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“You Almost Always Get Forced To Work When Everyone Else Gets Time Off”: 30 Women Get Honest About The Toughest And Best Part Of Not Having Kids
Every adult is free to choose what kind of family they build and whether or not they want to have children. The decision is very personal and nobody should feel like they’re pressured to choose one way or the other. However, every decision—no matter how major or minor—has consequences, both positive and negative.
Redditor u/winter-thv went on the r/AskWomen subreddit and asked its ‘childfree’ members to share the “toughest and best” parts of choosing not to have kids. What followed was a very candid thread about the upsides and downsides of such a lifestyle.
Scroll down to read what these redditors had to say, dear Pandas. Are you 'childfree'? Do you have kids? How do you feel about your choices? Don’t forget to share your honest thoughts in the comments.
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#1
The best part is total freedom. The hardest part? I don't know. It's not hard to not have something you don't want.
RELATED:
#2
Toughest? Just dealing with people who think they know me better than myself. From parents and acquaintances to doctors, it's always "oh you'll change your mind/it's different when it's yours/what if your partner wants them" etc. I'm 30. If I wanted them by now, I would have. If I get pregnant, I'll terminate.
The best part? All my time and money (besides work and neccesities) are mine to do with what I please. No screaming children, no diapers, no worrying about babysitters, etc. You could not pay me enough to have kids. We are more than just potential mothers. We are people with our own wants, desires, and dreams.
#3
As a woman who still has doubts about being childfree, the toughest part is wondering if I’ll regret my decision.
The best part, is the freedom of conscience, knowing that I’m not bringing a child into the world without knowing if I really want to.
Many women in the r/AskWomen thread said that they didn’t regret their decisions and fully embraced the freedom and financial opportunities offered to them by their childfree lifestyle.
However, others noted that they’ve had relationships fall apart because of their choices and were looked down on. Others noted that they’re unsure if they might not regret their decision later on in life. Everyone’s specific circumstances seem to be unique, but there are some common threads. A lot of people can’t seem to stomach a woman not wanting to raise kids. And this isn’t the first time that we’re hearing about this.
#4
Toughest part:
Being looked at as less of a woman, as less of a person, because I don't have children. I don't think it's fair.
Best part:
There's one less person that I'm at risk of disappointing. I always told myself (when I was younger) that if I had a kid, I'd have to be the best mom on the planet and with my current state of mind, I know that wouldn't be the case.
I'm at peace knowing I'm not ruining another person's life or giving them less than they deserve. There are enough "bad mothers" in the world, I won't be one of them.
madeline tansey bryson 2 years ago
I applaud you. I had 2 children. Ruined their lives. They don't want to be around me now I am surviving, just, in my guilt
#5
Toughest is finding like-minded people who don’t make children the centre of the universe.
The best part is everything freaking else. My life is a stress-free, flexible, travel-filled, well-financed, well rested, and greatly enjoyed breeze. I love it.
#6
I love the freedom I have, my money is entirely my own, I can be selfish with it and I don’t need to worry about ensuring a small person is fed and warm.
For me the toughest part is that all my friends have kids, I’m single and so I have no one to do spontaneous things with because my friends all have to consider childcare etc but I’m happy doing things alone so that’s not the worst I guess. Also one of my friends became a mum and that became her whole personality, to the point that she stopped bothering to talk to me because I couldn’t possibly relate, she was my closest friend, that sucked.
A while back, Bored Panda had gotten in touch with u/Raveynfyre, one of the moderators running the popular r/childfree subreddit that welcomes people who choose not to have children.
There are two similar terms that people in the community like to distinguish between. ‘Childfree’ individuals don’t have kids because they don’t want them. Meanwhile, ‘childless’ folks either can’t have kids or simply haven’t gotten around to having them yet. Generally speaking though, large chunks of the internet shame both categories of people because they feel that they must have kids, at all costs.
#7
Toughest:
Finding out my partner of over 15+ years actually DID want kids the whole time and just assumed I would change my mind eventually. Also, learning they actually never wanted to get married without kids in the equation, because "what's the point?". We built an entire CF life together, and now I'm working on my exit because there's no other way this can go.
Best:
Having the ability to devote my time and efforts into things that make me happy for myself, and having full control over how I choose to spend my life.
Miss Frankfurter 2 years ago
A discussion that should always take place before you get married. Please do not say what you think the other person wants to hear because you’re afraid if you told the truth it would be a deal breaker and you’d lose them. Better then than later.
#8
I haven‘t faced any negative parts except people‘s assumptions I‘d still "change my mind" or misogynistic remarks because I‘m so young.
The best part is simply not having to take care of a child, struggle with the child‘s father and go through pregnancy/childbirth/postpartum etc.
#9
Toughest: annoying people who think that’s there’s *no way* a woman would ever *choose* to be child-free, I “just haven’t met the right man yet” or “it’ll happen” or “I used to think that way too, until I had kids of my own.” Ok, that’s great, please leave me alone, because I don’t have the energy to justify my VERY valid reasons for foregoing kids, the most prominent being I have absolutely *zero* urge or desire to procreate. I am completely lacking the “biological clock.”
Also, when I tried internet dating, it was pretty damn tough trying to find a dude who didn’t want or already have kids.
Best: F*****G FREEDOM. Everything that comes with NOT having my life revolve around spawn. Do I want to change jobs? Travel? Get another tarantula? Move? Have disposable income? Sleep in and then waste the day playing video games? Not have my things covered in boogers, feces, or whatever else kids get into? Use the restroom in peace? I can do it! And there are no regrets or questioning, just a quiet validation.
Oddly enough, I like *working* with kids and am getting my MA to be a therapist (I want to help kids/adolescents with trauma). I also love being able to send them back home, lol.
If you do have kids, it’s best that you want to do want to be a parent, rather than just giving in to social pressure or ticking some box. And while parenting can be even more rewarding and that it is challenging, it also doesn’t mean that it’s the only way to live. Raising munchkins isn’t for everyone: it’s completely valid not to want to be a parent. However, childfree people tend to get a lot of hate because they live their lives differently than the ‘norm.’
However, it’s not just childfree individuals who have to deal with tough situations. As we’ve covered on Bored Panda before, pregnant employees tend to face discrimination, too, for example, in the workplace.
Managers and colleagues tend to view pregnant employees as less competent and productive. As a result, quite a few employees end up hiding the fact that they’re pregnant as long as they can. Of course, this sort of discrimination is illegal in many countries. If you feel like this is happening despite your best attempts to work things out with management and HR, you may want to seek legal help or involve your union.
#10
Best part: more financial freedom, and I get to finally put myself first.
Worst part: people telling me it's my duty as a human with a uterus to have a child. And other intrusive questions.
Jessica Massie 2 years ago
The worst thing is that people who tell you having a uterus makes you someone who needs to have a child. Our bodies don't always work the way they think they do. It isn't your duty, and you obviously understand that. Good - people need to stop making assumptions and judgments.
#11
Toughest was being taken seriously by medical professionals to get a surgery.
Best? I have all the money and time in the world and zero extra responsibility.
Ruth Harper 2 years ago
It is so ridiculously hard for a woman to get a hysterectomy, even if she needs one for medical reasons, even if she knows she doesn't want kids, even sometimes if she actually can't biologically have kids.
#12
Worst part - wondering if you've made a terrible mistake about not having kids.
Best part - not having made a terrible mistake and had kids
Diana Pahule 2 years ago
Nope never considered it a terrible mistake. I appears I wasn't able to have them anyway.
#13
Toughest part - the idea that I may end up in a care home one day or living alone as a feeble old lady and have no family to come and visit me ever.
The best - I enjoy not having the responsibility, I have young niblings and my friend has recently had a baby, they’re hard f*****g work and they cost a fortune. I like that I can go where I went, when I want. I like that I can buy myself silly luxuries that I wouldn’t be able to afford if I was off work looking after a child or paying for childcare. I like my peace and quiet too much.
Zedrapazia 2 years ago
Having children is no guarantee you won't end up in a care home. You can't force them to take you in, and if they don't want to have you with them, you will have no choice
#14
Toughest? Being berated and belittled for most of my 20s, 30s, and early 40s that I couldn’t possibly know what true love is because I’d never be a mother.
Best? I’ll never regret having a kid.
Diana Pahule 2 years ago
I guess I was just weird enough that people were pretty much fine with me remaining childfree. Very little harassment.
#15
Worst part is feeling excluded and cast aside by mom-friends once they become moms. Best part is living my best life.
Miss Frankfurter 2 years ago
Worst, listening to your co workers and friends talking endlessly about diaper rash, toilet training, starter foods etc. Best, I don’t have to deal with all that. My cat doesn’t get diaper rash, she’s toilet trained and eats kibble.
#16
Greatest part is everything lol. I’m living my best life. I have money, I travel, I can relax, I sleep in, I am able to engage in self care, I make art, I go to concerts and restaurants whenever I want, basically I do what I want when I want and I love the freedom being childfree gives me. also the peace and quiet and my home is beautiful and clean and relaxing at all times. I feel so free.
Oh and smashing the patriarchy. I freaking love smashing the patriarchy.
The hardest part is probably the judgment and parents thinking my partner and I are weird for not having kids. But I try not to let it bother me and it usually doesn’t! :)
#17
Worst: the stupid questions/misogyny
Best: not losing my identity by becoming "Mom"
BannedFromABoatShow 2 years ago
When I realized I was mostly known as Child’s Name’s mom that really threw me.
#18
The hardest part is that my mom is great, and she truly deserves the joy of being a grandmother. But I can’t make that choice for her. If I could make her a grandma without becoming a mother, I would. I’m lucky, she’s nice about it, not one to always drop passive aggressive comments, but I know she feels the void.
The best part is not having that same, deep worry for the future. I still want the best for society and our planet, I want my goddaughters and the children of those I love to inherit a functional world — but, it’s not the same I don’t think. I’ve formed a detachment to the future that I didn’t have when I was younger snd don’t think I could have if I had children of my own
Oh, and money. Being a DINK is nice
#19
The best part is not being tied to a man after you break up lmao
The toughest is you almost always get forced to work when everyone else gets time off cause "BbBuTttt i HaVe KiDs"
Zedrapazia 2 years ago
You have a life too, kids or no kids. I'd stand my ground like an angry bull in your situation - you can spend enough time with your crotch goblins, it's time for me, lady NoKids, to take a break and follow some duck wherever it brings me
#20
Hardest: people telling me my life is incomplete about children. It is super invalidating of all everything I have accomplished.
Best: I have spare money. I do what I want. I don’t have to instill morals and ethics into a tiny human. I can eat cake for dinner and not feel like I am setting a bad example. I spend entire weekends playing video games.
Leanne Duval 2 years ago
As an older (42 when delivered) mom of 1, i was appalled by all the comments about "being complete". I am an educated, traveled, professional person with interests and experience and i was a COMPLETE PERSON before i got pregnant. It was honestly nauseating how many people thought they were complimenting me on my "accomplishment" of getting knocked up. WTH people.
#21
**Toughest:**
Being treated like I'm lesser or not an adult because I don't have children.
Getting doctors to prioritize my health over my fertility or some hypothetical baby I am never having. It took me years to finally get the care I needed (a hysterectomy).
I know my mom would have loved to be a grandma, so I feel bad for denying her that opportunity (and my sister also has no children).
**Best:**
Freedom. Do what I want, when I want.
No fear of something bad happening to my child in school.
Never having to deal with pregnancy and birth.
Also never worrying that I might be pregnant since I am now sterile.
Moosy Girl 2 years ago
Omg the doctor thing, I literally almost had to DIE before they considered a hysterectomy, despite being in my late 30’s and most likely infertile because of endometriosis anyway. The only thing I regret is not giving my parents grandchildren, but hey they got a grandcat.
#22
My family and friends. I’m Hispanic and not having children is basically a sin. My aunts specifically came at saying “whose gonna take care of you when you get old?”… like that’s not why you have children. My friends are either on their 2nd or 3rd and always invite me to kid events. Nope, don’t wanna do that. I’ll send the gifts and FaceTime happy bday.
Doctors who won’t help me stay child free. “You might change your mind” 🙄…. It’s been 20 years since I made this decision, but sure Doc, you must be right. I hate BC and just want my tubes tied, burnt or sacrificed to the Gods.
Well-Dressed Wolf 2 years ago
I’m white af but I was adopted into a Mexican family. Starting in my CHILDHOOD (which is majorly creepy if you think about it) my relatives started asking me how many kids I wanted. NONE. When I got a little older and started dating, it was “When are you getting married and having kids?” and when I was with the same boyfriend for 20 years, it was “When are you having kids? Why don’t you already have kids?” Holy c**p, lay off. Thankfully my mom gave up long ago.
#23
Best part?
Today, I'm 36.
My boyfriend surprised me with a trip about 6 hrs away. Complete with hot springs, couples massage, and a nice French restaurant.
He's currently making French press coffee, bacon, and pancakes. Later we'll go to the zoo for dinner and holiday decor.
Far too many people told me I'd regret not having kids by now. But here I am. No ragrets.
#24
Best part: Freedom, peace and quiet, silence, no responsibilities over anyone but myself, spending my money and time on things that actually brings me joy and happiness.
There is no worst part.
#25
Childfree and single here, 49F. The best part is the freedom. The worst part is the near total social ostracism by everyone who has a husband and children. That’s how you make friends in adulthood- through your spouse and kids. I have made almost no new friends since I was about 32 or so. And of course you lose some of the friends you do have when they have kids because you no longer fit together, sometimes their choice sometimes yours. Interestingly, I’ve started making friends again with divorced women whose kids are older. They tell me that when they get divorced, everyone disappears, even friends that were theirs alone before the marriage. Married people with kids do NOT want you around, and married people without kids want you to be their unicorn. F*****g hell man.
HellyHacka 2 years ago
I'm always very sad when a good friend gets pregnant, as it means the end of us as we both know it. Drunk me once said 'oh no, but I loved having you as a friend' upon being given pregnancy news. I'm fortunate to have found a group of friends with older kids but mostly no kids, and we live our best lives!
#26
Best part: I don't have a child. Which means I have energy, sleep, money, freedom, don't have to worry about the world we're leaving them, etc
Worst: people. Mom had some difficulty accepting it when I told her, which was annoying. I haven't even bothered telling dad as he probably won't care that much either way but also won't care to respect my feelings or choices. Its also annoying when my coworkers go "when you have children..." bla-bla as if it's a certainty. I get that it's a way people can tell others their experiences that ithrs aren't really interested in pretending it's advice they can find pretend will be helpful and not really about me, but still
So, only minor annoying s**t
#27
The toughest has been seeing my close friends and their special bond with their children. I think I'm especially sensitive of this because I didn't have a mom growing up, and not so much because I'd like to be a mom. Another thing that is probably linked to my childhood is seeing these women have families when I have none.
The best part is that I get to work on and discover myself, which is honestly the most amazingjourney I can imagine anyone undertaking; more people should do this and find out how fascinating and wonderful we all are. The other good thing is that it ends with me, and my childhood trauma won't affect anyone else.
#28
When I was younger I dealt with a lot of people assuring me I'd change my mind and several people assuming I'd change my mind without even talking about it. It bombed a few relationships. I think the judgement from relative strangers was the worst part because it often makes me want to ditch any future social interactions with them.
On the happy side, I can easily afford my life and I have a pile of nephews who are all great.
#29
The toughest part is people believing it’s a choice and assuming it’s from lack of capacity.
The best part is getting to be part of children’s lives because I learn and try to better understand the strains of motherhood through listening rather than polarising myself and defining myself as a ‘non-mother’.
Jessica Massie 2 years ago
This. This. This is it - and who wants to have to talk to people about this? I learned early on that capacity (you may be referring to financial, or physical, I don't know), but it is really no one else's business.
#30
Hardest part? I had to let go of a guy I was seeing because he wanted a child. We knew each other for many years and we decided to have a good time for a few months. Then he told me he wanted to start a family in the next 2 years and I said not with me. We are still friends but he just moved a woman and her child in with him and he's hoping by next year she will be pregnant. I'm happy for them, but still single.
Best part? This year I went to 3 festivals and for xmas I just bought myself a designer watch, a kayak, a German beer wench outfit. Also, when pokemon came out I was able to play nonstop for 3 days. I've never known such peace and happiness.
What do you think ?
Doyle Alan 2 years ago
Toughest part is people not thinking you make a family with two adults. Frustrating.
Scarlett 2 years ago
Worst part is that my mom will never accept it. She was one of those (crazy, in my opinion) people who wanted kids and she wants grandchildren out of her depressed mess of a kid. I don’t want kids. I can be a damn good counselor, I can work with kids, but I do not and will never want some of my own.
Doyle Alan 2 years ago
Toughest part is people not thinking you make a family with two adults. Frustrating.
Scarlett 2 years ago
Worst part is that my mom will never accept it. She was one of those (crazy, in my opinion) people who wanted kids and she wants grandchildren out of her depressed mess of a kid. I don’t want kids. I can be a damn good counselor, I can work with kids, but I do not and will never want some of my own.
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