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Woman Can’t Understand Why She Doesn’t Like BIL, He Gives Her A Perfect Reason At Family Dinner
Interview With Expert
Many families usually have traditions. Some go camping together, others have weekly movie nights, and some even take family vacations. This big family had the tradition of coming together for a family dinner at their father’s house, with rules about who gets served first.
But a new member of the family didn’t like this tradition. He believed the men should get their meals first, causing a huge family fight. The elder sister felt guilty for possibly contributing to this fight, so she went online to ask folks whether she did the right thing.
To know more about the importance of family traditions, Bored Panda sought the expertise of Dr. Darcy Lockman, Ph.D., clinical psychologist and author of All the Rage: Mothers, Fathers, and the Myth of Equal Partnership. You will find her expert insights below!
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Family traditions are important; they bring people together and build stronger relationships
Image credits: AnnaStills / envatoelements (not the actual photo)
New family members, however, can sometimes disrupt those traditions
Image credits: zamrznutitonovi / envatoelements (not the actual photo)
Image credits: RareSubstance2543
Family traditions and rituals are important, and new additions to a family should respect them
Image credits: biasciolialessandro / envatoelements (not the actual photo)
Having a big family can be a blessing: you always have someone to count on and are always part of a big tribe. However, there are also disadvantages. Where there are many people, there are many opinions, about everything. Family traditions included.
Yet, having some family routines and traditions is important. “Human beings need to feel seen and loved,” Darcy Lockman, Ph.D. and author of “All the Rage: Mothers, Fathers, and the Myth of Equal Partnership”, told Bored Panda.
A tradition to gather around for a family dinner at the grandpa’s table can be an important one. “When you sit down over a meal, you are dedicating time to knowing and seeing your kids, and that is so important to their emotional well-being,” Dr. Lockman adds.
In families, there might be a long-standing way of doing things that each family member accepts. But when a new family member, like a brother-in-law, gets introduced, they might question those routines and their significance.
Dr. Lockman says that it all comes down to respecting the values of other people. If people can’t respect the values of others, there’s bound to be fighting. “I think in a family where people practice mutual respect, they can respectfully accept different standards in different homes,” Dr. Darcy Lockman told Bored Panda.
Newcomer in-laws can respect their new family’s traditions and try to learn something new
Image credits: nd3000 / envatoelements (not the actual photo)
Joining a big family as an in-law can seem daunting. Mental health therapist Heather from The Seacoast Moms shared her experience as a newbie in-law of a big family, saying that they can often come with intense confrontations, dramatic interactions, and overstimulating gatherings.
However, that doesn’t mean that it’s all bad being a new in-law in a huge family. Heather writes that it’s important to look for the good in all family members. While this may apply particularly to the in-laws you don’t get on with well, it’s still a good general rule.
Also, she recommends not taking things personally. The family might talk about you in good and bad terms. What’s important, according to Heather, is to take it all in with grace. “Good or bad, family will talk,” she writes. “How you internalize what is said is entirely up to you.”
That’s why it’s important to pick and choose your battles. Confrontations are inevitable. It’s best to recognize that not every battle is for you as an in-law.
When the new in-law is a united front with their spouse, tackling delicate issues might be easier. From what the author wrote about this story, it doesn’t seem the brother-in-law’s wife was on the same page, so perhaps that’s why his comment felt so out of place.
Some commenters pointed out that the brother-in-law might come from a different culture and that in his family, serving the men first was a tradition. However, when coming as new in-laws into a big family, people shouldn’t force their family’s rituals on them.
“Instead of focusing on your differences with disdain, take a step back and recognize how different family cultures bring spice and insights into the mix,” Heather writes for The Seacoast Moms.
Many people in the comments sided with the author and the head of the family
Others cautioned to consider cultural differences: perhaps the BIL grew up in a family where serving the men first was the norm
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What do you think ?
Traveling Lady Railfan 2 months ago
"In this family, Dan, the children are served first. But since you're obviously a big whiny baby...here's your meal. Oh, and your seat is at the kiddie table"
The Other Guest 2 months ago
Perhaps, as others have mentioned, Dan is from a family/culture where the men were served first. However, since he is (allegedly) a grown-ass adult, he should a) know that not every family/culture is the same and b) be able to figure out by observation that "his way" isn't the norm in that household. Mentioning the difference is OK if done in a "huh, isn't that interesting?" sort of way; having a hissy fit & arguing with the host(s) is not.
Ash 2 months ago
Agreed. and in cultures where the men are served first, there is generally also a pretty strong rule that the family patriarch is respected, ESPECIALLY when he's the host. Dan argued with him. Dan's definitely just an AH.
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Janelle Collard 2 months ago
Doesn't seem like Dan's ever been around hungry kids. Of course you feed them first! Or, OP could've given Dan a Snickers cuz "you're not you when you're hungry." ;)
Rachel Hendricks 2 months ago
Well, I'm not sure I'd give him anything but a chocolate covered mess that might resemble a dog turd. He needed putting in his place, hope they keep him as low man in the rankings until he grows up and gets his bs alpha male attitude checked.
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Traveling Lady Railfan 2 months ago
"In this family, Dan, the children are served first. But since you're obviously a big whiny baby...here's your meal. Oh, and your seat is at the kiddie table"
The Other Guest 2 months ago
Perhaps, as others have mentioned, Dan is from a family/culture where the men were served first. However, since he is (allegedly) a grown-ass adult, he should a) know that not every family/culture is the same and b) be able to figure out by observation that "his way" isn't the norm in that household. Mentioning the difference is OK if done in a "huh, isn't that interesting?" sort of way; having a hissy fit & arguing with the host(s) is not.
Ash 2 months ago
Agreed. and in cultures where the men are served first, there is generally also a pretty strong rule that the family patriarch is respected, ESPECIALLY when he's the host. Dan argued with him. Dan's definitely just an AH.
Load More Replies... Janelle Collard 2 months ago
Doesn't seem like Dan's ever been around hungry kids. Of course you feed them first! Or, OP could've given Dan a Snickers cuz "you're not you when you're hungry." ;)
Rachel Hendricks 2 months ago
Well, I'm not sure I'd give him anything but a chocolate covered mess that might resemble a dog turd. He needed putting in his place, hope they keep him as low man in the rankings until he grows up and gets his bs alpha male attitude checked.
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