At my first big job interview, I was insanely nervous. The interviewer asked, "How do you handle stress?"

And I suddenly let out a loud fart.

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Libstak

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Oh sorry, I misunderstood, I thought you wanted a demonstration.

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My grandmother died, my mom was finishing up her cremation arrangements with the local funeral home when my dad died in a car accident two weeks later.

My mom calls up the funeral home, and her grief-stricken sick sense of humor forces her to ask if they have any two for one deals on cremation services.

SpectralCoding , Akshar Dave/unsplash Report

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TribbleThinking

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Would it be macabre to disclose that I received Coop reward points worth about £100 for MrTribbleTheFirst's funeral? I have a whole folder of odd and ghoulish experiences about widowhood.

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My grandfather's blind dog passed unexpectedly, upon hearing the news, first thing out of my mouth was "well, at least she didn't see it coming" and I never wished I had a filter more, than in that moment.

quietone36 , Madalyn Cox /unsplash Report

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Just snorted out loud in the pub right now.

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Maybe not that serious, but as I was getting rung up by a cashier and he handed me my receipt, my brain couldn't decide between "thanks homie" and "thanks bro" so my mouth went "thanks homo".

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Mr: Reads the caption . Also me: Dies with laughter ... literally OMG how embarassing LMAO

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I was in a finance-related meeting with my director and CEO. I suddenly had one of those sneezes that come out of nowhere with no warning.

Didn't have time to cover my mouth, and to make matters worse I shot out a loogie (ball of mucus/phlegm) right onto my CEO's boob.

I wanted to die, but my CEO, cool as a cucumber took a tissue and gave it to me, while grabbing another and wiping my loogie off. She smiled at me and said "You don't raise two kids without becoming desensitised to that stuff". And continued like nothing happened.

My director on the other hand started tearing up and his temple vein was bulging. I could tell he was trying so goddamn hard not to burst out laughing.

lifesnotperfect , Brittany Colette /unsplash Report

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Kimberly Bailey

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LMAO!! This one is great! :D

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I once accidentally replied “Love you” at the end of a work call with my boss.. but she laughed and said love you too haha.

Glittering-Health625 , Chase Chappell /unsplash Report

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andyj2453

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Miss you already lol

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I walked into my office, and a lady from HR was sitting in my chair. I said, “Well, looks like I’m going to have to sit in your lap” and then she says, “Come on over. Giddy up!” My face turned bright red. She left, I sat down, we never spoke of it again.

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Andrew Keir

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HR with a sense of humour - that's a good day :-)

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In a customers house repairing his dishwasher:
Cx: I don't even use the dishwasher much since I lost my wife
Me: Have you gone out to look for her? Sorry sorry sorry.

F**k me... I'm an idiot. It just slipped.

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Robert T

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My mind wants to do that whenever somebody says that somebody "passed". Passed what? Their exams? Their driving test? We normally say "passed away" here. The "away" is important!

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During a wake, i accidentally said congratulations instead of condolences. i felt ashamed because my friend with me then can't hold his laughter which made it worst.

chaechae01 , Pablo Merchán Montes/unsplash Report

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Widdershins66

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In my teens I was at my boyfriend's Nanna's funeral. I hardly knew anyone and it was really awkward. Afterwards at the Wake, several of us ended up in the kitchen when I, trying to break the ice, cheerfully said the immortal words "ALL THE BEST PARTIES END UP IN THE KITCHEN" 🤦🤦🤦 No one laughed.

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I went for a bike ride in my neighborhood at about 12 at night a month ago. It was pitch black other than streetlights every 5 or 6 houses.

I was kinda just zoning out, enjoying the fresh air, when something moved out of the corner of my eye. I turned my head to look, and I immediately assumed it was some kind of monster (I had just finished a horror movie), so I let out an extremely loud, bloodcurdling scream in the middle of the night in a silent suburban neighborhood. The thing, which turned out to be a blond soccer mom, screamed back at me, with pretty good reason.

I zipped past her on my bike, yelling "oh my god I'm so sorry!" over and over again until I got off the street..

I haven't gone on a nighttime bike ride since then.

arki_pg , Vladislav Klapin/unsplash Report

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Andrew Keir

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Ride with lights on your bike - failure to do this can be lethal

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My partner and I went into a shop. When we were leaving, after paying, I thought the cashier said "would you like a receipt? I was walking out of the shop and waved at her and said" No thanks".

What she actually said was "Have a good weekend."

I couldn't work out why my partner was looking at me like I had two heads. 😂 😂.

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SirWriteALot

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Hahaha :-) THis one made me laugh out loud. I can just FEEL the embarassment :-D

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My daughter's mom passed away a few years ago when my daughter was 14. (now 17.) The way she and I have coped is by cracking 'your mom' jokes with one another..

2 years ago we moved and she started at a new school and met new friends. One day when they were over I let a your mom joke slip in front of them without even realizing they had no idea we did that with each other..

Her friends gave me a look of disgust and started tearing into me about what I had just said, all while my daughter is laughing her a*s off because I'm getting chewed out by her new friends. She finally explained to them the situation, but still. It was kind of nice seeing some friends she had just met a week or 2 prior stick up for her like that though. To this day they are all still really good friends as well.

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Leoninus Fate

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its me and my kids~ {most of them are adopted from abusive homes and orpanage/fosters, so some have no parents or lost them} i always let them know that a Joke is always done with out harm, and if someone is offended by it, don't let them have your jokes because those are not for them {usally cause they read into it too hard when it is .... a JOKE}

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My first time at an airport alone, I was anxious about the entire thing. I was at the check in kiosk and when the officer held his hand out, I shook it. Turns out he was asking for my passport...

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Andrew Keir

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I doubt that that's the strangest thing that happened to him that week ...

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I vomited on a patient we were transporting on the ambulance, who was experiencing cardiac issues. 

Fortunately, he thought it was hilarious. As my crew took him in, and I started cleaning, wishing I’d melt through the floor, someone opened the ambulance door. 

“I just hear you puked on a patient!” It was one of the ER doctors. I wished I could melt through the floor even more dearly as he went on to tell me that he’d done the same thing as a resident, but never met anyone else who’d managed that. 

As it would turn out, I was severely ill, with a disease that has vomiting with no prior warning as one of its symptoms. It would be months before that got figured out, though, and didn’t make me feel any better about this call.

Starshapedsand , Mathurin NAPOLY / matnapo/unsplash Report

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Leoninus Fate

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before my aunt died, she was ok moving around but she had diabetes and had to go get dialysis, cause of that she would get sick easily {they were starting her on chemo too and for background, I cant drive cause disabled, and she couldn't, disabled so we took ubers} and one of the times she was going with me to my Dr app since i needed help and my husband couldn't go, she went {she was able to walk up the stairs too, like this was 5 months before she died too, she was good till the last week} with me in the uber to go, on the way home she starts to gag and while the driver is trying just to drive, I calmly take off my shirt put it in front of her, hold her head and told her " just throw up in it if you need to its ok" and poor hun.... she did, she was embarrassed and I just wrapped it up and took my second shirt off {yeah I wear 2 shirts for stuff like this cause iv learned it helps} and gave her the second one to clean up with and if she needed to again

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After my grandmother's funeral I went back to work and my boss nervously asked how she was.

I shrugged, "Still dead". Everybody tittered awkwardly and Marvin apologized profusely. Was cool, just gallows humor.

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Leoninus Fate

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they sent a test to my aunt, for her to send back so they could tell her if she had cancer, it was ordered to come in Feb, but we...I... got it in sept.... so I called them up and told them she can't use it and they need to take it back, I got told "she needs this test, doesn't she want to know if she has cancer? DOES SHE WANT TO DIE FROM CANCER?" I "calmly" replied "well she died 2 months ago from Cancer that we found out she had after they checked her body, so no she doesn't need it and YES SHE DIED FROM CANCER" The woman started just trying to back peddle on her words and tells me to send it back, i told her nope she can get it when they take my aunt's Hospice stuff away... I moved out about 3 days later, so i hope that box is rotting there

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As a low ranking team lead in a staff meeting, a senior manager started yelling and shouting at me.

We had been disagreeing about a point of fact for 1/2 hour.

I heard myself tell him to go outside if he wanted to keep shouting.

The room went silent. Real silent...

I played the scene back in my head. What I really said:

"If you want to shout at me, step outside!"

He shut up. No one blinked. I pondered for a very long moment. Realized that nothing said was an overt threat. So I sat back down.

He never shouted at me again. No one did.

After lunch break, someone else brought up my data, proving I was right. No, he didn't apologize.

It was a very good day. lol.

Striking_Reindeer_2k , Sebastian Herrmann/unsplash Report

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Kimberly Bailey

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You said what you needed to in this situation!

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My coworkers and I worked by windows and could see it snowing and had been talking about the cold weather. My boss received a phone call that his aunt passed away.

I gave my condolences and then said, “she’s in a better place now. Somewhere warm.”

I meant a nice beach, but I basically said his auntie is in Hell.

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Andrew Keir

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You didn't say 'hot' - if there were a Heaven I hope it would be at least warm... Dante had ice at the heart of his (imagined) Hell

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Not me, but at my grandpa‘s funeral we went to his favourite golf course to scatter his ashes. It was, of course, a very dusty affair as people moved around and sprinkled ashes in different locations. At one point, my aunt was sobbing into my cousin’s shoulder and my mom walked up to her, pointing out one of the errant dusty handprints and declaring, “You have some grandpa on your butt.”

CausticSofa , Javardh /unsplash Report

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Kimberly Bailey

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This is akin to my own grandfather going to visit my grandmother's grave stating he's "going to get a piece of ash" :D (miss them both)

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Watched my little cousin choke on candy. Watched his father and my other family save him. Upon realizing he choked on a Lifesaver I quipped how that candy did not live up to it's name. It was a dumb joke and everyone stared daggers at me for several minutes after.

Temporary-Purchase26 , Mike Mozart/flickr Report

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Fat Harry (Oi / You)

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I can't help but think that many of these would go down a lot better in the UK where we all have a fairly morbid, sarcastic sense of humour.

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I was a shop supervisor and I noticed two employees putting stock away but mixing up a lot of the colours. I went over and mentioned that a few of the items were in the wrong places and they went to fix it but were still putting them in the wrong spots, so I jokingly said “Geez, it’s like the blind are leading the blind”. BOTH of them turned to me and said “I’m colourblind” 😭.

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Andrew Keir

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Maybe you should have known this ? I had a friend who was red/green colour-blind. HIs model railway signal lights were a disaster! And when he learnt to drive, the instructor taught him "Stop at the top, go on the low" to handle the fact that red and green look the same to him, but (in UK anyway) the red light is at the top of the bunch. He passed ...

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Accidently said "Yeah, she needs to get something off her chest." when my ex's friend came by to talk to her about being diagnosed with breast cancer. I just didn't know how to handle the conversation and blurted out the first thing that popped into my head, then after I realized what I said started laughing like an idiot before leaving the room while yelling I was so sorry.

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Andrew Keir

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We've all done something like that, at some time. Leave it behind you.

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Eighth grade. It still haunts me. We had a girl in our class who had cancer. She missed a lot of classes and we were doing a collection for her. I think we were selling things to donate towards her medical bills.

One day the teacher mentioned something going on on the weekend and I piped up "But what about the collection for Robin?" At which point the whole class gasped and shushed me. Robin happened to be in class that day. It was supposed to be a surprise. I covered quickly saying we were planning a visit to her hospital which she already knew about.
The teacher said not to worry about it when I stayed after class and cried because of my big mouth.

Robin died that summer, bravely asking that life support be turned off. 8th grader. I think about her often. I'm still crushed I ruined the surprise. She didn't have a lot of good surprises left in her earthly life. And I ruined one of the last.

It really does tear at my heart to this day. It's been over 30 years.

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FloC

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That is so sad. But I am sure that even if the surprise was "ruined", Robin was very happy to know that her classmates were doing this for her.

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I was young, and my mother pulled us kids aside to say, "your grandmother just had a round of chemo and lost all her hair. She'll be wearing a wig - please do not make any comments about her hair," and I have trouble connecting thoughts together. Forgetting everything I was *just* told, she walked in the door, and I immediately said "Hi!! Wow, you got a haircut! It looks great!"

Lothar_Ecklord , William Krause/unsplash Report

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Kimberly Bailey

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Ooops...grandmas are very forgiving :)

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When I was like 6, my friend's dad who lived in the same apartment complex as me committed s*icide. I used to go over to their place a lot and play on their Xbox since I didn't own one. I was pretty obsessed with it. The day it happened, his family used my bedroom to tell him what had happened. I wasn't given the full details, so to comfort him I went up to him and said "at least you get the Xbox now". I was such a stupid 6 year old.

connor6677 , Emily Wade/unsplash Report

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Andrew Keir

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You were doing your best, with the social skills you had at 6. Don't beat yourself up about it all these years later - it does nobody any good.

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An old couple was pushing around an obviously upset baby. I said that she probably misses her Mom. They then informed me that her parents died in a car accident a couple of days ago.

darthatheos , Aleksandar Kurešević /unsplash Report

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Kimberly Bailey

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That's just bad luck you ran into a situation like this :(

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I was in a cabinet meeting with the Governor. Every executive director, deputy director, and communications director was in this meeting. There was a brief intermission, where all the mics were hot, letting everyone virtual and in person hear us.

Sitting 3 people over from the governor, I got up and went “Great, I need to potty.”

And proceeded to walk out like nothing until I got to the bathroom and reflected on the situation, then walked back in making no eye contact with anyone.

An unforeseen side effect of potty training a toddler is, evidently, using “potty” completely unironically in front of grown adults and political leaders.

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Andrew Keir

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It's a euphemism, it'll do

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At my friend’s dad’s funeral, the theme was florals. I showed up wearing black. That isn’t the bad part though. The bad part was when I was talking with a few other people and saw another girl wearing black, and I said, word for word, “oh we’re wearing black! We’re the black people!” We are both white. I think about that everyday.

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Nea

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Funerals have themes??

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I was tormented during high school by a kid named Steve. He was always picking on me and teasing me and making fun of me for being gay (I’m not, but this was 2005-9, when it was a common insult and you didn’t want to be the “gay kid” in a rural NH town). It stopped after I stood up to him in my senior year.

I came back to my hometown from college for Memorial Day, and went to a cookout at my uncles house. While there, I was talking with my cousins and a few other people I didn’t know. It came up that he’d died in a car wreck a few weeks or months before, and I confess, I took that news with a smile. I also said something under my breath to the effect of “good riddance”.

Well, one of the people attending this particular cookout, who was sitting next to me and overheard me, was his mom. She did NOT take that with a smile, but hey her son was an a*****e to me every day for 3.5 years, I’m not going to lie about it. Plus, I’d never met her before, so how could I know who she was? Yeah d**k move to say it out loud, but I still agree with the feeling. F**k Steve.

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Phil Green

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Over the years, I have noticed, when people are being interviewed on TV (in particular), how it's only ever the good people that die. I would love to see an interview where one of them says something like you said, OP!

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I once accidentally called my boss "Mom" during a serious meeting. The room went silent for a second, and I just wanted to disappear ! haha.

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Andrew Keir

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My daughters went to the school where I teach. One of them ended up in my class. She lasted several weeks before accidentally calling me "Dad" in class. Mayhem erupted ...

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Having been a first responder for 20+ years, I cannot begin to count the number of times I've said inappropriate things in serious situations.

Among my favourites:
"If you're just going to lie about your history, I'm just going to lie about taking you to the hospital."

*At someone's home where her husband just died, I did like 20mins of CPR waiting to get the code* - "The coffee you have on smells wonderful".

Abject-Yellow3793 , Nini FromParis/unsplash Report

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TribbleThinking

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I've done CPR. It was unfortunately unsuccessful. It's also ruddy exhausting. You dserved that coffee.

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