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Someone Asked Women To Share Uncomfortable Truths About Marriage And 50 Didn’t Hold Back
Despite the plethora of media around getting married, real, honest depictions of regular married life are few and far between. The result is that many things that couples go through are simply never portrayed, which leads to skewed perceptions among newlyweds.
So someone asked women “What are some brutal marriage truths that are not commonly mentioned?” and folks from across the internet gave their best answers. So get comfortable, perhaps consider taking notes, and scroll through. Be sure to upvote your favorite examples and comment your thoughts and experiences below.
Image credits: Zealousideal-Tale488
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#1
Pregnancy and childbirth are horrendous on a woman's body and are often used by abusers as a control tactic to make harder for her to leave. Honestly girls, if he's pushing you to get a bun in the oven earlier than you would like to, think about what other controlling behaviour you might be brushing off or excusing.
Stephanie Did It 1 year ago
Then after pregnancy, many controlling men are brutally critical of the changes to her body, and often use that as an excuse for neglect or infidelity
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#2
You'll never love *everything* about your partner. There will be things that annoy you and vice versa.
#3
You can throw 100% of yourself into trying to make your marriage work, but if your partner doesn’t contribute or contribute ENOUGH, your marriage can still fail. Your very best isn’t enough to ensure a long and happy relationship—it takes two.
#4
Wives are more likely to get left by their husbands when diagnosed with terminal or seriously life altering illness. Self reported reasons include “I don’t want to take care of her for the rest of my life”, “I have needs she wont be able to meet while sick”, and “I don’t want to go broke paying for all her medical bills.”
#5
That it’s extremely easy to fall into a routine of being more like roommates. And it happens without you really even noticing; then it’s too late.
StrangeOne 1 year ago
If you think of it as a problem that you each need space time to time, then it will be a cause of resentment. Resentment is a fast growing rot in relationships. Just acknowledge you're both still separate people who need separate time with yourselves. Marriage doesn't mean you have to be attached to the hip forever.
#6
As people age they change. So do their values, desires and needs over time. People mature and get to know themselves. What they need and now what they need 10 years down the line might be different.
You have to KEEP getting to know and KEEP learning about your spouse over time.
#7
My dear friends husband who seemed like a good person really showed his true colors after her cancer diagnosis. He was all me me me, even when he took her to chemo, stayed and carried on bleating about how tough it was for him to cope. It got so bad the nurses told him to stop coming. He then took to Facebook and did it there, blaming her for abandoning him. He complained about no sex after her kidney was removed and it spread to her bones,breasts and liver. She divorced him and went on to live 5 more years after her terminal diagnosis. 5 glorious years filled with the love of her family and devoted friends. He was vilified for the narcissistic a*hole he was, retired early and disappeared from our company. A real prince among men.
Courtney Christelle 1 year ago
Your wife’s body is breaking down from the inside out and all you can think about is your p*nis. Hope he never had sex again.
#8
I had a friend who divorced her husband because he changed his mind about kids. Neither of them wanted kids, but one day he decided he did. She told me “he changed his mind, and that’s okay.” It was unfortunate but she was not bitter about it. She knew that sometimes people just change and that’s no one’s fault. Impressed me a lot. I should find out who her therapist is lol
Kathleen McGann 1 year ago
Good that he didn't try to talk her into it. He respected her choice.
#9
Keep in mind you’re also choosing the father of your children. They can’t help what they’re born into, you can.
#10
More commitment will not make your partner change for the better. Don't marry for potential.
StrangeOne 1 year ago
This gives me a whole new perspective. Your partner shouldn't have to change or try harder, and neither should you, just because they're displeased with something you want to do for yourself, or see no issue with. Like, when your partner is dealing with something in their own personal life, so they're more distant than usual. But you take it personally and think they're pulling away from you, or being flaky and then you give them a long lecture about what you need them to do more for you to feel more secure in the relationship. This is a common issue in the early stages and especially before marriage. Work on bettering yourself before you commit. Don't lean on your partner for security as if it's their job to make you happy.
#11
When I was married I had to have my gallbladder removed. My ex came up with every excuse under the sun not to see me in hospital, they ranged from “hospitals make me feel uncomfortable to I will be all dirty after work” (umm go home and shower, then come visit me maybe)
Had my surgery on a Friday and was discharged on Saturday, he refused to come and pick me up, sent my elderly neighbour to do it, when I arrived he told me that he hadn’t eaten since Friday and that the animals hadn’t been fed either, so I had to take care of those things, and he’s still unaware of why I left him
#13
Marrying a woman who already had 3 kids from her previous ex husband all under 8 years old and you don't want those kids just the mum. We know you both didn't want us. And kicking each kid out at 17 because you don't want them around has a profound impact on kids. I am that kid. Now you're both 70 and sat wondering why 3 kids and their family's want nothing to do with you. Go figure!
Outgraygeous 1 year ago
Big hug! So sorry your mom and her husband made you all feel this way. (Unfortunately, too many of us can relate.)
#14
You will not like your spouse every single day. There may be days where you actively dislike your spouse. And that’s normal.
Note: I’m not talking about abusive situations, more adding some reality to typical marriages.
#15
I'm 48 and I've been married 2x. I divorced them both for being c****y, creating more work for me and dragging me down to their sub-par levels. Should I have "picked better"? What am I, a pre-cog? What I've learned is men get married to sink into their depths of slovenliness and have a woman clean up after them, pay half of the bills, give them children for them to ignore, make a nice house for their egos and provide regular sex. So - it's pretty hard to understand all of that up front since they are pretty good at hiding their true intentions and tbh, I don't think most of them do it maliciously. I think that's what they think the price of a pretty ring earns them :). A couple of things they don't mention about marriage: - Men do not think anything domestic is their job. Cleaning, dishes, kids, etc. Not. Their. Job. So - if they do ONE thing domestically related, they think they do EVERYTHING. They also strongly think that mowing the lawn once a week is the exact same as doing all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, childcare, etc etc. Every single newlywed couple needs to get a housekeeper if you even hope to remain in love with your husband. I don't care what it costs. Don't go out to eat - get a housekeeper. Hell, have only one car lol. Otherwise don't get married. You will hate your life and hate him - because you will be doing everything and he will be playing COD. - Men CAN "see the mess". If he were a king, he would for sure instruct a servant to clean. But, he claims not to see it. He claims that your standards are "too high". He will "do it later". He wants you to "give him a list". BS. He is LAZY and he thinks housework is woman's work. And when he got a wife it's because he was tired of cleaning his own place while you were dating. - Celebrate Christmas? Expect to do it all (as a mom/wife). Don't expect your stocking to be full. SNL even made a skit about it. - If you go on a girls trip, you will come home to a trashed house. - "JUST COMMUNICATE" is total, utter bs. You cannot communicate with someone who isn't listening/understanding. You can talk till you are blue in the face. Many men don't even see women as EQUAL RATIONAL HUMAN BEINGS. Let that sink in. Why would they listen to you? - Always have separate money. NEVER give over your paycheck. You can co-mingle for the joint bills but keep some for yourself and kids. - Men get married when they figure it's time. Sure they love you but it's not at all the same as how you feel about it. Am I bitter? Nah. Disappointed? Kinda. Salty? YES. AMA.
Stephanie Did It 1 year ago
Every woman contemplating marriage should read this and it's very well written. 100% true. Women think of romance and dream of "being taken care of." Men want mommies with benefits.
#16
Having children usually doesn’t make your marriage better
Vinny DaPooh 1 year ago
If your marriage is falling apart now, getting much less sleep and having a really loud and demanding roommate move in isn't going to fix it. Having to listen to Baby Shark 83 times in a row will put the happiest of marriages to the test never mind one that's on the rocks
#17
Ending a marriage in divorce does not mean the marriage is a failure.
I see too many people believing the length of a marriage is equal to its success. But in my opinion, the success is based on the love between the two people.
My husband is my best friend. I intend to be with him for the rest of my life but I would rather leave him and still love him, than stay married while hating him.
StrangeOne 1 year ago
There's always going to be bumps in the road. A success marriage in my mind is when 2 people love each other years down the line as much, or even more than, as they did when they got married. So many couples stayed in terrible marriages for fear of being shamed by their families and friends.
#18
That all the little red flags and small mistakes over the years really do add up and make a diffrence in the long term.
Stephanie Did It 1 year ago
It's not "keeping score." It's the repeatedly disappointing or thoughtless behavior that causes our expectations to become lower and erodes the relationship like a grindstone.
#19
Waiting for marriage to have sex *is* a valid choice. And there are (or can be) good reasons to wait. But what's often promised is a happy and lasting marriage, and/or an *amazing* sex life if you wait (and misery and divorce if you don't). Neither marriage nor human sexuality work that way. A happy marriage and a great sex life take *work* from both parties involved to cultivate, and they're not some divine or karmic reward for playing by the rules.
EarthGrowl 1 year ago
Would you buy a car without test diving it? Waiting is just a relic to prevent unwanted pregnancies in the days before birth control. Attitudes about sex being naughty or bad is what leads to sexual repression and that certainly will ruin your sex life.
#20
Being a stay at home partner is really risky and can easily lead to you being abused in some way. You don’t have any income and completely depend on the other partner.
#21
Marriage is as much a business relationship as it is a romantic one. If you wouldn't start a business with someone, you may want to think twice about marrying them. And if you do get married, please stay financially separated and independent.
StrangeOne 1 year ago (edited)
It's okay to set up a hidden savings account. I recommend it. Don't tell your partner. It should be an emergency get-away account that you only access when you're through with the marriage and need to separate. Not a get-out-debt fund while you're with your spouse. Nah, you hold on to those funds. If your marriage ends up lasting until you die you can use those funds as inheritance for the next family member who could use an emergency get-away fund with the same instructions and allow them to invest in it, as well, and encourage them to hand it down the same if they don't need it.
#22
No matter how evolved your man is, it's rarely ever going to be a 50/50 split of effort in the marriage. More often than not, the woman puts in more work
#23
I haven't seen pets yet. If you and your partner do not agree on pets, you're going to have a bad time. I love a house hold of pets, husband does not. Fights have ensued.
LakotaWolf (she/her) 1 year ago
My boyfriend was not an animal person. I am. I had a cat and a German Shepherd when he met me. Now, 23 years later, we have two cats and two dogs together. XD
#24
I have many friends who divorced because they weren't happy. Only to still be unhappy after the divorce. I want to tell people: work on yourself before placing blame on your spouse. Unfortunately many people have the mindset if they are unhappy it must be due to the person they are with.
Data1001 1 year ago
Or, hear me out... it can take a lot of time to recover after getting out of a bad situation. Yes, definitely work on yourself, but don't feel like everything is going to be sunshine and unicorns right away. Depending on how long you were unhappy in the relationship, and how deep that unhappiness was, it might take a few years for you to feel normal again.
#25
According to a study, 25 months after a spouse's death 61% of men and 19% of women were either remarried or involved in a new romance. Women expressed more negative feelings about forming new romantic relationships.
I also read that by remarrying, men are more likely to basically repair the mental damage caused by their spouse’s death, but the same can not be said for women.
#26
If you’re not on the same page in terms of financial behaviors (not beliefs, behaviors) it will be extra hard if not impossible to achieve your goals
People change and there’s no way knowing in which direction
#27
Marriages have peaks and valleys. You'll go through phases where you can't stand each other.
Stephanie Did It 1 year ago
That is why couples must be friends first and lovers second. The passion will fade but if you have friendship, you can still work to get through things together.
#28
As much as you love your spouse you will seriously want to leave their a*s sometimes!!
Mrs Irish Mom 1 year ago
If i feel like this i go stay in a friends house and find i miss him and am excited to get home to see him
#29
Love is a choice, not a feeling. Getting married means promising to make that choice for the rest of your life and too many people don’t realise that, instead giving up when they don’t feel the fire anymore.
censorshipsucks 1 year ago
no it's not a choice (I dont' believe in being able to choose to love), but it is about work. You have to think about each day whether you want to keep the relationship and if the answer is 'yes'. then work on it.
#30
Thermostat wars are real
Blanket wars are real
Deciding where to eat wars are real
Backseat driving wars are real
Courtney Christelle 1 year ago
A friend of mine and her husband have separate blankets on their bed. They can still cuddle but don’t fight over blankets.
#31
Marriage is not 50/50.
Sometimes it’s 30/70, 80/20, 1/99.
#32
There are some things that make the two of you fundamentally incompatible, and these things likely cannot be compromised on. Love is not enough
#33
My biggest lesson has been that the same "fix it" mentality that helps me so well in the workplace where we identify a problem and brainstorm solutions fails horribly in a romantic relationship.
First, I need to connect with my partner and we need to talk about what we appreciate about one another and get into this appreciative, tender space. THEN we can tackle whatever the problem is, collaboratively.
#34
You may HATE their family
EarthGrowl 1 year ago
After my MIL died, I felt like a massive weight had been lifted off my shoulders. She was an Evangelical Southern Baptist that dropped out of school in 9th grade and thought the Bible was the only book anyone would ever need.
#35
Marriage is most often an antiquated concept. It locks women into a systems that devalues their work, their worth and their autonomy. I had the notion that there was a higher purpose in a marriage, like a different level of commitment would expand my concept of love (even though I was previously pretty suspicious of marriage). It was not. It seemed like a inescapable burden.
Not crapping on those in happy marriages. It’s just the concept of the institution that I have problems with.
Sky Render 1 year ago
This is why gay marriage offends the conservatives, I suspect. There's no implied "ownership" going on there, just two people who love each other symbolically linking their lives together. Ironically that devotion to love seems to be what upsets them the most!
#36
That the more intimately you know someone, the more likely they are to hurt your soul.
#38
If you haven't healed from your childhood trauma you will bring old unhealthy patterns, habits, behaviors, and cycles into your marriage. Marriage is a commitment to wake up everyday and try to make it work no matter how hard. If even one person stops trying, the Marriage will slowly deteriorate.
StrangeOne 1 year ago
Thing is, childhood trauma may not ever be healed in a person's lifetime. Childhood really is a foundational base to one's entire existence.
#39
In many cases you're adopting an adult baby, and expected to roll your eyes good naturedly at his incompetence. His bad moods require your patience, your bad moods are hormonal or typical female hysteria.
censorshipsucks 1 year ago
yep. Do not adopt adult babies. At the first date ask him if he can cook and clean ... and tell him you expect a 50/50 share on that.
#40
Think about the worst things that can befall a married couple/family: infidelity, death of a child, severe illness, disability, job loss, bankruptcy, etc. More than one of these will happen over the course of your marriage. Do you see your partner managing them, what about you?
Outgraygeous 1 year ago
I get what OP is saying here but, unfortunately, you can't predict anyone's response to tragedy, including your own.
#42
I don't think there are any about marriage itself.
People often discuss all the negatives and problems they see about marriage or experience in their own marriages, but those aren't actually "truths" about marriage as a whole. Each marriage is different. A "brutal truth" you see in your marriage or the marriages of others is all based on your personal perception and your personal experiences rather than "marriage" as a concept.
Marriage is a legal agreement, so the only "brutal truths" are the ones legally built into marriage. If you choose a religious marriage, you may be opting into other "brutal truths" as part of that religious agreement. Other than that, you and your partner make your own truths in your own marriage - no matter how brutal you choose to make them.
Lila Allen 10 months ago
A lot of the time it isn't that one person was bad it's just that they aren't a match. You see this a lot in people that had a negative first marriage and then they divorce and each of them finds a partner and has a great marriage. Neither of them were the bad guy they just had incompatible ways of being.
#43
What truth would I like to pass on? That finances can become a real straining point in any marriage, regardless of income level.
My marriage didn't last and the only thing I remember that we ever fought about was money.
Be open about financial concerns and goals. TALK a lot about things, good and bad and make plans (*and be willing to compromise and revise those plans*) **together**. If I'm ever married again, that's what I will ask that we do as a couple.
#44
Once you get married, people just want to know when you are gonna have kids. They will ask from the day you get married.
StrangeOne 1 year ago
I think some people ask in a good-natured, joking way. I pale to see the humour. People should just mind their own business. They might as well ask when you're going to have sex.
#45
IMO marriage doesn't have many benefits to women. The men, sure. The women, not so much.
Black Cat 1 year ago
Marriage doesn't benefit women anymore as women are no longer financially dependant on men. Now that women can be financially independent they don't need men at all, except if they want to get pregnant, and then they only need him for a few minutes. Men are sexually dependent on women though and many also don't have basic life skills. Bottom line is in today's world men need women more than women need men. If you're a financially independent woman, marriage doesn't have much to recommend it. Bear in mind too that men tend not to be as emotionally supportive towards their wives as women are to their husbands so wives don't even have that.
#46
Married men are happier than single men.
There’s no difference in the happiness levels between married women and single women.
Katrina Nixon 1 year ago
Because married men tend to have a lot of things done for them by their partners and this leads to less stress which in turn, leads to happiness ! Married and single women have the same amount of stuff to do, usually with no or minimal help.
#48
Your spouse and your kids might not get along, and you might have to choose.
Stephanie Did It 1 year ago
Choose your children. It will be the basis for your relationship with them for the rest of your lives.
#49
Women in their 30’s hit a high streak in libido and your husband will become the one suddenly too tired for sex
#50
The most common thing I think is no one is really at fault. Both parties are at fault for something he or she did. It’s a group effort. No one person made the other person “do” something that caused things to go wrong.
StrangeOne 1 year ago
This is dicey. If a spouse is in an alcoholic rage, picks random fights about no real issue other than just finding something to shout about, how would that be the other's fault? How is it the fault of millions of abused spouses for being hurt in that way?
What do you think ?
Mimi M 1 year ago
The foundation of a relationship is not love. And it sure as hell is not 'communication'. It is respect.
Auntie Panda 2 months ago
Respect will bring the ability and desire to communicate, and maybe just maybe, thelove
Load More Replies...
Brainmas 1 year ago
I am very fortunate that I have the husband I do. My advice is don't lose yourself to your marriage. Keep your hobbies, keep your friends. Do things together and apart. Marriage needs trust, and if you can't trust each other out in the world, it's not going to work. You and your partner shouldn't be completely dependent on each other for entertainment and moral support. My husband is my friend and more, but he's not my "best friend" in that way, he's something different. You will get annoyed at each other, and it's good to have a 3rd party to talk to. You don't have to have all the same interests all the time and you shouldn't force each other into activities they don't like, though it's a good idea to at least try the thing the other person likes.
Mimi M 1 year ago
The foundation of a relationship is not love. And it sure as hell is not 'communication'. It is respect.
Auntie Panda 2 months ago
Respect will bring the ability and desire to communicate, and maybe just maybe, thelove
Load More Replies... Brainmas 1 year ago
I am very fortunate that I have the husband I do. My advice is don't lose yourself to your marriage. Keep your hobbies, keep your friends. Do things together and apart. Marriage needs trust, and if you can't trust each other out in the world, it's not going to work. You and your partner shouldn't be completely dependent on each other for entertainment and moral support. My husband is my friend and more, but he's not my "best friend" in that way, he's something different. You will get annoyed at each other, and it's good to have a 3rd party to talk to. You don't have to have all the same interests all the time and you shouldn't force each other into activities they don't like, though it's a good idea to at least try the thing the other person likes.
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