150 Dark Humor Jokes For All The Dark Comedy Enthusiasts Out There

#1

When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don't find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates.

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157points

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Dmitri Johnson 2 years ago

this one has a point

67points

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Trinity Hunter 2 years ago

I see what you did there 😂

5points

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Ivan Petrov 2 years ago

And an edge.

2points

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Pb Jelly 2 years ago

Literally

1point

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TY Maruta 11 months ago

True

0points

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French Fry princess 2 years ago

***carving tree names into couples

4points

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~darlingthimblemoon~ 2 years ago

It used to be very common, state side, for men to carry pocket knives/swiss army knives. My husband was gifted one by his father for his 13th birthday.

2points

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Masha Aguer 2 years ago

Huh...Never thought of that

2points

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Chantelle Gunter-Watson 2 years ago

Not weird at all. You're weird for thinking it's weird.

2points

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Iconic 1 year ago

Well I mean they're not worng

1point

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Jen F 2 years ago

While most were walking through the park, my husband and I studied the blade.

1point

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Eugene Newsom 2 years ago

I carry 2 knives and a pistol when I take my wife out. What's your point?

1point

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Kameron Kimrey 1 year ago

That your insecure

0points

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Junior Farrell 2 years ago

How else are you going to protect your date?

1point

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Lee Hunter 6 months ago

WHAAAAA?

0points

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Collin Wood 6 months ago

I mean.... you never know there could be a robbing the date could be a killer

0points

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Haltu22 9 months ago

Caveman1:*stabs Caveman2 with pointy stick* Caveman2:*dies* Other cavemen:noted

0points

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Autumn Packenius 11 months ago

I think I’ve done that one a couple times

0points

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Kameron Kimrey 1 year ago

new evidence for murders???🤨

0points

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Ghost ZeroRemorse 1 year ago

i agree

0points

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Izzy De Kort 1 year ago

Frrrr

0points

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Izzy De Kort 1 year ago

Frrr

0points

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Lincoln Holland 1 year ago

How many killers are there

0points

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Shawn Willis Jr. 1 year ago

it is not funny

0points

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Ghaniyah Verma 1 year ago

Unless it's for cutting food in picnics or if it's a butter knife. Other than that...wtf

0points

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MADISON LITTRELL 1 year ago

This comment has been deleted.

0points

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nathan 2 years ago (edited)

I dont think of this as romantic either,i think it would look better without it

0points

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Paxton Thomas 2 years ago

so funny

0points

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Paxton Thomas 2 years ago

so funny

0points

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Elisa 2 years ago

I a Dated a few of those

0points

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Does It Really Matter 2 years ago

Its A "Young Love" Kinda Thing

0points

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Elle O 2 years ago

On the first date I went on with my now boyfriend, he told me I didn't look like I would stab anybody. I then pulled my knife out of my bra... Tbf, I do use it a lot at work and instead of leaving it, I just took it with me after getting ready after work.

0points

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Jaycee Delarosa 2 years ago

Its probably the girls. I have a dagger on me every time I go for a walk lol

0points

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Britt Jeff 2 years ago

Defense purposes

0points

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Gladys Hayes Southerland 2 years ago

I'm female & l do carry a box cutter or knife everywhere, for protection & BC the thing just comes in so handy!

0points

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Leticia b. Wilson 2 years ago

What it say

0points

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Chel Bolin 2 years ago

It was before we kids had access to guns

0points

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simfan all day every day 2 years ago

A very strong steel point? Or is it rusty and need some work to get it sharp again?

0points

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Saint Lynnie 2 years ago

Oh come on, back in the day when men could be men without being told they have toxic masculinity, and before the boy scouts started letting girls in so it would be "more inclusive", it wasn't at all strange for a young man to carry a pocket knife around

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Hereford Holstein 2 years ago (edited)

You do know the Boy Scouts turned out to be festered with child molesters and thousands of young Boy Scouts were sexually molested by men who were supposed to be mentoring and protecting them…and it went on for decades, right? I think allowing young ladies into their organization was orders of magnitude less damning to society than their previous business model, which as I said was top heavy with predatory monsters hiding in plain site. Also, people still choose to carry knives, or choose not to, just like they always have. Most adults only carry when there’s a potential need or they keep them handy in gloveboxes, toolboxes, whatever. Boys carry more often but tend to grow out of the need to show off. It’s like looking into your daughters purse versus an elderly woman’s purse…contents are often contextual depending on age, profession, region, etc. Your apparent difficulty in finding ‘real men’ who carry knives is really not a good indicator of where society stands on the matter.

1point

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#2

Do you know the phrase “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure”?
Wonderful saying, horrible way to find out that you were adopted.

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142points

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Mason Williams 1 year ago

That's some damage there.

3points

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#3

I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you're "being a respectful friend."
Do it at home and you're "destroying evidence."

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140points

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Down With Agent Hedgehog! 2 years ago

Well duh

19points

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#4

I'd like to have kids one day.
I don't think I could stand them any longer than that, though.

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132points

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Down With Agent Hedgehog! 2 years ago

You absolute genius

45points

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#5

Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face.
My parents are the worst.

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128points

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Masha Aguer 2 years ago

Lol happened to me

27points

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#6

"Just say NO to drugs!"
Well, If I'm talking to my drugs, I probably already said yes.

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120points

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Misty Z 2 years ago

The only problem with drugs is when you run out 🤣

33points

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#7

The doctor gave me one year to live, so I shot him with my gun.
The judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved.

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Piccolo 2 years ago

Simple

26points

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#8

Wife: "I’m pregnant."
Husband: "Hi pregnant, I’m dad."
Wife: "No, you’re not."

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120points

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Subrata Pradhan 2 years ago

oops, are u from Lodon BTW

15points

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#9

My wife told me she'll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I'm not too worried, I think she's jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87

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119points

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Down With Agent Hedgehog! 2 years ago

Ha!

34points

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#10

I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor guy.

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116points

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Shlok Patel 2 years ago

Indeed

21points

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#11

I was digging in our garden when I found a chest full of gold coins.
I was about to run straight home to tell my wife about it, but then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.

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116points

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Down With Agent Hedgehog! 2 years ago

Dark.

28points

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#12

I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.

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114points

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Simone Saur 2 years ago

Funny cuz... some couples really be feeling this way about each other... Oof

22points

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#13

To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner. They picked tacos.
Then I made pizza because they don’t live in a swing state.

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113points

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Joe Bloe 2 years ago

Papa John rigged the vote! It was a domino effect.

62points

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#14

“I’m sorry” and “I apologize” mean the same thing.
Except at a funeral.

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102points

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What even is this 2 years ago

I have no words

17points

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#15

My son, who's into astronomy, asked me how stars die.
"Usually an overdose, son", I told him.

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99points

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Pb Jelly 2 years ago

Lmf@$

12points

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#16

Son: “Dad, did you get the results of the DNA test back?”
Dad: “Call me George.”

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97points

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Ossandra White 2 years ago

Welp.

21points

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#17

Dentist: “This will hurt a little.”
Patient: “OK.”
Dentist: “I’m having an affair with your wife.”

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93points

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Masha Aguer 2 years ago

Damn... Ouch

21points

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#18

Why are cigarettes good for the environment?
They kill people.

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93points

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Ossandra White 2 years ago

Problem? They also kill the environment.

30points

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#19

Why is there air conditioning in hospitals?
To keep the vegetables cool and fresh.

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92points

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Masha Aguer 2 years ago

Ohh no... Why am I laughing.. 💀

34points

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#20

Wife: “I want another baby.”
Husband: “That’s a relief, I also really don’t like this one.”

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92points

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Stuki 2 years ago

Delete the baby.

30points

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#21

When my uncle Frank died, he wanted his remains to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein.

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91points

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Masha Aguer 2 years ago

Omg it's 2 am and im I trying to laugh as quietly as I can so not to wake up my gf..

27points

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#22

It turns out a major new study recently found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
It's true. I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.

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88points

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Pb Jelly 2 years ago

Wow really

7points

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#23

"I have good and bad news," the doctor said to his patient.
"Give me the good news first," the patient said.
"Your test results are back," the doctor said, "and you have only two days to live."
"That's the good news?", the patient exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"
"I've been trying to reach you for two days."

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Masha Aguer 2 years ago

(O_o)

22points

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#24

Today, I asked my phone, “Siri, why am I still single?”.
And it activated the front camera.

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86points

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Masha Aguer 2 years ago

Sad music plays in the backround

26points

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#25

As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.

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85points

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Ron H. 2 years ago

😂🤣😂

8points

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#26

"What's your name, son?" The principal asked his student.
The kid replied, "D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir."
"Do you have a stutter?" the principal asked.
The student answered, "No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk."

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84points

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Rita Rose 2 years ago

Anyone remember the Starbucks employee that did this?! He wrote the guys name exactly how the customer said it (with stutter) something like 'R R R Roger'. Think he got fired or something. And I'm glad he did!

44points

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#27

My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.

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82points

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Pb Jelly 2 years ago

Hahahaha. They will return them eventually lol

15points

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#28

Never break someone's heart, they only have one.
Break their bones instead, they have 206 of them.

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79points

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Shlok Patel 2 years ago

Fax

17points

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#29

I have many jokes about unemployed people, sadly none of them work.

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79points

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Pb Jelly 2 years ago

Good one

12points

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#30

My favorite novel is "The Hunchback of Notre Dame".
I love a protagonist with a twisted back story.

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78points

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Dmitri Johnson 2 years ago (edited)

no this one is so messed up

20points

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#31

You know you’re not liked when you get handed the camera every time they take a group photo.

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78points

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Down With Agent Hedgehog! 2 years ago

Me

20points

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#32

I was in Russia listening to a stand-up comedian making fun of Putin.
The jokes weren't that good, but I liked the execution.

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76points

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Junior Farrell 2 years ago

😳

9points

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#33

Doctor: “You’ll be at peace soon.”
Man: “Am I dying?”
Doctor: “No, your wife is.”

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76points

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Suhaan's virtual world 2 years ago (edited)

Man : ohh thank god

24points

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#34

When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it leaves and never comes back.

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74points

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Pb Jelly 2 years ago

Ouch

11points

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#35

Give a man a match, and he'll be warm for a few hours.
Set a man on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.

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73points

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Kate 2 years ago

That's one hell of a match...

22points

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#36

If you donate one kidney, everybody loves you, and you're a total hero.
But donate five and suddenly everyone is yelling. Sheesh!

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73points

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Pb Jelly 2 years ago

Hahahaha

10points

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#37

Dark humor is like food.
Not everyone gets it.

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72points

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Masha Aguer 2 years ago

Sad but true

15points

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#38

What do my dad and Nemo have in common?
They both can't be found.

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71points

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Kailey Findley 2 years ago

But...but Nemo was found...🥺

23points

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#39

What's yellow and can't swim?
A bus full of children.

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71points

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Julianne Robichaud 2 years ago

Unless it's the Magic School Bus, which can do anything

24points

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#40

A kid decided to burn his house down. His dad watched, tears in his eyes.
He put his arm around the mom and said, "That's arson."

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70points

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2 years ago

Bruhhhh (It look me a minute XD)

18points

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#41

A guy walks with a young boy into the woods. The boy turns to him and says, "Hey mister, it's getting really dark and I'm scared."
The man replies, "How do you think I feel? I have to walk back alone."

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67points

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Trania Pratt 2 years ago

And I oop....

9points

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#42

My wife left a note on the fridge that said, "This isn't working."
I'm not sure what she's talking about. I opened the fridge door and it's working fine!

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66points

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Pb Jelly 2 years ago

Smart woman

10points

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#43

A son tells his father, "I have an imaginary girlfriend."
The father sighs and says, "You know, you could do better."
"Thanks Dad", the son says.
The father shakes his head and goes, "I was talking to your girlfriend."

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65points

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Trania Pratt 2 years ago

O.M.G. .... humiliating isn't the word....like your daddy dissed you....to your imagination.....o.0

17points

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#44

A priest asks the convicted murderer at the electric chair, “Do you have any last requests?”
“Yes,” replies the murderer. “Can you please hold my hand?”

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65points

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What even is this 2 years ago

Now THAT is commitment

17points

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#45

I was drinking a martini and the waitress screamed, “Does anyone know CPR?!”
I yelled, “I know the entire alphabet!”, and we all laughed and laughed. Well, except one person.

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65points

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Masha Aguer 2 years ago

Oh no... Why am I laughing

19points

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#46

My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back?

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65points

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What even is this 2 years ago

Covering up bad xomments

16points

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#47

"I work with animals," the guy says to his date.
"That's so sweet," she replies. "I love a man who cares about animals. Where do you work?"
"I'm a butcher," he says.

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64points

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Masha Aguer 2 years ago

Oh... Leaves awkwardly

21points

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#48

My grandfather says I'm too reliant on technology.
I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.

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63points

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Trania Pratt 2 years ago

Then most of us are there with you then, I laughed so hard at every single one of these so far

9points

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#49

What's red and bad for your teeth?
A brick.

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62points

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Down With Agent Hedgehog! 2 years ago

Lmao.

10points

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#50

Where did Joe go after getting lost on a minefield?
Everywhere.

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62points

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Down With Agent Hedgehog! 2 years ago

O_o

15points

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#51

My wife says making love is even better on holiday.
I wish she didn’t tell me via email.

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62points

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Aethel Fairy 1 year ago

IT TOOK ME A WHILE

1point

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#52

Today was a terrible day. My ex got hit by a bus. And I lost my job as a bus driver!

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59points

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Jesse Alvarez 2 years ago

10 points

13points

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#53

A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree.
"You can't cut me down," the tree complains. "I'm a talking tree!"
The man responds, "You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue."

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58points

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Ossandra White 2 years ago

Badump TINK! 🥁

14points

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#54

What's the difference between me and cancer?
My dad didn't beat cancer.

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58points

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Down With Agent Hedgehog! 2 years ago

Kinda sad…

12points

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#55

Two hunters are in the woods when one of them collapses. His hunting buddy immediately calls 911.
"My friend isn't breathing," he shouts into the phone. "What should I do?"
"Relax," the operator tells him. "I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There's silence, and then a gunshot. The guy gets back on the phone and says, "OK, now what?"

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57points

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What even is this 2 years ago

I've seen this on the internet before

5points

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#56

My wife is mad that I have no sense of direction.
So I packed up my stuff and right.

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56points

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Clara 2 years ago

Clever!

5points

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#57

How many emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None, they all sit in the dark and cry.

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56points

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Shiran De Montaigne 2 years ago

Nah, none, because they took the light bulb out. Dark is nice. Don't ruin the dark.

31points

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#58

I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday.
He later told me it was the most violent book he’d ever read.

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56points

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Masha Aguer 2 years ago

Oh no...

8points

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#59

I visited my friend at his new house. He told me to make myself at home.
So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.

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55points

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Kara Bismarck 2 years ago

🤣

6points

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#60

I have a fish that can breakdance!
Only for 20 seconds though, and only once.

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55points

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Pb Jelly 2 years ago

Dead fish... upside down

7points

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#61

I wasn't close to my father when he died.
Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine.

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55points

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Trinity Cottrell 2 years ago

Pfffft! Hahahahahahahaha! As someone with an abusive father, I love this joke! 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

11points

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#62

Don’t challenge Death to a pillow fight.
Unless you’re prepared for the reaper cushions.

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54points

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Elisa 2 years ago

Oh my goodness

5points

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#63

My boss told me to have a good day.
So I went home.

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54points

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Masha Aguer 2 years ago

Seems about right

8points

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#64

If you think I would joke about Alzheimer’s, forget it.

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54points

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Cory Willson 2 years ago

You have a problem with jokes about dementia? Thats funny, I don't remember asking.

34points

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#65

I'll never forget my Granddad's last words to me just before he died.
"Are you still holding the ladder?"

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53points

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Cubbypotato 2 years ago

Guess not

6points

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#66

My girlfriend's dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one. It just made her more upset.
She screamed at me, "What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"

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51points

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Masha Aguer 2 years ago

Ohhh... Wow.. You can give them a funeral

7points

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#67

You’re not completely useless.
You can always be used as a bad example.

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50points

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Masha Aguer 2 years ago

Oh! Maybe I am useful after all

13points

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#68

They say the surest way to a man’s heart is through the stomach.
But, I find going through the ribcage a lot easier.

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50points

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Existing Panda(Lazy_Panda) 2 years ago

Covering up a down-voted comment ;)

7points

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#69

I thought opening a door for a lady was good manners, but she just screamed and flew out of the plane.

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50points

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Masha Aguer 2 years ago

Have a safe landing

8points

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#70

My elderly relatives liked to tease me at weddings, saying, "You'll be next!"
They soon stopped though, once I started doing the same to them at funerals.

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49points

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Simone Saur 2 years ago

I bet there's ppl tempted to actually do this

14points

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#71

My parents raised me as an only child, which really annoyed my younger brother.

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49points

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Pb Jelly 2 years ago

This doesn't happen in every family?!!

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#72

For Sale: Parachute. Used once, never opened, small stain.

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48points

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Mason Williams 1 year ago

Emphasis on "Small Stain"

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#73

They laughed at my crayon drawing.
I laughed at their chalk outline.

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47points

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Navindu Wijewardena 2 years ago

I think this is on the fact that the police or something draws a chalk outline around a dead body

8points

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#74

I threw a boomerang a few years ago. I now live in constant fear.

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47points

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Elisa 2 years ago

Just keep ducking

10points

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#75

Why don’t cannibals eat clowns?
Because they taste funny.

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47points

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simfan all day every day 2 years ago

Lmao

2points

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#76

I have a joke about trickle down economics.
But 99% of you will never get it.

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46points

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Trania Pratt 2 years ago (edited)

Joke is literally only the 1% benefit from the myth that is trickle down economics.

7points

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#77

A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, "I'm sorry, but you only have ten left."
The patient asks him, "Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?"
The doctor calmly looks at him and says, "Nine."

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46points

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Cubbypotato 2 years ago

8

14points

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#78

My grief counselor died the other day.
He was so good at his job, I don't even care.

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46points

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Ghaniyah Verma 1 year ago

Dang!

1point

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#79

I tried to warn my son about playing Russian roulette.
It went in one ear and out the other.

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46points

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2 years ago

and I oop-

7points

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#80

Why are friends a lot like snow?
If you pee on them, they disappear.

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45points

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Cory Willson 2 years ago

You just haven't found the right friends

27points

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#81

The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.

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44points

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Down With Agent Hedgehog! 2 years ago

Oh. I get it.

4points

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#82

The guy who stole my diary just died.
My thoughts are with his family.

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44points

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Silas Nash 2 years ago

I don't get this one

2points

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#83

I was shocked when I found out my toaster was not waterproof.

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44points

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Existing Panda(Lazy_Panda) 2 years ago

Pffft- I am laughing at so many of these

5points

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#84

Grandma: "Most people your age are married by now, why aren’t you?"
Me: "Most people your age are dead by now, why aren’t you?"

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44points

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What even is this 2 years ago

They have a goal to get you married, obviously

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#85

A man wakes from a coma. His wife changes out of her black clothes and, irritated, remarks, “I really cannot depend on you in anything, can I!”

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43points

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Elisa 2 years ago

I will feel the same way eventually

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#86

Cremation. My final hope for a smokin’ hot body!

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43points

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George Nichols 2 years ago

Well the problem is then your skin becomes all ashy.

15points

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#87

Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day.
Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he'll fly for the rest of his life.

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42points

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What even is this 2 years ago

Pancakes were one of my favorite foods

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#88

Son: "Dad, if I told you I was gay, would you still love me?"
Dad: "Don’t be silly son, you were an accident. I never loved you in the first place."

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42points

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Masha Aguer 2 years ago

Why can I relate?!

6points

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#89

My grandfather was the type of person who never threw anything away.
He died in World War II holding on to a hand grenade.

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42points

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What even is this 2 years ago

Someone's trying to get upvoted

2points

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#90

Why did Mozart kill all of his chickens?
When he asked them who the best composer was, they all replied, "Bach, Bach, Bach."

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41points

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Mason Williams 1 year ago

Ofc, two Instrumental Art Composers- a battle to the death.

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#91

Did you hear about the guy who got his left side chopped off?
He's all right now!

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41points

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Masha Aguer 2 years ago

Lol noo I laughed so hard I woke up my gf...

15points

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#92

My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me.
"She obviously has COVID", my wife said.
"Why?", I asked.
My wife replied with a sneer, "Because she has no taste."

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40points

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What even is this 2 years ago (edited)

Well then you must not either

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#93

I started crying when dad was cutting Onions.
Onions was such a good dog.

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40points

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Elisa 2 years ago

Yummy

9points

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#94

I have a stepladder because my real ladder left when I was 5.

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40points

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ButterflyCatcher56 2 years ago

Same here

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#95

What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.

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39points

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Down With Agent Hedgehog! 2 years ago

Well yeah me too (joking) obviously I don’t have a Lamborghini:)

7points

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#96

What’s the difference between a baby and a sweet potato?
About 140 calories.

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39points

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Brigitta Lomez 2 years ago

That must be diet baby, then

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#97

Gen Z should change their name to… Quaranteens.

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39points

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Masha Aguer 2 years ago (edited)

Is something wrong with me to like the nickname?

10points

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#98

Why did the man miss the funeral?
He wasn’t a mourning person.

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38points

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Mason Williams 1 year ago

Hehehehehe

2points

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#99

If someone burns to death, do they get a discount at the crematorium?

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36points

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Hales M 2 years ago (edited)

These are the sort of things I wonder at 2am when I know I need to be up in a few hours for an important appointment.

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#100

What do you call someone who won’t stop raving about how the world is going to end?
A climate scientist.

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36points

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Alicia GriffonLady 2 years ago

I was going to guess a religious nut, but they usually hold signs.

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#101

My friend said that if he went off a cliff, it would be on his own accord.
It's a good thing he drives a Civic.

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35points

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Johan Bergström Nordic Int Norrköping 1 year ago

Two of my latest grandchildren have had a great laugh at this one. Thank you?

2points

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#102

My therapist said time heals all wounds.
So I stabbed her.

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35points

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Masha Aguer 2 years ago

Why do I keep Laughing at these?! 💀 I really am starting to scare myself

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#103

My wife of 60 years told me, "Let's go upstairs and make love."
I just sighed and said, "Choose one, I can't do both."

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Gladys Hayes Southerland 2 years ago

I can relate. Put a sheet on your couch tho. Stains do not come out, no matter what you use

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#104

Since the pandemic started, my husband just stands there sadly looking through the window.
I should probably go let him inside.

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34points

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Mason Williams 1 year ago

Screenshot...8424f7.png

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#105

My grandfather lost his tongue during WW2.
He never talks about it.

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34points

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aya aya 1 year ago

Imagine the blood loss.... Yummy

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#106

I got a job at a library, but it only lasted 15 minutes.
Turns out, books about women’s rights shouldn’t go in the Sci-Fi / Fantasy section.

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33points

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Katie Kerg 2 years ago

N,o but the conservatives certainly think so

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#107

Patient: "Oh doctor, I’m just so nervous. This is my first operation."
Doctor: "Don’t worry. Mine too."

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33points

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Simone Saur 2 years ago

My dad always loved pointing out that every surgeon has a first operation

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#108

Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face.
For instance, when you push them down the stairs.

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32points

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TheElementalGod️️ 1 year ago

ugh, then it stinks up the whole building!

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#109

It's important to have a good vocabulary. If I had known the difference between the words 'antidote' and 'anecdote,' one of my good friends would still be alive.

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32points

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Johan Bergström Nordic Int Norrköping 1 year ago

This was so funny my granddad would love this!

3points

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#110

An apple a day keeps the doctor away.
Or at least it does if you throw it hard enough.

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31points

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Masha Aguer 2 years ago (edited)

I have to test this out!

8points

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#111

Why can’t Michael Jackson go within 500 meters of a school?
Because he’s dead.

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30points

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Ivan Petrov 2 years ago

🦗🦗🦗🦗🦗

2points

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#112

I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day.
It was impossible to put down.

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29points

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What even is this 2 years ago

I wish I had an immortal dog

8points

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#113

"Where exactly are you taking me, doctor?", the patient asked.
"To the morgue," the doctor replied.
"What?", the patient panicked. "But I'm not dead yet!"
"And we're not there yet," the doctor said.

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29points

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T5n 1 year ago

This must be the updated version of the “bring out your dead scene” from Monty Python and the Holy Grail

3points

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#114

What did the woman with no hands get for Christmas?
No idea. She hasn’t opened her present yet.

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29points

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What even is this 2 years ago

She got gloves

11points

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#115

Want to know how you make any salad into a caesar salad?
Stab it twenty-three times.

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Phyzzi 2 years ago

After you julian the veggies.

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#116

Sorry, what’s the quickest way to get to the hospital?
Easy, just stand in the middle of a busy road.

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28points

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Mason Williams 1 year ago

Not lying.

2points

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#117

What do you call a dog with no legs?
Doesn’t matter what you call him, he won’t come anyway.

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28points

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Rulof 2 years ago

Teach it to roll over

4points

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#118

The cemetery is so crowded.
People are just dying to get in.

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28points

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What even is this 2 years ago

Wonder why it's so easy

5points

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#119

I’ll never forget my dad’s last words: “Erase my search history, son.”

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28points

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Gladys Hayes Southerland 2 years ago

I hope that was after he gave you the password

5points

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#120

Patient: "Oh Doctor, I’m starting to forget things."
Doctor: "Since when have you had this condition?"
Patient: "What condition?"

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28points

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Dad of J 2 years ago

Me: "They say memory is the second thing to go with age." My wife: "Oh, really. What's the first?" Me: "Well, hello, sexy! What's your name?"

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#121

Welcome to Plastic Surgery Anonymous. Nice to see so many new faces.

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Kayessee 2 years ago

Im seeing a lot of new faces and frankly I'm disappointed.

3points

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#122

What's the last thing to go through a fly's head as it hits the windshield of a car going 70 mph?
Its butt.

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26points

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ETHAN KISH 1 year ago

poor fly's butt

0points

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#123

What’s the hardest part of a vegetable to eat?
The wheelchair.

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26points

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Cory Willson 2 years ago

I should have known this would be on the list

2points

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#124

Why don’t skeletons ever go trick or treating?
Because they have no body to go with.

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Masha Aguer 2 years ago

*GASP* maybe I'M a skeleton...

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#125

My girlfriend wanted a marriage just like a fairy tale. Fair enough.
I gave her a loaf of bread and left her in the forest.

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Phyzzi 2 years ago

Hardly the worst "fairy tale ending"

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#126

Why was the leper hockey game canceled?
There was a face off in the corner.

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25points

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Thomson StClair 2 years ago

The poker game ended when the leper threw in his hand

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#127

When ordering food at a restaurant, I asked the waiter how they prepare their chicken.
"Nothing special," he explained. "We just tell them they're going to die."

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25points

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#128

What did the Titanic say as it sank?
"I’m nominating all passengers for the Ice Bucket Challenge!"

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24points

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Cassi Lyris 2 years ago

Wow, this is about a lifetime late. 😳

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#129

What did Kermit the Frog say at his puppeteer’s funeral?
Not a word.

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24points

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#130

What's worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm?
Biting into an apple and finding half a worm.

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23points

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Mason Williams 1 year ago

@Down With Agent Hedgehog! Stop, get serious help dude

3points

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#131

What's the difference between a wizard who raises the undead and a sexy vampire?
One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer.

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22points

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#132

I don't have a carbon footprint. I just drive everywhere.

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20points

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Joshua Martin 2 years ago

Yes, the rest are just as bad. Not dark. You can stop reading now.

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#133

Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you.
That's the punch line.

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20points

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Alex Petro 1 year ago

Funny, I hope the drinks are fruit punch…

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#134

What do you call an inexpensive circumcision?
A rip-off.

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20points

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Masha Aguer 2 years ago

Accurate

4points

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#135

What do you get when you cross a rabbit and a pit bull?
Just the pit bull.

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20points

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Katie Kerg 2 years ago

No... You get really cute pictures of a bunnie and a pittie snuggling

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#136

What do you call it when every one of your friends makes too many dumb Covid jokes?
A pundemic.

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19points

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TY Maruta 11 months ago

I should send this to my friends

0points

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#137

“Madam, your son just called me ugly!”
“I’m so sorry, I must have told him like a thousand times it’s wrong to judge people on their looks…”

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19points

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#138

What animal has five legs?
A pitbull returning from a playground.

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19points

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Miles Mawyer 2 years ago

I've never met a pitbull that wasn't an angel

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#139

Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket?
"Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket."

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18points

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Simone Saur 2 years ago

This isn't really DARK though...

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#140

I just got my doctor's test results and I'm really upset. Turns out, I'm not gonna be a doctor.

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17points

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#141

The most corrupt CEOs are the ones who run pretzel companies. They’re always so twisted.

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17points

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Hales M 2 years ago

These... are... awful.

4points

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#142

Happy 60th birthday. At last, you can live undisturbed by life insurance agents!

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16points

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#143

They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it's poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important.

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15points

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Alex Petro 1 year ago

Unless your at a Chucky Cheese. Then your dead

0points

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#144

Did you hear about Pillsbury Doughboy?
He died of a yeast infection.

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15points

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ADHD McChick 2 years ago

They held his funeral at 3:50, for 45 minutes.

7points

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#145

What’s the special dish in a restaurant for cannibals?
Heads, shoulders, knees, and toes.

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15points

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TheElementalGod️️ 1 year ago

Om nom nom

2points

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#146

What's the difference between jelly and jam?
You can't jelly a clown into the tiny car.

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14points

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Ivan Petrov 2 years ago

Yes, you can - you just need to do it at high velocity.

3points

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#147

I heard Sony's coming out with a new console during the pandemic.
It's called the "Plaguestation 5".

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14points

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Alex Petro 1 year ago

4 week warranty

0points

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#148

What’s the difference between a hipster and a football player?
A football player showers.

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12points

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#149

The doctor gave me some cream for my skin rash. He said I was a sight for psoriasis.

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11points

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ADHD McChick 2 years ago

I'm in this joke, and I don't like it (okay, I do, LOL).

1point

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#150

I’ve stopped making jokes about Covid to my brother.
They flu over his head.

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11points

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150 Dark Humor Jokes For All The Dark Comedy Enthusiasts Out There

Games

Linas Simonaitis

Linas Simonaitis

Melanie Gervasoni

Melanie Gervasoni

Word Search

WordroW

Jigsaw

Crossword

Sudoku

Picdoku

Killer Sudoku

Kriss Kross

Word Flower