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Having a good comeback to anything is a skill that doesn’t come easy to some people. At least to me anyway. Sometimes I wish a spider would bite me, and I would magically turn into a master of quick and witty remarks. Which, let’s be honest, would probably up my quality of life only slightly.

However, some folks are naturally born this way. Luckily for us, they occasionally put their superpowers to noble use by shutting down online absurdity. Today, we have an impressive collection of some of the best savage comebacks that might inspire you to sharpen your wits and get your keyboard ready to fight some internet trolls.

#3

Deutscher Patriotismus vs. American Patriotism

Deutscher Patriotismus vs. American Patriotism

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Lee
Community Member
6 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Germany has every right to be patriotic. Despite the fact they murdered my great grandparents, their two youngest kids and had my grandmother doing slave labour in a concentration camp for 4 years, that Germany is long gone. The new Germany is a great example of how to run a country.

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If you ever suffered from “l’esprit de l’escalier” or "the wit of the staircase," that is, thinking of a comeback once you’ve reached the stairwell of your home, don’t worry; experts have several tips that can help with that. 

They emphasize that in order to have a witty answer, timing is everything. This means that your remark should be as fast as the words that took you by surprise. The key to doing that is honing your listening skills so that you can essentially respond at lightning speed.

#4

Just Try Not Being Straight For Awhile

Just Try Not Being Straight For Awhile

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#5

A Very Important Point

A Very Important Point

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Casey Payne
Community Member
6 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I don't care if all the girls are butt naked and wobbly drunk. You are still required to keep your hands to yourself.

Joey Jo Jo Shabadoo
Community Member
6 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I would suggest people check out the "what were you wearing" art exhbits. People show the clothes they were wearing when they were assaulted. Its a powerful statement against victim blaming

Sue
Community Member
6 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

If you can't keep your hands off a woman (or man) because of the way they are dressed, you shouldn't be allowed out in public.

ravn
Community Member
6 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

"Of course you were mugged, look at that expensive watch and all that cash you were carrying"!

cugel.
Community Member
6 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I doubt any link between attire and assault has been established anyway.

Joey Jo Jo Shabadoo
Community Member
6 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

The fact that women in burqas and nuns are assaulted is proof enough. Sexual assault is an act of violence, not an act of lust.

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SleepSycho
Community Member
6 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

So by this logic no one got raped in the past when they had full length dresses? Or in muslim/modest countries? That's all we had to do was cover up? Wow thanks for the tip! Now we'll be invisible and safe!

Dawnieangel76
Community Member
5 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Guys don't wear a protective cup outside of sports....so that means I can kick them in the balls whenever I feel like it because they're asking for pain, right?

Valek Fermiga
Community Member
6 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Are you for real you fuc*ing ra*ist in the making?? If your mum got ra*ed on a night out, would you blame her?? No, then shut your stupid mouth....

Melinda Clark
Community Member
5 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I mean, if he does get his skull smashed in, it's objectively his fault. He went our there knowing full well that there were people who might take advantage of the opportunity to hit him, and he still didn't protect his head. Honestly, he should have just relaxed and let himself enjoy it. We all know he really wanted it, or he would have worn a helmet.

Gypsy Lee
Community Member
6 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Or these individuals can blind themselves so they won’t be so bothered by the fact that women weren’t put on earth strictly for men to torment, harass, & oppress. Would you behave this way to another man? No? Now pretend women are people just like you.

EJN
Community Member
6 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Men have been negating their role in sexual "sins" since before the Bible was written. It's BS! It is a denial of responsibility that just will not die off naturally. It needs to be stomped out. Men without control are the problem!

Amanda Hunter
Community Member
6 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

When men go out in public with their depraved violent minds, they have a choice to behave in a civilized manner. They should shut their mouths and mind their own business.

DotC
Community Member
6 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Children, old ladies and people in comas get r*ped.

m pum
Community Member
6 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Can we just go ahead and use the hammer regardless??

Anna Stephenson
Community Member
6 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I swear half the time- the comment section on Bored Panda is the best but!- I love this whole community discussing which animal groups have availability lol- made me giggle way too much! (Ps- I'm off to live with the Kangaroos- at least with them the worst they can do is kick my stomach out through my spine!)

2DB
Community Member
6 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

They're not asking YOU for it dude, so STFU & walk away.

Jeremy Bolanos
Community Member
6 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

They only hate that women can wear skirts as part of business attire when it's 100+ degrees outside, and men have to keep wearing pants because, apparently, our hairy legs would be distracting to HR.

Jane Jayne Jain Jeign Jein
Community Member
6 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

You men need to exercise a little solidarity - you should all turn up in skirts (they can't stop you - that would be discrimination) and see how long it takes them to allow business shorts like the Aussies do.

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Cole Earnhart
Community Member
6 months ago

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Cole Earnhart
Community Member
6 months ago

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Marc Lauzon
Community Member
6 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I'm at 50/50 on this. I mean, some streets are not safe so it would be wise not to tempt the devil. You should have a female bear in a skimpier outfit to act like a decoy.

Steve Hall
Community Member
6 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

One person makes a very inappropriate statement then some fool makes a more inappropriate statement to point out thier ignorant comment. This is why I hate people.

Tamra
Community Member
6 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Somehow, I don't think the first person is the kind of person who would respond to a polite, reasoned reply.

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Lola July
Community Member
6 months ago

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Plz take no personal accountability. If the world were a perfect place I still would not want my daughter to dress slutty. No, it doesn't give anyone the right to do anything. But it certainly sends a message that isn't good whether you self-righteous jerks want to admit it or not. 🙄

mike fish
Community Member
6 months ago

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If girls go out wearing tiny, tight outfits, so short you can see their underwear ther is only one comment that I would like to make. "If it's not for sale, why advertise it?"

veryvenasaur
Community Member
6 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

If you drive a fancy car you want people to notice it because it is something you are proud of it does not mean you want me to steal your car.

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Timbob
Community Member
6 months ago

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Really a very bad, illogical argument ! It’s only sexual harassment if the wrong guy stares !

Jerome Lenovo
Community Member
6 months ago

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"asking for it", dumb as ef. You found the outfit stupid ? ok i get it. But it doesnt give you rights, period, stfu. Could be dangerous, since some men really are stupid, but thats her choice. Screaming "i have the right" doesnt change anything. Keep in mind, some men really are stupid and think you're asking for it. But you can poke the bear, its your right. Remember, you also have right to drink Drano and put a fork in your eye. Would you ? Yeah but you have the right we got it

BTDubs
Community Member
6 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

@Jerome has some deep seated issues that should probably get checked out. P.S. Don't let Jerome be in the same room as a woman in a mini skirt, he can't control his emotions and body it seems...

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#6

It's Never Just About A Cake

It's Never Just About A Cake

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Colin Leamon
Community Member
6 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

What's done in the name of Christianity by people calling themselves Christian is truly heartbreaking

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Luckily, people tend to think faster than others speak, giving the hearer additional time to come up with a reply, even though they might look as if they are still listening. This is especially handy when a conversation turns sour and someone needs to defend themselves. 

Such a skill can definitely be improved with practice. One strategy for better listening skills is playing a game of one-word volleyball, where two people are telling a story by quickly taking turns and adding words to what the other said before them. The simple exercise forces players to be less focused on what they are going to say and instead helps them listen and respond to others spontaneously.

#7

Sarah Has Been Reported Dead

Sarah Has Been Reported Dead

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#8

I'm Gonna Take The Surgeon's Side On This One

I'm Gonna Take The Surgeon's Side On This One

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Nathaniel He/Him Cis-Het
Community Member
6 months ago

This comment has been deleted.

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#9

Now Sit Down, Stefan

Now Sit Down, Stefan

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AnnaB
Community Member
Premium
6 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Men, you can't give birth. Sit down when abortion is discussed.

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Belina Raffy, the CEO of Maffick, who often uses improv skills in business, adds that not overthinking the situation is key. “You’re taking yourself out of unfolding reality if you think too much,” she told Mental Floss. It’s important to be in the moment and to deliver an answer that is relevant in the instant. After all, a comeback that is off-topic most likely won’t be effective or amusing.

#10

"Educate Your Self"

"Educate Your Self"

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#11

Who Doesn't Love Irony?

Who Doesn't Love Irony?

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#12

Yes, The Answer Is Yes

Yes, The Answer Is Yes

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In addition, if you find yourself thinking about the reply too much, chances are you may end up saying nothing at all. Meanwhile, putting too much pressure on yourself can make your mind go blank, similar to a fight-or-flight situation. In a quick and witty comeback, this is the opposite effect you want to achieve, so try not to take it so seriously and just let your personality shine through.

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#13

Disabled Parking Should Only Be Valid During Business Hours 9 To 5

Disabled Parking Should Only Be Valid During Business Hours 9 To 5

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SCamp
Community Member
6 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

HTF do people think up cr@p like this, look at it and think ‘yep, I’ve nailed that, now just let me post it’. One of the clearest negatives about everyone having a voice is that everyone has a voice, which is great unless you’re a f***** moron

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#14

This Belongs Here

This Belongs Here

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Something else that might help with quick-wittedness is expanding your knowledge, whether that’s learning new things or techniques from your comedy heroes. For this, you may want to watch some comedy specials or your favorite sitcoms. It’s not necessarily about memorizing certain lines or imitating them, but picking up certain subtleties like amusing observations or timing. 

#17

Women Aren't People, Apparently

Women Aren't People, Apparently

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#18

The Fact That He Never Removed The Post Surprises Me

The Fact That He Never Removed The Post Surprises Me

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BebeR
Community Member
6 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Far-right activist Laura Loomer. She was banned from Uber and Lyft after this and then tweeted “@Uber banned me but they will never ban any of their Islamic drivers who are raping women and refusing service to Jews. #BoycottUber.” woman is revolting.

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Even if you wish to pass certain comebacks as your own, there’s no shame in doing that. Winston Churchill, who was famous for them, has borrowed a lot of them. One of his well-known lines was in response to politician Bessie Braddock’s remark, “Sir, you are drunk.” The PM replied, “And you, Bessie, are ugly. But I shall be sober in the morning, and you will still be ugly.”

#19

On A Comment Thread About UPS And USPS Workers

On A Comment Thread About UPS And USPS Workers

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SCamp
Community Member
6 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

The shutdown response is perfect - every job requires someone to do it, folks gotta make their coin how they can. No delivery ppl, no deliveries and idiots like the OP would be the first and loudest to complain

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#21

Cut The S**t Lady. You Chose The Bathroom

Cut The S**t Lady. You Chose The Bathroom

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This iconic phrase was copied from American actor and comedian W.C. Fields. Despite this, it took quick thinking to recall and adapt the quote in the moment, which is why Churchill was considered a master of timing. “It was an off-the-cuff recall of something he had synthesized, composed earlier, and that he was waiting to perform,” Tim Riley, director and chief curator at the National Churchill Museum, said.

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#22

I Proudly Served In The Gay Wars Of '07

I Proudly Served In The Gay Wars Of '07

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#23

You Dense Mother ---!

You Dense Mother ---!

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Lastly, as with any skill, practice is what makes one improve. For a quick-wit exercise, Hack Spirit recommends trying to make a mental note of something you’ve heard a person say during the day. Then set a timer for 5 minutes and try to come up with as many witty things as you can during that time. Some of them might not be that good yet, and that’s totally fine. The activity is all about training your brain, and over time, you will get better.

#25

This Guy Wants All The Cake

This Guy Wants All The Cake

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Cactuar Jon
Community Member
6 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

moral of the story, don't have friends. Then you can have 100% of that cake and get fat! :D

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#26

Your Bigotry Is Showing

Your Bigotry Is Showing

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BoredPossum
Community Member
6 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

This is exactly what most sane people want. People with different cultures, beliefs, sexual preferences, styles etc etc, getting along and don't fight. Respect, understanding and honor are rare, but hopefully it will be common in the future.

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#27

Apparently, It's Impossible For Women To Be Smart And Beautiful At The Same Time

Apparently, It's Impossible For Women To Be Smart And Beautiful At The Same Time

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#28

In The Interests Of Public Safety

In The Interests Of Public Safety

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Michael Largey
Community Member
6 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

There's no mention of any lesbian students at the school losing control, so maybe it isn't the clothes that are the problem?

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#29

M*rdered By Kindness

M*rdered By Kindness

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Adam S
Community Member
6 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Given the obvious hate and bile in the first message, this comeback is 100% class and hats off to them.

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#30

If He Were Here He'd Consume These Morons With Fireballs From His Eyes And Bolts Of Lightning From His Arse

If He Were Here He'd Consume These Morons With Fireballs From His Eyes And Bolts Of Lightning From His Arse

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#32

Dammit George!

Dammit George!

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Nathaniel He/Him Cis-Het
Community Member
6 months ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Pride month, lots of colours all over the place, crazy decorations, weird and wonderful people coming out and enjoying themselves, what's not to like?

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#34

$10 To Clean The Bathroom?!

$10 To Clean The Bathroom?!

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veryvenasaur
Community Member
6 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

My sister tripped and split her face open on easter. My next door neighbor had an easter party that included an egg hunt. After all the candy was found each kid took a small percentage of their candy and combined it to make a portion for my sister who didn't participate in the egg hunt for obvious reasons. THAT'S SOCIALISM. No kid was mad because we all understood that my sister deserved to also get candy even though she didn't search for the eggs.

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#35

The Media Makes It To Be A Feel Good Story Over A Dystopian Nightmare

The Media Makes It To Be A Feel Good Story Over A Dystopian Nightmare

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James016
Community Member
6 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I like the photoshopped one where the tweet says that the robotics team set fire to the insurance company's HQ

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#36

That’s A Stupid Reason To Ban Transgender People

That’s A Stupid Reason To Ban Transgender People

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Jerome Lenovo
Community Member
6 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

mmmmhhhh, nice d**k, can I ..... yeah we're surrounded you're right, i forgot

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#37

See Ya, Wouldn't Wanna Be Ya

See Ya, Wouldn't Wanna Be Ya

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Rayne OfSalt
Community Member
6 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

We have more guns in private ownership than at any time in our history. We only restrict what type of guns people can have, have strong requirements for how those guns are stored, and don't allow people who can't pass a background and psychological check to own them. We also don't fetishise guns. They're a tool for doing a thing, nothing more.

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#39

Room Temperature Iq Is My New Favourite Insult

Room Temperature Iq Is My New Favourite Insult

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Emma S
Community Member
6 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

The right to free health care, the right to have at least 28 days paid leave, the right to not be fired just because my employer doesn't like me is pretty sweet to be honest.

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#40

Yellow Tape Around Her Body It's A Homicide

Yellow Tape Around Her Body It's A Homicide

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Jerome Lenovo
Community Member
6 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

failure of obamacare ? where ? when ? you mean the fakenews from kolonel Von Shitzpantz before killing it

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#41

Anti Vaxxer Pretends To Be Educated

Anti Vaxxer Pretends To Be Educated

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SadieCat17 (she/her)
Community Member
6 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

How the f**k do vaccines *weaken* your immune system??? That's like the exact opposite of how they actually do work. Huh?????????

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#42

I Love It

I Love It

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Joe Reaves
Community Member
6 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

The only place I expect a doctor to be a medical doctor and anyone else to say they're not a medical doctor is in a f*****g hospital.

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#43

Pray Away The Gay

Pray Away The Gay

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Ranger Kanootsen
Community Member
6 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I went to a conversion camp when I was 19! It was a load of b******t but on the upside, I slept with half a dozen men which was great fun. I'm still gay by the way, it had the opposite outcome they were wanting.

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#44

I Love Arnold's Wholesome M*rders

I Love Arnold's Wholesome M*rders

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Miki
Community Member
6 months ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I thought snowflakes are not people who disagree, but people who are offended and angry because you don't agree with them.

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#46

Pot, Meet Kettle

Pot, Meet Kettle

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#49

Don't B Confused

Don't B Confused

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Auntriarch
Community Member
6 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Homeless charities supply phones to people, because they understand (unlike fückwit above) that it's barely possible to survive without a phone these days if you have a home, impossible if you don't.

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#50

Tomi Lahren

Tomi Lahren

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