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Having a good comeback to anything is a skill that doesn’t come easy to some people. At least to me anyway. Sometimes I wish a spider would bite me, and I would magically turn into a master of quick and witty remarks. Which, let’s be honest, would probably up my quality of life only slightly.

However, some folks are naturally born this way. Luckily for us, they occasionally put their superpowers to noble use by shutting down online absurdity. Today, we have an impressive collection of some of the best savage comebacks that might inspire you to sharpen your wits and get your keyboard ready to fight some internet trolls.

#3

Deutscher Patriotismus vs. American Patriotism

Deutscher Patriotismus vs. American Patriotism

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Lee
Community Member
6 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Germany has every right to be patriotic. Despite the fact they murdered my great grandparents, their two youngest kids and had my grandmother doing slave labour in a concentration camp for 4 years, that Germany is long gone. The new Germany is a great example of how to run a country.

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If you ever suffered from “l’esprit de l’escalier” or "the wit of the staircase," that is, thinking of a comeback once you’ve reached the stairwell of your home, don’t worry; experts have several tips that can help with that. 

They emphasize that in order to have a witty answer, timing is everything. This means that your remark should be as fast as the words that took you by surprise. The key to doing that is honing your listening skills so that you can essentially respond at lightning speed.

#4

Just Try Not Being Straight For Awhile

Just Try Not Being Straight For Awhile

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#6

It's Never Just About A Cake

It's Never Just About A Cake

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Colin Leamon
Community Member
6 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

What's done in the name of Christianity by people calling themselves Christian is truly heartbreaking

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Luckily, people tend to think faster than others speak, giving the hearer additional time to come up with a reply, even though they might look as if they are still listening. This is especially handy when a conversation turns sour and someone needs to defend themselves. 

Such a skill can definitely be improved with practice. One strategy for better listening skills is playing a game of one-word volleyball, where two people are telling a story by quickly taking turns and adding words to what the other said before them. The simple exercise forces players to be less focused on what they are going to say and instead helps them listen and respond to others spontaneously.

#7

Sarah Has Been Reported Dead

Sarah Has Been Reported Dead

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#8

I'm Gonna Take The Surgeon's Side On This One

I'm Gonna Take The Surgeon's Side On This One

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Nathaniel He/Him Cis-Het
Community Member
6 months ago

This comment has been deleted.

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#9

Now Sit Down, Stefan

Now Sit Down, Stefan

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AnnaB
Community Member
Premium
6 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Men, you can't give birth. Sit down when abortion is discussed.

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Belina Raffy, the CEO of Maffick, who often uses improv skills in business, adds that not overthinking the situation is key. “You’re taking yourself out of unfolding reality if you think too much,” she told Mental Floss. It’s important to be in the moment and to deliver an answer that is relevant in the instant. After all, a comeback that is off-topic most likely won’t be effective or amusing.

#10

"Educate Your Self"

"Educate Your Self"

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#11

Who Doesn't Love Irony?

Who Doesn't Love Irony?

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#12

Yes, The Answer Is Yes

Yes, The Answer Is Yes

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In addition, if you find yourself thinking about the reply too much, chances are you may end up saying nothing at all. Meanwhile, putting too much pressure on yourself can make your mind go blank, similar to a fight-or-flight situation. In a quick and witty comeback, this is the opposite effect you want to achieve, so try not to take it so seriously and just let your personality shine through.

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#13

Disabled Parking Should Only Be Valid During Business Hours 9 To 5

Disabled Parking Should Only Be Valid During Business Hours 9 To 5

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SCamp
Community Member
6 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

HTF do people think up cr@p like this, look at it and think ‘yep, I’ve nailed that, now just let me post it’. One of the clearest negatives about everyone having a voice is that everyone has a voice, which is great unless you’re a f***** moron

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#14

This Belongs Here

This Belongs Here

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Something else that might help with quick-wittedness is expanding your knowledge, whether that’s learning new things or techniques from your comedy heroes. For this, you may want to watch some comedy specials or your favorite sitcoms. It’s not necessarily about memorizing certain lines or imitating them, but picking up certain subtleties like amusing observations or timing. 

#17

Women Aren't People, Apparently

Women Aren't People, Apparently

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#18

The Fact That He Never Removed The Post Surprises Me

The Fact That He Never Removed The Post Surprises Me

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BebeR
Community Member
6 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Far-right activist Laura Loomer. She was banned from Uber and Lyft after this and then tweeted “@Uber banned me but they will never ban any of their Islamic drivers who are raping women and refusing service to Jews. #BoycottUber.” woman is revolting.

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Even if you wish to pass certain comebacks as your own, there’s no shame in doing that. Winston Churchill, who was famous for them, has borrowed a lot of them. One of his well-known lines was in response to politician Bessie Braddock’s remark, “Sir, you are drunk.” The PM replied, “And you, Bessie, are ugly. But I shall be sober in the morning, and you will still be ugly.”

#19

On A Comment Thread About UPS And USPS Workers

On A Comment Thread About UPS And USPS Workers

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SCamp
Community Member
6 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

The shutdown response is perfect - every job requires someone to do it, folks gotta make their coin how they can. No delivery ppl, no deliveries and idiots like the OP would be the first and loudest to complain

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#21

Cut The S**t Lady. You Chose The Bathroom

Cut The S**t Lady. You Chose The Bathroom

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This iconic phrase was copied from American actor and comedian W.C. Fields. Despite this, it took quick thinking to recall and adapt the quote in the moment, which is why Churchill was considered a master of timing. “It was an off-the-cuff recall of something he had synthesized, composed earlier, and that he was waiting to perform,” Tim Riley, director and chief curator at the National Churchill Museum, said.

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#22

I Proudly Served In The Gay Wars Of '07

I Proudly Served In The Gay Wars Of '07

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#23

You Dense Mother ---!

You Dense Mother ---!

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Lastly, as with any skill, practice is what makes one improve. For a quick-wit exercise, Hack Spirit recommends trying to make a mental note of something you’ve heard a person say during the day. Then set a timer for 5 minutes and try to come up with as many witty things as you can during that time. Some of them might not be that good yet, and that’s totally fine. The activity is all about training your brain, and over time, you will get better.

#25

This Guy Wants All The Cake

This Guy Wants All The Cake

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Cactuar Jon
Community Member
6 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

moral of the story, don't have friends. Then you can have 100% of that cake and get fat! :D

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#26

Your Bigotry Is Showing

Your Bigotry Is Showing

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BoredPossum
Community Member
6 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

This is exactly what most sane people want. People with different cultures, beliefs, sexual preferences, styles etc etc, getting along and don't fight. Respect, understanding and honor are rare, but hopefully it will be common in the future.

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#27

Apparently, It's Impossible For Women To Be Smart And Beautiful At The Same Time

Apparently, It's Impossible For Women To Be Smart And Beautiful At The Same Time

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#28

In The Interests Of Public Safety

In The Interests Of Public Safety

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Michael Largey
Community Member
6 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

There's no mention of any lesbian students at the school losing control, so maybe it isn't the clothes that are the problem?

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#29

M*rdered By Kindness

M*rdered By Kindness

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Adam S
Community Member
6 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Given the obvious hate and bile in the first message, this comeback is 100% class and hats off to them.

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#30

If He Were Here He'd Consume These Morons With Fireballs From His Eyes And Bolts Of Lightning From His Arse

If He Were Here He'd Consume These Morons With Fireballs From His Eyes And Bolts Of Lightning From His Arse

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#32

Dammit George!

Dammit George!

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Nathaniel He/Him Cis-Het
Community Member
6 months ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Pride month, lots of colours all over the place, crazy decorations, weird and wonderful people coming out and enjoying themselves, what's not to like?

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#34

$10 To Clean The Bathroom?!

$10 To Clean The Bathroom?!

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veryvenasaur
Community Member
6 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

My sister tripped and split her face open on easter. My next door neighbor had an easter party that included an egg hunt. After all the candy was found each kid took a small percentage of their candy and combined it to make a portion for my sister who didn't participate in the egg hunt for obvious reasons. THAT'S SOCIALISM. No kid was mad because we all understood that my sister deserved to also get candy even though she didn't search for the eggs.

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#35

The Media Makes It To Be A Feel Good Story Over A Dystopian Nightmare

The Media Makes It To Be A Feel Good Story Over A Dystopian Nightmare

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James016
Community Member
6 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I like the photoshopped one where the tweet says that the robotics team set fire to the insurance company's HQ

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#36

That’s A Stupid Reason To Ban Transgender People

That’s A Stupid Reason To Ban Transgender People

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Jerome Lenovo
Community Member
6 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

mmmmhhhh, nice d**k, can I ..... yeah we're surrounded you're right, i forgot

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#37

See Ya, Wouldn't Wanna Be Ya

See Ya, Wouldn't Wanna Be Ya

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Rayne OfSalt
Community Member
6 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

We have more guns in private ownership than at any time in our history. We only restrict what type of guns people can have, have strong requirements for how those guns are stored, and don't allow people who can't pass a background and psychological check to own them. We also don't fetishise guns. They're a tool for doing a thing, nothing more.

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#39

Room Temperature Iq Is My New Favourite Insult

Room Temperature Iq Is My New Favourite Insult

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Emma S
Community Member
6 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

The right to free health care, the right to have at least 28 days paid leave, the right to not be fired just because my employer doesn't like me is pretty sweet to be honest.

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#40

Yellow Tape Around Her Body It's A Homicide

Yellow Tape Around Her Body It's A Homicide

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Jerome Lenovo
Community Member
6 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

failure of obamacare ? where ? when ? you mean the fakenews from kolonel Von Shitzpantz before killing it

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#41

Anti Vaxxer Pretends To Be Educated

Anti Vaxxer Pretends To Be Educated

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SadieCat17 (she/her)
Community Member
6 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

How the f**k do vaccines *weaken* your immune system??? That's like the exact opposite of how they actually do work. Huh?????????

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#42

I Love It

I Love It

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Joe Reaves
Community Member
6 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

The only place I expect a doctor to be a medical doctor and anyone else to say they're not a medical doctor is in a f*****g hospital.

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#43

Pray Away The Gay

Pray Away The Gay

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Ranger Kanootsen
Community Member
6 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I went to a conversion camp when I was 19! It was a load of b******t but on the upside, I slept with half a dozen men which was great fun. I'm still gay by the way, it had the opposite outcome they were wanting.

Shadow
Community Member
6 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

This just sparked in me a great idea. Set up a "conversion" camp, sell how wonderful it is in converting LGTBQ youth. Except when the kids get there give them the real counseling they need after living with their parents and help them grow into their full potential whatever that may be.

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veryvenasaur
Community Member
6 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Conversion camps are kinda the ultimate gay bar. THIS IS A JOKE PLEASE DON'T ATTACK ME I DON'T SUPPORT CONVERSION THERAPY.

Michael Largey
Community Member
6 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

"Homosexuality in Russia is a crime and the punishment is seven years in prison, locked up with the other men. There is a three year waiting list." - Yakov Smirnoff

megasmacky
Community Member
6 months ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

When even Family Guy is making fun of Conversion Camps- Ok fellas, here are some baseball bats to beat up this gay man. NO, don't use them like that! NO, not like that either! Look, just put the bats down and use your fists. NO, not like that either!

Eugenia
Community Member
6 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I'm quite convinced that is there was a vaccine for not becoming gay, antivaxxers would get the shot for themselves and their kids. Strange enough because usually also the Venn diagram of antigay people and antivaxxers people is just a circle

Charity Angel
Community Member
6 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

You have no idea just how much I want someone to do this. Obviously it's just a bit of saline, but the psychology data analysis alone would be BRILLIANT.

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My NegaJay
Community Member
6 months ago (edited)

This comment is hidden. Click here to view.

Covid isn't fake, but most of the reactions were.

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#44

I Love Arnold's Wholesome M*rders

I Love Arnold's Wholesome M*rders

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Miki
Community Member
6 months ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I thought snowflakes are not people who disagree, but people who are offended and angry because you don't agree with them.

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#46

Pot, Meet Kettle

Pot, Meet Kettle

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#49

Don't B Confused

Don't B Confused

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Auntriarch
Community Member
6 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Homeless charities supply phones to people, because they understand (unlike fückwit above) that it's barely possible to survive without a phone these days if you have a home, impossible if you don't.

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#53

"I Don’t Understand Marches"

"I Don’t Understand Marches"

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#54

Apparently She Was A Raging Dumb*ss Five Years Ago, Too

Apparently She Was A Raging Dumb*ss Five Years Ago, Too

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Tortitude
Community Member
6 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I have depression and panic disorder and I have both. Yes, running helps lift my mood but it's temporary and it's not always possible to run. Fluoxetine keeps my mood stable and allows me to function day to day (despite some side effects). Things are not always as simple as they seem.

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#55

And Now, For Something Not Involving Politics

And Now, For Something Not Involving Politics

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Porribix
Community Member
6 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

All my partners have been attractive because i'm attracted to them. If you aren't who gives a flying f attraction is more than just physical attributes its seeing someone as a whole for who they really are.

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#57

Babies Are Not A Plaything

Babies Are Not A Plaything

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SadieCat17 (she/her)
Community Member
6 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I'm about as repulsed by babies as can be, but this just looks like someone going insane commenting on someone excitedly showing off their baby pictures.

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#58

Honestly, You're Not Important Enough To Be Microchipped

Honestly, You're Not Important Enough To Be Microchipped

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Rayne OfSalt
Community Member
6 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I'm still mad that I never got the 5G Wi-Fi and magnetic superpowers from the vaccines that anti-vaxxers promised I was going to get.

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#60

Beautifully Pointing Out How Jack Doesn’t Know Why A Vaccine Is

Beautifully Pointing Out How Jack Doesn’t Know Why A Vaccine Is

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Eugenia
Community Member
6 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Don't you remember that this was exactly the tactic that a famous Prime Minister wanted to adopt? It is called flock immunity irc. There also was another famous Chief of State that wanted to couple it with bleach shots.

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#62

All Of A Sudden “Law & Order” Doesn’t Apply?

All Of A Sudden “Law & Order” Doesn’t Apply?

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Caroline Nagel
Community Member
6 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

She was in a place where she should not have been, inciting violence.

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#63

Maybe She's Just Not Getting Any

Maybe She's Just Not Getting Any

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FreeTheUnicorn
Community Member
6 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Ugh, if only more Karens used condoms. But more importantly, you can avoid STIs by not having sex and there's no issue, it isn't practical to stop breathing to avoid airborne disease.

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#64

Wise Advice!

Wise Advice!

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Joe Reaves
Community Member
6 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Ladies, dump your friends who encourage this b******t. This is how stalking is normalised.

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