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Having a good comeback to anything is a skill that doesn’t come easy to some people. At least to me anyway. Sometimes I wish a spider would bite me, and I would magically turn into a master of quick and witty remarks. Which, let’s be honest, would probably up my quality of life only slightly.

However, some folks are naturally born this way. Luckily for us, they occasionally put their superpowers to noble use by shutting down online absurdity. Today, we have an impressive collection of some of the best savage comebacks that might inspire you to sharpen your wits and get your keyboard ready to fight some internet trolls.

#3

Deutscher Patriotismus vs. American Patriotism

Deutscher Patriotismus vs. American Patriotism

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Lee
Community Member
6 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Germany has every right to be patriotic. Despite the fact they murdered my great grandparents, their two youngest kids and had my grandmother doing slave labour in a concentration camp for 4 years, that Germany is long gone. The new Germany is a great example of how to run a country.

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If you ever suffered from “l’esprit de l’escalier” or "the wit of the staircase," that is, thinking of a comeback once you’ve reached the stairwell of your home, don’t worry; experts have several tips that can help with that. 

They emphasize that in order to have a witty answer, timing is everything. This means that your remark should be as fast as the words that took you by surprise. The key to doing that is honing your listening skills so that you can essentially respond at lightning speed.

#4

Just Try Not Being Straight For Awhile

Just Try Not Being Straight For Awhile

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#6

It's Never Just About A Cake

It's Never Just About A Cake

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Colin Leamon
Community Member
6 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

What's done in the name of Christianity by people calling themselves Christian is truly heartbreaking

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Luckily, people tend to think faster than others speak, giving the hearer additional time to come up with a reply, even though they might look as if they are still listening. This is especially handy when a conversation turns sour and someone needs to defend themselves. 

Such a skill can definitely be improved with practice. One strategy for better listening skills is playing a game of one-word volleyball, where two people are telling a story by quickly taking turns and adding words to what the other said before them. The simple exercise forces players to be less focused on what they are going to say and instead helps them listen and respond to others spontaneously.

#7

Sarah Has Been Reported Dead

Sarah Has Been Reported Dead

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#8

I'm Gonna Take The Surgeon's Side On This One

I'm Gonna Take The Surgeon's Side On This One

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Nathaniel He/Him Cis-Het
Community Member
6 months ago

This comment has been deleted.

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#9

Now Sit Down, Stefan

Now Sit Down, Stefan

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AnnaB
Community Member
Premium
6 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Men, you can't give birth. Sit down when abortion is discussed.

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Belina Raffy, the CEO of Maffick, who often uses improv skills in business, adds that not overthinking the situation is key. “You’re taking yourself out of unfolding reality if you think too much,” she told Mental Floss. It’s important to be in the moment and to deliver an answer that is relevant in the instant. After all, a comeback that is off-topic most likely won’t be effective or amusing.

#10

"Educate Your Self"

"Educate Your Self"

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#11

Who Doesn't Love Irony?

Who Doesn't Love Irony?

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#12

Yes, The Answer Is Yes

Yes, The Answer Is Yes

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In addition, if you find yourself thinking about the reply too much, chances are you may end up saying nothing at all. Meanwhile, putting too much pressure on yourself can make your mind go blank, similar to a fight-or-flight situation. In a quick and witty comeback, this is the opposite effect you want to achieve, so try not to take it so seriously and just let your personality shine through.

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#13

Disabled Parking Should Only Be Valid During Business Hours 9 To 5

Disabled Parking Should Only Be Valid During Business Hours 9 To 5

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SCamp
Community Member
6 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

HTF do people think up cr@p like this, look at it and think ‘yep, I’ve nailed that, now just let me post it’. One of the clearest negatives about everyone having a voice is that everyone has a voice, which is great unless you’re a f***** moron

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#14

This Belongs Here

This Belongs Here

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Something else that might help with quick-wittedness is expanding your knowledge, whether that’s learning new things or techniques from your comedy heroes. For this, you may want to watch some comedy specials or your favorite sitcoms. It’s not necessarily about memorizing certain lines or imitating them, but picking up certain subtleties like amusing observations or timing. 

#17

Women Aren't People, Apparently

Women Aren't People, Apparently

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#18

The Fact That He Never Removed The Post Surprises Me

The Fact That He Never Removed The Post Surprises Me

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BebeR
Community Member
6 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Far-right activist Laura Loomer. She was banned from Uber and Lyft after this and then tweeted “@Uber banned me but they will never ban any of their Islamic drivers who are raping women and refusing service to Jews. #BoycottUber.” woman is revolting.

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Even if you wish to pass certain comebacks as your own, there’s no shame in doing that. Winston Churchill, who was famous for them, has borrowed a lot of them. One of his well-known lines was in response to politician Bessie Braddock’s remark, “Sir, you are drunk.” The PM replied, “And you, Bessie, are ugly. But I shall be sober in the morning, and you will still be ugly.”

#19

On A Comment Thread About UPS And USPS Workers

On A Comment Thread About UPS And USPS Workers

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SCamp
Community Member
6 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

The shutdown response is perfect - every job requires someone to do it, folks gotta make their coin how they can. No delivery ppl, no deliveries and idiots like the OP would be the first and loudest to complain

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#21

Cut The S**t Lady. You Chose The Bathroom

Cut The S**t Lady. You Chose The Bathroom

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This iconic phrase was copied from American actor and comedian W.C. Fields. Despite this, it took quick thinking to recall and adapt the quote in the moment, which is why Churchill was considered a master of timing. “It was an off-the-cuff recall of something he had synthesized, composed earlier, and that he was waiting to perform,” Tim Riley, director and chief curator at the National Churchill Museum, said.

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#22

I Proudly Served In The Gay Wars Of '07

I Proudly Served In The Gay Wars Of '07

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#23

You Dense Mother ---!

You Dense Mother ---!

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Lastly, as with any skill, practice is what makes one improve. For a quick-wit exercise, Hack Spirit recommends trying to make a mental note of something you’ve heard a person say during the day. Then set a timer for 5 minutes and try to come up with as many witty things as you can during that time. Some of them might not be that good yet, and that’s totally fine. The activity is all about training your brain, and over time, you will get better.

#25

This Guy Wants All The Cake

This Guy Wants All The Cake

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Cactuar Jon
Community Member
6 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

moral of the story, don't have friends. Then you can have 100% of that cake and get fat! :D

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#26

Your Bigotry Is Showing

Your Bigotry Is Showing

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BoredPossum
Community Member
6 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

This is exactly what most sane people want. People with different cultures, beliefs, sexual preferences, styles etc etc, getting along and don't fight. Respect, understanding and honor are rare, but hopefully it will be common in the future.

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#27

Apparently, It's Impossible For Women To Be Smart And Beautiful At The Same Time

Apparently, It's Impossible For Women To Be Smart And Beautiful At The Same Time

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#28

In The Interests Of Public Safety

In The Interests Of Public Safety

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Michael Largey
Community Member
6 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

There's no mention of any lesbian students at the school losing control, so maybe it isn't the clothes that are the problem?

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#29

M*rdered By Kindness

M*rdered By Kindness

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Adam S
Community Member
6 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Given the obvious hate and bile in the first message, this comeback is 100% class and hats off to them.

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#30

If He Were Here He'd Consume These Morons With Fireballs From His Eyes And Bolts Of Lightning From His Arse

If He Were Here He'd Consume These Morons With Fireballs From His Eyes And Bolts Of Lightning From His Arse

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#32

Dammit George!

Dammit George!

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Nathaniel He/Him Cis-Het
Community Member
6 months ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Pride month, lots of colours all over the place, crazy decorations, weird and wonderful people coming out and enjoying themselves, what's not to like?

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#34

$10 To Clean The Bathroom?!

$10 To Clean The Bathroom?!

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veryvenasaur
Community Member
6 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

My sister tripped and split her face open on easter. My next door neighbor had an easter party that included an egg hunt. After all the candy was found each kid took a small percentage of their candy and combined it to make a portion for my sister who didn't participate in the egg hunt for obvious reasons. THAT'S SOCIALISM. No kid was mad because we all understood that my sister deserved to also get candy even though she didn't search for the eggs.

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#35

The Media Makes It To Be A Feel Good Story Over A Dystopian Nightmare

The Media Makes It To Be A Feel Good Story Over A Dystopian Nightmare

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James016
Community Member
6 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I like the photoshopped one where the tweet says that the robotics team set fire to the insurance company's HQ

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#36

That’s A Stupid Reason To Ban Transgender People

That’s A Stupid Reason To Ban Transgender People

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Jerome Lenovo
Community Member
6 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

mmmmhhhh, nice d**k, can I ..... yeah we're surrounded you're right, i forgot

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#37

See Ya, Wouldn't Wanna Be Ya

See Ya, Wouldn't Wanna Be Ya

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Rayne OfSalt
Community Member
6 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

We have more guns in private ownership than at any time in our history. We only restrict what type of guns people can have, have strong requirements for how those guns are stored, and don't allow people who can't pass a background and psychological check to own them. We also don't fetishise guns. They're a tool for doing a thing, nothing more.

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#39

Room Temperature Iq Is My New Favourite Insult

Room Temperature Iq Is My New Favourite Insult

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Emma S
Community Member
6 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

The right to free health care, the right to have at least 28 days paid leave, the right to not be fired just because my employer doesn't like me is pretty sweet to be honest.

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#40

Yellow Tape Around Her Body It's A Homicide

Yellow Tape Around Her Body It's A Homicide

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Jerome Lenovo
Community Member
6 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

failure of obamacare ? where ? when ? you mean the fakenews from kolonel Von Shitzpantz before killing it

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#41

Anti Vaxxer Pretends To Be Educated

Anti Vaxxer Pretends To Be Educated

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SadieCat17 (she/her)
Community Member
6 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

How the f**k do vaccines *weaken* your immune system??? That's like the exact opposite of how they actually do work. Huh?????????

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#42

I Love It

I Love It

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Joe Reaves
Community Member
6 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

The only place I expect a doctor to be a medical doctor and anyone else to say they're not a medical doctor is in a f*****g hospital.

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#43

Pray Away The Gay

Pray Away The Gay

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Ranger Kanootsen
Community Member
6 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I went to a conversion camp when I was 19! It was a load of b******t but on the upside, I slept with half a dozen men which was great fun. I'm still gay by the way, it had the opposite outcome they were wanting.

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#44

I Love Arnold's Wholesome M*rders

I Love Arnold's Wholesome M*rders

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Miki
Community Member
6 months ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I thought snowflakes are not people who disagree, but people who are offended and angry because you don't agree with them.

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#46

Pot, Meet Kettle

Pot, Meet Kettle

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#48

Girls Have Ankles Too

Girls Have Ankles Too

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Penny Hernandez
Community Member
6 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I've rolled my ankle more times than I can count and the pain is bad. I've also had severe period pain and if I had to choose which was worse, period pain wins.

Giraffy Window
Community Member
6 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Hell, If I could make my period pain go away forever by straight up amputating my foot with no anesthesia I would choose to lose a foot.

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robin aldrich
Community Member
6 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Want a better idea what period pain feels like? . How about I knee you in the nuts, several times a day, all day for about a week.

me myself and i (she/her)
Community Member
6 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

and something for the sore back, sore legs, bloating… PMS too. Plus that some people suffer from cramps the week before, of, AND after, so it’s really for three if they wanna get technical with those transparent ankle pictures

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Liz Downing
Community Member
6 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Rolling your ankle for 3-7 days every month for 40 years does sound like hell.

veryvenasaur
Community Member
6 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I've rolled my ankle and I promise you guys it doesn't hurt more that period pain. Especially since an ace bandage and 20 minutes of icing pretty much solves the problem for hours if you don't have to do much walking.

ynyrhydref56
Community Member
6 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

So THAT'S why women shouldn't show their ankles. Because then it would be obvious that they are just an illusion.

Just a bored scp
Community Member
6 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

As someone who has periods AND done this, they’re both pretty bad. Periods are a constant, and rollin my ankle(I did that by tripping over someone’s leg into a bunch of backpacks; there was nowhere to land) was like a sharp pain where I couldn’t walk for a few hours

Ken Beattie
Community Member
6 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

My sister rolled her ankle like that. Which reminds me, I must give her a call and see if she's finally out of the cast.

Stephanie Barr
Community Member
5 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

And wear HEELS. I mean, it must be impossible to turn your ankle in those, right?

Mary Peace
Community Member
6 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Amazing how women's feet are connected to their legs, so they can stand up, and walk and everything. I don't know how we manage.

somnomania
Community Member
6 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

i've done both, they're different types of pain and both are equally unpleasant

Caroline Overill
Community Member
6 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Have you ever rolled your ankle over like that 24 seven seven days a month from the age of 12 to 45 you stupid ignorant twat.

StrangeTrout
Community Member
6 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

When a man bleeds every month for 40 years and has to take tranexamic acid to regulate how much and mountains of ibuprofen for the pain, then he can comment. Nuff said.

EJN
Community Member
6 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Yes, I have. It hurts like hell. My foot was black and blue for weeks. I thought I broke my Talar bone and probably cracked it and had a cast on the foot as a result. Bad news. I'm a girl with ankles.

Tina Harnish
Community Member
6 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Yes, and had painful periods. Lucky you. You only roll your ankles.

MarvinsMom
Community Member
6 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I did, in fact, break my leg rolling my ankle. Hurt less than period cramps by like 100.

FaceTime Audio
Community Member
6 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Doing that doesn't hurt. What does hurt is menstrual cramps so bad that you can hardly stand.

agirlandherrobot
Community Member
6 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I once snapped my foot clean in half. I didn't cry, in fact I tried to walk it off. My period cramps are so debilitating all I can do is take enough meds to put me to sleep & stop the pain.

Elladine DesIsles
Community Member
6 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I used to be a gymnast, and I've injured my ankles just about every way imaginable short of actually breaking them. The connection between my feet/ankles and brain has been damaged to the point that periodically my brain will lose track of one foot or the other, land a step wrong, roll the ankle, and I'll just collapse. A couple of times I've ended up falling straight forward and landing with my face an inch above the cement. And you know what? Period pain is still worse.

Ducki (She/Her) 明明
Community Member
6 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Ah yes we cannot roll ankles. I have rolled my ankle twice while playing basketball. It was not fun

Maggie Fulton
Community Member
6 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

As a woman who used to have bad cramps, often with hormone-linked migraines, I can say I have rolled my ankles A LOT. I’d rather roll the ankle.

amy harvey
Community Member
6 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I rolled my ankle like this, people overreact so much about it. It's not that bad as everybody thinks. (Or I twisted that same leg twice and literally destroyed it's sensory networks) :(

Katie Lutesinger
Community Member
6 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

This happened to me once and I was limping for a week. Goddamn rock!

Naomi van Nijnatten
Community Member
6 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Did both, prefer the ankle above the cramps and bleeding out for days, every f**ing month.

Susan Reid Smith
Community Member
6 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Yes. I was in pain for 6-7 weeks or so with the rolled ankle and resulting broken bone.

Lee Banks
Community Member
6 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Had skull surgery, and recovery was less trying than my last period.

Susan
Community Member
6 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Right!? Girls walking in wedge sandals and getting taken down by the tiniest pebble have noooooo idea what that pain and terror feels like... SMH

Sue
Community Member
6 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

We could deal with period pain & ankle rolling all at the same time you snowflake.

TheForrestGreene (he/they/it)
Community Member
6 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

yes, i have. twice. once on each ankle. both times happened before the second month of school was over. the first time sometime in september, 6th grade. the second time was august last school year, on the second day of school, freshman year. so yes, you can say that i have rolled my ankle like that.

Christopher Bowers
Community Member
6 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Im sure it hurts even worse for women rolling their ankles, especially when wearing heels, that extra height hitting the ground

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#49

Don't B Confused

Don't B Confused

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Auntriarch
Community Member
6 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Homeless charities supply phones to people, because they understand (unlike fückwit above) that it's barely possible to survive without a phone these days if you have a home, impossible if you don't.

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#50

Tomi Lahren

Tomi Lahren

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