In a divorce, this is called “alienation of affection.” If she is refusing counseling or therapy, I would go ahead and proceed with divorce. She is basically just using you for financial stability but offering absolutely nothing to the relationship or the marriage. 10 years is a long time to be patient and tolerant. But enough is enough. You COULD be in a wonderful, blissful relationship. Not too late.

You would NOT be the AH. I would like to point out that it's called Menopause, not the “change”. It's not some kind of secret disease. Your use of the language makes me wonder if you are aware of the physical affects of menopause and peri-menopause (the period leading up to menopause) and how drastically and sometimes devastatingly it can affect women's sexual function? Low libido, pain and vaginal dryness are common side effects of menopause and require some patience and creativity on the part of their partners to stimulate and encourage a healthy sex life. If your wife really wont engage in counselling then you are probably ten years too late and the marriage may very well be over. If you decide to take one last stab at it, start by researching menopause, its physical and emotional impact on women, and then using the appropriate language when you raise it with your wife. All that aside, you deserve to be loved and to have your needs met. You would not be an AH for leaving.

As one who was forced in to menopause by cancer, I fully understand the low libido, lack of drive, feeling like I didn't deserve or want any kinds of physical attention. However, I am lucky to have a partner who cared enough to do the research for what I couldn't describe/what I was/am going through. He asked for couples counseling and we found that it was me that needed the one-on-one time with the counselor. It's been 7 years since the cancer started this, and I am glad I have him still by my side. I'm not back to what we were when we first started the relationship (hard to do), but we are both working on it. OP. If she isn't willing to get help I would not blame you in the least for leaving. NTA

I feel like people aren’t realizing that sex and intimacy are not the same thing. This isn’t just a “I’m not getting any” type of issue. It’s a true relational intimacy issue. Unless she decides to get therapy (hrp and/or mental health), and try to bring back some kind of intimacy, I feel like OP is well within his rights to file for divorce. She sounds mentally checked out of the marriage.

NTA. First of all, there's absolutely nothing wrong with divorcing your spouse when they refuse sex, touch, etc. and refuses for YEARS. She went from being a wife to a c**p roommate. My opinion is there are two reasons why the subject of divorce upsets her: 1) she knows she financially wants or needs you to survive so she doesn't have to work full-time and/or 2) she loves the control she has over you more than she loves you; she loves that she is the reason you aren't being intimate. Since you're the one initiating and she's the one refusing, she get her devious kicks out of rejecting you. You gave her years of chances. It's time to stop talking, start acting, file for a divorce, and move out or kick her out. She's a big girl and can take care of herself; she's most likely been "taking care of herself" for years since she's choosing to not get it from you.

Trust your guts. If she refuses to talk about it, try counselling and you're unhappy and frustrated, divorce is a better solution than waiting for the situation to become unbearable so you choose to cheat. Opt out and divorce might be the best and cleanest solution for your long term happiness NTA

Has OP gained weight? Lapsed with hygiene? Have bad teeth that haven't been treated? Has wife talked to her doctor about low libido? Too much unknown on this one.

10 years without intimacy is quite long. Couples need to discuss and each can make an effort. For example, if one is put off because the other only touches them for sex, they need to discuss that. Maybe a partner needs to adapt, such as being gentler during sex. There are even couples where the asexual one allows the other to have someone just for sex (but that requires open communication and negotiation, which I don't see with your wife). I think you need to move on - it sounds as if you're quite lonely. Being actually alone (as in being single) will make you available and certainly more desirable than a man who's still married.

If intimacy is the only problem than YTA. My husband and I have slept in separate rooms for most of our marriage because we both snore, he kicks, we work different shifts and prefer different mattresses (him hard as possible, me soft). I have not been interested in sex since March 2018. I spent April 2018 away from him visiting my family overseas for a month, come back home, get my first mammogram ever. In May 2018 I got diagnosed with stage 2A breast cancer & had 2 lumpectomies (same spot turned out the lump that was only found thanks to the mammogram was bigger than expected, took 2 surgeries to get it removed. 2018 was cancer year with chemo and radiation. At the time I was on paxil for anxiety which means I couldn't take the standard premenopausal d***s. From 12/18 to 9/23 I was getting luperon shots to be on menopause to take the anti cancer d**g to 12/23. My husband is a saint and understands that my lack of interest in sex is chemical induced.

First I think he does owe it to his wife of 20 years to get to the bottom of what she is, or isn't feeling. There are many scenarios. One, menopause could have affected her sex drive or caused discomfort. Fibroids at that age are very common and painful especially during sex. Two, she could be going through depression, or just too fatigued by her other responsibilities. How much does OP do to help? Three, it could be an issue with him. Have you ever asked her if sex is even pleasurable for her? Some men have no clue what pleasures a woman, and some women are afraid to speak up. Do you fight with her or put her down constantly?When she does need a hug, do you immediately want to jump in the sack? That can make a women feel like she is just a sexual object, if she isn't feeling the same. As for OP, 10 years is a long time to go without sex. Have the open sex talk and really listen. Help or change where you can. If there is no solution then you have a tough decision to make.

If you two are unhappy then divorce and move forward with life. But I think there's a lot from your wife's side that you are not willing to understand and therefore only blame her. There's a reason for this behaviour and we know that if we women see that our partners don't get something after explaining over and over again, we just disengage. So really think, why did she disengage from you?