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Hey Pandas, AITA For Expecting My Family To Help More When Our House Is In Chaos?

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Hello, I need your advice. I (F42) have been married to my husband (M42) for 19 years, and we have a 16-year-old daughter. We met 20 years ago and got married quickly, so we’ve been through a lot. Currently, my husband owns a company where I also work, about 30 hours a week, in accounting.

At the moment, the company is struggling, and we’re facing existential fears. We might be threatened with financial ruin, which could mean losing our house and being in debt for the rest of our lives. The house is only two years old, so it’s far from being paid off, and it currently has water damage. The ground floor is unusable— the tiles and furniture are ruined. We’ve been without a kitchen or living room for two months, and it will take at least another month to fix everything.

I cook in the garden on a camping stove, using a small fridge, but now it’s October, and with the rain and storms, cooking has become very difficult

Hey Pandas, AITA For Expecting My Family To Help More When Our House Is In Chaos?

Image credits: Kampbros (not the actual photo)

I can only wash dishes with cold water. We also have a large dog and a cat. The cat, who is normally an outdoor cat, is struggling with the situation. She avoids the ground floor because of the work being done and stays upstairs, but she needs a lot of attention and is acting out due to stress. This is our situation so far.

My daughter usually comes home from school at 2 PM, I get home at 3 PM, and my husband comes home around 7 PM during the week. Of course, I handle all the housework—taking care of the dog, grocery shopping, cleaning, cooking, laundry—but since the company is doing poorly, I also do a lot of work from home when I’m not in the office.

Long story short—I can’t manage it all

Hey Pandas, AITA For Expecting My Family To Help More When Our House Is In Chaos?

Image credits: Kinga Howard (not the actual photo)

It’s just become too much, and my family doesn’t help me at all with the household tasks. By “no help,” I mean they don’t even put away their coffee cups or wash them in the garden. They leave everything for me to do, and that’s only part of it. My husband leaves his clothes wherever he takes them off in the evening. After showering, he leaves the towel on the floor. Every weekend, he invites a friend over and expects me to cook and clean up afterward. This friend lives on welfare—he’s a nice guy, but it’s clear he comes here every weekend for the free food, and his apartment is a mess.

Before all of this, I was an artist. I used to write stories, and I’m actually very good at painting. That was my life. I haven’t painted in two years, and I haven’t written anything in even longer.

I feel like my life is moving on without me, and everything I once was is lost.

I wish my family would help more, but I know my husband is struggling and carrying the heavy burden of the company. He wants to come home and relax, which I understand. My daughter is now in upper school and has a lot to study. She could help more, but she’s a teenager, and I don’t want to burden her too much. She does her own laundry and walks the dog after school, which is good.

I work all day under difficult conditions, and I don’t get any free time on the weekends

Hey Pandas, AITA For Expecting My Family To Help More When Our House Is In Chaos?

Image credits: SEO Galaxy (not the actual photo)

When I bring this up, they say, “Well, you can just leave—go meet up with friends!” But I don’t have many friends left. They disappeared during my marriage. I have one good friend, but she lives far away, especially since we moved into this house.

Besides, the work will still be there when I come back, and I’ll just have less time to do it.

I’ve told my husband that I feel disrespected when he leaves everything for me to deal with and that I think he’s not being considerate of my needs. He says I don’t take his needs seriously, that he works all day to save the company, and I should support him and give him some peace.

He had this behavior even when the company was doing well, but now he’s using the current situation as an excuse not to change anything. Am I overreacting?

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Hi there! I'm Gabrielė, but you can also catch me responding to Gab, Gabi, Gabert, or Gabe – take your pick. Professionally, I'm the senior community manager over at Bored Panda, helping people share their awesome work and connecting artists with a worldwide audience. Beyond work, you'll catch me traveling, listening to vinyl and diving into movies, art exhibitions, and concerts. I'm a culture buff at heart, always eager to explore and embrace the richness of the human experience.

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What do you think ?

POST

lenka 1 month ago (edited)

You are not overreacting. Stop doing all the things. Tell (Don’t ask. Tell) husband that if he wants his clothes and towel washed he needs to put them in the laundry basket (At the very least! Honestly, I would not doing his laundry at all). And then follow through. Do not pick up his clothes and towel and do not wash them unless they are in the basket. Put all the fresh towels away somewhere so he only has his wet floor towel. Same with dishes. There are three of you. TELL them that you will only be washing dishes every third day. If they do not pick up the slack, wash your own plate and cup and put them away somewhere. Leave the rest exactly where they left it. Tell husband that you are taking him up on his offer and will now be going out to dinner with a friend every week the night his leeching friend comes over. Don’t cook for them. Don’t clean for them. Reignite your friendships, join an art class, take yourself to dinner or a movie or just sit in a coffee shop with a nice book.

22points

Nichole Harris 1 month ago

Well said!

5points

Load More Replies...

monmichka77 1 month ago

Nope. NTA. Don't be a martyr, OP. If your husband was single with a flailing business, he'd still have to come home and cook for himself, do his own laundry, etc. Everyone in your household is capable of taking care of themselves, so let them. And use that influx of free time you now have, to take care of you. And as for that friend? I agree with Lenka. It's husband's friend. He can host him when he comes over. You can peace out somewhere and have a quiet evening alone. Good luck.

18points

Ge Po 1 month ago

Do what your husband suggests. Take the evening off. Your house and whole life is in chaos right now. It effects everything and especially your mind. When you are caught in the middle of a storm, how others may judge you should be the least of your concerns, so please, try and look inside yourself whether that is one of the reasons you are feeling so stressed and pressured. I have great respect for how you have managed it so far, but people really can survive on a few weeks of sandwiches and microwave meals and the microwave can be plugged in anywhere, even upstairs. Safes on dishes as well and on that matter, I am all for saving the environment, but sometimes you may have to fold and buy some single-use items. And if dear fam. starts complaining, they can try and cook something more houte cuisine on a camping stove themselves. They also can wash their own clothes, if they are not willing to pitch in on the general laundry.

12points

Bamboozled Panda 1 month ago

Dont set yourself on fire to keep others warm

10points

Lyone Fein 1 month ago

There are issues that need to be separated out. The house finances should be separate from the business finances, so if the business goes under you still have the house. This should have been done when the business was started. A lawyer should do it ASAP now. Secondly, you and your husband should each be drawing a salary from the business. Thirdly, does your 16 year old have a part time job? Even 5-10 hours a week would be great to give them their own spending money. It also sounds like it might be time to declare bankruptcy? This doesn't have to mean losing your business, but it can mean being freed from certain debts. You may also be eligible for government assistance to help with home repairs.

2points

Janelle Collard Premium 1 month ago

Hubs AND daughter need to help out.

2points

Gionanna 1 month ago

Your family doesn't have to help. They have to DO THEIR SHARE, as this is what families do, especially in hard times. Your daughter is old enough to know and perform at least basic housekeeping tasks. Your husband might be going through hard times at work, but so are you. As others suggested, please do set some boundaries and stick to them, and do consider easier ways for some tasks (plastic dishes and such). Think of the oxygen mask metaphor . Take care NTA of course

1point

Monica G 1 month ago

It looks like OP took many wrong turns in life: enmeshing her life with the husband, moving away from friends in a poorly build house and not wothing herself.

1point

Christina Vorce 1 month ago

I got my broken marriage restored after my encounter with priest Jaja he is a specialist in reconciliation of broken family and married etc (priestjaja7@gmail.com)

0points

Kristen Woehlke 1 month ago

My mom said this to my sister, "you want clean clothes, put them in the basket. Don't just drop them on the floor! I'll wash them and fold them, hell I'll even put them away!". One morning she didn't get ready for school. Mom asks why, sister says " I don't have any clean underwear! ". Mom says (in a calm low tone that would scare Mike Tyson) " too bad. Pick up the cleanest thing off the floor, turn it inside out or don't wear any at all. I don't care, but you ARE going to school. Maybe now your dirty clothes will make it to the basket!". That's what I'd do to this guy! "honey where are my clothes?!?". " Where you left them jerk face! Not in the basket, they don't get washed!"

0points

Christina Vorce 1 month ago

This article is very helpful and interesting {jajatemplenull@.net} I was emotionally depressed when my marriage for 10 years was about to end until I met priest Jaja who helped to reconcile my marriage back in just 3-day when followed all the information and instructions he gave I am very grateful thank you sir . Any in similar circumstances can reach out to him on the info. up circled

0points

zims 1 month ago

Maybe quit your job and find better work elsewhere. That way if the company goes under you won't both be unemployed, you won't have constant stress about keeping the business afloat, and you can stop working overtime. Everybody in the house is busy, but you're the only one who's busy AND shouldering the housework. And switch to paper plates and plastic forks for a while to take dishes off your schedule, and stop doing your husband's picking-up. If he can't get things to the laundry hamper, then his clothes don't get washed with yours. Ask your daughter if she wants to do all the dishes or all the laundry. And GET OUT OF THE HOUSE! You won't make new friends sitting at home like Cinderella! Join a book club or hobby painting group. Even if you just sit in the library writing sad vent poems for an hour, that's an hour of YOU time that you desperately need, and an hour in which your family won't have you there to do their share of the chores.

0points

R Dennis 1 month ago

He might be dealing with a work crisis, but she is dealing with that AND the home. He should be sharing the burden at home as well. So, unless he is coming home from work and doing the repairs on the house, he needs to step up.

0points

Leebo13 1 month ago

The importance of downtime and a healthy work/life balance can hardly be exaggerated, if you are feeling that you are at your wit's end, don't ignore it, there very likely could be serious consequences for you and all concerned.

0points

Cécile V. 1 month ago (edited)

Divorce him... Or leave for your own sake. You will gain respect and self esteem plus independance. Stay in thouch with your daughter. You deserve the best. Husband attitude won't change neither the family's. I doubt that very much..

0points

Happynyss 1 month ago

Nobody's an ahole for feeling a certain way. And your family should help you out, no matter how stressed they are. You should really tell them how your feeling (assuming you haven't already) and hopefully they will understand and help out more. I really hope you get to go back to doing the things you love soon. Best wishes! NTA.

0points

yeezygapshop.co 1 month ago

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POST

lenka 1 month ago (edited)

22points

Nichole Harris 1 month ago

Well said!

5points

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monmichka77 1 month ago

18points

Ge Po 1 month ago

12points

Bamboozled Panda 1 month ago

Dont set yourself on fire to keep others warm

10points

Lyone Fein 1 month ago

2points

Janelle Collard Premium 1 month ago

Hubs AND daughter need to help out.

2points

Gionanna 1 month ago

1point

Monica G 1 month ago

It looks like OP took many wrong turns in life: enmeshing her life with the husband, moving away from friends in a poorly build house and not wothing herself.

1point

Christina Vorce 1 month ago

I got my broken marriage restored after my encounter with priest Jaja he is a specialist in reconciliation of broken family and married etc (priestjaja7@gmail.com)

0points