Psychologists say that growing up with both a mother and a father is essential for a person’s development. Yet the statistics show that, in the U.S. alone, around 18.3 million children live without a father: that’s about 1 in 4 kids. Thus, other family members or nannies often have to help mothers raise their children.

And sometimes, these kids bond with their nannies so much that they might want to thank them for all their hard work once they’re grown up. That’s what this woman had in mind when she decided to gift her former nanny a house. However, her estranged father then decided to show up and demand financial help. Hesitant whether turning him down was the right choice, the woman asked others to weigh in.

Bored Panda contacted Karl Melvin, an Irish psychotherapist and family estrangement expert. As well as working with estranged adults of all perspectives, he delivers training to professionals globally on the complexity of family dynamics across multiple generations and the challenges of being estranged from family in contemporary society. His first book, Navigating Family Estrangement, is being published by Routledge and will be available for pre-order on June 7th. Read his expert insights about family estrangement below!

More info: Karl Melvin | Pre-order Navigating Family Estrangement | Instagram | Meta | LinkedIn

Children often love their nannies like second mothers, even when they grow up

Image credits: Karolina Grabowska / pexels (not the actual photo)

But when this woman chose to thank her former nanny by gifting her a house, her estranged father was not happy

Image credits: Pavel Danilyuk / pexels (not the actual photo)

Image credits: Pavel Danilyuk / pexels (not the actual photo)

Image credits: Karolina Grabowska / pexels (not the actual photo)

Image credits: EmotionalFan4852

Reconciliation is a deeply personal choice, family estrangement expert says

Psychotherapist and family estrangement expert Karl Melvin tells Bored Panda that people shouldn’t feel shame for forming stronger bonds with people who aren’t their blood relatives.

“Each bond reflects a complex and dense history shared between people over the course of many years,” he explains. “No one has any right to judge this, and there is no need for shame, as it is just a reflection of the reality of their relationship, irrespective of whether others understand or accept it.”

Other family members may push individuals to reconcile with their estranged parents, just like the siblings in this story. Melvin says that’s partly because of how important family is in our society at large. “Anyone connected to the estranged parties may push for a reconciliation,” he tells Bored Panda.

He points out that family members might do that despite knowing the family history and that it might not work. “Many estranged people feel the need to hold onto the past to mitigate against bowing to any pressure,” he says.

In the end, it’s up to the person to decide whether to reconnect. “A reconciliation is a deeply personal choice,” Melvin says. “A forced or pressurized reconciliation may do more harm than good.”

Reconciliation can also mean different things to people. For some, it’s continuing the old relationship, if there was one. Others expect a genuine effort to reflect on mistakes and work toward creating a more respectful and healthier relationship.

Although the context in this story is lacking, Melvin says that the father possibly cares more about his own needs and feelings. Re-establishing a relationship with his daughter might only come second to him.

The expert says that the daughter should stay true to the reality of the relationship and how it has affected her. “She may also need to be clearer in expressing what she needs from those who struggle to accept her choice,” Melvin says. “And being firm if she feels they are intruding on her autonomy.”

Image credits: SHVETS production / pexels (not the actual photo)

A nanny can become almost like an extended family member

Even when both parents are in the picture, a nanny can create a special bond with a child that lasts a lifetime. You might think of a nanny as just an employee, but the truth is that their relationship with the family can go much deeper.

The Natural Nanny Collective writes that nannies become extended family members. They share the everyday joys and sorrows of their life and are there to witness the most important moments. They claim that the nannies who work in their agency take part in important life events such as graduations and weddings.

Children can become even more attached to live-in nannies. And sometimes, parents might find it difficult to deal with the fact that the child prefers their nanny to them. But that’s not the tragedy most parents imagine it to be. “Children benefit from the love of all the adults in their lives,” parenting coach Sue Atkins writes. “Different caregivers have different gifts to give them in terms of time, patience and interests.”

In this story, the nanny became a closer family member than the estranged father. So it’s natural that the daughter felt the need to take care of the nanny Jane and not the man who was barely in her life. The nanny bond for OP was very strong, regardless of whether the two were related by blood or not.

Image credits: cottonbro studio / pexels (not the actual photo)

The woman also gave more context in the comments

People showed the woman support and said she’s not the bad guy in this situation

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