It is a thoroughly awful feeling when you realize that someone doesn’t think you’re a good enough parent. Sure, plenty of folks have very different approaches to raising their kids. But you’d at least expect your nearest and dearest family members to have your back. When they don’t trust you at all, however, there’s a lot of room for tension.

A redditor turned to the AITA community for their verdict on whether or not she was wrong to forbid her brother and sister-in-law from seeing her 4-year-old daughter. Everything came to a head after they babysat while she was ill and decided not only to throw out her medicine, but also her clothes. Read on for the full story, in the OP’s own words, as well as to see how the internet reacted to such a strange turn of events.

It can be incredibly difficult for recovering parents to rebuild a sense of trust among their family members

Image credits: Andrea Piacquadio (not the actual photo)

A mom, who had been sober for 2 years at the time, shared what finally made her forbid her brother and sister-in-law from seeing her daughter again

Everything started when the girl fell ill while the mom was busy with school. She asked the couple to babysit their niece

When the woman came back home, she was shocked to realize what her brother and SIL had done

Image credits: Sean Freese (not the actual photo)

Image credits: u/aitastomachflu

Unfortunately, the post author’s account got suspended by Reddit for an unknown reason, so we were unable to reach out to her. In her post, the redditor explains that she recently got sober. For a time, her brother and sister-in-law were the ones to take care of her daughter.

However, after getting sober, the OP felt like the two of them resented her for taking her child back from them. What’s more, they’ve even contacted Child Protective Services a number of times explaining that they don’t trust her. It appears that the couple feels like they know what’s best for the OP’s daughter.

This led to a very strange situation some time ago. The author of the post had asked her brother and SIL to babysit her daughter while she had school-related matters to attend to. At the time, the girl had caught a nasty stomach bug and had some medicine prescribed for her.

When the mom got back home, she found that her relatives had thrown out her daughter’s medicine, as well as… her clothes.

“They also felt her clothes weren’t good enough for her so they gave it to their neighbor for their garage sale and bought her new clothes, meaning they most likely took her shopping when she was sick and should’ve been resting,” the redditor writes. She then decided that she and her daughter would no longer be visiting them. She also revealed on Reddit that she had plans to move far, far away.

Bored Panda reached out to Kenny Dunn, an alcoholic in recovery who has been sober for over 6 years, for a few insights about regaining trust and establishing healthy boundaries. He was kind enough to share his thoughts on the situation, based on his personal experience. Kenny has been consistently documenting his sobriety and we’ve featured his journey on Bored Panda before.

“When I first got sober my family took it with a degree of skepticism. I had ‘sobered up’ many times, with and without a solemn oath. With that, there were many relapses and broken promises. While this upset me at first I had to come to accept that I had spent the last few years breaking their hearts. They were right to be skeptical,” he told us.

“The family of the alcoholic and/or addict is often used to being disappointed. My first six months, I was going to a meeting almost every day and I was frequently spending time with people in long-term recovery who were helping me learn how to live this new life. It wasn’t until I was deep into my first year that my family could see that I meant business because they themselves had witnessed the true change in my behavior and my commitment to change. When my family began truly seeing that I put their needs first for a change, we were all able to heal together,” Kenny explained that time and consistent effort helped rebuild that sense of trust.

We were also interested in getting Kenny’s take on establishing healthy boundaries between someone who’s a recovering alcoholic and their family members, when it comes to parenting decisions. He said that this is a difficult area to comment on.

“It takes a lot of questionable behavior from the alcoholic/addict in order for the courts to step in and have someone be the guardian of their kids. As a recovering alcoholic, I was taught very early on that I needed to accept the things that I had done while I was drinking for what they were, to correct those things if I could, and to make an honest effort to not do those things again,” he said.

“Having said that, I am the parent of my child and I am the one who makes decisions about their well-being. If I had been in this situation I would have reached out to other alcoholics for advice. It’s likely they would say to me something to the effect of ‘yes and you had your child taken away because you were a drunk and a horrible parent, they had to raise your child for you because of your behavior, of course, they think they know better than you.'”

Kenny explained that, at that point, it would be best for the recovering alcoholic from the Reddit post to have a “frank and open discussion” with her brother and sister-in-law. “We would first talk about the fact that yes, I certainly went through a time period where I was a bad parent and they rose to the occasion when I couldn’t do it myself. But as a parent in recovery, I need a degree of respect and honor that I am now able to parent my child effectively and without intervention. If you have a problem with my parenting style I am open to hearing your thoughts and moving forward from there,” he explained how he would approach things.

“We alcoholics/addicts must keep in mind that in the days when we were using and not in control, other people often had to step in and look after us and our families. Simply being clean/sober doesn’t automatically absolve us from our previous behavior. In order to be an effective parent in recovery I had to take this reality to heart and it has served me well.”

The mom shared some more information in the comments of her post

It’s absolutely clear that the couple doesn’t trust the mom, who wrote the Reddit post, to do anything right. Good intentions? Perhaps. Demeaning approach? Definitely. Ulterior motives? Maybe. Many members of the AITA community who read the story felt like the brother and SIL were trying to sabotage the mom’s recovery and relationship with her child. Some others speculated that the couple might even have been doing this to regain custody of the girl.

Setting clear boundaries with the people you love and who care about you is rarely fun. However, it’s absolutely essential for the sake of happy and healthy relationships. And it all starts with a calm but honest conversation about how someone’s behavior makes you feel and why you need them to respect you just as much as you respect them.

Try to see their point of view. Hear them out. Try to look for compromises. But at the end of the day, you have to be direct and assertive about what the relationship needs to look like going forward. Someone who constantly ignores your boundaries does not respect you, even if they (probably) have good intentions. If things aren’t moving forward, consider talking to a therapist—whether personally or in a group. It’s not a sign of weakness to ask for advice.

What did you think of the story, dear Pandas? Who do you think was in the wrong? What would you have done if you were in the mom’s shoes? How do you think the mom and her daughter are doing right now? Share your thoughts in the comments.

Here’s how some other readers reacted to the intense situation

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