben, however, told her she needs to grow a thicker skin. Because, of course, the mom won’t stop with the social commentary, but “she means well”.
So, Ben’s birthday is fast approaching, and OP is known for being a cake and sweets goddess. Ben likes it, but his family is suspiciously avoidant of her confectionery. Over time, she learned not to pry.
But, as we’ve already said, Ben’s birthday is approaching, so OP wanted to bake him a cake the way he likes. She went through a lot of effort doing it too—took a day off, went grocery shopping for this and whatnot. Needless to say, he was thrilled.
Image source: EmilyPaterson099
This time around, though, the mother-in-law was hosting the party. Not a problem, a cake isn’t a mountain. You can transport it. Well, that she does, only to find out upon arrival that the mother-in-law went ahead and got a cake from a bakery. Supposedly, a very expensive one, given its size and 3-character anonymous price tag.
OK, question: what about the cake she made? Brace yourself for the worst thing you can ever respond with. The mother-in-law responds, “Oh, you can place it on the counter over there and we’ll let the kids have it.”
OP’s heart sank. She looks at her fiance, who casually goes with the flow and nods in a “just do it” kind of way. But OP was having none of it. Cake in hand, she turns around and simply leaves.
Image source: Pete Jelliffe (not the actual photo)
The mother stays inside, but Ben follows her, asking where she is going. Home. He obviously didn’t need her cake, and by proxy, her, judging by how easily her efforts were brushed off. He claimed she was overreacting, urging her to just “go with the flow” and asking her to stay.
She left.
That didn’t stop him from seemingly enjoying himself because he didn’t come back home until 11 PM that night. And he came back with some commentary, saying she had behaved childishly, ruining his party and disrespecting his mother like that.
And so, this story found its way to the AITA community, who saw zero fault in OP and all the fault in the guy and his mom. For the most part, people sent pleas to not marry him. If that’s how he approaches the issue of cake, you can imagine how fast it’ll go south with other topics.
Folks online were having none of it, though, and they, for the most part, agreed that OP was not wrong
Some pointed out just how special her gift was because of all the effort she put into it, as opposed to MIL’s, which she threw cash at and that’s it. And this is what her fiance preferred?
There were some devil’s advocates, though. She could have coordinated with the mother-in-law about who’s gonna make the cake, right? Besides, she knew very well that her baking was unpopular in that house—she shouldn’t have felt surprised it went the way it did.
Most actually suggested she dump her fiance because this kind of attitude will not change
But, all in all, the flair on the post said that OP is not, in fact, the a-hole. And the post got over 20,000 bits of approval in the form of upvotes (and a handful of Reddit awards for good measure). You can see it all here.
Or you can check out any of these fine Am I The A-Hole articles we have: the one where the wife “ruined” her husband’s b-day by bolting mid-way, or the one where a guy almost became a dad but after finding out the truth had to distance himself, causing a feud in the family, or the one where a woman got kicked out of a resort by the family that bought her a vacation.
But, hey, we value your opinion. Why not voice it in the comment section below! Tell everyone about your birthday party fails. Or cake fails. Or maybe the best cake you ever had? We’ll be waiting.
What do you think ?
Iifa A. 2 years ago
F his mum, and him. You are the biggest a-hole if you continue this relationship. Dating children even if older than you should be illegal. A man who doesn't stand up to his immediate family to protect his partner is not mature enough to understand when you grow up mommy and daddy are important but your partner and child will take priority just after yourself. Then rest of family. Girl RUN! Love is not worth this drama
Amy Taylor 2 years ago
I'm in a simiar situation with my MIL with boundaries and such, but my husband has ALWAYS taken my side.
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BluEyedSeoulite 2 years ago
I'm with ESH. Mom and bf are the worst problems. OP picked the wrong time to take a stand. Usually the host is going to arrange for the birthday cake. If the host didn't ask you to bring a birthday cake, don't bring a birthday cake! OP did start the drama at the party and I get why he was upset. However, his family treats her poorly and he doesn't stick up for her, not a good person to tie yourself to
mind yours 2 years ago
leaving when you're insulted is causing drama? the bf knew ahead of time that there would be a cake there, and also knew that his gf was making one ahead of time, this was intentional and designed to gaslight this poor woman into thinking she's overreacting so she doesn't cause a fuss when she's repeatedly treated like garbage.
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ZeroCapacity 2 years ago
OP an make me a cake for my birthday I will eat every bite and smile while I do it.
mind yours 2 years ago
i have to wonder about the esh and yta people. "did you ask to bring a cake" is a dumb question when it says directly in the text that the fiance was thrilled with it. even if there was no indication she'd communicated her intent, the "oh put it over there for the children" was absolutely intended as an insult, as was every suggestion from this terrible woman that her son's gf should get plastic surgery to look better???? throw the entire family in a dumpster imo.
Metalhead Turtle 🇺🇦 2 years ago
Well said, @mind yours. OP deserves better
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Mbfsc63 2 years ago
NTA. That woman is definitely malicious. Anyone who comments on your body and has suggestions for future cosmetic surgery is malicious. Your fiancee also an AH because he knew you were baking his cake and failed to tell mummy. It is not your responsibility to inform HIS mother. He called childish for leaving the party. He is 31 and has yet to cut the cord. He will likely never back you up regarding his mother's totally disrespectful behaviour towards you. Call off the engagement because it will never get better.......
Bernadette Medina 2 years ago
I'm the mother of four sons. I'm not the kind to think that my sons are too good for anyone. But I would like them to find someone that they can be happy with. What makes this woman think that any woman is not good enough for her sons obviously she got married and she had three sons from this man. So what made her good enough to marry someone's son. I would tell him he's going to be alone forever because his mother will always think there's nobody good enough for him. And someone needs to tell her that she married someone's son so she needs to step back and let her sons be happy too. Whoever married her I feel sorry for her husband. Obviously she's a snob and she didn't deserve to marry anyone else's son.
Bored Retsuko 2 years ago
I always skip to the bits that seem directly quoted.
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Barbara Cass 2 years ago
NTA Be good to yourself and get out of that relationship. He is never going to put you first.
Kimberly Wiltshire 2 years ago
Pick up your skirts and run. That is emotional abuse on both their parts. It's only going to increase when your married. Who gives a flying how much she spent you put the actual effort into making a cake. Nope get out while you can. Of he cant stand up to his mom when she is in the wrong and being abusive towards you he has no integrity. Red flag!
Marilyn Russell 2 years ago
Well, not sure if the MIL-to-be knew she was bringing a cake in the first place as usually the host(ess) would be the cake provider, unless discussed otherwise beforehand. That being said, you do not want to marry into that family, trust me. You think your life is miserable now? It can and will only get worse. The fiancé will always (hard underscore) take their side and expect you to capitulate.
Seabeast 2 years ago
The fiance knew. He could have told his mother to not buy a cake.
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Lyn Moffett 2 years ago
RUN. Run fast and run far. This will only get worse. I know from experience.
Lizzie Lola 2 years ago
I'm a cake artist, it takes HOURS to make a cake. (That's part of why they're so expensive, btw!) This was beyond the pale, he's NEVER gonna be on her side or stand up to mom. If she's ok with that, that's her choice, if it was me, I'd Nope! out of that whole family.
Patricia Robertsp 2 years ago
I’d ditch the guy, get a nice pet, and bake something for it. This guy isn’t worth your time.
Julian Scherner 2 years ago
Mama's boy needs to grow up and get of her tit, and you honey need a real man.
Amber Hemerick 2 years ago
I'm a little mixed on this... If MIL bought a cake after you specifically said you were bringing it, then NTA for sure. However, that isn't mentioned, so I'm wondering if there was not a discussion, in which case, you are a bit at fault. That being said, the fact she is constantly belittling is not okay. Ben should defend you. If he doesn't see the problem, you should get out. It's only going to get worse. You'll always be treated this way if he allows his family to do this. Find someone who will treat you right.
Robin Gray 2 years ago
Your disrespectful of me well Honey that's a two way street. I'd dropped it on her head and waltz out the door. The nerve of suggesting plastic surgery, she's a nasty b***h and should be treated as such. Tell your fiance to grow a pair, cause she'll run the show for as long as you let it.
Leslie Harlow Gries 2 years ago
The MIL has already over stepped by hosting the party. Either you should have had 2 parties, hers for family and yours for friends or she should have talked to you about the cake, imho. This is never going to happen. RUN!
Brandy Kratz 2 years ago
I think people are missing the fact that the op told her boyfriend that she was making him a cake for the party. So he would have told the mother this as well. Op didn't just decide to bake him a cake out of the blue. She even mentions that NO ONE in his family will eat any of the sweets she makes. That makes wonder if FMIL has told the family that she cannot cook and the food isn't good. But Un all reality here this whole situation goes beyond the cake and his birthday. He should have handled his mother a long time ago. She is very rude and disrespectful to the op. I'm a mother of 4 boys. I would never treat any woman who is possibly going to marry one of my sons in that manner. Boyfriend needs to grow a pair and stick up for his gf/fiance. She is NTA and seriously needs to rethink if she wants to spend the rest of her life with a spineless person like him. And trust and believe FMIL knew op was making him a cake.
kit kat 2 years ago
You're assuming her bf told his mom about the cake, he may not have
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James Tyre 2 years ago
Marrying into a family diamic like this one will only lead to years of heart ache. The cake is only a sign of things to come. He will never side with you over his mother. And to her you will never be good enough.
- 2 years ago (edited)
"she doesn't really mean to be malicious" - C'mon, the FMIL suggests cosmetic surgery and the fiance tells her to pretend it doesn't hurt. My family isn't the most functional (some very nice members and others not so much). Trying to see things through my husband's eyes has opened mine. A little empathy goes a long way and I don't see any on this man's part.
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kath morgan 2 years ago
Let the kids have it? Absolute sow, talking about something homemade like a second rate cake. What’s wrong with “sweet, now we have two! The more cake the better!”
Craig Becker 2 years ago
ITEM: “I decided to bake him his birthday cake and he was thrilled it” -> implies that Ben knew she was making a cake. He didn’t mention this to his Mom? ITEM: Why not have two cakes? ITEM: Mom could have treated both cakes as equal, but she just *had* to slag OP’s cake. ITEM: OP is partly to blame: she had to be aware that this could be a problem. ITEM: In many relationships, when the guy chooses the GF over the Mom, that’s a sign that he’s ready for marriage. Ben is not ready for marriage.
gie 2 years ago (edited)
OP has already established that the FMIL has established that FMIL has made negative comments about OP's body, suggesting plastic surgery & clearly her fiance has a , "My son does no wrong" mom. RUN. The relationship has already soured and all interactions OP has towards her FMIL will be reactive, and the resentment between fiance and OP will grow bigger as time goes by. Who cares about cakes, it's about respect and FMIL is molding you into the enemy, and if you don't see it now, she meticulously turning her son, and the family against you. FMIL will play favourite/backstab mond-games among the children-in-laws. If that doesn't convince OP, the bottomlime is OP will could turn into her FMIL bc the amount of complaining, planning, and unhappiness this will bring into OP's life. Even Superman isn't made of enough steel for this bs.
wellwisher 2 years ago
His mother considers herself to be the matriarch of the family as well as the family martyr too. You'll never compare or out do her. Your coffee, will never be as good had her coffee. If you stay, get used to it. Oh, you'll never be the mother she is either. I would not have been home when he finally returned at 11 pm. I would have been having a drink somewhere with friends. If you stay suck it up buttercup.
Shayla Katherina 2 years ago (edited)
I've showed up to functions with the in-laws and we've had multiple cakes that everyone sampled from. I don't get why there only needed to be one cake. That being said, OP's fiance needs to start standing up for her if he wants to marry her. Right now he's complicit that his future wife is being treated poorly by his family. When he marries her, OP should come first and certainly shouldn't feel like her own husband never has her back. They either need some serious premarital counseling or OP needs to decide whether this is worth dealing with for years to come.
Pamela Hicks 2 years ago
Op is a fool is she stays with this total loser of a fiance and his despicable mother. Neither of them respect her. She deserves a whole lot better.
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m rich 2 years ago
She brought a cake without telling the host knowing full well nobody liked her cakes. End it right there
Marsha Putnam 2 years ago
But her bf knew she was making a special cake for him. He should have informed his mother. Store bought cake could have gone to the kids or in the freezer. Why does his family not eat her cakes? Is it because they don’t like them-or-is it another ploy by his family to denigrate her? I opt for the latter. IMO, the OP needs to let her bf continue his relationship with mommy while she packs and gets out of Dodge. This is a toxic relationship that will not be overcome. Mommy will always be #1 in his life. They will take over and control the marriage, especially any children. Run, OP, run!!!!
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Sylvia Roberts 2 years ago
I can tell you from experience this mil will ruin every celebration you two will have in the future. Every Christmas, Easter, future children's birthdays, Chtistining etc. You will never measure up. As the saying goes, throw him back. There are lots of fish in the sea.
Patricia Asher 2 years ago
Just one suggestion: Bye Bye Ben! Mama is always going to be #1, and Mama knows it. She is going to rub it in your face every chance she gets. He's a Mama's boy in the absolute worst way, and he isn't going to change.
Mad McQueen 2 years ago
Ntah because he should have said "we can have two cakes because she made this special for me or I can leave with her and enjoy it together. And mom stop being a b***h. " He will never stand up for you. He's a mommas boy. Move on. Not worth his drama mama and the family if they Belittle you for being hurt and no one stood up for your effort. Hope the cake tasted good and you didn't give him any and are packing up to leave.
Jack Ranger 2 years ago
Can there ever be too much cake at a birthday party? I think not. The future MIL should have put the finance's cake right next to the store bought cake. Obviously there needed to be better communication about the cake. It seemed to me future MIL had already taken over hosting the party. Incredibly rude about the cake. Bottom line is she rules her family with an iron fist. That's not going to change until her sons put a stop to it. No woman should marry into that family. You'll always be the third wheel, diminished, disregarded and asked to take a back seat. Back to the baking. If OP is known for her baking it must be pretty good. For his family to show no interest in what she baked makes me think the future MIL has laid down the law about that as well. If so, what a petty, insecure, control freak.
Spring Young 2 years ago
It's his mom hosting his party ..yeah she would get a cake!! You didn't tell her you were before the party and expected her to not have her son a cake at a party she hosted ?? That's childish yes very and ignorant! Now him saying nothing should show what marriage will be but fairly you are not his wife yet ! And you left with a cake nobody was going to eat which you knew and pitched a fit like a child over her providing her son a cake at his party she hosted that again she didn't know about your cake smh no you were wrong! And the disrespect to his mom was you walking out the party like a child ....at least was saying let kids eat it ..she was host it's her son of course would buy the cake ..why did you assume wouldn't be a cake? Sounds like drama you intended on
Miah Shawn 2 years ago
If you think Op is the problem in all of this, I feel sorry for anyone who has to be around you. You sound almost as much of a garbage person as her FMIL
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WhiteCalla 2 years ago
Not the a*****e. That mom is a dumbass just like his son. However the OP shouldn have discussed about the cake before hand. Anyways, if I was in the moms place, I would simply thank you for bringing the cake, put them side by side, and eat both. It was that simple.
Tasos Papadopoulos 2 years ago
NTA. She already mentioned her fiance was thrilled with the cake before the event so it's on him for not notifying his mother that the cake was already arranged. So yeah, as other have already suggested you need to have a long talk with him and his priorities.
Igor Campelo 2 years ago
A good rule of thumb is: don't bring a birthday cake of someone else is hosting the party, unless you're asked to do it. That said, both had utterly childish responses
Pecho Muh 2 years ago
I don't see her mentioning that she'd let the MIL know that she's bringing a cake. Sounds like a miscommunication issue, and I don't think that part is MIL's fault. Normally my opinion is aligned with most people's when I read these posts but this time I think the woman was not right and I bet some of the major issues between them two are her fault.... and even if I'm wrong for all of it, all the comments to leave the husband immediately over something like this!! Omg people put yourselves in her shoes, do you think this is reasonable....
Jack Ranger 2 years ago
They aren't married yet. They never should be if he's not going to have her back.
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Hoodoo 2 years ago (edited)
FMIL is an emotional abuser who's likely been doin this sort o' dirt a long while because the hubs & sons have permitted it. OP has 3 options IMO- accept it, change it, or eliminate it. She cannot change her partner. She cannot change the rottweiler FMIL. She'll either need to accept the dynamic by tolerating it or eliminate it by gettin out o' her relationship. When you stay yoked to an a*****e, who's really the a*s? I see pain in OP's future.
Lisa Egan 2 years ago
NTA, but you should've known how this was going to play out because of how FMIL has acted. It wasn't going to end well. Fiance is DEFINITELY AH for thinking he can tell his future wife to deal with his mother BS. Coming from someone that was in an abusive marriage, I can only tell you this is going to get worse if you stay. Run as fast as you can away from him & his mother
Joey Lee 2 years ago (edited)
I might have misread but didn't GF say she'd previously stopped bringing homemade cakes when she realized mom provides them? And when mom said she'll provide the cake why did GF bring one? So make him a special cake for their own private celebration at home. She's going to have a lot harder problems to solve in marriage. That's not even a hard one. If she had simply modified her behavior and adjusted her attitude she would not have needed to be a jerk and ruined the b-day celebration. But I'm speaking from 29 yrs of marriage experience in the trenches!
Heather Beauvais 2 years ago
I'm unable to make a decision on this particular post, without knowing if the future MIL knew she was making a cake. That makes a huge difference. Also for the people commenting about the family not liking her baking, she states clearly they won't try her baking. As for the mental and emotional abuse she's receiving about her looks and body, she should have taken that as a sign to get out. Her fiance is a coward he is not a partner.
Pat Kinman 2 years ago
Had Ben a truly loving, respectful, and appreciative fiancé he should have jumped in and suggested both be available. His shining moment would have been completely finishing (and obviously enjoying it) his future’s brides cake that was made with her time, effort, love and adoration. After enjoying her gift of love (not pocketbook to buy a cake) one would hope he would have enthusiastically thanked her and praised her. After a welcome glass of water have a slice of the bakery cake. Sounds like he’s in fear his mom and upsetting her at the cost of his fiancé.
Mathieu Brouwers 2 years ago
No one can choose his or her family, but choose your in-laws carefully.
Miah Shawn 2 years ago
People are talking about how Op didn't directly tell her MIL about the cake (she told her fiance but he never spoke to his mother about it apparently), but what I'm more focused on is the absolute lack of respect she's expected to put up with aside from the cake situation. What gives his shrew of a mother the right to tell ANYONE that they need cosmetic f#ucking surgery? Who even says stuff like that? "She means nothing malicious by it" MY LEFT NUT! Smfh I hope she doeant marry this man. Imagine when they start planning the wedding, do you think MIL is going to be civil? God forbid OP have to deal with MIL in the event that she gets pregnant, that stress will give her and the baby a heart attack. How can her fiance just let his future wife get talked down to like that? It's disgusting.
Marianne 2 years ago (edited)
Why is it that a birthday has to have *one* specific cake? Where I live, it is quite common that several people bring cakes and you can have as many as your stomach can hold. I have always made a cake for my husband's birthday and so has his mum. The people in this story clearly have multiple problems, but too much cake isn't one of them...
kit kat 2 years ago
Ugh...did you tell the MIL you were going to bake his cake? No where in post does it say you had an agreement you would bring a cake. It's normally a host that does that unless talked about beforehand. Also, you say you don't bring baked goods to her house anymore because they won't eat it and then go ahead and bake again? Everyone sounds stupid in this tbh
P.A.B. 2 years ago (edited)
Hey, Studoku and all the others who are shi*ting your pants because she brought a cake: Ben knew she was bringing the cake and agreed enthusiastically to it. He also knows his mother and could have informed her in advance or even told his girl, no, please don’t. Ben and his mother are both AHs. 😑
Penny Lost 2 years ago
It's time to say goodbye to Ben, don't you think, OP? He and his mommy seem quite happy together, let it stay that way.
Kate Mackenzie 2 years ago
Lots of AH here. When one is going to a hosted birthday party, WHY assume the host won't have a cake. MIL to be wasn't very tactful, but if kids were in a different area, I could relate to sending them their own cake. Boyfriendcwas not wrong. She was rude and entitled and ridiculous going to a party with a cake and not clearing it with the host. I also don't understand why she would bother with her unappreciated dessert offerings. Just relax and go to the dang party and be nice to people. She was begging for drama with that AH move.
Brenda Pereira 2 years ago
I'm sorry, but unless you made a prior agreement with the mom, you are the AHOLE. It is assumed that whoever hosts the party is responsible for the cake. You don't say if you and the MIL had talked about you bringing the cake instead or not. If you did, then NTA, but if not, TA. Sorry, but someone had to say it.
Piper Ryder 2 years ago
Y'all she said that she said that her boyfriend KNEW SHE WAS MAKING A CAKE, it's not like she brought it out of the blue
Abbella DiNoto 2 years ago (edited)
Honestly, you stated 1. they won’t eat your baked goods and 2. the mom is the hostess it’s her job to provide cake if you are not asked to bring anything then don’t! Clearly not wanted. Yes he is a clear momma’s boy. Yes, she is a monster in law! But are you any better,? No! you are a drama queen! You literally continue to do the same thing over/over somehow expecting different results. He won’t chose you. And since you agreed to marry him knowing this, you are the very definition of insane! Either accept your new crazy life, or leave him find another who appreciates you and chooses you! But first choose yourself. Have some self respect. Don’t be a drama queen either. You literally continue to create drama knowing what the results will be. Just stop or leave!
Monique Dube 2 years ago
She knew they wouldn't eat it. They never ate her baking before why would they start now. Why did she bring her cake to the party, his mother was putting on? . Did she ask for the cake? No. so assuming then throwing a fit. Ya girl you wrong.
Will I Will-Ham 2 years ago
I understand the yta comments. The host is responsible for the cake and op should expect that there is already one. Yes there is some bad vibes between op and mil comming from mil. But imo it was an overreaction to a self made situation. The best advices came from the nta fraction: LEAVE.
Paul Godly 2 years ago
Ok, I have to say this, A.This could have been easily handled by smashing mom's cake. B. Why didn't she smash the cake, I mean, if were gonna be childish and get mad over cakes, might as well go 100, and smash mom's cake, f**k her, But seriously, if you saw that, I woulda done this, I woulda took the cake I made home, and THEN, presented him with it, when he is alone, so he can judge and apriciate it humself
Suzanne Giglio 2 years ago
My first husband was a mammas boy. Run, don’t walk. Do not marry this guy. His mother comes first and always will.
Mary Bell 2 years ago
Drop him asap. If he takes his mothers side and doesn’t even attempt to stand up for you it is a harbinger of what’s to come. My now ex husband moved our wedding date without talking to me first. I married him anyway. Every year for vacation we had to visit his family in another state. Every holiday was spent with his family. From someone who’s been there, RUN! You deserve way more than what he’s going to give or want to give you!
Jrose Roseyrose 2 years ago
Walked away from my family and life is sooooooooooooo much better. You need to take care of you ESPECIALLY if others aren't.
Robin Fox 2 years ago
Here’s the thing. You made it about you!!! Did you make it better or make it worse. You added drama. Leaving with your cake made you look like a drama Queen. Imagine if you asked your fiancée to have his moms and then please say to the room how sweet it was that you too made a cake. Later another time you could have spoken with him. It was his day and his mom and you made yourself look bad. Time to reevaluate if this relationship is right for you. But always try and get out of righteousness indignation. Be the bigger person. If you love him you need to see how you let her make you ruin his day.
Michelle C 2 years ago
I'm leaning more towards ESH...Why? Because I don't get why the hell would you have brought over a cake when you say in the 2nd paragraph that when you bring stuff you make they make every excuse not to eat it...so you practically went over there KNOWING that this would happen and you knew you were going to walk out. It's wasn't your first rodeo here... You should've baked your cake and left it for you two to enjoy at home and go to his mom's house to have a slice of souless cake and suck it up. I believe that you thought that after all the effort you put in that either a). His mother would be civil; or b). for once your man would have your back. That is a very tricky game to play with over bearing mothers and sons. Seeing that you knew this and decided to get engaged anyway, just accept this fact and remember that MILs don't live forever.
Deborah B 2 years ago
Bringing a surprise cake to a Birthday Party hosted by someone else is rude. It carries an implicit message of disrespect to the hostess "You won't provide cake, or my cake will be better." If you want to provide the cake, you ask. The mom shut you down, as she had every right to, and you got all bitchy about it, and stormed off with your unwelcome cake. You then expected your BF to leave his own party with all his friends and family, to placate you. He didn't. You may have baked your cake with love, but mom arranged the party, which also takes effort, and everyone attending was commiting time and effort to do so. BF leaving would have been disrespectful to all of them. Mom was undiplomatic, boyfriend was in an untenable situation, and you were an a*****e. Apologise to both of them. Accept that you may not be as good a cook as you think, and that BF has other people in his life he values and loves, despite their flaws, and he doesn't have to take your side when you are in the wrong.
Vladimíra Matejová 2 years ago
they are all AH. Mil for how she treats Op in general ( suggesting a plastic surgery really? i wouldnt say something like that even to orcs). BF for not mentioning to his mom OP is baking and for not having OP's back in general. OP for bringing a b-day cake to a party she is not hosting and to ppl who obviously dont like her baking ( why though? is it so disgusting?). i think OP sees complots even when there are noone because of the hatred bwtween her and tge MIL. Mil obviouslyuses every chance to belittle and insult her and bf is either blind or doesnt care. something needs to change in the relations here
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Ivanka van der Reest 2 years ago (edited)
This is such a toxic situation. If this guy really wants to marry OP he should start taking her feelings into consideration and instead of defending the ugly behavior of his family, begin to defend his fiance instead and tell his mom to stop bullying his soon to be wife. OP is going to end up miserable if she marries this guy. Any woman would end up miserable. It's one thing if a woman and her family in-law can't get along. It's another thing on its own if the husband always defends his family and make his woman feel bad for getting upset when she's the victim. The fact that she even feels the need to ask whether or not she's the a*****e says enough. A victim of bullying shouldn't even have to ask. This is a family of narcissists and her fiance is one too. Because only narcissists can bully you like that and make you feel that you're the bad one, that you're being ridiculous, over emotional or even that it's your fault. That's what a narcissist does. If this was me I'd cancel the engagement. Hell, I might not even have accepted a proposal at all and broken off the relationship the moment I began to notice the in-laws treat me bad and he defends them instead of me no matter how much in love I would feel. I've been with a red flag guy before and it broke me completely. Once I broke out of that situation I said never again no matter how in love I am will I overlook red flags. I'd rather break my own heart breaking up (some good friends and chocolate ice cream to soften the pain) than breaking my life and sacrifice my mental health and self worth for a guy like that.
Scott Wilkinson 2 years ago
It sounds like he was at the party first, why in the hell did he not call to warn her? I would be hurt too. If he would have warned her, she could have placed it in the fridge and they could have had it for breakfast. He is not the type of person you need to be with. My EMIL always had to host the major holiday parties. We had to go to her house and have Thanksgiving and Christmas. One year I made Thanksgiving dinner and my in-laws didn't show up until after the food was cold, stuffed because they had a dinner earlier. I made tons of food for everyone and you can imagine all the leftovers. The difference is my husband at the time did stand up for me and that was the last dinner I went to with his family. OP needs to either lose her self respect or place an ultimatum.
Dave Hinckley 2 years ago
Need more details. Did OP tell mil she was making a cake? If she knew his family doesn't eat what she bakes, she should have given him the cake at home and avoided the drama.
Munnin 2 years ago
If I knew people didn't like my baking I sure as hell wouldn't bring a cake I made to a party they were throwing. Is this FMIL rude? Yes, but showing up with the cake when you know no one likes your baking makes you a moron. Ben and his mom are definitely problems, and she needs to really think about this relationship. Most people commenting sound as though they believe she's a good baker. There's a 50-50 chance that she isn't. I work with plenty of people who can't bake or cook but still insist on inflicting their culinary disasters on us. They assume that because their spouse, kids, or family tolerate it that it must be tasty. If NO ONE eats her baking, she's probably not good at it. She even says that Ben "eats what I make"; not a ringing endorsement. I'm a really good cook and baker (horrible at decorating) but there are people who don't like some of my things, so I don't expect them to eat it and I don't get mad. She needs to accept that part. And rethink the relationship.
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Doug Murphy 2 years ago
Dump Ben, he's dependent on his mother, and, apparently an a$$hole to boot.
Sam Baize 2 years ago
My immediate reaction was to say that she was NTA, but a big part of that was my assumption that the FMIL was already informed that she would be bringing the cake and decided to one-up her. If OP never informed FMIL, who WAS hosting the party, that she and her fiance had decided together and agreed that she would be making the cake, then I hate to say it, but this would be an immediate YTA. Either way, despite the logistics of this particular event and what did or didn't happen, one thing is definitely for sure – this is not the family, and by extension, the man, she wants to commit her life to. Maybe this isn't the straw that breaks the camel's back moment, but the signs are all there that none of this will ever realistically change. If not now, then it's only a matter of time. Maybe next argument. Maybe by Christmas. Or maybe not for another 10 years. It's going to happen. She's young (25), unmarried and without kids. If ever were a time to leave, it's now.
Monique Williams 2 years ago
No it's a s******* and You're the star..... Run nothing you can do or say is going to change the fact your fiancee and his mom are CREEPY
P B Wilson 2 years ago
My reaction would have been different. I would use my forearm to cut her taken two, going on both sides of the counter, then place mine where hers was. When he got home at 11:00 would have told him I'm tired at him and his family and left.
Laura Roberson 2 years ago
The mother-in-law's comment was not nice, however, no one should ever bring a birthday cake to a birthday party without asking the hostess first. The fiance should have asked the mother-in-law what she could bring, or at least offer to bring the cake. It could have been settled by communication.
Kristina H.N. 2 years ago
Apparently nobody, including you, heard about the possibility of having 2 cakes at a birthday, without belittling the cake.
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Shannon Smith 2 years ago
It seems the birthday party was planned by his mother. She made all the arrangements and ordered a cake.. How could she have known the girlfriend was bringing a cake? The girlfriend should have mentioned this to her. She got upset and caused drama?!! He should leave her.
Kristina H.N. 2 years ago
There can't be 2 cakes at a party? Mothers should just say "your stuff is s**t, let kids eat that and we will eat professional cake"? She should leave him, he can marry his mother.
Load More Replies... Bob Scott 2 years ago
Completely with OP on this one, but I’m against the commenters. It’s not our place to tell her to leave her fiancé, especially because we don’t actually know him. We just heard the one time where he was clearly in the wrong
Mary Rogers 2 years ago
Not just one time. He also defended his mother on other occasions when she put OP down.
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Zachary Davidson 2 years ago
This is OP fault. The FMIL is a controlling b***h and dislikes her. The boy is weak and easily controlled by his mother. She should have learned this from prior interaction and moved on. She will likely still marry this dbag and by extension his mother. I do hope she gets away from these 2 though. Best of luck
TZ Carroll 2 years ago
NTA Mommas boys will always be mammas boys. Run like hell and don't look back.
Dina Hinckley 2 years ago
Run, run as fast as you can from Ben. He has not cut the apron ties and is definitely not ready for marriage. His whole family sounds toxic.
Jacobbmain 2 years ago
I have been in situations like that and you know what I'm happy to no longer be with people like that. My mom is like that and i defend my partner because i know what it's like. If he doesn't have the balls to be a man, and see how this hurts you, leave.
Not_Tellin 2 years ago
What is wrong with you? You are with a guy who, basically, says, "f**k your feelings, my mommy can say whatever she wants, no matter how insulting. And you BETTER learn to live with it".... What is wrong with you?
Re dacted (Ace) 8 months ago
I don't understand why people put up with partners like this. You think you marrying them is going to change anything? He's a mama's boy. Leave already.
Laura Annsmith 9 months ago
YOU are not the a*****e, your husband is a massive one, and so is your MIL. Your man boy husband enables his mother, and allows, yes ALLOWS her to disrespect you. My final act to that toxic MIL would have been the cake in her face, and telling her that you are going zero contact, and she will not ever have contact with any future children, PERIOD!! Block her number, and anyone else who tells you that you are in the wrong!
Rose 1 year ago
YTA, did you check about the cake or did you just take it on yourself to make it, from the sound of the post you did the later. If so then you made tge cake without checking and therefore opened yourself to being the second cake. Your bf is a bit weak in tge spine for not standing up to hus mother for tge way she talks to you and she sounds like she has issues letting go of her boys, but honestly your coming across as a bit entitled this time. The adult yhing to do was say, ok ill put it in the fridge and take it home after so he can have it for work tomorrow. Stayed and so your a mature adult. Temper tantrums are only going to prove mum right.
Alex Callesen 2 years ago
Future Mother in law from hell what a control freak! Is that what you really want to be stuck with? Sounds like he’ll never grow up he’s a Mummy’s boy! If you marry him you’ll be marrying his Mother as well 😩
Jaybird3939 2 years ago
Are any of the other boys married? If not, that's another huge Red Flag. I've had really good relationships with BF moms. I can't imagine having a b*tch like that overseeing my whole marriage!
Mary Jaye 2 years ago
only you know if you overreacted but if you marry him ever this is his Mom and there will be may more important things to worry about in the future. and it would be prudent to bite your tongue and worry about what you and your husband do than his Mom. it was probably not a good idea. it seems silly to me too. you and him are not off to a good start.
AspieGirl88 2 years ago (edited)
He’s legit gonna let his mother say horrible things to the “love of his life” & then insult her cake that was baked with love, with the MIL basically saying “My son’s not having that for his B-day; just give it to the kids, as this store-bought cake is a million times better than anything you made” … & her fiancé (apparently “thrilled” with her cake, before they got to his mother’s house) just allows his mother to belittle & humiliate her like that?? She had EVERY right to walk away from that toxicity! Also, since SHE bought the ingredients, poured her heart & soul into that cake & did it ALL herself; she absolutely had the right to take it, regardless of who she was making it for! If her fiancé has the nerve to defend his mother’s hostility towards his fiancée, that’s a marriage guaranteed to fail (& he’ll probably allow his mother to arrange the wedding to HER tastes rather than the bride’s). I hope to god she breaks off the engagement. She deserves SO much better than that & neither her “fiancé” nor her MIL are ever going to change. 😕🤷♀️
Kathleen S. 2 years ago
Dump this guy and his family AS FAST AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN! I can assure you it won't get better, and if he doesn't have the gonads to stand up to her, then he is not worthy of a woman of your caliber!
Pamela Hicks 2 years ago
Life is going to be a living Hell if this woman marries that imbecilic man. His mother is ALWAYS GOING TO BE MORE IMPORTANT THAN SHE IS!!! Please run as far away from this loser and his mother as possible. She's openly disrespectful to you and he agrees with monster mommy dearest. Your life and the life of your children will be controlled and criticized by his horrifically reprehensible and deplorable mother. She doesn't give a damn about you and neither does her "baby" son. Find joy, love, peace, and happiness with someone that values you and deeply loves you and whose parents care about you and respect you. Kick the trash you're engaged to to the curb. Good riddance to bad rubbish, especially his detestable mother.
Leslie Cleary 2 years ago
I"m sorry to say but what a b***h, and I'm speaking about the mother-in-law. NONE of our gf's (highlighted person in the story) feelings were taken into account, her participation in the event was basically dismissed, and all her hard work was ignored...! Like someone above mentioned, forget about a relationship with that guy because he"s already married...to his Mom!!
Veronica fiedzuik 2 years ago
I have zero tolerance for people who simply do not know how to act. In the case of this mother she is obviously selfish, ungracious, and too worried about her own sense of importance. People like this need to be told that they're rude, classless, and have no idea how to even act like a supposed lady. A lady goes out of her way to make people in her home feel welcomed. She needs to be told this to her face. Unfortunately most people simply don't have the guts to do so. This is usually not out of cowardness, but out of their own sense of propriety, and what is considered acceptable behavior in social situations. I hung up that shackle long ago. I would put that woman in her place quicker than she could argue back, and I wouldn't feel wrong about it in the least. These types of people rather they're men or woman need to be told exactly what they are. Personally I grew tired of being the bigger person. Tell her what you think of her and don't even flinch because "right" is on your side
bill marsano 2 years ago
Yes, YATA: Ben family is hosting' typically the host provides the cake, and you already knew his family rejects your cooking. AND you apparently did NOT discuss the cake with his mother--you just blundered in and tried to upstage the host. So there's no denying YATA. On the other hand, this is the perfect opportunity to use your noggin and dump Ben PRONTO. Do NOT marry a man who puts anyone, even (or especially) his mother, before you. Maybe you'll get smart if Bored Panda offers a collection of "I Married a Mama's Boy" posts.
Karen Phillips 2 years ago
Leave him. This micro managing is not going to get better. He's a momma's boy and she has the cards. You'll never win. She'll always put you down and will treat your kids like a dirty secret that their family doesn't need to know about. My dad did it to my mom. While he physically abused her for 30 years. Run
Katherine Dobias 2 years ago
I don't see anywhere where the girl informed the family in advance that she's bringing a cake. Did everyone already know she was bringing a cake? Did she know or was she informed that the mom was going to buy a cake anyway? It just seems like a lack of communication on all their part
Lib 2 years ago
Ben definitely should have been more supportive. Not sure he's a keeper. BUT I think OP was at fault too. Providing a birthday cake is usually the job of the person hosting. Telling Ben she was making a cake wasn't telling his mom, the hostess. Ben may have thought the cake was for a private celebration, after all. And why was the OP determined to make a cake for the family gathering anyway? She said his family doesn't like her baking and avoids eating it whenever possible. Was she trying to make them eat something that, for whatever reason, they don't like? Was she counting on the guests feeling obligated to eat it because it would be weird if nobody ate the birthday cake? Why does his entire family-- not just FMIL-- avoid her cooking? She says she's ok with that but obviously she's not if she's trying to provide THE central food item at a family gathering. Everybody was an AH but I find the OP's behavior quite odd.
Renee Evans 2 years ago
Imagine for a minute what could happen if you marry him, and have kids. His mother is gonna ruin your wedding, by making you feel like you're not even close to good enough for her son to marry. Then every birthday a child of yours will have, she'll be there, doing what she does best, talking down about you, but now it is too your own child. Don't marry him unless he can grow a thicker skin to stand up to his mother for you. Take your cake and walk away, far far away.
AnnaMarie Sewell 2 years ago
Please, this family is not a good fit. You my love your fiancee, but look at the big picture on how this family will affect you. Your health will be comprised. I was married into a similar situation. MIL said she wanted to bake a cake for my birthday and asked what I wanted. I said anything but lemon cake. She baked me a lemon cake. Even fiancee brother commented saying, I thought you didn't like lemon cake. I remained passive and forced myself to eat a small piece to not be rude. I think back of all the little things that had happened with MIL prior to marriage and I was get mad at myself for putting myself through that unhappy life. Thank God I never had children with that unsupportive man.
Kelley Baltierra 2 years ago
Judging by the comments FMIL was making even before this, the OP should have left the guy ...she sounds very passive aggressive
Pat Turner 2 years ago
If FMIL had not made comments about cosmetic surgeries(what's that about) my opinion would be different, but I don't see this being a marriage of equals. You could have sucked it up and tore into fiance,later, , or not, but I really think you could have stayed for awhile, then departed and said, I'll just take that unsatisfactory cake w/ me. But as someone said, it was a bad time to stand up. Designed to make you TAH.
Abbella DiNoto 2 years ago
she literally stated His family never eats her baked goods His mother was hosting the birthday party. It is assumed the host is providing everything, unless specifically requested to bring something. She never should have made a cake. She had to know it would create drama. She still expects fiancé will chose her over his mother. He has already proven that. So poster by definition is in fact insane. Constantly doing the same thing over again, yet somehow expecting different results. Your fiancé is a momma’s boy. You accept him as he is.. since you agreed to marry him or you leave. Period. You know who he is, you know who you are, you know who they are. If you stay and marry him, you choose to continue this craziness, the constant putting your needs aside in order to create drama. He may be a momma’s boy and she may be a monster in law, but are you any better? No? You are a drama queen. Choose you… and find another man and his family that appreciates you and the effort you provide
Jan'ese 2 years ago
Run run run…. His dismissal of his mom’s terrible behavior toward you is the biggest red flag ever! She’ll make your life miserable and your marriage hell. He’s an AH, you better see it now because his mom will surely come first. That’s a battle I would choose not to fight. You MIGHT win- eventually…. But I wouldn’t wait for him to choose me over her.
Trisha Kjellander 2 years ago
Leave n don't look back! NTA not in the least. I'm not sure I'd have held my temper as well as she did. I commend her. I dealt with one of them guys before it's not her loss either. Beautiful woman for the heart she has n put into with that cake n I'd have chosen that homemade over store bought. It's the thought that counts not the $. Mom n bf greedy selfish ppl. Don't marry the jerk or into jerkism. He doesn't care only to plz his mommy he may as well marry mom!
FuzzyThinker 2 years ago
For those who missed it... "For Ben's 31st birthday, his mom wanted to host the party. I decided to bake him his birthday cake and he was thrilled with it. I went grocery shopping, took time off work and put so much effort into making it how he likes it." OP did tell Ben she was making a cake. Not that it would have made a difference but he may not have mentioned that to Mommy Dearest. If he did that would probably have just prompted her to spend more on the cake she purchased. OP notified Ben. If he told FMIL is unknown.
Paula Butler 2 years ago
IMJS- I would’ve made my cake for him and left it at home so we could enjoy it later. My opinion because you already know how she is by the way she even talks to you. Like most of the comments here are he’s showing you that he values his mother than you. Think about the vows you will recite on your wedding day and think about his actions towards you. Do you think he will Honor his vows. The two of you will become one flesh, he will leave his mother and stick to his wife.( Bible quote) Can you honestly say he portrays that now. Have you had a conversation with him to let him know how you feel and why he doesn’t value your feelings but values him mom. Saying that’s how she is not enough. You know what you want to do. Love is blind and you’re blind. How he treats you behind closed doors is the same way in public RESPECT. This will be your life FOREVER with this mother. Put your foot down now or regret it later, His mother will be his mother. His thinking is you have to adjust to her.
Paula Butler 2 years ago
Another idea. The cake was his favorite as you said he knew about it ok when his mom made that remark I would’ve said ok sure Hey kids let’s eat cake and ate his cake in front of him with the kids. Childish maybe but that’s what she said. Especially if it was chocolate most kids like chocolate cake. Sarcastic on my part maybe. LOL but no drama. Could he have said Mom there’s nothing wrong with me having 2 cakes It is My Birthday. IMJS. If he wants you to please her then you’ll have to play her game.
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Sharon Waites 2 years ago
She had every right to do what she did. The level of disrespect is more than I could have taken. If it had only been that one episode that would be different. But the MIL doesn’t value the the fiancé. If the Son can’t step up to his mother he isn’t ready to have a wife even at 30! I know that MIL’s type, just like my SIL. Nothing I do is good enough. She now doesn’t speak to me because someone told her I said bad things about her. Well she & her husband were the only two people at our wedding. I offered to take her shopping and get her a nice dress. But no she could take the time. But she could take the time to go to England to visit people she met on line! So I said I was pissed because it was my day (wedding day) and she wore old jeans and a white t-shirt. I got breast cancer and was lucky enough to get better. Her husband got cancer and died. We went over to the house the afternoon he passed she said I wasn’t welcomed it wasn’t my day! What a total b***h!
Ashleigh-Necol Nichelle 2 years ago
The way I feel about it because my mother in law is the same. She has actually tried to split us up. If he wont stand up to her. Leave him. They knew you was bringing a cake. For him and his birthday not the kids section! Hes always going to cater to mommy. So if he cant pop the t***y out of his mouth and man up then he doesnt deserve you. You shouldnt have to roll with the punches and get thick skin. And you shouldnt have had to stay after the effort you put into doing his cake. I promise you it will only get worse from here. Get out while you can girl!!
Janice Parks 2 years ago
Telling him you were planning to make a surprise cake to take to the party is not the same as telling MIL. He, apparently, didn’t tell her. She seems like a really really rude person. It would be better to not marry into that family.
Michael Olivero 2 years ago
Everyone's a A hole, and here's why. Mom takes the cake for rude behavior. The cake incident aside, her attitude and behavior toward someone her child is engaged to is appalling. Does she treat all her son's partners like this? Still, she is Hosting the party and the cake is her responsibility unless otherwise arranged. Plus the OP said she stopped bringing baked goods because no one ate them, so it's known behavior, not a surprise, and it makes the whole family a bunch of A holes unless her baking is really bad. The BF is the Biggest A hole for not supporting her over Mom. Not just about the cake but Everything . Lose him fast. The icing on the cake is the OP putting up with it for so long and losing it when things go exactly as expected given the history. Could've kept the cake for a private celebration but really, he's REALLY not worth the effort
Gloria Campbell 2 years ago
I read what you said. I think you need to conquer your fears. Sit down with mum, let her know how you feel about the comments she made towards you. You will never find a perfect family.You have a choice to make. Mum is testing you out. To see how you really are. Mum is so use to doing everything for her boys. That's why you need to talk with mum. If you really love Ben. About the cake it's okay to bake one for Ben. But leave it at home next time. Mum was planning the party in the first place. Next time communicating with mum will be helpful. Pray about it first. Family is so special and love. Don't take it to the news first. Keep family affairs to your selves. Communicating is important first take it to them first. Every family is different learned from each other,apologizing, forgiveness, embracing love towards each other. Mum will learn just like you willing to accept each other.
Gloria Campbell 2 years ago
I read everything. I think the mom loves her boys so much. The mom is so use to doing everything for them. You will never find a perfect family. You will need to decide what you want to do. Do you love Ben. Try to talk with mum. Just you and mum. Let mum know how you feel. Believe me communicating is better than not doing anything. I think mum is testing you out. To see how you are really. You will feel better to talk to mum. Mum said she was doing the party for him already, cake included. If you wanted to bake one. Next time check with mum first. I don't think she would mind. But if she does just leave the one that you baked for Ben at home. It's okay. Everyone family is different. Love is very special. We need to come together in love. I hope that you talk with mum work things out. I will be praying for you and your family. You will know what to do.
Jus 2 years ago
MIL may be a witch, but you absolutely don't bring a cake to a party someone hosts without consulting it first. She ruined it for the MIL this time, had no right to expect anything else. She should have baked for the boyfriend at home, thrown a party for their friends. In this situation she's the AH.
Noturmomma 2 years ago
YTA, If someone else is throwing a birthday party and they didn't ask you to bring a cake, then don't. Expect that they already have one.
Marjay Archer 2 years ago
I married a mama's boy. She tried to get between us but I wasn't going to let that happen. I solved it by making mine and MIL's issues between her and I and kicked hubby out of the middle of it. Her and I had a HUGE fight right after Thanksgiving one year. I called her and let her know, that though I appreciated her gesture I really wish she would stay out of my hubby's and my life. I then turned on my hubby and reminded him that he needed to stay out of the fight. That she was his mom, would always be his mom, and he needed to respect her and continue to visit/call her. BUT, he also needed to respect me and not accept her bad mouthing me to him. By Christmas she called me and apologized to me and asked me to please show for Christmas. Our relationship got better after that. She needed to know that I was not taking her "baby" away from her and that I had his best interest at heart. Next time save your cake for a "private" celebration.
Kat Martindale 2 years ago
Do I think the OP was AH? No, not at all. This may just the straw that breaks the camel's back in the relationship. Boyfriend knew she was going to make him a cake. He knew she was taking time to make a special cake for him, taking time out of her daily life to make it just the way he likes it. He let her know that he was thrilled about it. When they got to the party, mommy had a store bought cake, that she paid $XXX amount of money for. Not saying that cake wasn't good but it was made by someone else as a business, not a fiancée's labor of love. This is where the Boyfriend screwed up. Mommy dismissed the homemade cake as not good enough for the adults, just let the kids have it. A good prospective husband would have stood up for his future bride, saying "she made this special for me. I'll have a piece of both or we can take it home to enjoy later." He's not ready to be a husband. He's still trying to please his mommy. It's not just the cake. It's all the other times.
Winnie Brogan Wiggins 2 years ago
I read it a little differently. Yes, the mother said she would host the party. And I have a feeling that if the OP said SHE was going to host the party, this mother would have made her precious son attend the party SHE arranged anyway. Anyway, from the way I read this, it sounded as if both the mother and the OP had discussed the party. The mom said she'd host it & the fiancée said she'd make the cake. So, the mother KNEW that there was going to be a cake for the party. She just wanted to do yet another thing to show her uncouthness and rudeness to this young lady. To me, it sounds as if this fiancé is completely spoiled by his mother! Just another Momma's Boy. And Momma can do no wrong...ever!
Minnie Luedtke 2 years ago
Tha MIL sounds like a nightmare. I would have walked out with the cake I made and I would have called all my girlfriends over to my house to help me eat it while celebrating being single.
Jennifer Lee 2 years ago
The family never eats ANYTHING she cooks... this makes me wonder if she's kind of a trαshy person with a dirty kitchen. I've known people that I would never trust with food. We are missing some details here.
Lily Mae Kitty 2 years ago
ESH. why in the world would she bake a cake and bring it if she wasn't asked to? She's not hosting this party, the mom is. The host gets to pick the menu and if they don't ask you to bring something, you do not bring a food item and expect it to be eaten at the event. This is basic etiquette. The mom is an insulting jerk and the guy is a mama's boy. She should run and he can stay with his mom.
Hobby Hopper 2 years ago
On the surface, this seems like a NTA type of situation, but I have a feeling there could be a lot more to it than we know, and we're only getting one side of the story. If the OP is a totally wacky drama queen, and I'm not saying she is, but *if* she is, then of course she'd sell herself in the best light, selectively telling truths and spinning things to her advantage. For example, did she discuss who would provide the cake ahead of time? She doesn't say. And if she *didn't* have that discussion, why would she assume the MIL wouldn't provide one? We just need more information. Maybe some of the other peoples' perspectives.
Evelyn Witt 2 years ago
I think that both parties are actually equally making poor judgments on this. The young woman who is the fiance of the man whose birthday it is, should have talked to her future mother-in-law. They could have come to some sort of an agreement. I know that the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is not great but when it comes to this person's birthday, there should be some negotiations. The young woman did act like a child when she went home so that is a red flag and how she's going to act once they get married and something doesn't go her way.
Squiddles 2 years ago
I don't wanna blame the victim, but how many times you gonna set yourself up with assholes? You know they're shady, you know your fiancee is a nonconfrontational Weiner. Either you make peace or bounce. Don't do goofy s**t like bring food when they host, you're not getting their approval and...do you even need it? If you like your dude except for this one thing ehhhh what's a visit once in awhile...you can even suddenly have something else to do when they visit. Live petty my friend, if everything else is good.
Felice Coles 2 years ago
ESH. It's ultimately about COMMUNICATION. Everyone has to say, in a civil way, what they are feeling. Just talk, even if it makes people uncomfortable. You know what's even more uncomfortable? Breaking up and divorce.
Cerise Hood 2 years ago
I feel like there should have been discussion beforehand, but the mother sucks for her behavior in the past.
Anonymous Poster 2 years ago
She knew not to bake the cake. She already said that in the past she decided to stop baking them. Yet she went ahead and baked one anyway. That's on her. She already knew how the mom was probably going to react. She was asking for trouble. Her walking away was a d**k move. She knows what she's getting herself into, she needs to either get that boyfriend out of the family or she just needs to leave the relationship. Nothing's going to change his family is the way they are. She needs to accept it and learn how to deal with it or move on. She is the a*****e in this situation. I feel like she wanted to instigate a fight. If she wants to make a cake for her boyfriend privately that would be different. She had already stated that she stopped making cakes and baking stuff for his family specifically because they treat her poorly afterwards. Why would she go through the effort to make a birthday cake unless you wanted to start some type of drama with them? She's asking for the drama.
Cindy Caruso 2 years ago
YTA-. You already know the situation with the family. You should have called the mil to ask if you could bring anything to the party to help out. ( Polite for any event you attend) if you wanted to make him a cake you should have and had it at home to present in private before or after the party. He would have loved it. You did act like a child over something that shouldn't have even been brought. You might want to read up on event and party edict. It will help you. Your only 25 so you might not know that you have to coordinate with the host. This actually had nothing to do with the mil it was your reaction. Your BF should have let you know his mom would already have a cake and suggested you guys have it after the party or have a special private party at a different time. As he knows his mom. If you plan to marry this man. You do need to talk about how you two will handle events with his family. It will help you both if you do better with personal communication.
Charity Milam 2 years ago
There are two sides to this story, I’m certain of it. I’d bet money if the mom had a chance to tell her side of things, we would hear a very different account of this story. There is a reason MIL doesn’t like fiancé, and the cake drama is just the tip of the pot-stirring iceberg.
The Starsong Princess 2 years ago
YTA, at least for this incident. When you bring unsolicited food to someone’s party, they can serve it or not at their discretion. In the mother’s place, I would have served the cake I bought and planned too. Bringing a cake and insisting it be served is a power play and makes me think you are looking for a reason to break with Ben’s family and insist he takes your side.
Anna Snorrepot 2 years ago
She knew this would happen. This is not going to change. Assess if you can live like this. It's OK if you don't want to, you don't need solid arguments to break up, you only need a gut feeling.
Walter Stock 2 years ago
Ben is a mommas boy who will never consider you 1st, you need to ditch him.
James G. Currie 2 years ago
The most mature person in this story? The baker. Since Mamma's Boy won't grow a backbone, she need to drop him!
Michael Torrez 2 years ago
I find that there are a lot of holes involving the information we're getting. The most prominent point though is that this is on the fault of the fiance. Whether or not the mother and his family dislike thefuture wife, whether or not the OP decides to "take a stand" at the right or wrong time, the fiance has heavy influence on how this could have turned out. He had to Every angle; he chose to let it blow up and to be mad at her. 1: having known she was making him a cake, he could have told his mom that his other half would take the reigns on making his favorite cake, still tactfully and lovingly, appreciating his mother's efforts with the rest of the party. 2: if his mother is too overbearing, he could have told his fiance that while he would love her cake, he feels it best that she make it for him and leave it at their own place, for a private birthday between themselves, and that he would only have 1 slice of his mother's cake out of respect for her efforts and that, yes, she's mom.
Edward Gore 2 years ago
Ahh.... I finally figured out why ppl. get on these sites & ask these questions..... To build up their self confidence & justification as to why they react the way they do .... 😉😉😉
Vintage Freak 2 years ago
I'll I can say is RUN! Onthe otherhand, let her spend all she wants when she hosts that way you can save your money honey. If your intention was good move but keep your eyes open in reevaluating whether this is something you want to deal with in the future. He is a momma's boy.
Amy Lecy Rieke 2 years ago
No offense BUT . . . Unless the FMIL was told that her FDIL was bringing a cake it makes perfect sense that the hostess of the birthday party would already have a cake. The special cake could be eaten at home, just the two of them, as a special seperate birthday celebration.
Kristina H.N. 2 years ago
No offense but there seem to be no possibility of having 2 cakes at a birthday, and one of the cakes always needs to be humiliated in front of its maker. Gotha.
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Cornell Sanders 2 years ago
Leave him. If she don't put her foot down now one day she will wish she had. I'm 58 years old and I'm stuck. I'm beginning to move on with my life. Her mother and sister did some much damage to our lives to the point that I'm going to have to accept that it's going to be with me for the rest of my life. Her mother and sister died last year right behind each other. When I were younger I gloated over my enemies defeat, but this time I felt sorry for them than satisfaction. Everyday I wish that I never met them.
Kristy McDole 2 years ago
Hmmm. Why not have both cakes like most people do? Either join the bakery cake on the table on your own accord, or take it home and have it in private. Sounds like your time could be saved in the future by consulting with this particular host. Practice not reacting. Be more assertive with fiance. Mother in law to be sounds like a bully to you. Fiance sounds like he also walks on eggshells, tries to keep the peace with her. However, you are marrying the son not her, and if he treats you well then that's good. You are a young 25 who is learning dynamics of finance's family. In the end, you don't know what's behind these people or know why they behave the way the do, but that you are feeling slighted. Conversations need to be had among the three of you for real..., if things don't change, stop engaging with her. Also, while this is your perspective, they also theirs too.
Bartosz Adamek 2 years ago
I love the fact that every redditor there became relationship specialist after reading a paragraph of text and sayin "Leave him". Bruh if answer to every little bad thing was "leave him/her" there would be no relationships at all. The only based commentors were HolSia and bolivia
Karen Morgan 2 years ago
Relationships take time. A mother's relationship with her son has been built over a long time & it's takes some time to change that. While I don't think it's right that OP was dismissed, that doesn't mean she should leave him. It took my husband, his mom & I several years (close to 6 yrs) to build a good relationship for allowing of us & in still working on my relationshipwith my son's GF. Talk to him & his mom. Set up boundaries & try not to put him in the middle. It's obvious that you both love him & I'm sure you three can work this out :)
Jennifer McCrary 2 years ago
Run.....far and fast!! He's a mammas boy, you will be miserable!!!!
Salisha Odum 2 years ago
I think that she should have kept the cake at home. She knew the mom was handling the party and of course there would already be a cake. The party was her fiance's, not hers She is a big baby and wanted the attention for herself.
Kristina H.N. 2 years ago
And there there was a house with big babies who thought a party can't have 2 cakes, and one haughty b*tch who bought her son's approval. Way to go in regard to trying to get the attention. Maybe he should marry his mother.
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Charity Milam 2 years ago
Another example of millennial “entitlement” and subsequent pitching a fit when you don’t get your way. Sorry, OP walked right into this one, and MIL is the one in the right. OP explains up-front that her fiancé eats her cakes, and that no one else seems to like them. There’s a flag right there. Then, MIL is hosting her son’s birthday party and ORDERS (spends $$) on a cake for the party! Sounds like OP never asked if she could also bring her own cake, which, apparently, no one likes. If OP wanted to make her own cake for her fiancé, she should have served it at home but instead arrived with it, announced, at in-law’s party, then, STORMS OUT of fiancé’s party and accuses THEM of starting drama! Yes, run far, far away from this fiancé and save his mom the future grief!
Iifa A. 2 years ago
F his mum, and him. You are the biggest a-hole if you continue this relationship. Dating children even if older than you should be illegal. A man who doesn't stand up to his immediate family to protect his partner is not mature enough to understand when you grow up mommy and daddy are important but your partner and child will take priority just after yourself. Then rest of family. Girl RUN! Love is not worth this drama
Amy Taylor 2 years ago
I'm in a simiar situation with my MIL with boundaries and such, but my husband has ALWAYS taken my side.
Load More Replies... BluEyedSeoulite 2 years ago
I'm with ESH. Mom and bf are the worst problems. OP picked the wrong time to take a stand. Usually the host is going to arrange for the birthday cake. If the host didn't ask you to bring a birthday cake, don't bring a birthday cake! OP did start the drama at the party and I get why he was upset. However, his family treats her poorly and he doesn't stick up for her, not a good person to tie yourself to
mind yours 2 years ago
leaving when you're insulted is causing drama? the bf knew ahead of time that there would be a cake there, and also knew that his gf was making one ahead of time, this was intentional and designed to gaslight this poor woman into thinking she's overreacting so she doesn't cause a fuss when she's repeatedly treated like garbage.
Load More Replies... ZeroCapacity 2 years ago
OP an make me a cake for my birthday I will eat every bite and smile while I do it.
mind yours 2 years ago
i have to wonder about the esh and yta people. "did you ask to bring a cake" is a dumb question when it says directly in the text that the fiance was thrilled with it. even if there was no indication she'd communicated her intent, the "oh put it over there for the children" was absolutely intended as an insult, as was every suggestion from this terrible woman that her son's gf should get plastic surgery to look better???? throw the entire family in a dumpster imo.
Metalhead Turtle 🇺🇦 2 years ago
Well said, @mind yours. OP deserves better
Load More Replies... Mbfsc63 2 years ago
NTA. That woman is definitely malicious. Anyone who comments on your body and has suggestions for future cosmetic surgery is malicious. Your fiancee also an AH because he knew you were baking his cake and failed to tell mummy. It is not your responsibility to inform HIS mother. He called childish for leaving the party. He is 31 and has yet to cut the cord. He will likely never back you up regarding his mother's totally disrespectful behaviour towards you. Call off the engagement because it will never get better.......
Bernadette Medina 2 years ago
I'm the mother of four sons. I'm not the kind to think that my sons are too good for anyone. But I would like them to find someone that they can be happy with. What makes this woman think that any woman is not good enough for her sons obviously she got married and she had three sons from this man. So what made her good enough to marry someone's son. I would tell him he's going to be alone forever because his mother will always think there's nobody good enough for him. And someone needs to tell her that she married someone's son so she needs to step back and let her sons be happy too. Whoever married her I feel sorry for her husband. Obviously she's a snob and she didn't deserve to marry anyone else's son.
Bored Retsuko 2 years ago
I always skip to the bits that seem directly quoted.
Load More Replies... Barbara Cass 2 years ago
NTA Be good to yourself and get out of that relationship. He is never going to put you first.
Kimberly Wiltshire 2 years ago
Pick up your skirts and run. That is emotional abuse on both their parts. It's only going to increase when your married. Who gives a flying how much she spent you put the actual effort into making a cake. Nope get out while you can. Of he cant stand up to his mom when she is in the wrong and being abusive towards you he has no integrity. Red flag!
Marilyn Russell 2 years ago
Well, not sure if the MIL-to-be knew she was bringing a cake in the first place as usually the host(ess) would be the cake provider, unless discussed otherwise beforehand. That being said, you do not want to marry into that family, trust me. You think your life is miserable now? It can and will only get worse. The fiancé will always (hard underscore) take their side and expect you to capitulate.
Seabeast 2 years ago
The fiance knew. He could have told his mother to not buy a cake.
Load More Replies... Lyn Moffett 2 years ago
RUN. Run fast and run far. This will only get worse. I know from experience.
Lizzie Lola 2 years ago
I'm a cake artist, it takes HOURS to make a cake. (That's part of why they're so expensive, btw!) This was beyond the pale, he's NEVER gonna be on her side or stand up to mom. If she's ok with that, that's her choice, if it was me, I'd Nope! out of that whole family.
Patricia Robertsp 2 years ago
I’d ditch the guy, get a nice pet, and bake something for it. This guy isn’t worth your time.
Julian Scherner 2 years ago
Mama's boy needs to grow up and get of her tit, and you honey need a real man.
Amber Hemerick 2 years ago
I'm a little mixed on this... If MIL bought a cake after you specifically said you were bringing it, then NTA for sure. However, that isn't mentioned, so I'm wondering if there was not a discussion, in which case, you are a bit at fault. That being said, the fact she is constantly belittling is not okay. Ben should defend you. If he doesn't see the problem, you should get out. It's only going to get worse. You'll always be treated this way if he allows his family to do this. Find someone who will treat you right.
Robin Gray 2 years ago
Your disrespectful of me well Honey that's a two way street. I'd dropped it on her head and waltz out the door. The nerve of suggesting plastic surgery, she's a nasty b***h and should be treated as such. Tell your fiance to grow a pair, cause she'll run the show for as long as you let it.
Leslie Harlow Gries 2 years ago
The MIL has already over stepped by hosting the party. Either you should have had 2 parties, hers for family and yours for friends or she should have talked to you about the cake, imho. This is never going to happen. RUN!
Brandy Kratz 2 years ago
I think people are missing the fact that the op told her boyfriend that she was making him a cake for the party. So he would have told the mother this as well. Op didn't just decide to bake him a cake out of the blue. She even mentions that NO ONE in his family will eat any of the sweets she makes. That makes wonder if FMIL has told the family that she cannot cook and the food isn't good. But Un all reality here this whole situation goes beyond the cake and his birthday. He should have handled his mother a long time ago. She is very rude and disrespectful to the op. I'm a mother of 4 boys. I would never treat any woman who is possibly going to marry one of my sons in that manner. Boyfriend needs to grow a pair and stick up for his gf/fiance. She is NTA and seriously needs to rethink if she wants to spend the rest of her life with a spineless person like him. And trust and believe FMIL knew op was making him a cake.
kit kat 2 years ago
You're assuming her bf told his mom about the cake, he may not have
Load More Replies... James Tyre 2 years ago
Marrying into a family diamic like this one will only lead to years of heart ache. The cake is only a sign of things to come. He will never side with you over his mother. And to her you will never be good enough.
- 2 years ago (edited)
"she doesn't really mean to be malicious" - C'mon, the FMIL suggests cosmetic surgery and the fiance tells her to pretend it doesn't hurt. My family isn't the most functional (some very nice members and others not so much). Trying to see things through my husband's eyes has opened mine. A little empathy goes a long way and I don't see any on this man's part.
Load More Replies... kath morgan 2 years ago
Let the kids have it? Absolute sow, talking about something homemade like a second rate cake. What’s wrong with “sweet, now we have two! The more cake the better!”
Craig Becker 2 years ago
ITEM: “I decided to bake him his birthday cake and he was thrilled it” -> implies that Ben knew she was making a cake. He didn’t mention this to his Mom? ITEM: Why not have two cakes? ITEM: Mom could have treated both cakes as equal, but she just *had* to slag OP’s cake. ITEM: OP is partly to blame: she had to be aware that this could be a problem. ITEM: In many relationships, when the guy chooses the GF over the Mom, that’s a sign that he’s ready for marriage. Ben is not ready for marriage.
gie 2 years ago (edited)
OP has already established that the FMIL has established that FMIL has made negative comments about OP's body, suggesting plastic surgery & clearly her fiance has a , "My son does no wrong" mom. RUN. The relationship has already soured and all interactions OP has towards her FMIL will be reactive, and the resentment between fiance and OP will grow bigger as time goes by. Who cares about cakes, it's about respect and FMIL is molding you into the enemy, and if you don't see it now, she meticulously turning her son, and the family against you. FMIL will play favourite/backstab mond-games among the children-in-laws. If that doesn't convince OP, the bottomlime is OP will could turn into her FMIL bc the amount of complaining, planning, and unhappiness this will bring into OP's life. Even Superman isn't made of enough steel for this bs.
wellwisher 2 years ago
His mother considers herself to be the matriarch of the family as well as the family martyr too. You'll never compare or out do her. Your coffee, will never be as good had her coffee. If you stay, get used to it. Oh, you'll never be the mother she is either. I would not have been home when he finally returned at 11 pm. I would have been having a drink somewhere with friends. If you stay suck it up buttercup.
Shayla Katherina 2 years ago (edited)
I've showed up to functions with the in-laws and we've had multiple cakes that everyone sampled from. I don't get why there only needed to be one cake. That being said, OP's fiance needs to start standing up for her if he wants to marry her. Right now he's complicit that his future wife is being treated poorly by his family. When he marries her, OP should come first and certainly shouldn't feel like her own husband never has her back. They either need some serious premarital counseling or OP needs to decide whether this is worth dealing with for years to come.
Pamela Hicks 2 years ago
Op is a fool is she stays with this total loser of a fiance and his despicable mother. Neither of them respect her. She deserves a whole lot better.
Load More Replies... m rich 2 years ago
She brought a cake without telling the host knowing full well nobody liked her cakes. End it right there
Marsha Putnam 2 years ago
But her bf knew she was making a special cake for him. He should have informed his mother. Store bought cake could have gone to the kids or in the freezer. Why does his family not eat her cakes? Is it because they don’t like them-or-is it another ploy by his family to denigrate her? I opt for the latter. IMO, the OP needs to let her bf continue his relationship with mommy while she packs and gets out of Dodge. This is a toxic relationship that will not be overcome. Mommy will always be #1 in his life. They will take over and control the marriage, especially any children. Run, OP, run!!!!
Load More Replies... Sylvia Roberts 2 years ago
I can tell you from experience this mil will ruin every celebration you two will have in the future. Every Christmas, Easter, future children's birthdays, Chtistining etc. You will never measure up. As the saying goes, throw him back. There are lots of fish in the sea.
Patricia Asher 2 years ago
Just one suggestion: Bye Bye Ben! Mama is always going to be #1, and Mama knows it. She is going to rub it in your face every chance she gets. He's a Mama's boy in the absolute worst way, and he isn't going to change.
Mad McQueen 2 years ago
Ntah because he should have said "we can have two cakes because she made this special for me or I can leave with her and enjoy it together. And mom stop being a b***h. " He will never stand up for you. He's a mommas boy. Move on. Not worth his drama mama and the family if they Belittle you for being hurt and no one stood up for your effort. Hope the cake tasted good and you didn't give him any and are packing up to leave.
Jack Ranger 2 years ago
Can there ever be too much cake at a birthday party? I think not. The future MIL should have put the finance's cake right next to the store bought cake. Obviously there needed to be better communication about the cake. It seemed to me future MIL had already taken over hosting the party. Incredibly rude about the cake. Bottom line is she rules her family with an iron fist. That's not going to change until her sons put a stop to it. No woman should marry into that family. You'll always be the third wheel, diminished, disregarded and asked to take a back seat. Back to the baking. If OP is known for her baking it must be pretty good. For his family to show no interest in what she baked makes me think the future MIL has laid down the law about that as well. If so, what a petty, insecure, control freak.
Spring Young 2 years ago
It's his mom hosting his party ..yeah she would get a cake!! You didn't tell her you were before the party and expected her to not have her son a cake at a party she hosted ?? That's childish yes very and ignorant! Now him saying nothing should show what marriage will be but fairly you are not his wife yet ! And you left with a cake nobody was going to eat which you knew and pitched a fit like a child over her providing her son a cake at his party she hosted that again she didn't know about your cake smh no you were wrong! And the disrespect to his mom was you walking out the party like a child ....at least was saying let kids eat it ..she was host it's her son of course would buy the cake ..why did you assume wouldn't be a cake? Sounds like drama you intended on
Miah Shawn 2 years ago
If you think Op is the problem in all of this, I feel sorry for anyone who has to be around you. You sound almost as much of a garbage person as her FMIL
Load More Replies... WhiteCalla 2 years ago
Not the a*****e. That mom is a dumbass just like his son. However the OP shouldn have discussed about the cake before hand. Anyways, if I was in the moms place, I would simply thank you for bringing the cake, put them side by side, and eat both. It was that simple.
Tasos Papadopoulos 2 years ago
NTA. She already mentioned her fiance was thrilled with the cake before the event so it's on him for not notifying his mother that the cake was already arranged. So yeah, as other have already suggested you need to have a long talk with him and his priorities.
Igor Campelo 2 years ago
A good rule of thumb is: don't bring a birthday cake of someone else is hosting the party, unless you're asked to do it. That said, both had utterly childish responses
Pecho Muh 2 years ago
I don't see her mentioning that she'd let the MIL know that she's bringing a cake. Sounds like a miscommunication issue, and I don't think that part is MIL's fault. Normally my opinion is aligned with most people's when I read these posts but this time I think the woman was not right and I bet some of the major issues between them two are her fault.... and even if I'm wrong for all of it, all the comments to leave the husband immediately over something like this!! Omg people put yourselves in her shoes, do you think this is reasonable....
Jack Ranger 2 years ago
They aren't married yet. They never should be if he's not going to have her back.
Load More Replies... Hoodoo 2 years ago (edited)
FMIL is an emotional abuser who's likely been doin this sort o' dirt a long while because the hubs & sons have permitted it. OP has 3 options IMO- accept it, change it, or eliminate it. She cannot change her partner. She cannot change the rottweiler FMIL. She'll either need to accept the dynamic by tolerating it or eliminate it by gettin out o' her relationship. When you stay yoked to an a*****e, who's really the a*s? I see pain in OP's future.
Lisa Egan 2 years ago
NTA, but you should've known how this was going to play out because of how FMIL has acted. It wasn't going to end well. Fiance is DEFINITELY AH for thinking he can tell his future wife to deal with his mother BS. Coming from someone that was in an abusive marriage, I can only tell you this is going to get worse if you stay. Run as fast as you can away from him & his mother
Joey Lee 2 years ago (edited)
I might have misread but didn't GF say she'd previously stopped bringing homemade cakes when she realized mom provides them? And when mom said she'll provide the cake why did GF bring one? So make him a special cake for their own private celebration at home. She's going to have a lot harder problems to solve in marriage. That's not even a hard one. If she had simply modified her behavior and adjusted her attitude she would not have needed to be a jerk and ruined the b-day celebration. But I'm speaking from 29 yrs of marriage experience in the trenches!
Heather Beauvais 2 years ago
I'm unable to make a decision on this particular post, without knowing if the future MIL knew she was making a cake. That makes a huge difference. Also for the people commenting about the family not liking her baking, she states clearly they won't try her baking. As for the mental and emotional abuse she's receiving about her looks and body, she should have taken that as a sign to get out. Her fiance is a coward he is not a partner.
Pat Kinman 2 years ago
Had Ben a truly loving, respectful, and appreciative fiancé he should have jumped in and suggested both be available. His shining moment would have been completely finishing (and obviously enjoying it) his future’s brides cake that was made with her time, effort, love and adoration. After enjoying her gift of love (not pocketbook to buy a cake) one would hope he would have enthusiastically thanked her and praised her. After a welcome glass of water have a slice of the bakery cake. Sounds like he’s in fear his mom and upsetting her at the cost of his fiancé.
Mathieu Brouwers 2 years ago
No one can choose his or her family, but choose your in-laws carefully.
Miah Shawn 2 years ago
People are talking about how Op didn't directly tell her MIL about the cake (she told her fiance but he never spoke to his mother about it apparently), but what I'm more focused on is the absolute lack of respect she's expected to put up with aside from the cake situation. What gives his shrew of a mother the right to tell ANYONE that they need cosmetic f#ucking surgery? Who even says stuff like that? "She means nothing malicious by it" MY LEFT NUT! Smfh I hope she doeant marry this man. Imagine when they start planning the wedding, do you think MIL is going to be civil? God forbid OP have to deal with MIL in the event that she gets pregnant, that stress will give her and the baby a heart attack. How can her fiance just let his future wife get talked down to like that? It's disgusting.
Marianne 2 years ago (edited)
Why is it that a birthday has to have *one* specific cake? Where I live, it is quite common that several people bring cakes and you can have as many as your stomach can hold. I have always made a cake for my husband's birthday and so has his mum. The people in this story clearly have multiple problems, but too much cake isn't one of them...
kit kat 2 years ago
Ugh...did you tell the MIL you were going to bake his cake? No where in post does it say you had an agreement you would bring a cake. It's normally a host that does that unless talked about beforehand. Also, you say you don't bring baked goods to her house anymore because they won't eat it and then go ahead and bake again? Everyone sounds stupid in this tbh
P.A.B. 2 years ago (edited)
Hey, Studoku and all the others who are shi*ting your pants because she brought a cake: Ben knew she was bringing the cake and agreed enthusiastically to it. He also knows his mother and could have informed her in advance or even told his girl, no, please don’t. Ben and his mother are both AHs. 😑
Penny Lost 2 years ago
It's time to say goodbye to Ben, don't you think, OP? He and his mommy seem quite happy together, let it stay that way.
Kate Mackenzie 2 years ago
Lots of AH here. When one is going to a hosted birthday party, WHY assume the host won't have a cake. MIL to be wasn't very tactful, but if kids were in a different area, I could relate to sending them their own cake. Boyfriendcwas not wrong. She was rude and entitled and ridiculous going to a party with a cake and not clearing it with the host. I also don't understand why she would bother with her unappreciated dessert offerings. Just relax and go to the dang party and be nice to people. She was begging for drama with that AH move.
Brenda Pereira 2 years ago
I'm sorry, but unless you made a prior agreement with the mom, you are the AHOLE. It is assumed that whoever hosts the party is responsible for the cake. You don't say if you and the MIL had talked about you bringing the cake instead or not. If you did, then NTA, but if not, TA. Sorry, but someone had to say it.
Piper Ryder 2 years ago
Y'all she said that she said that her boyfriend KNEW SHE WAS MAKING A CAKE, it's not like she brought it out of the blue
Abbella DiNoto 2 years ago (edited)
Honestly, you stated 1. they won’t eat your baked goods and 2. the mom is the hostess it’s her job to provide cake if you are not asked to bring anything then don’t! Clearly not wanted. Yes he is a clear momma’s boy. Yes, she is a monster in law! But are you any better,? No! you are a drama queen! You literally continue to do the same thing over/over somehow expecting different results. He won’t chose you. And since you agreed to marry him knowing this, you are the very definition of insane! Either accept your new crazy life, or leave him find another who appreciates you and chooses you! But first choose yourself. Have some self respect. Don’t be a drama queen either. You literally continue to create drama knowing what the results will be. Just stop or leave!
Monique Dube 2 years ago
She knew they wouldn't eat it. They never ate her baking before why would they start now. Why did she bring her cake to the party, his mother was putting on? . Did she ask for the cake? No. so assuming then throwing a fit. Ya girl you wrong.
Will I Will-Ham 2 years ago
I understand the yta comments. The host is responsible for the cake and op should expect that there is already one. Yes there is some bad vibes between op and mil comming from mil. But imo it was an overreaction to a self made situation. The best advices came from the nta fraction: LEAVE.
Paul Godly 2 years ago
Ok, I have to say this, A.This could have been easily handled by smashing mom's cake. B. Why didn't she smash the cake, I mean, if were gonna be childish and get mad over cakes, might as well go 100, and smash mom's cake, f**k her, But seriously, if you saw that, I woulda done this, I woulda took the cake I made home, and THEN, presented him with it, when he is alone, so he can judge and apriciate it humself
Suzanne Giglio 2 years ago
My first husband was a mammas boy. Run, don’t walk. Do not marry this guy. His mother comes first and always will.
Mary Bell 2 years ago
Drop him asap. If he takes his mothers side and doesn’t even attempt to stand up for you it is a harbinger of what’s to come. My now ex husband moved our wedding date without talking to me first. I married him anyway. Every year for vacation we had to visit his family in another state. Every holiday was spent with his family. From someone who’s been there, RUN! You deserve way more than what he’s going to give or want to give you!
Jrose Roseyrose 2 years ago
Walked away from my family and life is sooooooooooooo much better. You need to take care of you ESPECIALLY if others aren't.
Robin Fox 2 years ago
Here’s the thing. You made it about you!!! Did you make it better or make it worse. You added drama. Leaving with your cake made you look like a drama Queen. Imagine if you asked your fiancée to have his moms and then please say to the room how sweet it was that you too made a cake. Later another time you could have spoken with him. It was his day and his mom and you made yourself look bad. Time to reevaluate if this relationship is right for you. But always try and get out of righteousness indignation. Be the bigger person. If you love him you need to see how you let her make you ruin his day.
Michelle C 2 years ago
I'm leaning more towards ESH...Why? Because I don't get why the hell would you have brought over a cake when you say in the 2nd paragraph that when you bring stuff you make they make every excuse not to eat it...so you practically went over there KNOWING that this would happen and you knew you were going to walk out. It's wasn't your first rodeo here... You should've baked your cake and left it for you two to enjoy at home and go to his mom's house to have a slice of souless cake and suck it up. I believe that you thought that after all the effort you put in that either a). His mother would be civil; or b). for once your man would have your back. That is a very tricky game to play with over bearing mothers and sons. Seeing that you knew this and decided to get engaged anyway, just accept this fact and remember that MILs don't live forever.
Deborah B 2 years ago
Bringing a surprise cake to a Birthday Party hosted by someone else is rude. It carries an implicit message of disrespect to the hostess "You won't provide cake, or my cake will be better." If you want to provide the cake, you ask. The mom shut you down, as she had every right to, and you got all bitchy about it, and stormed off with your unwelcome cake. You then expected your BF to leave his own party with all his friends and family, to placate you. He didn't. You may have baked your cake with love, but mom arranged the party, which also takes effort, and everyone attending was commiting time and effort to do so. BF leaving would have been disrespectful to all of them. Mom was undiplomatic, boyfriend was in an untenable situation, and you were an a*****e. Apologise to both of them. Accept that you may not be as good a cook as you think, and that BF has other people in his life he values and loves, despite their flaws, and he doesn't have to take your side when you are in the wrong.
Vladimíra Matejová 2 years ago
they are all AH. Mil for how she treats Op in general ( suggesting a plastic surgery really? i wouldnt say something like that even to orcs). BF for not mentioning to his mom OP is baking and for not having OP's back in general. OP for bringing a b-day cake to a party she is not hosting and to ppl who obviously dont like her baking ( why though? is it so disgusting?). i think OP sees complots even when there are noone because of the hatred bwtween her and tge MIL. Mil obviouslyuses every chance to belittle and insult her and bf is either blind or doesnt care. something needs to change in the relations here
Load More Replies... Ivanka van der Reest 2 years ago (edited)
This is such a toxic situation. If this guy really wants to marry OP he should start taking her feelings into consideration and instead of defending the ugly behavior of his family, begin to defend his fiance instead and tell his mom to stop bullying his soon to be wife. OP is going to end up miserable if she marries this guy. Any woman would end up miserable. It's one thing if a woman and her family in-law can't get along. It's another thing on its own if the husband always defends his family and make his woman feel bad for getting upset when she's the victim. The fact that she even feels the need to ask whether or not she's the a*****e says enough. A victim of bullying shouldn't even have to ask. This is a family of narcissists and her fiance is one too. Because only narcissists can bully you like that and make you feel that you're the bad one, that you're being ridiculous, over emotional or even that it's your fault. That's what a narcissist does. If this was me I'd cancel the engagement. Hell, I might not even have accepted a proposal at all and broken off the relationship the moment I began to notice the in-laws treat me bad and he defends them instead of me no matter how much in love I would feel. I've been with a red flag guy before and it broke me completely. Once I broke out of that situation I said never again no matter how in love I am will I overlook red flags. I'd rather break my own heart breaking up (some good friends and chocolate ice cream to soften the pain) than breaking my life and sacrifice my mental health and self worth for a guy like that.
Scott Wilkinson 2 years ago
It sounds like he was at the party first, why in the hell did he not call to warn her? I would be hurt too. If he would have warned her, she could have placed it in the fridge and they could have had it for breakfast. He is not the type of person you need to be with. My EMIL always had to host the major holiday parties. We had to go to her house and have Thanksgiving and Christmas. One year I made Thanksgiving dinner and my in-laws didn't show up until after the food was cold, stuffed because they had a dinner earlier. I made tons of food for everyone and you can imagine all the leftovers. The difference is my husband at the time did stand up for me and that was the last dinner I went to with his family. OP needs to either lose her self respect or place an ultimatum.
Dave Hinckley 2 years ago
Need more details. Did OP tell mil she was making a cake? If she knew his family doesn't eat what she bakes, she should have given him the cake at home and avoided the drama.
Munnin 2 years ago
If I knew people didn't like my baking I sure as hell wouldn't bring a cake I made to a party they were throwing. Is this FMIL rude? Yes, but showing up with the cake when you know no one likes your baking makes you a moron. Ben and his mom are definitely problems, and she needs to really think about this relationship. Most people commenting sound as though they believe she's a good baker. There's a 50-50 chance that she isn't. I work with plenty of people who can't bake or cook but still insist on inflicting their culinary disasters on us. They assume that because their spouse, kids, or family tolerate it that it must be tasty. If NO ONE eats her baking, she's probably not good at it. She even says that Ben "eats what I make"; not a ringing endorsement. I'm a really good cook and baker (horrible at decorating) but there are people who don't like some of my things, so I don't expect them to eat it and I don't get mad. She needs to accept that part. And rethink the relationship.
Load More Replies... Doug Murphy 2 years ago
Dump Ben, he's dependent on his mother, and, apparently an a$$hole to boot.
Sam Baize 2 years ago
My immediate reaction was to say that she was NTA, but a big part of that was my assumption that the FMIL was already informed that she would be bringing the cake and decided to one-up her. If OP never informed FMIL, who WAS hosting the party, that she and her fiance had decided together and agreed that she would be making the cake, then I hate to say it, but this would be an immediate YTA. Either way, despite the logistics of this particular event and what did or didn't happen, one thing is definitely for sure – this is not the family, and by extension, the man, she wants to commit her life to. Maybe this isn't the straw that breaks the camel's back moment, but the signs are all there that none of this will ever realistically change. If not now, then it's only a matter of time. Maybe next argument. Maybe by Christmas. Or maybe not for another 10 years. It's going to happen. She's young (25), unmarried and without kids. If ever were a time to leave, it's now.
Monique Williams 2 years ago
No it's a s******* and You're the star..... Run nothing you can do or say is going to change the fact your fiancee and his mom are CREEPY
P B Wilson 2 years ago
My reaction would have been different. I would use my forearm to cut her taken two, going on both sides of the counter, then place mine where hers was. When he got home at 11:00 would have told him I'm tired at him and his family and left.
Laura Roberson 2 years ago
The mother-in-law's comment was not nice, however, no one should ever bring a birthday cake to a birthday party without asking the hostess first. The fiance should have asked the mother-in-law what she could bring, or at least offer to bring the cake. It could have been settled by communication.
Kristina H.N. 2 years ago
Apparently nobody, including you, heard about the possibility of having 2 cakes at a birthday, without belittling the cake.
Load More Replies... Shannon Smith 2 years ago
It seems the birthday party was planned by his mother. She made all the arrangements and ordered a cake.. How could she have known the girlfriend was bringing a cake? The girlfriend should have mentioned this to her. She got upset and caused drama?!! He should leave her.
Kristina H.N. 2 years ago
There can't be 2 cakes at a party? Mothers should just say "your stuff is s**t, let kids eat that and we will eat professional cake"? She should leave him, he can marry his mother.
Load More Replies... Bob Scott 2 years ago
Completely with OP on this one, but I’m against the commenters. It’s not our place to tell her to leave her fiancé, especially because we don’t actually know him. We just heard the one time where he was clearly in the wrong
Mary Rogers 2 years ago
Not just one time. He also defended his mother on other occasions when she put OP down.
Load More Replies... Zachary Davidson 2 years ago
This is OP fault. The FMIL is a controlling b***h and dislikes her. The boy is weak and easily controlled by his mother. She should have learned this from prior interaction and moved on. She will likely still marry this dbag and by extension his mother. I do hope she gets away from these 2 though. Best of luck
TZ Carroll 2 years ago
NTA Mommas boys will always be mammas boys. Run like hell and don't look back.
Dina Hinckley 2 years ago
Run, run as fast as you can from Ben. He has not cut the apron ties and is definitely not ready for marriage. His whole family sounds toxic.
Jacobbmain 2 years ago
I have been in situations like that and you know what I'm happy to no longer be with people like that. My mom is like that and i defend my partner because i know what it's like. If he doesn't have the balls to be a man, and see how this hurts you, leave.
Not_Tellin 2 years ago
What is wrong with you? You are with a guy who, basically, says, "f**k your feelings, my mommy can say whatever she wants, no matter how insulting. And you BETTER learn to live with it".... What is wrong with you?
Re dacted (Ace) 8 months ago
I don't understand why people put up with partners like this. You think you marrying them is going to change anything? He's a mama's boy. Leave already.
Laura Annsmith 9 months ago
YOU are not the a*****e, your husband is a massive one, and so is your MIL. Your man boy husband enables his mother, and allows, yes ALLOWS her to disrespect you. My final act to that toxic MIL would have been the cake in her face, and telling her that you are going zero contact, and she will not ever have contact with any future children, PERIOD!! Block her number, and anyone else who tells you that you are in the wrong!
Rose 1 year ago
YTA, did you check about the cake or did you just take it on yourself to make it, from the sound of the post you did the later. If so then you made tge cake without checking and therefore opened yourself to being the second cake. Your bf is a bit weak in tge spine for not standing up to hus mother for tge way she talks to you and she sounds like she has issues letting go of her boys, but honestly your coming across as a bit entitled this time. The adult yhing to do was say, ok ill put it in the fridge and take it home after so he can have it for work tomorrow. Stayed and so your a mature adult. Temper tantrums are only going to prove mum right.
Alex Callesen 2 years ago
Future Mother in law from hell what a control freak! Is that what you really want to be stuck with? Sounds like he’ll never grow up he’s a Mummy’s boy! If you marry him you’ll be marrying his Mother as well 😩
Jaybird3939 2 years ago
Are any of the other boys married? If not, that's another huge Red Flag. I've had really good relationships with BF moms. I can't imagine having a b*tch like that overseeing my whole marriage!
Mary Jaye 2 years ago
only you know if you overreacted but if you marry him ever this is his Mom and there will be may more important things to worry about in the future. and it would be prudent to bite your tongue and worry about what you and your husband do than his Mom. it was probably not a good idea. it seems silly to me too. you and him are not off to a good start.
AspieGirl88 2 years ago (edited)
He’s legit gonna let his mother say horrible things to the “love of his life” & then insult her cake that was baked with love, with the MIL basically saying “My son’s not having that for his B-day; just give it to the kids, as this store-bought cake is a million times better than anything you made” … & her fiancé (apparently “thrilled” with her cake, before they got to his mother’s house) just allows his mother to belittle & humiliate her like that?? She had EVERY right to walk away from that toxicity! Also, since SHE bought the ingredients, poured her heart & soul into that cake & did it ALL herself; she absolutely had the right to take it, regardless of who she was making it for! If her fiancé has the nerve to defend his mother’s hostility towards his fiancée, that’s a marriage guaranteed to fail (& he’ll probably allow his mother to arrange the wedding to HER tastes rather than the bride’s). I hope to god she breaks off the engagement. She deserves SO much better than that & neither her “fiancé” nor her MIL are ever going to change. 😕🤷♀️
Kathleen S. 2 years ago
Dump this guy and his family AS FAST AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN! I can assure you it won't get better, and if he doesn't have the gonads to stand up to her, then he is not worthy of a woman of your caliber!
Pamela Hicks 2 years ago
Life is going to be a living Hell if this woman marries that imbecilic man. His mother is ALWAYS GOING TO BE MORE IMPORTANT THAN SHE IS!!! Please run as far away from this loser and his mother as possible. She's openly disrespectful to you and he agrees with monster mommy dearest. Your life and the life of your children will be controlled and criticized by his horrifically reprehensible and deplorable mother. She doesn't give a damn about you and neither does her "baby" son. Find joy, love, peace, and happiness with someone that values you and deeply loves you and whose parents care about you and respect you. Kick the trash you're engaged to to the curb. Good riddance to bad rubbish, especially his detestable mother.
Leslie Cleary 2 years ago
I"m sorry to say but what a b***h, and I'm speaking about the mother-in-law. NONE of our gf's (highlighted person in the story) feelings were taken into account, her participation in the event was basically dismissed, and all her hard work was ignored...! Like someone above mentioned, forget about a relationship with that guy because he"s already married...to his Mom!!
Veronica fiedzuik 2 years ago
I have zero tolerance for people who simply do not know how to act. In the case of this mother she is obviously selfish, ungracious, and too worried about her own sense of importance. People like this need to be told that they're rude, classless, and have no idea how to even act like a supposed lady. A lady goes out of her way to make people in her home feel welcomed. She needs to be told this to her face. Unfortunately most people simply don't have the guts to do so. This is usually not out of cowardness, but out of their own sense of propriety, and what is considered acceptable behavior in social situations. I hung up that shackle long ago. I would put that woman in her place quicker than she could argue back, and I wouldn't feel wrong about it in the least. These types of people rather they're men or woman need to be told exactly what they are. Personally I grew tired of being the bigger person. Tell her what you think of her and don't even flinch because "right" is on your side
bill marsano 2 years ago
Yes, YATA: Ben family is hosting' typically the host provides the cake, and you already knew his family rejects your cooking. AND you apparently did NOT discuss the cake with his mother--you just blundered in and tried to upstage the host. So there's no denying YATA. On the other hand, this is the perfect opportunity to use your noggin and dump Ben PRONTO. Do NOT marry a man who puts anyone, even (or especially) his mother, before you. Maybe you'll get smart if Bored Panda offers a collection of "I Married a Mama's Boy" posts.
Karen Phillips 2 years ago
Leave him. This micro managing is not going to get better. He's a momma's boy and she has the cards. You'll never win. She'll always put you down and will treat your kids like a dirty secret that their family doesn't need to know about. My dad did it to my mom. While he physically abused her for 30 years. Run
Katherine Dobias 2 years ago
I don't see anywhere where the girl informed the family in advance that she's bringing a cake. Did everyone already know she was bringing a cake? Did she know or was she informed that the mom was going to buy a cake anyway? It just seems like a lack of communication on all their part
Lib 2 years ago
Ben definitely should have been more supportive. Not sure he's a keeper. BUT I think OP was at fault too. Providing a birthday cake is usually the job of the person hosting. Telling Ben she was making a cake wasn't telling his mom, the hostess. Ben may have thought the cake was for a private celebration, after all. And why was the OP determined to make a cake for the family gathering anyway? She said his family doesn't like her baking and avoids eating it whenever possible. Was she trying to make them eat something that, for whatever reason, they don't like? Was she counting on the guests feeling obligated to eat it because it would be weird if nobody ate the birthday cake? Why does his entire family-- not just FMIL-- avoid her cooking? She says she's ok with that but obviously she's not if she's trying to provide THE central food item at a family gathering. Everybody was an AH but I find the OP's behavior quite odd.
Renee Evans 2 years ago
Imagine for a minute what could happen if you marry him, and have kids. His mother is gonna ruin your wedding, by making you feel like you're not even close to good enough for her son to marry. Then every birthday a child of yours will have, she'll be there, doing what she does best, talking down about you, but now it is too your own child. Don't marry him unless he can grow a thicker skin to stand up to his mother for you. Take your cake and walk away, far far away.
AnnaMarie Sewell 2 years ago
Please, this family is not a good fit. You my love your fiancee, but look at the big picture on how this family will affect you. Your health will be comprised. I was married into a similar situation. MIL said she wanted to bake a cake for my birthday and asked what I wanted. I said anything but lemon cake. She baked me a lemon cake. Even fiancee brother commented saying, I thought you didn't like lemon cake. I remained passive and forced myself to eat a small piece to not be rude. I think back of all the little things that had happened with MIL prior to marriage and I was get mad at myself for putting myself through that unhappy life. Thank God I never had children with that unsupportive man.
Kelley Baltierra 2 years ago
Judging by the comments FMIL was making even before this, the OP should have left the guy ...she sounds very passive aggressive
Pat Turner 2 years ago
If FMIL had not made comments about cosmetic surgeries(what's that about) my opinion would be different, but I don't see this being a marriage of equals. You could have sucked it up and tore into fiance,later, , or not, but I really think you could have stayed for awhile, then departed and said, I'll just take that unsatisfactory cake w/ me. But as someone said, it was a bad time to stand up. Designed to make you TAH.
Abbella DiNoto 2 years ago
she literally stated His family never eats her baked goods His mother was hosting the birthday party. It is assumed the host is providing everything, unless specifically requested to bring something. She never should have made a cake. She had to know it would create drama. She still expects fiancé will chose her over his mother. He has already proven that. So poster by definition is in fact insane. Constantly doing the same thing over again, yet somehow expecting different results. Your fiancé is a momma’s boy. You accept him as he is.. since you agreed to marry him or you leave. Period. You know who he is, you know who you are, you know who they are. If you stay and marry him, you choose to continue this craziness, the constant putting your needs aside in order to create drama. He may be a momma’s boy and she may be a monster in law, but are you any better? No? You are a drama queen. Choose you… and find another man and his family that appreciates you and the effort you provide
Jan'ese 2 years ago
Run run run…. His dismissal of his mom’s terrible behavior toward you is the biggest red flag ever! She’ll make your life miserable and your marriage hell. He’s an AH, you better see it now because his mom will surely come first. That’s a battle I would choose not to fight. You MIGHT win- eventually…. But I wouldn’t wait for him to choose me over her.
Trisha Kjellander 2 years ago
Leave n don't look back! NTA not in the least. I'm not sure I'd have held my temper as well as she did. I commend her. I dealt with one of them guys before it's not her loss either. Beautiful woman for the heart she has n put into with that cake n I'd have chosen that homemade over store bought. It's the thought that counts not the $. Mom n bf greedy selfish ppl. Don't marry the jerk or into jerkism. He doesn't care only to plz his mommy he may as well marry mom!
FuzzyThinker 2 years ago
For those who missed it... "For Ben's 31st birthday, his mom wanted to host the party. I decided to bake him his birthday cake and he was thrilled with it. I went grocery shopping, took time off work and put so much effort into making it how he likes it." OP did tell Ben she was making a cake. Not that it would have made a difference but he may not have mentioned that to Mommy Dearest. If he did that would probably have just prompted her to spend more on the cake she purchased. OP notified Ben. If he told FMIL is unknown.
Paula Butler 2 years ago
IMJS- I would’ve made my cake for him and left it at home so we could enjoy it later. My opinion because you already know how she is by the way she even talks to you. Like most of the comments here are he’s showing you that he values his mother than you. Think about the vows you will recite on your wedding day and think about his actions towards you. Do you think he will Honor his vows. The two of you will become one flesh, he will leave his mother and stick to his wife.( Bible quote) Can you honestly say he portrays that now. Have you had a conversation with him to let him know how you feel and why he doesn’t value your feelings but values him mom. Saying that’s how she is not enough. You know what you want to do. Love is blind and you’re blind. How he treats you behind closed doors is the same way in public RESPECT. This will be your life FOREVER with this mother. Put your foot down now or regret it later, His mother will be his mother. His thinking is you have to adjust to her.
Paula Butler 2 years ago
Another idea. The cake was his favorite as you said he knew about it ok when his mom made that remark I would’ve said ok sure Hey kids let’s eat cake and ate his cake in front of him with the kids. Childish maybe but that’s what she said. Especially if it was chocolate most kids like chocolate cake. Sarcastic on my part maybe. LOL but no drama. Could he have said Mom there’s nothing wrong with me having 2 cakes It is My Birthday. IMJS. If he wants you to please her then you’ll have to play her game.
Load More Replies... Sharon Waites 2 years ago
She had every right to do what she did. The level of disrespect is more than I could have taken. If it had only been that one episode that would be different. But the MIL doesn’t value the the fiancé. If the Son can’t step up to his mother he isn’t ready to have a wife even at 30! I know that MIL’s type, just like my SIL. Nothing I do is good enough. She now doesn’t speak to me because someone told her I said bad things about her. Well she & her husband were the only two people at our wedding. I offered to take her shopping and get her a nice dress. But no she could take the time. But she could take the time to go to England to visit people she met on line! So I said I was pissed because it was my day (wedding day) and she wore old jeans and a white t-shirt. I got breast cancer and was lucky enough to get better. Her husband got cancer and died. We went over to the house the afternoon he passed she said I wasn’t welcomed it wasn’t my day! What a total b***h!
Ashleigh-Necol Nichelle 2 years ago
The way I feel about it because my mother in law is the same. She has actually tried to split us up. If he wont stand up to her. Leave him. They knew you was bringing a cake. For him and his birthday not the kids section! Hes always going to cater to mommy. So if he cant pop the t***y out of his mouth and man up then he doesnt deserve you. You shouldnt have to roll with the punches and get thick skin. And you shouldnt have had to stay after the effort you put into doing his cake. I promise you it will only get worse from here. Get out while you can girl!!
Janice Parks 2 years ago
Telling him you were planning to make a surprise cake to take to the party is not the same as telling MIL. He, apparently, didn’t tell her. She seems like a really really rude person. It would be better to not marry into that family.
Michael Olivero 2 years ago
Everyone's a A hole, and here's why. Mom takes the cake for rude behavior. The cake incident aside, her attitude and behavior toward someone her child is engaged to is appalling. Does she treat all her son's partners like this? Still, she is Hosting the party and the cake is her responsibility unless otherwise arranged. Plus the OP said she stopped bringing baked goods because no one ate them, so it's known behavior, not a surprise, and it makes the whole family a bunch of A holes unless her baking is really bad. The BF is the Biggest A hole for not supporting her over Mom. Not just about the cake but Everything . Lose him fast. The icing on the cake is the OP putting up with it for so long and losing it when things go exactly as expected given the history. Could've kept the cake for a private celebration but really, he's REALLY not worth the effort
Gloria Campbell 2 years ago
I read what you said. I think you need to conquer your fears. Sit down with mum, let her know how you feel about the comments she made towards you. You will never find a perfect family.You have a choice to make. Mum is testing you out. To see how you really are. Mum is so use to doing everything for her boys. That's why you need to talk with mum. If you really love Ben. About the cake it's okay to bake one for Ben. But leave it at home next time. Mum was planning the party in the first place. Next time communicating with mum will be helpful. Pray about it first. Family is so special and love. Don't take it to the news first. Keep family affairs to your selves. Communicating is important first take it to them first. Every family is different learned from each other,apologizing, forgiveness, embracing love towards each other. Mum will learn just like you willing to accept each other.
Gloria Campbell 2 years ago
I read everything. I think the mom loves her boys so much. The mom is so use to doing everything for them. You will never find a perfect family. You will need to decide what you want to do. Do you love Ben. Try to talk with mum. Just you and mum. Let mum know how you feel. Believe me communicating is better than not doing anything. I think mum is testing you out. To see how you are really. You will feel better to talk to mum. Mum said she was doing the party for him already, cake included. If you wanted to bake one. Next time check with mum first. I don't think she would mind. But if she does just leave the one that you baked for Ben at home. It's okay. Everyone family is different. Love is very special. We need to come together in love. I hope that you talk with mum work things out. I will be praying for you and your family. You will know what to do.
Jus 2 years ago
MIL may be a witch, but you absolutely don't bring a cake to a party someone hosts without consulting it first. She ruined it for the MIL this time, had no right to expect anything else. She should have baked for the boyfriend at home, thrown a party for their friends. In this situation she's the AH.
Noturmomma 2 years ago
YTA, If someone else is throwing a birthday party and they didn't ask you to bring a cake, then don't. Expect that they already have one.
Marjay Archer 2 years ago
I married a mama's boy. She tried to get between us but I wasn't going to let that happen. I solved it by making mine and MIL's issues between her and I and kicked hubby out of the middle of it. Her and I had a HUGE fight right after Thanksgiving one year. I called her and let her know, that though I appreciated her gesture I really wish she would stay out of my hubby's and my life. I then turned on my hubby and reminded him that he needed to stay out of the fight. That she was his mom, would always be his mom, and he needed to respect her and continue to visit/call her. BUT, he also needed to respect me and not accept her bad mouthing me to him. By Christmas she called me and apologized to me and asked me to please show for Christmas. Our relationship got better after that. She needed to know that I was not taking her "baby" away from her and that I had his best interest at heart. Next time save your cake for a "private" celebration.
Kat Martindale 2 years ago
Do I think the OP was AH? No, not at all. This may just the straw that breaks the camel's back in the relationship. Boyfriend knew she was going to make him a cake. He knew she was taking time to make a special cake for him, taking time out of her daily life to make it just the way he likes it. He let her know that he was thrilled about it. When they got to the party, mommy had a store bought cake, that she paid $XXX amount of money for. Not saying that cake wasn't good but it was made by someone else as a business, not a fiancée's labor of love. This is where the Boyfriend screwed up. Mommy dismissed the homemade cake as not good enough for the adults, just let the kids have it. A good prospective husband would have stood up for his future bride, saying "she made this special for me. I'll have a piece of both or we can take it home to enjoy later." He's not ready to be a husband. He's still trying to please his mommy. It's not just the cake. It's all the other times.
Winnie Brogan Wiggins 2 years ago
I read it a little differently. Yes, the mother said she would host the party. And I have a feeling that if the OP said SHE was going to host the party, this mother would have made her precious son attend the party SHE arranged anyway. Anyway, from the way I read this, it sounded as if both the mother and the OP had discussed the party. The mom said she'd host it & the fiancée said she'd make the cake. So, the mother KNEW that there was going to be a cake for the party. She just wanted to do yet another thing to show her uncouthness and rudeness to this young lady. To me, it sounds as if this fiancé is completely spoiled by his mother! Just another Momma's Boy. And Momma can do no wrong...ever!
Minnie Luedtke 2 years ago
Tha MIL sounds like a nightmare. I would have walked out with the cake I made and I would have called all my girlfriends over to my house to help me eat it while celebrating being single.
Jennifer Lee 2 years ago
The family never eats ANYTHING she cooks... this makes me wonder if she's kind of a trαshy person with a dirty kitchen. I've known people that I would never trust with food. We are missing some details here.
Lily Mae Kitty 2 years ago
ESH. why in the world would she bake a cake and bring it if she wasn't asked to? She's not hosting this party, the mom is. The host gets to pick the menu and if they don't ask you to bring something, you do not bring a food item and expect it to be eaten at the event. This is basic etiquette. The mom is an insulting jerk and the guy is a mama's boy. She should run and he can stay with his mom.
Hobby Hopper 2 years ago
On the surface, this seems like a NTA type of situation, but I have a feeling there could be a lot more to it than we know, and we're only getting one side of the story. If the OP is a totally wacky drama queen, and I'm not saying she is, but *if* she is, then of course she'd sell herself in the best light, selectively telling truths and spinning things to her advantage. For example, did she discuss who would provide the cake ahead of time? She doesn't say. And if she *didn't* have that discussion, why would she assume the MIL wouldn't provide one? We just need more information. Maybe some of the other peoples' perspectives.
Evelyn Witt 2 years ago
I think that both parties are actually equally making poor judgments on this. The young woman who is the fiance of the man whose birthday it is, should have talked to her future mother-in-law. They could have come to some sort of an agreement. I know that the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is not great but when it comes to this person's birthday, there should be some negotiations. The young woman did act like a child when she went home so that is a red flag and how she's going to act once they get married and something doesn't go her way.
Squiddles 2 years ago
I don't wanna blame the victim, but how many times you gonna set yourself up with assholes? You know they're shady, you know your fiancee is a nonconfrontational Weiner. Either you make peace or bounce. Don't do goofy s**t like bring food when they host, you're not getting their approval and...do you even need it? If you like your dude except for this one thing ehhhh what's a visit once in awhile...you can even suddenly have something else to do when they visit. Live petty my friend, if everything else is good.
Felice Coles 2 years ago
ESH. It's ultimately about COMMUNICATION. Everyone has to say, in a civil way, what they are feeling. Just talk, even if it makes people uncomfortable. You know what's even more uncomfortable? Breaking up and divorce.
Cerise Hood 2 years ago
I feel like there should have been discussion beforehand, but the mother sucks for her behavior in the past.
Anonymous Poster 2 years ago
She knew not to bake the cake. She already said that in the past she decided to stop baking them. Yet she went ahead and baked one anyway. That's on her. She already knew how the mom was probably going to react. She was asking for trouble. Her walking away was a d**k move. She knows what she's getting herself into, she needs to either get that boyfriend out of the family or she just needs to leave the relationship. Nothing's going to change his family is the way they are. She needs to accept it and learn how to deal with it or move on. She is the a*****e in this situation. I feel like she wanted to instigate a fight. If she wants to make a cake for her boyfriend privately that would be different. She had already stated that she stopped making cakes and baking stuff for his family specifically because they treat her poorly afterwards. Why would she go through the effort to make a birthday cake unless you wanted to start some type of drama with them? She's asking for the drama.
Cindy Caruso 2 years ago
YTA-. You already know the situation with the family. You should have called the mil to ask if you could bring anything to the party to help out. ( Polite for any event you attend) if you wanted to make him a cake you should have and had it at home to present in private before or after the party. He would have loved it. You did act like a child over something that shouldn't have even been brought. You might want to read up on event and party edict. It will help you. Your only 25 so you might not know that you have to coordinate with the host. This actually had nothing to do with the mil it was your reaction. Your BF should have let you know his mom would already have a cake and suggested you guys have it after the party or have a special private party at a different time. As he knows his mom. If you plan to marry this man. You do need to talk about how you two will handle events with his family. It will help you both if you do better with personal communication.
Charity Milam 2 years ago
There are two sides to this story, I’m certain of it. I’d bet money if the mom had a chance to tell her side of things, we would hear a very different account of this story. There is a reason MIL doesn’t like fiancé, and the cake drama is just the tip of the pot-stirring iceberg.
The Starsong Princess 2 years ago
YTA, at least for this incident. When you bring unsolicited food to someone’s party, they can serve it or not at their discretion. In the mother’s place, I would have served the cake I bought and planned too. Bringing a cake and insisting it be served is a power play and makes me think you are looking for a reason to break with Ben’s family and insist he takes your side.
Anna Snorrepot 2 years ago
She knew this would happen. This is not going to change. Assess if you can live like this. It's OK if you don't want to, you don't need solid arguments to break up, you only need a gut feeling.
Walter Stock 2 years ago
Ben is a mommas boy who will never consider you 1st, you need to ditch him.
James G. Currie 2 years ago
The most mature person in this story? The baker. Since Mamma's Boy won't grow a backbone, she need to drop him!
Michael Torrez 2 years ago
I find that there are a lot of holes involving the information we're getting. The most prominent point though is that this is on the fault of the fiance. Whether or not the mother and his family dislike thefuture wife, whether or not the OP decides to "take a stand" at the right or wrong time, the fiance has heavy influence on how this could have turned out. He had to Every angle; he chose to let it blow up and to be mad at her. 1: having known she was making him a cake, he could have told his mom that his other half would take the reigns on making his favorite cake, still tactfully and lovingly, appreciating his mother's efforts with the rest of the party. 2: if his mother is too overbearing, he could have told his fiance that while he would love her cake, he feels it best that she make it for him and leave it at their own place, for a private birthday between themselves, and that he would only have 1 slice of his mother's cake out of respect for her efforts and that, yes, she's mom.
Edward Gore 2 years ago
Ahh.... I finally figured out why ppl. get on these sites & ask these questions..... To build up their self confidence & justification as to why they react the way they do .... 😉😉😉
Vintage Freak 2 years ago
I'll I can say is RUN! Onthe otherhand, let her spend all she wants when she hosts that way you can save your money honey. If your intention was good move but keep your eyes open in reevaluating whether this is something you want to deal with in the future. He is a momma's boy.
Amy Lecy Rieke 2 years ago
No offense BUT . . . Unless the FMIL was told that her FDIL was bringing a cake it makes perfect sense that the hostess of the birthday party would already have a cake. The special cake could be eaten at home, just the two of them, as a special seperate birthday celebration.
Kristina H.N. 2 years ago
No offense but there seem to be no possibility of having 2 cakes at a birthday, and one of the cakes always needs to be humiliated in front of its maker. Gotha.
Load More Replies... Cornell Sanders 2 years ago
Leave him. If she don't put her foot down now one day she will wish she had. I'm 58 years old and I'm stuck. I'm beginning to move on with my life. Her mother and sister did some much damage to our lives to the point that I'm going to have to accept that it's going to be with me for the rest of my life. Her mother and sister died last year right behind each other. When I were younger I gloated over my enemies defeat, but this time I felt sorry for them than satisfaction. Everyday I wish that I never met them.
Kristy McDole 2 years ago
Hmmm. Why not have both cakes like most people do? Either join the bakery cake on the table on your own accord, or take it home and have it in private. Sounds like your time could be saved in the future by consulting with this particular host. Practice not reacting. Be more assertive with fiance. Mother in law to be sounds like a bully to you. Fiance sounds like he also walks on eggshells, tries to keep the peace with her. However, you are marrying the son not her, and if he treats you well then that's good. You are a young 25 who is learning dynamics of finance's family. In the end, you don't know what's behind these people or know why they behave the way the do, but that you are feeling slighted. Conversations need to be had among the three of you for real..., if things don't change, stop engaging with her. Also, while this is your perspective, they also theirs too.
Bartosz Adamek 2 years ago
I love the fact that every redditor there became relationship specialist after reading a paragraph of text and sayin "Leave him". Bruh if answer to every little bad thing was "leave him/her" there would be no relationships at all. The only based commentors were HolSia and bolivia
Karen Morgan 2 years ago
Relationships take time. A mother's relationship with her son has been built over a long time & it's takes some time to change that. While I don't think it's right that OP was dismissed, that doesn't mean she should leave him. It took my husband, his mom & I several years (close to 6 yrs) to build a good relationship for allowing of us & in still working on my relationshipwith my son's GF. Talk to him & his mom. Set up boundaries & try not to put him in the middle. It's obvious that you both love him & I'm sure you three can work this out :)
Jennifer McCrary 2 years ago
Run.....far and fast!! He's a mammas boy, you will be miserable!!!!
Salisha Odum 2 years ago
I think that she should have kept the cake at home. She knew the mom was handling the party and of course there would already be a cake. The party was her fiance's, not hers She is a big baby and wanted the attention for herself.
Kristina H.N. 2 years ago
And there there was a house with big babies who thought a party can't have 2 cakes, and one haughty b*tch who bought her son's approval. Way to go in regard to trying to get the attention. Maybe he should marry his mother.
Load More Replies... Charity Milam 2 years ago
Another example of millennial “entitlement” and subsequent pitching a fit when you don’t get your way. Sorry, OP walked right into this one, and MIL is the one in the right. OP explains up-front that her fiancé eats her cakes, and that no one else seems to like them. There’s a flag right there. Then, MIL is hosting her son’s birthday party and ORDERS (spends $$) on a cake for the party! Sounds like OP never asked if she could also bring her own cake, which, apparently, no one likes. If OP wanted to make her own cake for her fiancé, she should have served it at home but instead arrived with it, announced, at in-law’s party, then, STORMS OUT of fiancé’s party and accuses THEM of starting drama! Yes, run far, far away from this fiancé and save his mom the future grief!
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