We cringe because of vicarious embarrassment (a.k.a. secondhand shame). But according to clinical psychologist Dr. Marielle Collins, there is an upside to it. 

“That’s the concept of empathy,” she said in an interview with the Cleveland Clinic. “Our brains are wired to be able to simulate the emotional experiences of other people and feel what another person is feeling.”

But there’s also a reason why seeing something cringeworthy feels like listening to fingernails running down a chalkboard. Here’s an explanation from Dr. Collins: 

“A lot of times, these feelings can come with anxiety and a fear of negative social evaluation. Anxiety can be distressing and may get in the way of whatever you’re doing in the moment.”

Since secondhand embarrassment can be an anxiety trigger, Dr. Collins says it could be problematic if you’re already dealing with the disorder. 

“Witnessing someone else experiencing embarrassment could increase anxious thoughts about whether a similar experience could happen to you and activate your body’s stress response.”

If vicarious embarrassment puts you on edge, Dr. Collins shared some tips on how to handle it properly. It begins with reframing emotions. 

“When we experience emotions that are uncomfortable, we often think they are ‘bad,’ and that makes us even more anxious as we try to get rid of it, increasing distress,” she explained.  

“It can help to have a more mindful approach by acknowledging how we are feeling in the moment without judgment and allowing the emotion to pass.”

Dealing with anxiety is primarily about recognizing when it begins to manifest. This also applies to the distress from feeling secondhand shame. For this, Dr. Collins recommends the STOP technique.

This simple method involves four steps: stop what you’re doing, take a breath, observe what’s happening to your body, and proceed mindfully.

As Dr. Collins explains, the STOP technique makes you effectively take notice when anxiety and self-judgment from secondhand embarrassment begin to creep in. 

“When we go down a rabbit hole with our thoughts and emotions, it can all end up being amplified. This STOP technique helps you move in a more helpful direction by pausing for a minute to stop whatever stream of thought you’re having.”

However, some people don’t feel secondhand shame. But does that mean they lack empathy? Psychotherapist James Hartley has an answer to this question. 

“It could be that they are on the other end of the spectrum genetically, or their environment didn’t develop their empathy in childhood much, but it could also be that they have learned how to have boundaries with their sense of self,” Hartley told Refinery29.