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Hey Pandas, AITA For Confronting My Friend After He Invalidated My Identity?

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I (15YO) am a bisexual trans guy. I’ve been out to my best friend (16M) for as long as we’ve known each other. We’ll call him Simon.

Simon is gay, but pretty in the closet about it

Hey Pandas, AITA For Confronting My Friend After He Invalidated My Identity?

Image credits: Ralf Knüfer (not the actual photo)

He’s only out to me, and one other friend who I introduced him to (15F who we can call Abby). We’ve all kissed each other at different points (yeah yeah, teenager stuff, it was all platonic or sexual, there’s no romantic feelings and it was all consensual and cool. To my knowledge, I don’t think Abby and Simon have kissed on the lips, though).

Earlier this week, I was talking with Simon and Abby and we were just chatting about queer stuff and identity and Simon was making a joke about even being as gay as he is, he’s never kissed a guy.

I sort of raised an eyebrow and asked him what he was talking about, because he’s kissed me

Hey Pandas, AITA For Confronting My Friend After He Invalidated My Identity?

Image credits: Madalena Veloso (not the actual photo)

Simon stuttered and eventually got out that it doesn’t count, because I’m not a real guy.

I took offense to this. I’m not hardcore masc, but I’m leaning more towards that and andro than towards femme. We got into a fight and I’m currently not speaking to him. I feel bad because he’s gone through a lot of confusion through his sexuality to get to the point where he’s just into men. I’m also confused about that part because if he’s only into guys, why did he kiss me if he doesn’t see me as one.

Abby’s on my side but she also thinks I should cut Simon some slack because we’re young and I haven’t physically transitioned yet.

So… AITA?

Expert’s Advice

This is a challenging situation, and it’s clear you’re navigating some complicated feelings around identity and friendship. Here are five suggestions to help you approach this thoughtfully:

1. Recognize Your Feelings

It’s completely valid to feel hurt by Simon’s comment. His words struck at an essential part of your identity, and it’s okay to take time to process your emotions. Talking to someone you trust or journaling might help you clarify what you’re feeling and what you want moving forward.

2. Reflect on Simon’s Perspective

Simon’s struggles with his own identity might have influenced his comment. While this doesn’t excuse invalidating your identity, understanding that his words might stem from confusion or ignorance (rather than intentional harm) could help you approach the situation with empathy.

3. Communicate Openly

When you’re ready, consider having an honest conversation with Simon. Use “I” statements to explain how his comment affected you, such as, “I felt invalidated when you said I’m not a real guy because my identity matters deeply to me.” This approach can encourage understanding without escalating conflict.

4. Set Healthy Boundaries

It’s okay to let Simon know that comments invalidating your identity are not acceptable. Boundaries are about creating a space where you feel respected and understood, which is crucial in any friendship.

5. Evaluate the Friendship’s Value

Ask yourself whether this friendship is providing you with the support and affirmation you need. Friendships can evolve, and it’s okay to take a step back if this relationship feels more harmful than helpful. Surrounding yourself with people who validate and respect you is essential.

You’re handling a difficult situation with a lot of maturity and thoughtfulness. Trust yourself to make decisions that prioritize your well-being and affirm your identity.

Moderator’s note:

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How do you feel about Simon's comment not considering the narrator a 'real guy'?

POST

JB 21 hours ago (edited)

First, I’m sorry Simon’s words hurt you, you’re never an a$$ for how you feel. Thing is (and I don’t mean to be hurtful here), you are not and never will be a “real” guy because the real part refers to biology. When/if you transition, you will spend the rest of your life telling medical people that you have transitioned. As rubbish as it currently is, there is growing evidence that females (I’m trying really hard with the terminology here) should have different medical treatments to males. Hopefully, over the next few decades this will improve but it does mean you will never be able to leave your biology entirely behind. Simon does deserve some grace, his eyes see a reality that conflicts with your internal truth. I honestly believe he blurted without thinking and encourage you to focus on his apology. He acknowledged, validated, your feelings; that’s what a true friend does when they mess up. FWIW, so far as I’m concerned, you’re a guy.

11points

Rayne OfSalt 10 hours ago

Problematic support is a new one to me lol. JB, if being a "real" guy involves certain equipment, you've just invalidated a whole bunch of men who've lost equipment through quirks of birth, illness, accident or other reasons. Besides which, equipment can be surgically created. Ask me how I know.

0points

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Ace 23 hours ago

I think the OP needs to cut Simon some slack. I understand how important gender identity feels, particularly at that age, but the fact is that if Simon is into guys then a trans guy, normally lacking in certain physical attributes, may very well not ever be in his attracted-to group. Yes, using the term 'not a real man' was unfortunate but it sounds like he's apologetic and clearly from the context he was using it to refer to the sorts of people who he'd find sexually attractive. Trans people are fully aware of the fact that they're not "real" members of the gender they identify with, or at least they should be, and should not be so sensitive to it being pointed out.

8points

Secret Squirrel 22 hours ago

Simons comment was about him, not you. You can tell because being gay is not about who you kiss but you are attracted to. He's struggling with his own identity and yours got caught in friendly fire. Not an excuse he can use forever, but don't write him off unless he sticks to it. It was dumb a d hurtful, but it sounds like it comes from self loathing. So bear that in mind. It would be a shame to throw away what seems like a good friendship on one AH day.

4points

Donkey boi 23 hours ago

I'm a straight talker, so if easily offended please skip past. With that out the way... What is a 'Real Guy'? I'm in my 40's and have never definitively been able to answer that. My sister is straight; She watches sports, drinks beer, and is generally a representation of a stereotypical man. So for 'Simon' (and many many others), it has to have come down to a physical thing, d**k. Which is understandable given that your school is still probably teaching the same thing that they were in my day when it comes to biology. NGL, the whole gender debate can get confusing as heck, so I imagine it's even more so for young teens that are trying to discover themselves. Cut him a break. You said it yourself, this kid's only told 2 people that he likes guys/d**k. You're all still learning, don't get too hung up on this kind of c**p. Focus on being kind, caring, loyal, and supportive friends. Then you'll find that little else matters when you have friends that would fight, bleed and die for you.

4points

FreeTheUnicorn 1 day ago

Give Simon a chance to learn from it. It sounds likes he's been a good friend, but has to do some thinking about both gender and sexualtiy. It also sounded like he didn't know what he was going to say until it was out of his mouth, and it may not have been the right wording. Or it might be the right wording but he now knows he needs to change his way of thinking. Or this might be the beginning of the end of the friendship. But it sounds like he deserves a chance to think things through, to consider your perspective, and confront some latent homophobia/trans phobia. It might take a few conversations, but give him a chance to get there. If he doesn't take it, it's ok to distance yourself.

2points

Eroe Infinito 5 hours ago

It didn't give me an acceptable answer from the multiple choices. But It's very obvious who's in the wrong here.

1point

Deborah B 13 hours ago

Not the a*****e for feeling hurt, not the a*****e for confronting the friend, and telling him, with "I" statements, how it made you feel invalidated and hurt. But also consider the value you place on this friendship - be willing to understand that people can f**k up and miss-speak, and unintentionally hurt people they care about. Then re-examine their behavior, learn from their mistakes, and grow into better, more empathetic, and more considerate people. Tell him how you feel, but give him the chance to apologise and maybe you'll both come out of it better and more compassionate people. Also ask yourself if this could just be a slip of the tongue that your friend didn't know how to correct because he's an awkward teen? Especially if he's feeling some confusion or inconsistency over whether he's attracted to you, which he may well be - sexuality and attraction are confusing, especially when you're still working it all out.

1point

Wang Zhuang 3 days ago (edited)

I think the concept of trans can be difficult for many people to accept, particularly if the person in question (OP) hasn't physically transitioned yet, so maybe a bit of slack is needed here. But I would make it clear to Simon that if he can't accept me as a guy, then it's time to say goodbye.

1point

A girl 3 days ago

Totally out of my realm of understanding. Sorry.

1point

Joshua 20 minutes ago

In my mind, as a trans guy, he could be forgiven for the original "I've never kissed a guy before", but doubling down and saying that you're not a real guy was super sh*tty of him, and I personally wouldn't really want him in my life anymore since he doesn't respect your identity

0points

Fellfromthemoon 4 hours ago

OP, you are a guy, right. As a 15-year-old, do you have a type? You may date out of your type, but when it comes to physical attraction, the type is the hype. You may know nothing about the person, but if he/she/they has the look then your attention is on. I'm aroace but if I see a beautiful, narrow and long nose (slightly crooked even better) I'll look. A friend of mine is/used to be really into unibrows. Now, you are not Simon's type. How he expressed it was clumsy.

0points

Joey Jo Jo Shabadoo 5 hours ago (edited)

He kissed you because you were there, willing to be kissed. Its not a comment on his gayness or on your gender or on your attractiveness. Its good for you to learn now that somebody being physical with you does not necessarily mean that they like you or find you attractive. Yes, that can be confusing and hurtful, even for adults! But he did make an explicit comment on your gender, and thats the part worth focusing on. Of course that was hurtful, but only you can judge whether or not his behaviour otherwise is validating, safe and supportive as a friend.

0points

Estelle E. 22 hours ago

Simon sounds like he's not really accepting his own homosexuality. How are his parents? His other friends? You're right to say to him what you say. But I feel like Abby is right. Do not accept when he says something like that, but give him a chance to grow as a better person. Everyone is making mistakes.

0points