"I wanted to be a banker. But then I lost interest."

Report

POST

Why did the banker eat lunch by himself?

Because he was a loaner.

Report

POST

"Are you a banker? Because I want you to leave me a loan."

Report

POST

"I asked the banker to check my balance. He pushed me."

Report

POST

Why did the teller lose his job at the bank?

An old lady asked him to check her balance, so he tipped her over.

Report

POST

"My dad always told me to work until my bank account looks like a phone number. So I did. Account balance: $9.11"

Report

POST

Kermit Jagger needed to take out a large loan, so he went to his bank and met with a banker named Patricia Wack.

Patricia asked, "Do you have something you can offer as collateral?" Kermit responded by placing a little porcelain figurine on the desk. Patricia was not impressed, but she went to her manager to explain the situation. The manager laughed, and replied,

"It's a knick knack, Patty Wack, give the frog a loan! His old man's a Rolling Stone!"

Report

POST

A naked man robbed a bank.

Nobody could remember his face.

Report

POST

"The bank must really like me. They keep telling me that my loan is outstanding."

Report

POST

"My bank recently called me to let me know I had an outstanding balance. I replied, “Thank you, I used to do gymnastics,” and hung up the phone. That was nice of them to say."

Report

POST

"I looked at my bank account and found I could live the rest of my life comfortably without working. As long as I die on Thursday."

Report

POST

"Did you hear about the frog that robbed a bank? I guess you can say he Kermitted a crime."

Report

POST

Did you hear about the woman who doesn't like banker jokes?

So if you take her on a date, you'd better not teller any.

Report

POST

Why did the banker resign?

His customers lost interest in him.

Report

POST

An immigrant, a worker and a banker are sitting at the table with 10 cookies.

The banker takes 9 and then tells the worker "Watch out, the immigrant is going to steal your cookie."

Report

POST

"This banker I know has absolutely no friends... I think he's loanly"

Report

POST

Never play poker with a banker.

They always have the best suits.

Report

POST

Dracula said he doesn't want to become an investment banker...

He hates stakeholders.

Report

POST

What do you get when you cross a banker with a fish?

A loan shark.

Report

POST

A doctor walks into a bank...

When he goes to sign a check, he pulls a rectal thermometer out of his pocket.

He looks up at the banker and says, "Dang it, some ***hole has my pen!"

Report

POST

Blackbeard goes into a bank looking to secure a loan for a new ship.

The banker nods and says, "Yes everything is in order. You'll be gettin' the standard 3.14% interest rate."

Blackbeard raises an eyebrow at that.

"The standard rate? What's that mean?"

"3.14%. You know... the Pi Rate."

Report

POST

"A persistent banker wouldn't stop hitting on me! Even after I asked him to leave me a loan."

Report

POST

"I went to the bank and asked to open a joint account.

The banker said, "Certainly , with whom?"

I said, "With anyone who has money.""

Report

POST

A retired banker went to a psychiatrist.

He said "For 30 years, I worked in a bank as a teller. Every day I would serve dozens of customers. I loved my job and never missed a day. Last month, I retired. Since then, every time I pass a bank, I have a huge craving to enter and take out money.
Even if I pass an ATM, I have to stop and take some cash out. I've got thousands of dollars in cash at home, yet every day I feel desperate to go to the bank and take out more. What's wrong with me?"

The psychiatrist thought for a bit and replied:

"It sounds like you're having Withdrawal Symptoms."

Report

POST

"That annoying banker wouldn't stop asking me questions. I specifically asked him to leave me a loan."

Report

POST

Give a man a gun and he will rob a bank.

Give a man a bank and he will rob everyone.

Report

POST

Why did the skeleton not rob the bank?

He did not have the guts.

Report

POST

If you have no interest in banking, you are not a loan.

Report

POST

"If money talks, why do we need bank tellers?"

Report

POST

What do you call a man with a head full of change?

Headquarters.

Report

POST

Why did the little old lady put her money in the freezer?

She wanted cold, hard cash.

Report

POST

"I got an email that said, “You have won $35,148,216. To complete the transaction, we will need your bank details.”
“Certainly,” I replied. “It’s a big building with money inside.”"

Report

POST

What do you call the new girl at the bank?

The Nutella!

Report

POST

Why did the duck go to the bank?

Because he wanted to get a new bill.

Report

POST

Why did the idiot over draw his checking account?

Because he had no cents.

Report

POST

"A friend of mine invented a washing machine for bank notes. It’s a real money spinner."

Report

POST

A bank manager friend has given up riding his bike.

He has lost his balance.

Report

POST

"My bank has opened an outlet in the local police station. It’s their special branch."

Report

POST

What do you call a piece of fruit who held up a bank and stole some money?

It was a strobbery.

Report

POST

Did you hear about the investment banker who became a horse breeder?

He was always looking for the most stable returns.

Report

POST

"Why didn’t my banker like my bank joke? I guess it didn’t make cents."

Report

POST

How did Doctor Octopus rob a bank without a gun?

He was well armed.

Report

POST

How many bankers does it take to change a light bulb?

Four. One to hold the bulb, and three to try and remember the combination.

Report

POST

Bankers — they lend you an umbrella and take it back when it rains!

Report

POST

"I remember being in so much debt that I couldn’t afford my electricity bills. It was a dark time."

Report

POST

"I think I could become a banker. I always want to be a loan."

Report

POST

What did the rapper say to his banker?
"Can I postpone Malone?"

Report

POST

What did the football coach say when he went to the bank?

“I want my quarterback!”

Report

POST

What do you call a flawless bank robbery with no fingerprints left behind?

Stainless steal.

Report

POST

How do you know that your banking app gives you lots of positive feedback?

Every time you log in it tells you that your balance is outstanding.

Report

POST

Why couldn’t the bank robbers steal £2000?

Because it was a ton.

Report

POST

A banker tells his client that a £1,000,000 investment will turn into a ton of money!

So the the client asks, "How much is a ton of money?"

The banker responds, "Two thousand pounds."

Report

POST

A man driving to the store finds no place to park...

He sees an empty parking spot and eagerly drives his car into the slot, paying no attention to the "Customer Only" sign.

When he comes back, his car has disappeared.

He storms into the bank, where he demands to know where his car went.

The banker looks straight into his eyes and whispers "I towed you so."

Report

POST

What's a bankers Favorite place to go on vacation?

The Czech Republic

Report

POST

90 year old farmer goes to the banker for the loan to buy land. The banker has some concerns due to the old codgers age.

"What happens if you die before the loan is paid off?" The banker asks.
"I'll send you a check from heavan, because God would want all my obligations taken care of," The old farmer answered.

"But what if you go the other direction?" the banker queried.
"Then I'll deliver it to you in person."

Report

POST

Why was the woodchopper arrested at the bank?

He walked into a bank, pointed a long, thin piece of wood at the ceiling, and shouted, “This is a stickup!”

Report

POST

When does it rain money?

When there is change in the weather.

Report

POST

What did the comedian say when he walked into a bank?

"This is a stand-up."

Report

POST

A basketball player and a horse jockey just robbed the bank.

Police are looking high and low for the culprits.

Report

POST

Where do fish keep their money?

In the riverbank.

Report

POST

People who rob jewelry stores and banks are pretty bad.

But people who rob bakeries really take the cake.

Report

POST

Why do goalkeepers have so much money in the bank?

They’re really good at saving.

Report

POST

What did the nut say when it held up the bank?

“Give me all the cashew have!”

Report

POST

"My uncle always told me he had a fortune in a safe deposit box.
He left me the key in his will. I went to the bank, trembling with anticipation, got access to the box, took it into the private viewing room.
I opened the box and looked in, there was an envelope inside, when I opened it, a folded piece of paper fell out.
I read it, and it said: “Good things are ahead for you. Your lucky numbers are 6, 10, and 13.”"

Report

POST

What did the bank teller say to the patron?

“Bank you very much.”

Report

POST

What’s the hardest part about being addicted to banking?

The withdrawals.

Report

POST

Why did the banker die?

He cashed out.

Report

POST

"I went to the bank to apply for a personal loan. Then they found out I wanted to be a rapper. So they didn’t want to Post Malone."

Report

POST

If a banker and a lawyer were both drowning and you could only save one, would you go to lunch or read the paper?

Report

POST

A man visits his bank manager and asks, “How do I start a small business?”
The manager replies, “Start a large one and wait six months.”

Report

POST

Why did the post office have to recall a series of stamps depicting famous bankers?

People were confused about which side to spit on.

Report

POST

"I went to get tornado insurance for my camp site, but the bank refused. They said, “If your tent gets blown away, you won’t be covered.”"

Report

POST

"What starts with 0 and end with 0? My bank account."

Report

POST

Where do penguins keep their money?

In a snow bank!

Report

POST

Why did the man put his money in the freezer?

He wanted cold hard cash!

Report

POST

A local bank is introducing a cash machine built into a tree.

If it’s successful, they might expand to other branches.

Report

POST

"I went to the bank and swapped 100 grapes for 50 raisins. Not sure about the currant exchange rate."

Report

POST

"A banker friend told me to put something away for a rainy day. I’ve gone for an umbrella."

Report

POST

Why can’t a bank keep a secret?

Because there are too many tellers.

Report

POST

Why did the baker rob the bank?

Because he kneads the dough.

Report

POST

What is a bank’s favourite part of the tree?

The branches.

Report

POST

"Why do banks need to be better at restocking ATMs on Christmas? Because this is the 5th one I have been to that said insufficient funds."

Report

POST

What’s the difference between churches and banks?

Both take your money but only one gives it back.

Report

POST

Why did the smartphone go to court?

The power bank charged him with battery.

Report

POST

Why are piggy banks so wise?

They’re filled with common cents.

Report

POST

Did you hear about the guy who tried to rob a bank with a statue?

It was a bust.

Report

POST

Why did the fisherman become a banker?

He knew all about net worth.

Report

POST

What’s common between your mental health and your bank account?

Both are considered fund-a-mental to a successful life.

Report

POST

Why do bankers make really bad movies?

They’re tellers, not showers.

Report

POST

Why did the bison go to the bank?

To take out a buffaloan.

Report

POST

Why did the one-legged man go to the bank?

To check his balance.

Report

POST

Did you hear about the rival bankers?

There was a conflict of interest.

Report

POST

Why was Mr, Dolphin’s bank heist so successful?

Because it was a whale orca-strated plan.

Report

POST

What happened to the Archaeologists that just excavated an ancient bank?

It put them in financial ruin.

Report

POST

Why is it hard to buy stuff in winter?

The bank account is frozen.

Report

POST

Why are bank robbers in the UK so strong?

They’ve lifted a million pounds.

Report

POST

Did you all hear about the dwarf psychic that robbed a bank?

He’s a small medium at large.

Report

POST

What is the difference between a stalker and an admirer?

The number of zeroes in your bank account.

Report

POST

3 guys walk into a bakery; an investment banker, a government employee, and a tea partier.

The lady behind the counter puts out a dozen cookies.

Wall Street pockets 11 and tells the tea partier, "the government worker is trying to steal your cookie!"

Report

POST

What's the difference between an Investment Banker and a large pizza?

The pizza can feed a family of four.

Report

POST

How do you define optimism?

A banker who irons 5 shirts on a Sunday.

Report

POST

"I need a new bank account. This one has run out of money."

Report

POST

"I’m not saying my banker is bad at his job... but when I went into his office and asked him to check my balance, he tried to push me over."

Report

POST

What’s another name for long-term investment?

A failed short-term investment.

Report

POST

Why did the banker dump his girlfriend?

He lost interest.

Report

POST

Why won't bankers go to the opera?

Because they quickly lose interest.

Report

POST

A blonde walks into a bank and says "Hands in the air! This is a screw-up!"

The banker, confused, says "Surely you must mean a 'stick-up'."

The blonde responds, "No, I forgot the gun."

Report

POST

Remember in Monopoly, when some insufferable kids couldn't agree who was banker, they'd refuse to play completely?

Welcome to the shutdown...

Report

POST

Why did the banker like the TV show?

Because he was invested in the story.

Report

POST

Why did the bank owner buy cows?

To beef up security.

Report

POST

Why is a river rich?

Because it has two banks.

Report

POST

"I used to have an account with a bank at the North Pole. They froze all my assets."

Report

POST

Why did the old man take raisins to the bank?

He wanted to set up a current account.

Report

POST

A criminal robbed a bank wearing a suit made of many mirrors.

But he turned himself in after taking some time to reflect.

Luckily the judge was lenient, as he saw a lot of himself in the young man.

Report

POST

Why did the tightrope walker go to the bank?

To check his balance.

Report

POST

Chuck Norris doesn’t have a bank account.

He just tells the bank how much money he needs.

Report

POST

What did the tree do when the bank closed?

Started its own branch.

Report

POST

Sign above bank teller’s station:

“To err is human, to forgive is not bank policy.”

Report

POST

If bankers can count, how come they have eight windows and only two tellers?

Report

POST

“Timmy, what do you want to be when you grow up?”

“I’m gonna follow in my dad’s footsteps and be a police officer.”

“Is your dad a police officer?”

“No, he’s a bank robber.”

Report

POST

A young banker decided to get a tailor-made suit. So he went to the finest tailor in town and got measured for a suit. A week later he went in for his first fitting. He put on the suit and he looked stunning, he felt that in this suit he can do business.

As he was preening himself in front of the mirror, he reached down to put his hands in the pockets and to his surprise he noticed that there were no pockets.

He mentioned this to the tailor who asked him:
“Didn’t you tell me you were a banker?”
The young man answered:
“Yes, I did.”
To this the tailor said:
“Who ever heard of a banker with his hands in his own pockets?”

Report

POST

A robber pulled a gun on the bank clerk and manager saying, “Give me all the money! I need it to set myself up in a trade or profession. You know, initial investment is needed to cover the overheads until my cash flow is established.”

The bank manager said to the clerk, “You’d better do what he says, I think he means business.”

Report

POST

"Everyone in my family was a police officer, except for my grandad, who was a bank robber. He died last week. Surrounded by his family."

Report

POST

Why did the bank robber in a Pittsburgh Steelers jacket get away?

He was surrounded by people in Arizona Cardinals jackets who couldn't catch him!

Report

POST

A friend's business "Cooking with Spices" has not been successful.

His bank has called in the bay leafs.

Report

POST

"I do enjoy getting cash out of the bank and then throwing it in the river and watching it float away. I like studying my cash flow."

Report

POST

"Went to the bank and they told me they could offer me a credit card with no interest. I said, “Why are you bothering then?"

Report

POST

My bank manager doesn’t give my business ideas the credit they deserve.

Report

POST

A man is told the local bank offers mortgages with no interest.

The man enters the bank and says, "I’m here to find out about the mortgage."

Employee responds, "I don’t really care."

Report

POST

Why can’t cats work at the bank?

Because they can’t count money.

Report

POST

What’s the difference between a snow bank and a regular bank?

The snow bank doesn’t call security when you point a gun at it.

Report

POST

Why do bankers make really good musicians?

They have all the notes.

Report

POST

What’s a banker’s favorite rock song?

How Do I Get You ALoan.

Report

POST

What do electricians and bankers have in common?

They both deal with alternating currency.

Report

POST

Why can’t bankers cook?

There’s no accounting for taste.

Report

POST

Did you hear about the guy that robbed banks and his getaway “vehicle” was a baby sheep?

He’s still on the lamb.

Report

POST

Jones applied to a finance agency for a job, but he had no experience.
He was so intense that the manager gave him a tough account with the promise that if he collected it, he'd get the job.

Two hours later, Jones came back with the entire amount. "Amazing!" the manager said. "How did you do it?"

"Easy," Jones replied.

"I told him if he didn't pay up, I'd tell all his other creditors he paid us."

Report

POST

Why don't sharks attack bankers?

Professional courtesy.

Report

POST

What's the difference between an investment banker and a pigeon?

A pigeon can put down a deposit on a Porsche.

Report

POST

After retiring, a banker decides that he wants to run a farm in Mexico. When he gets there, the locals give him a donkey as a present. However, the banker has never had a donkey before, and not knowing how to look after it properly, soon the donkey dies.

Being a banker, the man comes up with a cunning plan to make money out of the situation. He goes to the next town over, and starts selling raffle tickets, advertising the main prize as a strong stallion of a donkey. He charges 10 Pesos for a raffle ticket, and waits till the end of the day when he has sold 50 raffle tickets. He sets up a formal draw, and gets the local mayor to draw the winning ticket, after which he tells the winner to come and see him the next day to collect the prize. All the other town participants go home, having had a good time and enjoyed the raffle.

The next day the winner comes to collect the prize, but the banker shows him the dead donkey and apologizes saying the donkey died overnight and there was nothing he could do. He hands the winner his 10 pesos back and gives an extra 10 as a compliment. The banker himself pockets the rest of the 480 pesos.

Report

POST

"Talked to my bank manager the other day and he said he was going to concentrate on the big issues from now on. He sold me one outside Boots yesterday!"

Report

POST

What's the problem with banker jokes?

Bankers don't think they're funny, normal people don't think they're jokes.

Report

POST

A man and his wife were discussing what they thought their son might be when he grew up. "I have an idea," said the father. He put a ten-dollar bill, a bottle of whiskey, and a Bible on the coffee table. "If he takes the money he'll be a banker. If he takes the whiskey he'll be a wino, and if he takes the Bible that means he'll be a preacher."

So the man and his wife hide just before their son comes in the door, and watch from where they're hiding.

The boy saunters over to the coffee table. He picks up the ten-dollar bill, looks at it, then sets it down. He picks up the bottle of whiskey, uncorks it, sniffs it, then sets it down. Then he picks up the Bible, leafs through it, then sets it down.

Then the boy takes the money and stuffs it into his pocket, grabs the whiskey, and walks off with the Bible under his arm.

"Well how do you like that!" exclaims the father. "He's going to be a politician!"

Report

POST

A 90 year old woman is getting married for the fourth time.
A news crew is there to document the story.
The reporter asks the woman about her odd marital past.

"Let me get this right," he says. "Your first husband was a banker. Your second husband was a clown. Your third husband was a doctor, and you're about to marry a mortician. Why the menagerie of different men?"

She smirked and said, "It was one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready and four to go."

Report

POST

"My dad works as a banker at Wells Fargo. I asked him to open a checking account for me. "A checking account? What do you need two checking accounts for? Are you sure you want three checking accounts and a saving account? Fine, I'll open four checking accounts, two savings accounts and a line of credit for you.""

Report

POST

In a bar, there's a guy hitting on a cute banker girl.

The guy brags about all his riches and possessions, but he got shot down by the girl immediately.

The girl said, "Leave me a loan!"

The guy noticed the wordplay, he praised the girl. "That's a pretty clever pun! ...But not as pretty as you"

The girl, now irritated, said. "I'm not kidding, leave me a loan! I lost interest."

Report

POST

Why did the banker break up with his girlfriend?

Because she showed him no interest.

Report

POST

What did the recluse say to the bank teller when he needed money?

“Leave me a loan.”

Report

POST

If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?

Report

POST

What’s the difference between a tragedy and a catastrophe?

A tragedy is a ship full of bankers going down in a storm; a catastrophe is when they can all swim.

Report

POST

Einstein dies and goes to heaven only to be informed that his room is not yet ready.
“I hope you will not mind waiting in a dormitory. We are very sorry, but it’s the best we can do and you will have to share the room with others” he is told by the doorman.

Einstein says that this is no problem at all and that there is no need to make such a great fuss.
So the doorman leads him to the dorm.
They enter and Albert is introduced to all of the present inhabitants. “See, here is your first roommate. He has an IQ of 180!”

”That’s wonderful!” says Albert. “We can discuss mathematics!”

”And here is your second roommate. His IQ is 150!”

”That’s wonderful!” says Albert. “We can discuss physics!”

”And here is your third roommate. His IQ is 100!”

”That’s wonderful! We can discuss the latest plays at the theater!”

Just then another man moves out to capture Albert’s hand and shake it.
“I’m your last roommate and I’m sorry, but my IQ is only 80.”

Albert smiles back at him and says, “So, where do you think interest rates are headed?”

Report