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Hey Pandas, AITA For Being Unable To Look Past My Aunt’s Betrayal Of My Mom?
Moderator’s note:
If you find yourself disagreeing with this person’s actions, we encourage you not to downvote the post. Instead, kindly express your opinions in the comments. We recommend maintaining politeness and articulating your thoughts with well-constructed arguments.
I (F37) found out today from a reliable source that my late father slept with my mum’s sister behind her back whilst they were still married.
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My dad passed not too long ago, so the grief is still raw, but now that I found this information out it is also mixed with a bit of disappointment in him
Image credits: Rhodi Lopez (not the actual photo)
My mum loved my dad but she got ill and he couldn’t handle it, so they divorced but remained friends.
My mum’s sister, on the other hand, I have always disliked. We have never liked each other since me being about 7. She is self-centered, loud, and thinks she is above everyone else when in truth she is maybe par or lower than most. She was and is still a bit of a s**g despite being mature age, but after finding this out I have even more hatred for her.
She is always saying to my mum how much she loves her and would be lost without her yet she did that
Image credits: Fred Moon (not the actual photo)
I want to confront her in private as I don’t want this getting back to my mum as it would really hurt her, but my husband said to let sleeping dogs lie.
My dad is no longer here and this could get back to my mum if I confront my aunt
Image credits: Kelly Sikkema (not the actual photo)
My question is what would you do in my situation? All advice welcome. Thank you!
Expert’s Advice
This is a difficult and emotionally charged situation, and it’s understandable to feel a mix of grief, betrayal, and frustration. Finding out such information about your late father and your aunt can stir up many emotions. Here are a few points to consider as you think about your next steps:
1. Take Time To Process Your Emotions
First and foremost, it’s important to allow yourself to fully process your feelings. This is a lot to take in, especially while you’re still grieving your father’s passing. Take time to reflect on your emotions—anger, disappointment, confusion—and try to understand what exactly is driving you to confront your aunt. Writing your thoughts down might help you gain clarity.
2. Think About Your Mum’s Well-Being
Your concern for your mum is very clear, and it’s crucial to weigh how revealing this information might affect her. Would confronting your aunt bring her unnecessary pain or even open up old wounds? Consider the emotional cost before making any decisions, as protecting your mum’s emotional health is just as important as addressing your feelings.
3. Consider Whether Confronting Your Aunt Will Help
It’s easy to want answers or closure, especially when you’re hurt. But ask yourself if confronting your aunt will truly resolve anything or if it might just escalate the situation. Will it give you peace of mind, or will it cause more tension? Sometimes it’s better to let go of the past, especially when it involves someone who is unlikely to offer the apology or understanding you hope for.
4. Establish Boundaries With Your Aunt
If you feel like you need to distance yourself from your aunt, it’s okay to set boundaries without confronting her directly. You don’t need to address her actions head-on if it will only bring more conflict into your life. Establishing emotional boundaries and limiting your interactions might give you the space you need to heal without additional stress.
5. Seek Outside Support
Talking with someone you trust, such as a counselor or close friend, can help you navigate your feelings and decide on the best course of action. Sometimes an outside perspective can provide insight into whether confronting your aunt is the best choice, or if there might be a different approach to dealing with the situation in a way that preserves your peace and your mum’s well-being.
This is a tough situation, and there is no perfect answer. Whatever you decide, remember to prioritize your emotional health and consider the long-term impact on your family relationships. Take your time, and trust that whatever feels right for you will guide you toward the best decision.
Moderator’s note:
Please note that the images included in this article are for illustrative purposes only and do not represent the actual individuals or items discussed in the story.
If you have a comparable experience or story you’d like to tell, we welcome your submissions. Click here to share your story with Bored Panda.
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What do you think ?
Lyoness 1 month ago
I'm so sorry this happened and you had to find out. I'm with all the comments about holding off on confrontation while your emotions are so raw, but it may help to go the letter route (it's an oldie but a goodie). Write it all down, let it all out, be as vitriolic as you want. Call names, make threats, get nasty. Then put it away. Revisit it in a few months, see how you feel. If you still feel that way, write another letter. Put in everything you missed the first time. Tell her why she's such an awful person, question her worth as a human, compared her to the slime on the frog on the bump on a log in a hole in the bottom of the sea. Then put both away. Rinse and repeat. If you still feel the same way after a few letters and you're sure it'll do more good than harm, by all means get in her face. But don't do it while you're this upset. Give yourself time to process, you deserve that. Hugs from a random internet stranger.
Bigmomma (Post author) 1 month ago
Thanks for advice I have decided to hold off saying anything and I might right it down when I have time I did actually sing the line with slime on the frog on the bump on the log in a hole in the bottom of the sea lol
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FreeTheUnicorn 1 month ago
What's your aim here? If it's just to blow off steam built up because your aunt is awful, is it worth the hurt it will cause your mother? If you think your mother should know, step up and tell her yourself. If this is just the anger side of grief, wait until you're less raw and re-evaluate.
Bigmomma (Post author) 1 month ago
Tbh I think it's more anger I'm feeling towards her but I think common sense is prevailing ATM I don't want to hurt my mum or this info getting to her in any way from me I have no idea if anyone else knows but I will not say anything to my mum and risk hurting her and the memories she has of my dad growing up I think I will just try to forget what I have been told for now and not reveal anything till after she is no longer here to be hurt and if she does find out from anyone else I will just support her and then say my piece to her so called sister thanks
Load More Replies... AKA AKA 1 month ago
i would just keep my distance from the aunt. too much time has passed and too much has happened for confrontation to do any good.
Bigmomma (Post author) 1 month ago
For now I'm just keeping schtump thank u
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Matt Du 1 month ago (edited)
You seem to have directed all of your anger towards your aunt. And yes half of it is justifiable, but at no point do you really talk about your father's betrayal, you don't even say anything unkind about the divorce. I think your grief from your fathers passing, is making you lash out and you never liked her. Was this his only betrayal? He got away with it once, why not more? Maybe your mother knows the truth and is shielding you. Maybe she never wanted to know. None of this absolves your aunt, or condemns your father but I hope it makes you realise you need a lot more time to process what happened and your loss.
Bigmomma (Post author) 1 month ago
I found out at the same time it was more than just her her he cheated with another woman aswell this information did surprise as I was close to my dad more so than my mum that us why I am dissapointed in him I can't feel anger towards him tho as he is not here for me to take my anger out on and as for aunt I'm angry at her for doing this to her sister I want more info like when it happend but I discussing it would cause more problems than I want so I'm just going to have to try let it go for now till things settle at least and I've had more time to gather my thoughts and feelings thank you
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JB 1 month ago
You’re emotionally raw and grieving your loss; it couldn’t be worse timing to discover betrayal but I’m with FreeTheUnicorn. What do you expect to gain by confronting your aunt? The satisfaction of telling her you know? That won’t ease your grief, anger or disappointment in your dad. There’s nothing she can say that would help you feel better. Why would you even want to hear her excuses when that would probably make you feel even worse? What if you confronted her and she decides to apologize to your mum? What would I do in your situation? Cling to common sense as you seem to be planning. Go low or no contact with the aunt. Focus on loving mum, remembering what was good about dad (his mistakes don’t define him), and be gentle with yourself as you go through the grieving process. I’m sorry for your loss, not just of your dad but also the image you had of him that is forever tarnished.
Bigmomma (Post author) 1 month ago
Thank you I think this is the path I will take and I really do t want to see her anyway which tbh I avoid her as much as possible anyway and if I went to see her that would be more suspicious as me not talking to her plus she would have to explain the shiner lol
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Bettye McKee 1 month ago
This duplication, posting the same article twice in one day, is getting to be a regular thing.
Roberta Surprenant 1 month ago
Downvoted simply because moderators started by saying not to do that. If they don't want downvotes, don't give that option.
Ben Aziza 1 month ago (edited)
I am Assuming the information is 100% reliable here (Which it is not guaranteed unless the two involved confessed. this could be a bitter person trying to cause drama) "No, it won't change anything" Are we sure? The only way for karma to be real is for people to make it manifest. If I was cheated on I would want to know. I don't like it when bad ppl get away with doing bad things. I don't like subterfuge and secrets in the name of good and care for others. It presumes they are weak and can't handle it... The truth no matter how awful is REAL at least... It is Much better than a fabricated illusion. That is just how I am. But people are different so do what you think is right by your mom and her personality. I personally can't do it. Lie by omission that is. I see it as too infantilizing. From all points of view it feels wrong: -Watching two people laugh and get along knowing one hurt the other in such a way... -Being friendly and happy with someone who did such an awful thing to me...
Bigmomma (Post author) 1 month ago
I do believe this source from whence the information came my mum has suffered a lot in the past and struggles with things telling her would definitely not be a good idea she would rather hurt herself than others if u get my drift that is why I don't want her finding out I do wish my dad was here so I could yell at him find out what he was thinking but I clearly can't do that so for now I am just going to let sleeping dogs lie (proverb fits well on this one I think) thank u for your input all advice is welcome and concidered
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Jenka666 1 month ago
I’m sorry you lost your dad. While it’s different for everyone, having lost my own parents. I can relate on some level. What you found out about your father also makes it more complicated for you . Right now, you are dealing with that anger stage of grief, and looking for somewhere to deflect. Never go into these situations when emotions are high. It won’t make you feel better, your mother feel better or your aunt feel better.. if it’s a conversation worth having, sit on it for a year or two and then decide. Please take care of yourself..
Bigmomma (Post author) 1 month ago
Thank u I think for now I am just going to stay quiet
Load More Replies... Shannon Donnelly 1 month ago
I'd also recommend not saying anything while you're at the top of your emotions, grieving your dad & finding out about the affair. But I would start writing her a "letter" as a way to process your feelings, something you may never give her or confront her with, but as a way of getting it out of your head. And if you do decide to confront her, you'll have a concise, thought out speech to hit her with. Side note- is it possible that your mom knows about the affair? I don't know how long ago the affair took place beyond it being after your parents divorced, but if it was less of an affair & more of a one time thing, & your mom is well aware of the kind of person your aunt is, she may already know & have moved past what happened. As you've found out, people can surprise you. Sending hugs & healing vibes.
Bigmomma (Post author) 1 month ago
Thank u it was a 1 night stand I'm pretty sure my mum has no idea or she would definitely have said something to her sister my mum isn't 1 to be able to keep her feelings bottled it would be like adding vinegar to bicarbonate soda and seing it over flow. The letter is a good idea tho I may do that and as for when it happenend my only guess is a few year before the divorce
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K. LNU 1 month ago
Please do not do anything while you are still grieving. Take the time for yourself/mental well-being. After reading some of your responses, it sounds like telling your aunt off will not do anyone any good, and it may make you even madder! Enjoy your time with your mom and just be civil to your icky aunt. Some people can't/won't change so don't even bother yourself in trying.
Bigmomma (Post author) 1 month ago
My aunt is vile I try to avoid her as much as possible anyway so me staying away from her won't be anything new or raise suspicion and I wanted to be discreet when telling her so nobody else new but I think even doing that somebody may hear and it still get back to my mum so deciding against it I don't know if the reliable person that told me as told any1 else but I am hoping not as the more that know the more likely it is my mum will find out and despite them getting divorced I think thus would really hurt her and destroy all the happier memories
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Surly Scot 1 month ago
Mom doesn't have to know a thing. I'd go speak to aunt and father together, tell them I know, tell them I think they're both disgusting pieces of sh*t for doing that to someone they claimed to love and care for. I'd tell them from that moment on they were dead to me, don't call, don't write, don't say hello when passing in the street. Mom's heart doesn't have to get broken to hold these two a-holes accountable for their actions. As soon as Mom dies, i'd tell EVERYONE who knows them what they did. Actions should always have consequences, even if someone has to initiate them. Otherwise it gives them license to do it to someone else.
Bigmomma (Post author) 1 month ago
My dad passed that is how I found out as the reliable source that told me wouldn't betray my dad I would have been discreet with aunt buy I know it would more likely get back to my mum especially as I avoid aunt as much as pos so me talking to her would raise suspicions more than me ignoring her thanks for advice
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Janelle Collard 1 month ago
If OP absolutely has to confront the aunt, I'd wait until mom has passed. (Hopefully, in the far future.) By that time, maybe OP's feelings + emotions will be less "burn down the house."
Bigmomma (Post author) 1 month ago
Thank u this is one of things I did concider and I am leaning more to this decision thank u
Load More Replies... Lyoness 1 month ago
I'm so sorry this happened and you had to find out. I'm with all the comments about holding off on confrontation while your emotions are so raw, but it may help to go the letter route (it's an oldie but a goodie). Write it all down, let it all out, be as vitriolic as you want. Call names, make threats, get nasty. Then put it away. Revisit it in a few months, see how you feel. If you still feel that way, write another letter. Put in everything you missed the first time. Tell her why she's such an awful person, question her worth as a human, compared her to the slime on the frog on the bump on a log in a hole in the bottom of the sea. Then put both away. Rinse and repeat. If you still feel the same way after a few letters and you're sure it'll do more good than harm, by all means get in her face. But don't do it while you're this upset. Give yourself time to process, you deserve that. Hugs from a random internet stranger.
Bigmomma (Post author) 1 month ago
Thanks for advice I have decided to hold off saying anything and I might right it down when I have time I did actually sing the line with slime on the frog on the bump on the log in a hole in the bottom of the sea lol
Load More Replies... FreeTheUnicorn 1 month ago
What's your aim here? If it's just to blow off steam built up because your aunt is awful, is it worth the hurt it will cause your mother? If you think your mother should know, step up and tell her yourself. If this is just the anger side of grief, wait until you're less raw and re-evaluate.
Bigmomma (Post author) 1 month ago
Tbh I think it's more anger I'm feeling towards her but I think common sense is prevailing ATM I don't want to hurt my mum or this info getting to her in any way from me I have no idea if anyone else knows but I will not say anything to my mum and risk hurting her and the memories she has of my dad growing up I think I will just try to forget what I have been told for now and not reveal anything till after she is no longer here to be hurt and if she does find out from anyone else I will just support her and then say my piece to her so called sister thanks
Load More Replies... AKA AKA 1 month ago
i would just keep my distance from the aunt. too much time has passed and too much has happened for confrontation to do any good.
Bigmomma (Post author) 1 month ago
For now I'm just keeping schtump thank u
Load More Replies... Matt Du 1 month ago (edited)
You seem to have directed all of your anger towards your aunt. And yes half of it is justifiable, but at no point do you really talk about your father's betrayal, you don't even say anything unkind about the divorce. I think your grief from your fathers passing, is making you lash out and you never liked her. Was this his only betrayal? He got away with it once, why not more? Maybe your mother knows the truth and is shielding you. Maybe she never wanted to know. None of this absolves your aunt, or condemns your father but I hope it makes you realise you need a lot more time to process what happened and your loss.
Bigmomma (Post author) 1 month ago
I found out at the same time it was more than just her her he cheated with another woman aswell this information did surprise as I was close to my dad more so than my mum that us why I am dissapointed in him I can't feel anger towards him tho as he is not here for me to take my anger out on and as for aunt I'm angry at her for doing this to her sister I want more info like when it happend but I discussing it would cause more problems than I want so I'm just going to have to try let it go for now till things settle at least and I've had more time to gather my thoughts and feelings thank you
Load More Replies... JB 1 month ago
You’re emotionally raw and grieving your loss; it couldn’t be worse timing to discover betrayal but I’m with FreeTheUnicorn. What do you expect to gain by confronting your aunt? The satisfaction of telling her you know? That won’t ease your grief, anger or disappointment in your dad. There’s nothing she can say that would help you feel better. Why would you even want to hear her excuses when that would probably make you feel even worse? What if you confronted her and she decides to apologize to your mum? What would I do in your situation? Cling to common sense as you seem to be planning. Go low or no contact with the aunt. Focus on loving mum, remembering what was good about dad (his mistakes don’t define him), and be gentle with yourself as you go through the grieving process. I’m sorry for your loss, not just of your dad but also the image you had of him that is forever tarnished.
Bigmomma (Post author) 1 month ago
Thank you I think this is the path I will take and I really do t want to see her anyway which tbh I avoid her as much as possible anyway and if I went to see her that would be more suspicious as me not talking to her plus she would have to explain the shiner lol
Load More Replies... Bettye McKee 1 month ago
This duplication, posting the same article twice in one day, is getting to be a regular thing.
Roberta Surprenant 1 month ago
Downvoted simply because moderators started by saying not to do that. If they don't want downvotes, don't give that option.
Ben Aziza 1 month ago (edited)
I am Assuming the information is 100% reliable here (Which it is not guaranteed unless the two involved confessed. this could be a bitter person trying to cause drama) "No, it won't change anything" Are we sure? The only way for karma to be real is for people to make it manifest. If I was cheated on I would want to know. I don't like it when bad ppl get away with doing bad things. I don't like subterfuge and secrets in the name of good and care for others. It presumes they are weak and can't handle it... The truth no matter how awful is REAL at least... It is Much better than a fabricated illusion. That is just how I am. But people are different so do what you think is right by your mom and her personality. I personally can't do it. Lie by omission that is. I see it as too infantilizing. From all points of view it feels wrong: -Watching two people laugh and get along knowing one hurt the other in such a way... -Being friendly and happy with someone who did such an awful thing to me...
Bigmomma (Post author) 1 month ago
I do believe this source from whence the information came my mum has suffered a lot in the past and struggles with things telling her would definitely not be a good idea she would rather hurt herself than others if u get my drift that is why I don't want her finding out I do wish my dad was here so I could yell at him find out what he was thinking but I clearly can't do that so for now I am just going to let sleeping dogs lie (proverb fits well on this one I think) thank u for your input all advice is welcome and concidered
Load More Replies... Jenka666 1 month ago
I’m sorry you lost your dad. While it’s different for everyone, having lost my own parents. I can relate on some level. What you found out about your father also makes it more complicated for you . Right now, you are dealing with that anger stage of grief, and looking for somewhere to deflect. Never go into these situations when emotions are high. It won’t make you feel better, your mother feel better or your aunt feel better.. if it’s a conversation worth having, sit on it for a year or two and then decide. Please take care of yourself..
Bigmomma (Post author) 1 month ago
Thank u I think for now I am just going to stay quiet
Load More Replies... Shannon Donnelly 1 month ago
I'd also recommend not saying anything while you're at the top of your emotions, grieving your dad & finding out about the affair. But I would start writing her a "letter" as a way to process your feelings, something you may never give her or confront her with, but as a way of getting it out of your head. And if you do decide to confront her, you'll have a concise, thought out speech to hit her with. Side note- is it possible that your mom knows about the affair? I don't know how long ago the affair took place beyond it being after your parents divorced, but if it was less of an affair & more of a one time thing, & your mom is well aware of the kind of person your aunt is, she may already know & have moved past what happened. As you've found out, people can surprise you. Sending hugs & healing vibes.
Bigmomma (Post author) 1 month ago
Thank u it was a 1 night stand I'm pretty sure my mum has no idea or she would definitely have said something to her sister my mum isn't 1 to be able to keep her feelings bottled it would be like adding vinegar to bicarbonate soda and seing it over flow. The letter is a good idea tho I may do that and as for when it happenend my only guess is a few year before the divorce
Load More Replies... K. LNU 1 month ago
Please do not do anything while you are still grieving. Take the time for yourself/mental well-being. After reading some of your responses, it sounds like telling your aunt off will not do anyone any good, and it may make you even madder! Enjoy your time with your mom and just be civil to your icky aunt. Some people can't/won't change so don't even bother yourself in trying.
Bigmomma (Post author) 1 month ago
My aunt is vile I try to avoid her as much as possible anyway so me staying away from her won't be anything new or raise suspicion and I wanted to be discreet when telling her so nobody else new but I think even doing that somebody may hear and it still get back to my mum so deciding against it I don't know if the reliable person that told me as told any1 else but I am hoping not as the more that know the more likely it is my mum will find out and despite them getting divorced I think thus would really hurt her and destroy all the happier memories
Load More Replies... Surly Scot 1 month ago
Mom doesn't have to know a thing. I'd go speak to aunt and father together, tell them I know, tell them I think they're both disgusting pieces of sh*t for doing that to someone they claimed to love and care for. I'd tell them from that moment on they were dead to me, don't call, don't write, don't say hello when passing in the street. Mom's heart doesn't have to get broken to hold these two a-holes accountable for their actions. As soon as Mom dies, i'd tell EVERYONE who knows them what they did. Actions should always have consequences, even if someone has to initiate them. Otherwise it gives them license to do it to someone else.
Bigmomma (Post author) 1 month ago
My dad passed that is how I found out as the reliable source that told me wouldn't betray my dad I would have been discreet with aunt buy I know it would more likely get back to my mum especially as I avoid aunt as much as pos so me talking to her would raise suspicions more than me ignoring her thanks for advice
Load More Replies... Janelle Collard 1 month ago
If OP absolutely has to confront the aunt, I'd wait until mom has passed. (Hopefully, in the far future.) By that time, maybe OP's feelings + emotions will be less "burn down the house."
Bigmomma (Post author) 1 month ago
Thank u this is one of things I did concider and I am leaning more to this decision thank u
Load More Replies...
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