Moderator’s note

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My (40F) father (62M) was diagnosed with cancer last year. He also has issues with his liver, legs, and lungs. I don’t know the details, but I assume his health problems are due to his alcoholism—he has been drinking all his adult life.

I have had many emotional and financial problems because of him throughout my life, but I stayed in contact because, well, he’s my father

Image credits: BĀBI (not the actual photo)

We saw each other a few times a year and stayed in touch through phone calls or Facebook.

My parents divorced when I was 25. Around that time, my mother (58F) was diagnosed with breast cancer, and I lost my job, so I was in a very tough place. On the other hand, my father “fell in love” and started living a full, happy life. I tried to be supportive—I even gave him money and bought him groceries when he needed them. His relationship didn’t last, but hey, there are plenty of single women out there, right?

Over the years, he was in and out of jobs and relationships

Image credits: Mykyta Martynenko (not the actual photo)

At times, I didn’t even know where he was or what he was doing. He only wanted to see me when he needed something, always blaming my mother and grandparents for his situation—claiming he had no home or savings because of them, which wasn’t true.

I got married in 2020 and had my son that same year. When I was six months pregnant, my aunt called me, saying my father told her he wanted to hang himself. I was three hours away, but of course, I rushed to him with my husband (39M). It turned out he hadn’t actually done anything; instead, he just started complaining—again—about his job, his lack of savings, and so on.

I never yell at him, but that time, I lost my temper

Image credits: Julien L (not the actual photo)

He claimed he wanted to start therapy and go to the hospital, so we took him to our apartment. The first thing he said when he arrived was, “What a tiny flat you have.” The next few days were chaotic as I tried to find him a place in a hospital, which was difficult due to COVID. He spent a month in the hospital and attempted therapy. For a while, things seemed to improve—he was working, and I hoped he had stopped drinking, but I was naive.

Last year, he met a woman, but I don’t know any details about when or where. One day, he called and said he wanted to visit us with his “friend.” He didn’t ask if she could come—he just brought her along. I thought maybe he had finally found someone nice and caring because she seemed okay. They planned to move in together, but the problem was that my father was sick and couldn’t work. He received some social assistance, but it wasn’t much.

I got pregnant with our second child in July. Then, in November, I received a call from social services because my father had requested financial support from me. I was stunned—just a few days earlier, I had spoken to him, and he hadn’t mentioned anything.

It was a difficult time for us

Image credits: Alexander Grey (not the actual photo)

We were searching for a bigger apartment and had some savings, but we didn’t know if that money was safe. Although I have a prenup with my husband and the money was in his account, we found out that, in this situation, the prenup might not matter. If social services took the case to court, they could rule that the money was accessible to my father.

When I called him to ask what he was doing, he started whining—once again—about how my mother and grandparents were responsible for his hardships, which isn’t true. He showed no remorse, didn’t apologize for the stress he had caused us, and acted as if I owed him financial support simply because he was my father and I was in a better situation than him.

So, I told him he was no longer welcome in our lives and cut all contact.

Am I the a**hole for going no-contact with him even though he’s sick, possibly dying, and needs money? Or should I be the bigger person and help him?

Expert’s Advice

It sounds like you’ve spent years trying to support your father, despite the emotional and financial toll it has taken on you. Setting boundaries—especially with someone who has a history of manipulation and addiction—is not cruel; it’s necessary for your well-being and that of your family.

You are not responsible for his choices or his situation. It’s okay to prioritize yourself, your husband, and your children. Guilt is natural, but ask yourself: would continuing this relationship bring more harm than good?

If cutting contact brings you peace, then it’s the right decision. Stay firm in your boundaries. You don’t owe him what he was never willing to give you.

Moderator’s note

Please note that the images included in this article are for illustrative purposes only and do not represent the actual individuals or items discussed in the story.

If you have a comparable experience or story you’d like to tell, we welcome your submissions. Click here to share your story with Bored Panda.

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