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Probably the most important thing we can do in life is grow a thriving social network of people we deeply care for and can depend on. However, relationships and friendships need to be nurtured—they won’t survive on their own. While many people have taken this to heart, unfortunately, some folks forget this and walk away from friendships, which can lead to loneliness and social isolation. Meanwhile, others can find it difficult to connect with others due to chronic pain or other issues.
The members of the r/Millennials online community recently opened up about a very sensitive topic. They revealed their personal experiences about how much meaner their parents have begun acting as they age. You’ll find their candid stories, about these and opposite experiences, as you read on.
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#1
I think one thing we don’t acknowledge is many older people are in constant pain of some sort.
Arthritis, gout, muscle pains and aches, etc.
I’m not saying it’s an excuse, but when you’re in chronic pain it’s hard to be chipper and cheerful. People who can be in constant pain and still be nice are extraordinary humans.
I’ve found most grouchy old people are actually in lots of pain, and aren’t necessarily evil or bad people.
Tamra 9 months ago
This is a valid point. And it's not just the chronic pain or illness. It's facing your mortality. It's knowing you have more time behind you than ahead of you. It's seeing friends, acquaintances and loved ones dying, and knowing your time is coming sooner rather than later. It's the mental and physical exhaustion that comes from living an entire life, seeing the world change around you, often in ways that are unpleasant or unfathomable.
As we age, it becomes increasingly more important that we take care of our physical health. Aside from having an active social life, we ought to focus on getting enough movement throughout the week.
The CDC recommends that adults who are 65 and over do 150 minutes of moderate-intensity aerobic activity, e.g. brisk walking 30 minutes per day, 5 days per week. Alternatively, you can go for 75 minutes of vigorous-intensity aerobic activity. This includes awesome activities like hiking, jogging, or running.
On top of that, seniors should spend at least 2 days per week strengthening their muscles.
#2
For all the talk they make about "We didn't have all these screens when we were your age," I think social media is wreaking havoc on the older generation as much as the younger.
#3
I haven’t experienced that. I work with the geriatric population & can tell you that personality changes like this can be signs of developing dementia.
Shine Chisholm (they/ them) 9 months ago
My dad has dementia and he has definitely gotten meaner as it has progressed. He becomes less self aware and more stuck in whatever idea he's obsessing over at the time
Research has unequivocally shown how vital it is to have a thriving social life. An 80-year Harvard study, currently run by Dr. Robert Waldinger, has shown that the foundations of leading a good, long, and happy life are made up of our close relationships and social connections.
To put it simply, our positive relationships act like a buffer from whatever stress life throws our way. This leads to better overall health, helps reduce our cognitive decline, and affords us better protection against diabetes, arthritis, and other chronic conditions. Aside from making us feel good and making life feel meaningful, our relationships have a very direct impact on our health.
#5
My Silent Gen mom gets meaner and more passive aggressive by the day. She’s angry and social media keeps her raging, afraid, and marinating in conspiracy theories. I rue the day I ever got her an iPad and set up a FB account. It’s utterly tragic.
Alexandra 9 months ago
It is. Your mother has, through her iPad and FB account, been confronted with a world that is so vastly different from the one she thought she lived in, that's she's afraid and doesn't understand the world anymore and she is trying to make sense of it to get a handle on the madness the Internet presents us with. She has opened Pandora's Box.
#6
Having a 24hour news agency tell them how much they should be outraged about everything makes for bad company. MAGA brain rot is something that will be studied for a while assuming we don’t go all Fury Road in the next couple years.
Powerful Katrinka 9 months ago
My mom started watching Fox “News” right at the beginning of Obama’s first term. She was a very, very intelligent woman who had always supported progressive policies. Within months, I could no longer talk to her. Her rightwing intransigence damaged our relationship beyond repair.
According to Dr. Waldinger, people must be proactive when it comes to their social lives, instead of letting their friendships ‘happen.’ “The people who were most successful at this didn’t just leave it to chance,” he said that folks ought to nurture their relationships in person.
Failing to do so has a deeply negative impact on people’s quality of life. This is why we have to take care of our friendships.
The CDC reports that social isolation and loneliness increase the risk of heart disease, stroke, type 2 diabetes, depression, anxiety, addiction, dementia, and self-harm.
#7
I work in retail and see this all the time with boomers. They’re all reasonably nice people for the exception of some. But what's really interesting is the commonality they share when it comes to something not going exactly right. Unlike other generations, every single one of them have this tendency to get super flustered like it's the end of the world if there's a minor price difference or if their coupon isn't eligible.
And what's shocking is that both my parents are exactly the same. Totally chill and great to be around...until something doesn't go according to plan. That's when the stress kicks in and everything falls apart. It's like some weird autistic thing.
My take, though? It's the erosion of Western civilization that has them all worked up. I mean, think about it. In their entire lives, every year was always better than the last, especially when it came to retail service. But somewhere along the line, we peaked and now we're falling and this is reflected in the quality of service you see in retail. They grew up expecting a certain quality of life overall and now they're experiencing faults left and right but because they’re experiencing this at an older age, it's much harder for them to cope and adapt.
Whereas people in my generation or younger grew up either at the peak, itself or around the downward slope, so we grew up with the erosion, which makes it easier for us to deal with things like poor service or just something going wrong.
Yeeeeah, the one benefit to stocking shelves all day is that it gives you so much time to observe and contemplate. So I've had a lot of time to think about this lol
Alexandra 9 months ago
That's an interesting observation. One of the complaints about the present younger generation is that they, and not the boomers, can't handle problems, that they fall apart the moment something happens they didn't expect or don't like and that that that is why they need anti-anxiety pets at school, safe spaces everywhere and a therapist around the corner. I'm exaggerating of course, for the sake of argument. In my personal experience, the boomers I know tend to just shrugg it off when things hit a snag, because "it's life and s**t happens and you just deal with it and move on".
#8
This thread makes me feel lucky my dad is just a normal 65 year old boomer with dumb quirks and habits but not insanity.
#9
My dad, 100%. He went from someone suggesting helping others was a sign of strength and something we should do when able—often taking unhoused people with us to get food, stopping to help injured animals he found, etc.—to someone suggesting even appearing to need help was a sign of weakness.
He became very money oriented and selfish, only reversing course when he needed something medically…then once he got it returned to form and was a monster of a person. He started making racist jokes, never had up to that point, and looking down on anyone that wasn’t living in a big house with two rental properties.
I blame Fox & Rush Limbaugh for decades of turning him into what he became. Fox was always on in his house and he listened to Rush Limbaugh religiously. I shed only one tear once he passed, and never in front of anyone.
Lene 9 months ago
When I was a kid my dad volunteered a lot. Local politics? He was there. Volunteer fitness instructor? He was there. Standing in a booth at the local annual flea market? He was there. But then he retired and I asked him if he considered volunteering because I heard from so many places that lots of ppl get lonely when they retire and have less of a social life. His reply was: "no. If they want me as a volunteer they may just as well pay me for my work effort". So my dad and his wife leads extremely lonely lives now. His wife just started doing some exercise class.... very likely run by a volunteer. 🙄
No matter how you spin it, proper friendships are about creating a give-and-take relationship centered on respect, generosity, reciprocity, and support. Real friends have your back no matter what, through thick and thin.
On the flip side, fake friends are often only there for you when times are good. However, when you’re in need of a helping hand or emotional support, they’re nowhere to be found.
#10
My mother has gotten more and more childish as she aged. She's 73 now and her emotional maturity clocks in at about a teenager. Burned so many bridges with her children and friends. Entitled, lacking empathy, and super judgmental (while saying she's not at all!) Sometimes I wonder if our parents are changing or we all just grew up and are able to see that they were always this way.
Edit: Rereading the question, I want to add that my grandmother was decidedly not this way. The difference was that she had a strong community of peers and local institutions around her and way too old (born 1920) to have gotten sucked into the digital age.
#11
These are the people running our country and literally every system that exists.
#12
My mom is in her 70s now. We ( rest of the family) are cajoling her to start testing with a neurologist, we think it's dementia but maybe it was strokes. Rage is part of it.
I believe there are tons of issues but it's more than "Boomers being fools" but one of them is if medical advancements were where they were at 30 years ago they'd be dead. Obviously some people were always mean but had more social inhibition, some of this is mental decline. On top of untreated anxiety, depression etc. then all the lead and all the rage bait media.
lenka 9 months ago
"Obviously some people were always mean but had more social inhibition, some of this is mental decline." I think this bears repeating. I see this in my grandparents (Silent Gen) and my parents (Boomers). One of the first signs of dementia in my MIL was unreasonable and easily triggered anger and rage. And my grandmother who, although she does not have dementia, has suffered a steady mental capacity decline. She forgets things and gets upset about it. She gets confused about people coming and then rages about it but most notably has been the ever fading filter. Sometimes it's like she's as open and honest as a toddler with all the caustic realism of her 90 years of life. The physical changes in our brain as we age has a significant impact on our behaviour.
What are your thoughts on the topic, dear Pandas? Have you noticed changes in the way your parents treat other people as they age? Have you ever struggled with loneliness or social isolation yourselves? Have you ever had to rebuild your social network from scratch? If you feel like opening up a bit, you can do so in the comments.
#13
I'm going through something extremely hard right now and had to inform my parents. Their lack of emotional understanding and support is so apparent and astounds me compared to the two friends and two siblings I reached out to and who have been so helpful and supportive. I don't understand how I could have such helpful siblings while my parents are so useless and out of touch. But honestly my parents never were very nice to begin with.
Stephanie A Mutti 9 months ago
It took me a long time and conversations with many people to find out it was ok to just not love our parents. We are "supposed" to love them but I just don't. They weren't horrible. Maybe they neglected to get to know me and continue to interact with me as if I were a child [I'm 52] or maybe who knows. It's hard to get to this spot. But it's just our experience if we don't love our parents. No shame. No foul.
#14
My husband says his parents have always been like "this", they just used to pretend with outsiders. Now they don't. It's truly like a monster thinking it's wearing their mask but the damn thing has peeled off a long time ago.....
Alexandra 9 months ago
This is actually quite common among older people and has to do with their brain: the part that prevents us from being totally inappropriate starts to decline, resulting in different behaviour. That's one explanation. The other one is that, indeed, your parents don't feel the need to pretend anymore, not even with you, and just 'let rip".
#15
What your describing sounds like narcissism. You mention they were always a bit arrogant, and list their education. Narcissist, especially grandiose ones, will often hold higher degrees or positions as they see it as their "rightful place". The dinner parties are another sign of this. Yes it's socializing, but it's also showing off. Narcissists tend to get worse as they get older because before society treated them with grandiosity they thought they deserved. But now their old people, old people who aren't treated with reverence, who don't have people snap to attention like their secretary or underlings used to when they were working. They don't have people to boss around, like they did at their jobs. So all that pent up "I gotta be in charge of someone" is gonna come out somewhere. For the unfortunate clerk they bore the brunt of that rage bc in your dad's eyes they weren't snapping to attention fast enough, or bending over backwards to kiss his butt and pamper him like he thought he deserved. He was being treated exactly how everyone else was, and more so how an old man is treated. That blow to a narcissists ego is devastating, and because their ego is so thin, and their emotional control is so fragile, they have a giant toddler tantrum.
Think back to your own childhood, were your parents excessively controlling of you or siblings, especially when out in public. Perhaps phrases like "you represent the family" were used often.
It seems the boomer generation had an exceptionally high amount of narcissists. What do you expect when life was handed to them on a silver platter. But now they are old people, in a broken economy, being served by a younger generation who is over worked, underpaid, and just dead inside from all the narcissistic boomers having adult tantrums bc the ticket printer smudged the ink. Sure this could be early dementia, but what your describing sounds more like narcissism.
#16
I noticed this happen with my parents and their neighbors next door. Solid friends for 7 years and then my dad flipped out one day this Fall about religion to the neighbor wife. Just blew up the relationship because he doesn't believe in God and she does.
It was very eye opening as I heard about it from the wife after a month or so and not from my parents. My dad called me to tell me not to talk to her and then went into a tirade how he and my mom have known plenty of crazy women through the years and all these women are just bat s**t.
I could not help but think that while I do love my dad, the common denominator in these relationships is him. And when the wife relayed what happened (straight from the notes she wrote directly after the event) it was 1000% how my dad has historically behaved towards me when blowing up and it had me tearing up on the phone because he had been very mellow for a long time now and I thought he had chilled out with age.
#17
I legit said this to my dad the last time I was at their house. He sat on his phone the whole time, and I was like "that thing's going to rot your brain." and he scoffed at me, and still sat on his phone. Like, if I had a nickel for the number of times he yelled at us kids to turn off the TV growing up, I'd be rich.
#18
Old people are grumpy, often. This is not new. I feel a little bad for them these days as life and technology change so fast it’s easy to be left behind. Every time I trouble shoot my home entertainment set up I think about how a lot of old people probably just have to say, well the sound doesn’t work until whoever can come over and fix it. Tech breakdowns can be infuriating to even young people, and tech companies have completely stopped providing support of any kind. Lots of products don’t even really have instructions anymore.
Getting old sucks, and you also have Fox News Brain. It’s no excuse for bad behavior but it may explain it.
#20
Their aging and changing is bringing out the traits they were able to repress or play down when they were younger. It's truly a nightmare
Poison Ivy/Boo 9 months ago
Yeah.....my hubs came home from the care home the other day and relayed something his mum had said to one of the nurses. I won't repeat it, as it's racist AF, but wow. Just wow! He said her filter is well and truly gone. This isn't the first instance either....
#21
I think people in that age bracket just suppressed their feelings and never delt with them. Now that their body is more fragile due to age they can't handle it and become grouchy and bitter. Combined with the 24 hour news cycle and cellphones allowing unlimited unregulated access to the news cycle they never take a moment to unplug and relax, which blows the repressed feelings up.
I just work here 9 months ago
I think painting an entire generation as this or that is ridiculous.
#22
Funny enough, my parents started off nasty and have mellowed out with age and economic stabilty.
My dad is your classic boomer narcissist but dementia has made him outright pleasant to be around. Its like he forgets to be an a*****e.
#23
It’s because they were never good and kind people to begin with. These are the folks that complain about “political correctness” when it really means just regulating your emotions and behaviors so that you’re not a s****y person. Now that it’s socially acceptable to be less “polite”, the mask is off.
Rob D 9 months ago (edited)
This. A generation of hypocritical sociopaths. Old enough for segregated bathrooms, denies racism still exists. Part of explosive middle class growth, vote trickle down conservative since Reagan, so middle class gone. Benefited from unions, votes anti-union. Resents entitlement, but "don't you DARE touch my Medicare, Medicaid, adv plan, or social security." We ❤️ Grandkids, but have all but guaranteed theyll grow up in a hellscape of extreme weather and famine. NO one wants to work anymore, says the last generation positioned to retire in their 60s and many cases, spend more years retired than working. Distrust science, but kept alive by pharmaceuticals. Loves "Murica", but wants it's government to suffocate and utterly apathetic to it's citizens well being. Um, okay. ...I can go on forever, example after example. History, truly, will study boomers as a uniquely well positioned group, that did everything possible to make it unsustainable for posterity; it will not judge kindly. God if I see one more Trump rally with retired, racist-a*s, bible-beating, sociopath boomers dressed in fuking flags I'm gonna lose it.
#24
My Mom has gotten sweeter, my Dad on the other hand, yeah, he fits this bill.
The dude used to be able to make friends with anyone and everyone regardless of religious or political beliefs. Now? He has no friends. He even cut off his own brother over a perceived slight. The smallest error or flaw and he is completely done with that person (for example, the guy at their local deli stopped giving free samples because the store changed the policy during COVID, so now if my Dad sees him at the store, he completely ignores him even though it wasn't even his decision). Now he wants to move to another state, but my mom still has dozens of friends and doesn't want to uproot just because he has burned every bridge he has had.
#25
They maybe pretty resentful their retirement isn't working out how they hoped it would. Maybe they didn't plan it well financially. That kind of stress comes out in many different situations.
DustBunny 9 months ago
I think my dad thought he’d retire and travel the world. Instead he has a bad knee, a COVID epidemic, and my mom’s health issues mean she can’t travel and needs a lot of help. He’s stuck in suburbia with his Indiana Jones fantasies, driving like an entitled jerk and talking smack about everyone behind their backs.
#26
Up until the last year or so, I thought my parents became nasty. But now?
I think they’re just tired. They regularly babysit my niece and nephew in another state despite their parents making more than enough (at least, I think) to cover the expenses of a good babysitter…. Or to have one parent stay home.
But more tiring is the fact that I’ve been floundering around for a few years. Gotta suck having your adult child living with you and not making tangible forward and upward (and outward) progress
Nikki Sevven 9 months ago
My adult child lives with me. We are equal roommates in OUR house. I'm disabled, so she works extremely hard doing all the tasks I can't in return for room and board plus a modest 'paycheck'. If she is happy, thriving, learning, and enjoying her one life, then she is making tangible forward and upward progress. I can't conceive of being nasty to her for any reason.
#27
Something similar has happened/is happening to my parents, my wife’s parents, and almost all of my friend’s parents. Whenever the topic of parents comes up, I always ask my friends if their parents have started going crazy, and the answer is almost always yes. It seems to hit in the late 50s. The worst thing is that I remember having a conversation with my mother when I was a teenager about how her mother was getting really rude and nasty to people.
BookishPanda 9 months ago
I'm 60. We are all physically so tired and the social masks take a lot of energy to maintain. We are returning to our feral states. It will happen to you :D
#28
My dad just complains all the time and it’s embarassing. He’s not *mean* but he is embarrassingly cantankerous.
We went to a restaurant that I’ve been going to since HS where the owner knows all of his customers by name. My dad insisted that there was a senior discount. The owner’s kid said they didn’t have that. My dad had to argue. They finally just brought him the $2 and change to make him shut up.
I kinda wanna not go out with him when I visit but then I’d have to do the cooking.
#29
Honestly.
I think they just didn't deal with their s**t over decades and it eats them alive. The mask slips get harder to cover
We're seeing them as they always were, just through the lense of ourselves being adults.
I would be wary OP, you'll be next on their s**t list eventually.
As once they push away all their past friends they will want to cannibalise their young.
Wheeskers 9 months ago
Getting old bites. New aches, pains and problems, can't do this anymore, can't do that. It's frustrating as heck. Your friends are dying, some can't get out anymore, you don't go to bars and socialize like you used to. Many are home bound after being travellers. The days are long, you can't sleep and it gets maddening. Seeing this list makes me feel terrible. There's so much you can't help but to be labeled so makes me very sad.
#30
My mom started becoming unhinged and constantly livid with everything at about 45.
She’s an analytical chemist with multiple degrees that specialized in HPLC work for pharmaceutical companies.
She never had friends. My entire childhood was listening to her rant and rave for hours while throwing s**t and chain smoking. All her coworkers were horrible people that were in a conspiracy to undermine and fire her. I was also trying to destroy her life in elementary-junior high school and working in conjunction with them.
She’s 74 now and made of nothing but hate and rage.
That’s why she’s dying homeless on the streets.
Lyone Fein 9 months ago
Actually, this sounds like some type of untreated psychosis. This is so sad to me. Now that she is elderly and vulnerable, why not get her to some kind of social worker or mental health care that could help her?
#31
My parents were literally always nasty but yeah it's gotten worse. My dad was jailed for domestic violence against my mom two years ago he's in his 60s.
My two uncles got into a brawl not too long ago, late/mid 50s.
Fun times lol
#32
I think some in the older generation have never recovered from the social isolation and stress of the pandemic years.
#33
My mom is 60 and my dad is 70 and I haven't noticed either getting mean. If anything my mom is less mean. She was often very typical self centered boomer, gotta get mine type. I don't think her mentality has changed, but I think she's learned to be quiet sometimes. However, I have noticed other undesirable personality changes - heightened anxiety, easily frustrated, really poor communication and then being confused/frustrated I can't read her mind. I wonder if it has something to do with their generation's reluctance towards therapy? Having a toddler makes me see the similarities between the boomer generation and my child younger than 2. There's a level of emotional immaturity in my parents and in laws that is similar to my child. They never learned to work through their "big feelings" and seem to have the viewpoint that you often see in teenagers that their feelings of discomfort are a result of someone else.
I still have a grandparent and honestly she's had a similar trajectory to my mom. Lashed out a bit here and there as life got uncomfortable (I imagine the way the world changes is very uncomfortable) but realized it would negatively impact her personal relationships and walked it back.
In defense of the boomers a bit, I get grumpy sometimes too when I'm out of my comfort zone. I just think at 35 a lot more of the world is set up to be inside of my comfort zone. Last week I went to Disney with my kid and felt like everyone else knew a foreign language that I didn't speak. I spent the morning saying Disney is stupid and this place sucks before I realized it's a me problem and I'm acting like a teenager. So I get where they are coming from sometimes, I think everyone feels the impulse sometimes. It's just whether people have the coping mechanisms to ground themselves when they are spiraling. Which is where I come back to that generation's reluctance towards therapy - if they needed help figuring out coping mechanisms, most of them never got that help
Who cares what I think, but... 9 months ago
"typical self centered boomer"??? - that's a broad statement. But enjoyed the rest of your post!
#34
My old man has one friend that he spends time with outside of work.Most of his downtime is spent watching hockey or movies.He’s only in his early 60’s,but I think I found where I got my shut-in introvert side from. He’s actually more chill with us grown kids that he was when we were growing up.
Caroline Nagel 9 months ago (edited)
I'm sorry. In some articles Generation X - those who grew up in the 1970's - is also called the lost generation. We had massive unemployment, the Cold War, and the beginning of the AIDS pandemic to deal with. We grew up with no perspectives, like in 'we are lost'. I just wish we could stop the Boomer Bashing. The world as it is now is difficult and scary for everybody, no matter what age. Not all Boomers are rich and live a luxurious life. Not all Boomers think that the generations that have come after them are the worst of the worst. I'm born in 1964 and I have no money, I live in a tiny appartement and I think young people now don't have it easy. When my parents divorced in the 1970's there was nobody I could talk to, there were no therapists, and I was the hot gossip topic at school which was quite humiliating. At the time nobody cared about children of divorced parents. Nowadays there are therapists specialized in kids. I Wish I had one when I was a kid.
What do you think ?
Molly Whuppie 9 months ago (edited)
people are living longer, and working longer, and kids are living with their parents longer. people are getting tired as a result. they're probably also getting tired of constantly being complained about by younger people who write articles about how awful "boomers" are all the time. I mean, I'm not even a boomer and I am tired of them.
Minou the Cat 9 months ago
Once again, let's take the opinion or experiences of a few people and transform them into a general opinion.
General Anaesthesia 9 months ago
Yup. Divisiveness is of all generations, I guess, if the question is biased enough: "Has anyone else noticed their parents becoming really nasty people as they age?"
Load More Replies...
Ace 9 months ago
Can we just change the title of this post to "kids refuse to understand their parents" please?
Dashaun Snipes 8 months ago
We understand that they lived most of their time being another hard working USA citizen and have accomplished nothing. Bottom line that is why they are bitter to us millennials because we still have all our lives ahead of us to figure out what to do with our own lives.
Load More Replies... Molly Whuppie 9 months ago (edited)
people are living longer, and working longer, and kids are living with their parents longer. people are getting tired as a result. they're probably also getting tired of constantly being complained about by younger people who write articles about how awful "boomers" are all the time. I mean, I'm not even a boomer and I am tired of them.
Minou the Cat 9 months ago
Once again, let's take the opinion or experiences of a few people and transform them into a general opinion.
General Anaesthesia 9 months ago
Yup. Divisiveness is of all generations, I guess, if the question is biased enough: "Has anyone else noticed their parents becoming really nasty people as they age?"
Load More Replies... Ace 9 months ago
Can we just change the title of this post to "kids refuse to understand their parents" please?
Dashaun Snipes 8 months ago
We understand that they lived most of their time being another hard working USA citizen and have accomplished nothing. Bottom line that is why they are bitter to us millennials because we still have all our lives ahead of us to figure out what to do with our own lives.
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