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Who doesn’t like to have a good laugh, huh? The phrase ‘laughter is the best medicine’ exists for a reason! Did you know that laughter enhances your intake of oxygen-rich air, stimulates your heart, lungs and muscles, and increases the endorphins that are released by your brain? Well, now you know.
Yes, yes, not all jokes can make you laugh uncontrollably. Some people are bigger fans of dark humor, some folks like more realistic jokes that they relate to and others prefer ‘smart jokes’, basically those which take time to understand and for it to make sense.
Now, speaking of all types of jokes, folks in this online thread share their best jokes that they know. Here you can find 41 of the best ones that hopefully will make you chuckle!
More info: Reddit
This post may include affiliate links.
#1
It's kind of a long one but a good one:
One day, saint Peter was manning his station at the pearly gates of heaven, denying or allowing people to enter heaven. Eventually, a guy comes up and starts talking to Peter, and Peter says, "Tell me about the day you died."
The guy says, "Man, it was terrible, I got off work early to try and catch my wife cheating on me, as I'd expected she was. Well, I got home to my 14th floor apartment and found my wife naked, wet, and in bed; obviously, she had just been having sex. So I searched all over my 14th floor apartment and couldn't find anyone, so I decided to have a cigarette on my balcony. Low and behold, I looked down and saw a naked man hanging by his fingertips, and in a rage, I grabbed a hammer and smashed his fingers. Lucky for him, he landed in some bush's and started to scramble out of them. So I went and pushed my fridge off the edge. It landed on him and killed him. But the act gave me a heart attack, and I died. "
Peter let the man in and asked the next guy. "Tell me about the day you died,"
The second man said, " Man, it was awful, I was in my 15th floor apartment doing acrobatics, but see, I have a better range of motion if I'm naked when I do my acrobatics But, I misjudged a jump and fell out my window and off my balcony. Luckily, I caught myself with just my fingertips on the 14th floor apartment balcony. But then some crazy bastard came out and smashed my fingers with a hammer. I managed to land in some bushes, but as I was trying to get out of the bushes, the mad lad dropped a fridge on me, and I died."
Peter chuckles to himself and allows the man entry. Then Peter turns to the next man and says, " Tell me about the day you died."
The third man says, " Okay, so get this, I'm hiding in a fridge..."
Kookamunga 1 year ago
Here's one of my favorites: Did you hear it's now illegal to laugh loudly in Hawaii? ......Now when you’re there you gotta keep it to a lo ha
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#2
Three construction workers have lunch together on top of a tall building. The first one opens his lunch box and goes "Another tuna sandwich? I eat tuna sandwich every day. If I have to eat another tuna sandwich I'm going to jump!". The second one opens his lunch box and also goes "Man, another turkey club sandwich. I can't stand it anymore. If it's the same tomorrow, I'll jump". The third worker opens his lunch box, sees a meatball sandwich, and like the others he says he'll jump if he has to eat another meatball sandwich.
The next day the three men open their lunch boxes. The first one got a tuna sandwich. He writes a goodbye note and jumps. The second got a turkey club and does the same. The third sees he has a meatball sandwich and follows them.
At the funeral the wives of the three men meet. The first one weeps and says "If only I had known! I would have made him something else!". The second wive is angry and goes "He never told me he wanted something else! If he had just talked to me!". They notice that the third wife just looks sort of confused, so they ask her what's wrong.
She replies: "I just don't get it. He always made his own lunch."
Bored Panda got in touch with u/MrMidnightDiamond, the creator of this viral thread. When asked if there was some inspiration to create this thread, he shared that “I recently went through a breakup that has left me feeling quite heartbroken and in need of something to raise my spirits. Funnily enough, I haven't even posted my best joke yet.”
#3
This woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husband's funeral. She tells the director that she wants her husband to be buried in a dark blue suit.
He asks, "Wouldn't it just be easier to bury him in the black suit that he's wearing?"
But she insists that it must be a blue suit and gives him a blank check to buy one.
When she comes back for the funeral, she sees her husband in the coffin and he is wearing a beautiful blue suit. She tells the funeral director how much she loves the suit and asks how much it cost.
He says, "Actually, it didn't cost anything. The funniest thing happened. As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in, this one wearing a blue suit. I noticed that they were about the same size, and asked the other widow if she would mind if her husband were buried in a black suit. She said that was fine with her. So... I switched the heads"
#4
Three men-one British, one Japanese, and one American- are trekking through the jungle when they’re suddenly captured by a tribe of cannibals. They are brought to the chief, who tells them “We are going to kill you, eat you, and use your skin to make our canoes. However, we will allow you to choose how you die.”
The Englishman asks for his gun and a single bullet. He loads it, points it at his head, and says “God save the queen.” Bang.
The Japanese man asks for his sword. They give him his sword, he says “For Honor!” before committing hara-kiri.
The American asks for a fork. They give him a fork, and he starts going to town on himself. Stabbing himself all over his arms, his legs, his torso, he’s bleeding like crazy, but he’s not dying quickly. Finally the chief asks what he’s doing. The American looks him in the eye and yells “F**k your canoes!”
girlsrock4ever 1 year ago
I'm not American, but I would probably do the third option just to get some last form of revenge. That one seems the best to me.
#5
Guy trying to get hired at a farm, and the farmer says "Have you ever shoed a horse?" The guy says "No, but once I told a donkey to f**k off."
Additionally, he agreed to share his favorite joke! I know it’s long, but hopefully you will chuckle after reading it. "There are these three missionaries and they get captured by a nasty tribe of aborigines deep in the jungle. The aborigines tie them up and set them down before the chief, who as it happens speaks a little English.
The chief says to them, 'We are a hostile tribe, and we despise you and your missionary ways. So you have two choices. Death or... kabunga.'
Then he gestures to the first missionary and says, 'Choose!"
Well, the man doesn't know what this kabunga business is, but he knows what death is, all right, and he knows he doesn't want that. So he looks at the chief and says, 'I choose... kabunga.'
The chief raises his arms and cries out, 'Kabunga!' And a dozen warriors rush out. They throw this boy down, pull off his clothes, and sodomize him but good.
So now the chief looks at the second missionary, and he says, 'My friend, what do you choose? Will it be death, or... kabunga?'
Well, this boy knows what kabunga is now, and he doesn't want any of it. But choosing death, well, that'd be suicide, and suicide is against his religious principles. So he swallows hard and says to the chief, 'I... I choose... kabunga.'
The chief raises his arms and cries out, 'Kabunga!' And once again, a dozen warriors rush out, and they have their way with this boy, and it goes on for an awful hour. Finally, it's over. The chief looks at the third missionary and says, 'What will it be, my friend? Death, or... kabunga?'
Now this boy's seen just about all the kabunga he can stand. And even though it's against his religious principles, and even though he knows death is the end, he just can't face kabunga. So he screws up all his courage, sticks out his chin, looks the chief straight in the eye, and says, 'I choose death!'
The chief raises his arms and cries out, 'Death!... But first, kabunga!"
#6
A snake walks into a bar and the bartender asks "how?"
LizzieBoredom 1 year ago (edited)
The bartender could tell the snake was a stripper because she wore a garter and after repeatedly told to keep it on, she shed her skin.
#7
How do you tell the gender of an ant?
Throw it in water. If it sinks, it’s girl ant, but if it floats…
Additionally, MrMidnightDiamond emphasized that he never thought his Reddit post would gain so much attention! “I am so grateful that my question was able to reach out to so many people all over the world, bring them joy and give them a few laughs along the way.”
#8
''And the Lord said unto John, 'come forth and receive eternal life', but John came fifth and got a toaster
#9
A man of faith hears on the radio there's going to be flooding. He shrugs at the radio and says, "God will take care of me."
He wakes up the next day and the first floor of his house is flooded.. as the water rises, he climbs up into the roof.
A guy floats by in a canoe and says, "hop in brother, the waters rising."
He waves the guy off and says, "God will take care of me."
Now the water is halfway up the roof, and he's straddling the roof ridge.
A woman in a boat speeds up and says, "Get in the boat! The waters are going to keep rising!" The guy waves her off and says, "God will take care of me."
The guy is now on tip top of the chimney the water swirling around his neck a helicopter hovers overhead and guy repels down and says, "grab on!" Again, the guys says ,"no thanks, God will save me."
The guy wakes up at the pearly gates, in line as St. Peter is waiting for windows to install updates. He sees God through the gates on his throne, Jesus sitting on his lap. He yells up at God, "Why didn't you save me!?!?!"
God yells down, "I sent you a canoe, a boat and a helicopter!!!"
and_a_touch_of_the_’tism 1 year ago
There’s a much shorter one about an atheist. An atheist hears on the radio there’s going to be flooding. She packs a small backpack with essentials and moves her valuables into the attic. The flood hits, and her house is getting pretty messed up. A guy in a canoe comes along, and she grabs her backpack and gets in the damn canoe.
And finally, the OP mentioned that there are so many jokes that he has upvoted or commented on. “Although I certainly haven't read all of the jokes because there are multiple jokes posted each and every day, I do often scroll through it and read them when I have the time.”
#10
A guy stops into a bar after work. The bar is situated on the third floor.
He sits down at the bar next to another dude and orders a drink.
After a few minutes, the other dude drains his glass, stands up and just runs and jumps out the window.
The man is left speechless, but two minutes later the other dude walks back in the door and sits back down at the bar as if nothing has happened.
The man is too confused to ask about what just happened, so he just continues sipping his drink.
A few minutes later, the other dude drains his glass again, and proceeds to run and jump out the window again, and then stroll back through the door, sit back down and order another drink.
So the guy says ‘screw it’ to himself, necks his drink, and runs and jumps right out the window.
The bartender turns to the other dude and says “you’re a real prick when you’re drunk, Superman”.
#11
I took the shell off my racing snail to make it go faster.
If anything it just made it more sluggish.
#12
My grandfather has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the zoo.
Cyber Returns 1 year ago
I had to go to the doctor about a big black mole on my p*nis. i was so relieved when it was removed. I have a lifetime ban from the petting zoo now
#13
Bear walks into a bar and says “can I have a………Coke?”
Bartender says “what’s with the big pause?”
Bear says “I don’t know, I was born with them.”
#14
What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One weighs a ton, and the other is a little lighter.
#15
I bought shoes from a [substance] dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
#16
Not my "best" but my favourite because my grandpa would tell it to everyone. And I miss my grandpa a lot.
How do you catch a bear?
Dig a big hole and line it with ashes. Put peas all around the edge of the hole.
When the bear goes for a pea, kick him in the ash hole.
ETA: In my FB memories, it was 10 years ago today that we lost my Grandpa. No wonder I've been thinking of him. I posted this joke for him on this day, in my memories.
NoCleverName 1 year ago
My version is: How do you catch a polar bear? Well, you cut a hole in the ice and line it with peas, and when he comes to take a pea you kick him in the ice hole
#17
A man goes into the doctor and says "I think I have hearing problems"
Doctor: Can you describe the symptoms?
Man: Sure! Homers fat and Marge has blue hair.
#18
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers ✌️ and says: "five beers, please."
#19
What's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?
People from Dubai don't like the Flintstones, but people from Abu Dhabi do.
#20
A termite walks into a bar and asks “is the bar tender here”?
Kookamunga 1 year ago
A grasshopper walks into a bar - bartender says "Hey, we've got a drink named after you!" - grasshopper replies "You've got a drink called Steve?"
#21
Do you know why divers fall backwards off the boat when they are diving?
Because if they fell forward they'd still be in the boat
#22
Why do Norwegian warships have a barcode on the side of them?
So that they can Scandinavian
#23
Two whales are at a bar.
On turns to the other and says "BWWWWWHHHHHAAAARRRRRGGGHHH"(be loud with your best whale sound)
The other whale looks at him and says "Gimme your keys Frank, you're drunk!"
#24
Someone found a hole in the nudist colony fence.
Police are looking into it.
#25
Three men had a very late night drinking Guiness.
They left in the early morning hours and each went to their home. The next day, they all met for an early pint, and compared notes about who was drunker the night before.
The first guy claims that he was the drunkest, saying, "I drove straight home and walked into the house. As soon as I got through the door, I blew chunks."
The second guy said, "You think that was drunk? Hell, I got into my car and wrapped it around the first tree I saw. And I don't even have insurance!"
The third guy proclaimed, "Damn, I was the drunkest by far. When I got home, I got into a big fight with my wife, knocked a candle over, and burned the whole house down!"
The room was silent for a moment.
Then, the first guy spoke out again, "Listen, guys, I don't think you understand...
Chunks is my dog."
Do-nut touch da donut 1 year ago (edited)
No ones talking about how they drove drunk.... anyways NOOOO THE DOG... dont drink and drive kids
#26
Yesterday I couldn’t figure out whether someone was waving at me or the person behind me.
In other news,
I lost my lifeguard job.
(Not my original joke)
#27
2 fish in a tank one turns to the other and says "do you know how to drive this thing"?
Russ Kincade 1 year ago
Aaand, the first fish says "Yes I've done it before" "In a new study, researchers designed a souped-up aquarium on wheels to see if a goldfish can learn to navigate on dry land—and it worked." https://www.smithsonianmag.com/smart-news/watch-this-fish-out-of-water-drive-a-mini-vehicle-on-land-180979328/
#28
Three men were in a boat and had four cigarettes, but no lighter, so they threw one cigarette overboard, and the whole boat became a cigarette lighter.
#29
What do you call an indecisive bee?
A maybee.
#30
A photon walks into a hotel and the concierge comes up and says, “May I take your bags sir?”
The photon replies, “No, I’m traveling light.”
What do you think ?
T.O.S.o.R. 1 year ago
A man finds a genie lamp while walking on the beach. He rubs the lamp and a genie comes out and says he gets 1 wish. He thinks a moment, and says, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I'm afraid to fly. My wish is for a bridge to Hawaii." The genie says, no can do. Think of something else. The man says, "I would like a wife that understands me and I understand her!" The genie says "would you like that bridge to be 2 lanes, or 4?"
Eastendbird 1 year ago
I like the old Bob Monkhouse joke: When I die I want to go peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather, not screaming and terrified like the passengers on his bus.
T.O.S.o.R. 1 year ago
A man finds a genie lamp while walking on the beach. He rubs the lamp and a genie comes out and says he gets 1 wish. He thinks a moment, and says, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I'm afraid to fly. My wish is for a bridge to Hawaii." The genie says, no can do. Think of something else. The man says, "I would like a wife that understands me and I understand her!" The genie says "would you like that bridge to be 2 lanes, or 4?"
Eastendbird 1 year ago
I like the old Bob Monkhouse joke: When I die I want to go peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather, not screaming and terrified like the passengers on his bus.
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