Starting college can surely be stressful, but for some people, stressful situations begin even before school does.

For the redditor u/AdRelative130, problems started when she got accepted into a really good college. It happened to be her cousin’s dream school, but the latter didn’t get in, which led to family drama and the OP asking if she was a jerk for not giving up her spot.

In order to better understand how applying to university can affect the applicant and those around them, Bored Panda turned to Bruce Feiler, the author of seven New York Times bestsellers, including Life Is in the Transitions and The Secrets of Happy Families. Scroll down to find his thoughts in the text below.

Starting college is an exciting new chapter, which can be quite stressful too

Image credits: Yaroslav Shuraev (not the actual image)

This redditor got into a good college, but her cousin didn’t, causing a rift in the family

Image credits: Keira Burton (not the actual image)

Image credits: Alex Green (not the actual image)

Image credits: AdRelative130

The applicant’s loved ones can significantly influence the process of applying to college

Image credits: Ron Lach (not the actual image)

“I have an old saying that doing any big project—from planning a wedding to buying a home to writing a book—is a balance of time management and emotional management. The same goes for applying to college,” author of Life Is in the Transitions, Bruce Feiler, told Bored Panda in a recent interview. “The experience lasts multiple years, involves many twists and turns, and brings out the best and worst in almost everybody.”

Since the process of applying to college can be quite a rollercoaster, support from the loved ones around the applicant is of utmost importance. According to Feiler, the primary role of friends and family is to provide three things: love, perspective, and balance.

“My rule of thumb with my own daughters was never to have a meaningful conversation about applying to college without first beginning with love,” he shared, referring to the first role of the applicant’s loved ones. The expert added that he would use phrases such as “We love you. We believe in you. Take a deep breath; this will all work out” before every big date, every big conversation, or every big meeting with the college counselor.

“Along the way, certain events tend to take on outsized meaning, from tests to sports or arts performances, to internships or essays,” the writer said, expanding on the second role, perspective. “A role of the loved one is to point out that dozens of factors will play into any application, thus reducing the pressure on any given factor.”

Feiler also emphasized the importance of balance, explaining that every child has strengths and weaknesses. “Your job is to stay out of the way of their strengths and balance their weaknesses. If they tend to stress out, you should be the calm one; if they tend to miss deadlines, you should be the deadline keeper; if they tend to gloss over the details, you should be detail-oriented. Whatever they don’t do well is a sign of where they need you.”

Applying for colleges can be quite a stressful and costly process

Those who decide to seek higher education might have to jump through quite a few hoops, which—as if it all wasn’t stressful enough—can be rather significant to their future. Upon making the decision to go for it, the person has to think of a career path they want to follow and choose the school where they want to start it. In addition to that, they have to endure the stress caused by the application process, which reportedly affects around 74% of applicants, according to the Princeton Review.

The Review also revealed that the applicants’ and their parents’ biggest worry is the level of debt to pay for college; their biggest hope—to receive aid—is based on finances as well. So it’s no surprise that college admissions can take a toll—both mentally and financially—on the entire family, especially considering that the application fee alone can reach a hundred dollars in some schools.

U.S. News & World reports that it’s the National Universities that tend to have the highest application fees out of all schools, some of which include Columbia University, Harvard University and Massachusetts Institute of Technology, and Stanford University, among others. Though, according to data provided by the Princeton Review, the latter is the applicants’ and their parents’ number one dream school.

It might be better to wait to hear back from the schools before ranking them

Image credits: Yan Krukau (not the actual image)

Despite ranking as the top dream school for a number of future college students, Stanford University came third on Forbes’ list of top colleges in the US. According to data based on student success, return on investment, and alumni influence, Princeton University ranked first, leaving Yale second on the list. The fourth and fifth right after Stanford were Massachusetts Institute of Technology (MIT) and University of California, Berkeley respectively.

When it comes to personal ranking, Bruce Feiler suggested it’s best not to fall in love with a place until it falls in love with you. “My advice is to avoid overly ranking schools,” he said. “If applying early is the right decision for you, then pick a school and give that application everything you’ve got. But avoid ranking schools from, say, 2 to 10 or 12, or whatever your final number of choices is. Then wait and see the choices you decide and choose among them.

“What I tell families today is that of the 100s of students I’ve watched go through this process in the last few years, more than 95% end up happy with their new home. Your odds of success are virtually guaranteed,” he added.

A rejection from a university can have a strong negative effect on the applicant

The redditor didn’t reveal what college was the one she got into, which also happened to be her cousin’s dream school. Even though fellow netizens suggested the latter might have stepped over the line, it’s not surprising that emotions tend to run high, considering how stressful being rejected can be. Licensed psychologist and co-author of the workbook Conquer Negative Thinking for Teens, Mary Alvord, PhD, emphasized that being rejected can have a strong negative effect on a teen, especially when they see their peers get into schools they didn’t.

“When you’re competing, parents and teens need to keep in mind that there are many factors,” she told Verywell Mind, adding that if a friend gets into a school and you don’t, that doesn’t mean that you’re less than them. The expert also pointed out that it’s important to remember there are other great schools out there. “We don’t want them to catastrophize and get so upset that then they feel like they have failed,” she noted.

It’s unclear whether the cousin’s and his family’s reaction was based on negative emotions related to the rejection or other factors, but it was strong enough to make the OP ask for a second opinion on the situation; fellow redditors didn’t hold back and shared theirs in the comments.

Fellow redditors didn’t think the OP was a jerk in this situation

The redditor provided an update after reading through the comments

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