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“AITA For Refusing To Adopt Another Child And Possibly Divorcing My Husband Over It?”
The decision to have a combined family of biological and adopted children may pose unusual challenges for parents who want the best for both kids. The situation can become particularly interesting when one of the parents is adopted themselves and may have a softer spot for their adopted child, considering all they’ve been through.
This is the case for Reddit user u/Critical-Physics-999, who recently turned to the community to share her story of a husband that consistently favors his adopted daughter over his biological one. The problem has gotten so serious that OP is now considering divorce.
More info: Reddit
Pregnant woman at her wits’ end over hubby’s unequal treatment of their biological and adopted daughters
Image credits: Kindel Media (not the actual photo)
“I’ve brought this up constantly to him and I’m at my breaking point,” said pregnant mom of two
Image credits: Gustavo Fring (not the actual photo)
“Why doesn’t daddy love me anymore?” asked their biological daughter
Image credits: Ketut Subiyanto (not the actual photo)
Woman met with a lawyer before giving divorce ultimatum to adopted hubby
Image credits: u/Critical-Physics-999
“I have both girls in therapy already,” lamented the frustrated mother of two
The OP, a 33-year-old woman, takes us back to the beginning, with her meeting her husband in varsity after a mutual friend set them up. It was love at first sight, and, while dating, her BF let her know that he wanted to adopt kids, and that if OP wasn’t OK with that, they should end the relationship.
OP agreed, given that her BF was adopted himself and wanted to pay it forward, but at the same time made it clear that she also wanted biological children, which her BF had no issues with. Two years later, the couple finished their degrees and got married.
Today, the couple have two children, a 5-year-old biological daughter and a 7-year-old adopted daughter. They started fostering when their biological daughter was a newborn and adopted their other daughter about a year ago.
Lately OP has noticed something peculiar – her husband seems to favor their adopted daughter over their biological one.
She says he regularly takes her out for bonding time, but either leaves his biological daughter behind or drops her off somewhere else. She adds that he neglects her in other ways, like practically ignoring her at home.
According to OP, both daughters are smart, beautiful, joyous girls, but her adopted daughter struggles a bit in school, which hubby uses as an excuse to shower even more attention on her.
When OP let her husband know that she was three months pregnant, his first reaction was a bewildering, “When can we start fostering again?” OP tells us that two weeks prior, her biological daughter asked her, “Why doesn’t daddy love me anymore?” That was the final straw.
OP contacted a divorce lawyer, who let her know that nearly everything would be in her favor. Considering her husband makes substantially less than she does, OP tells us that she would easily be able to maintain her lifestyle, while hubby would struggle, a fact that could exclude him from adopting kids in the future.
Assured, OP put her foot down and told her husband that either he treats their daughters equally, or she would file for divorce. He responded by blowing his top, calling her a [jerk] and claiming that she doesn’t understand what it’s like for adopted kids.
OP says she’s afraid that if something happens again, she might snap. She tells Reddit that both daughters are already in therapy and goes on to ask the community for any advice, or even criticism.
Image credits: cottonbro studio (not the actual photo)
From what we can gather from OP’s post, it seems like her husband is carrying a lot of baggage about being adopted, and it’s jeopardizing their marriage. According to the Center For Treatment of Anxiety and Mood Disorders, adopted adults suffer from:
- Feelings of loss and grief
- Problems with developing an identity
- Reduced self-esteem and self-confidence
- Increased risk of substance abuse
- Higher rates of mental health disorders, such as depression and PTSD
A study by Silverstein and Kaplan identified 7 core issues in adoption: loss, rejection, guilt/shame, grief, identity, intimacy, and mastery/control. They say that many of the issues inherent in the adoption experience converge when the adoptee reaches adolescence.
At this time three factors intersect: an acute awareness of the significance of being adopted; a drive toward emancipation; and a biopsychosocial striving toward the development of an integrated identity.
In an article for verywellmind, Theodora Blanchfield writes that there are about seven million adoptees living in the United States, and approximately 140,000 are adopted each year. While many people look at adoption as something beautiful—and it can be—the truth is that adoptees may deal with significant mental health effects after being adopted.
Blanchfield goes on to add that adoption is often forgotten when speaking about trauma, leading to a form of disenfranchised grief, which is grief that is not typically acknowledged or validated by society.
A meta-analysis (review of studies) about adoptees’ mental health found higher levels of depression and anxiety than in non-adoptees, with bipolar disorder and major depressive disorder as the two disorders most associated with adoption. Additionally, adoptees are more likely to attempt suicide.
“It’s not natural for a baby anything to be separated immediately from its mother,” says Lesli Johnson, LMFT, a therapist who works with adoptees. The good news is that adoptees go to therapy at a higher rate than non-adoptees; they are represented twice as much as non-adoptees in therapy.
Adoption can feel like a very unique and isolating experience that few understand. A support group of other adoptees may help an adoptee feel less alone.
Such groups, whether in person or online, help them connect with others who have had similar experiences. This can be a great source of encouragement, understanding, and valuable information.
From what OP tells us in her post, it would seem that her husband could benefit from some form of therapy to help him work through his issues in a safe space. Perhaps it would lead to him having a more balanced relationship with his daughters.
What would you do if you were in OP’s position? Would you stick to the ultimatum, or try to persuade hubby to join his daughters in therapy? Let us know your opinion in the comments section below!
The Reddit community had plenty to say on the matter, with a whopping 2.2k comments
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What do you think ?
LakotaWolf (she/her) 4 months ago
I'm adopted (was adopted at birth) and while I've had my own issues with my abusive adoptive mom (as some of you Pandas know), my adoptive dad was amazing and treated me 100% like a full daughter. I am, ironically, a lot more like him than my sister is (she is our parents' bio child.) I can say that I do not personally understand *some* people who say they want children, love children, etc. but they only want biological children and refuse the idea of fostering/adoption. However, OP's husband is equally strange to me - how could you not love ALL your children, bio AND adopted? My dad could and did. I understand husband was adopted himself, but he needs therapy to help him work through his clearly unresolved trauma from being adopted as an older child. He should love both of his daughters - because they are BOTH his daughters. Signed, an adopted daughter who loved and misses her father terribly <3
Helena 4 months ago
I very much wanted to adopt out of foster care. After 4 years I had to accept that they simply wouldn't give a single atheist a kid. I just couldn't do foster care. The idea of loving a kid and having to give them up to god knows what kind of situation was just too much for me. I know me. i'd never survive that.
Load More Replies...
Helena 4 months ago
Kids who have been in foster care do need a different style of parenting. At best, the uncertainty that has marked their life will leave scars for the rest of their life, at worst there is some truly horrifying things in their past that necessitated the removal in the first place. They need therapeutic parenting. That is not a good reason to not spend time with Rosie. The scars foster care leave are real though. He himself is a good example of how it will effect you for life. He's going to have trouble connecting with bio's childhoods because it doesn't mirror his experience. That is no excuse not to try. Dad needs serious therapy.
Zedrapazia 4 months ago
Wanted to say exactly the same as you! The problem seems to start with the fact that he didn't grow up like a normal kid in a family, so he can't relate to his bio daughter. He should go to therapy like adopted daughter does
Load More Replies... Gwyn 4 months ago (edited)
She's NTA. I'm a bio and my sisters are adopted. I was left to my own devices a lot growing up and the other two got loads of attention because they "needed it more". My mom still favors the youngest and does everything for her to the point that sis didn't know how to do anything for herself at 45yo. I resent it so much. I don't think I'll ever be close to my sisters. I keep in touch for my kids sake but honestly my parents and i aren't close and I don't know how we ever could be - I can never trust that I'll ever be a priority to them.
Historyharlot93 4 months ago
I’m an adoptive mom here, first child was adopted, second child bio. I understand family therapy for the issues surrounding fostering, but I’m very concerned for the five year old Rosie. If you have a 5 year old in full time therapy, there’s something really wrong going on in that house. Her grandparents live close by but are not “invasive”? Her therapist is the only outside adult she can talk to? And the parents aren’t in therapy themselves? Poor Rosie constantly seeing a therapist will make her really wonder what’s broken about her and why can’t she be fixed, i.e. being selfish. No wonder she thinks Daddy doesn’t love her anymore!
Pandroid Rebellion 4 months ago (edited)
He needs therapy. His preferential attachment to the adopted daughter is unhealthy for everyone involved.
Beef Brisket 4 months ago
I hate suggesting this because it bothers me that men are always considered sus around kids but...his favoritism between the two daughters seems beyond extreme, and the fact that the OP has brought this up countless times before the ultimatum with no change or effort to improve...is it possible dad has more than just a "fatherly" relationship with this child? The father-daughter alone time that isn't offered to his bio daughter especially seems off--and I am NOT the kind of person who often thinks this way about men. I tend to defend them.
Angie Ignacio 4 months ago (edited)
I agree the father needs therapy. Maybe even the whole family. I agree with someone who said the father is healing his inner child through Julia which isn't healthy and will build resentment from his bio children towards his adopted children. But also the wife claims she treats her daughters all the same but does she really? I feel like even though she wants to beleive that, she doesn't really. Or she would not have fantacised of not ever having adopted Julia and only raising their bio kids with her husband. There would have not been a need to resent the child. If Julia were her real child and the father early showed favouritism to her would this wife ahve still resented her innocent child for what the husband is doing? I don't think so, she would have blamed the husband. A parent who truly sees the child as theirs would never think something like this to their own child if they truly considered that child their real child. There are so many instances of parents claiming they "treat all their kids the same," but they really don't but they truly believe they do. I am also adopted and if you ask my mother she will claim she treated both my brother and I the same way but she did not. Although, we were both adopted, but my brother was still biologically her blood family by being her great nephew. While I was not, and shared no blood relations to her. It was a horrible feeling growing up knowing that you will never be related and being treated very differently for it, even though my mother claimed to treat us all equally. So, in this story even though the father is clearly showing favouritism towards the adopted daughter, from the way this mother wrote her post, I feel like she is also not treating her adopted daughter equally the same way she treats her bio daughter/ children either. It is just more obvious from the father. I've lived that life, so I can spot these things when others like this talk the way they do. Even though she strongly claims she cares for both kids the same way, in my eyes, it doesn't seem that way.
Kasia Taylor 4 months ago (edited)
I would also be worried that your husband will transfer this unhealthy favoritism to whoever the newest foster/adopted child is, leaving Julia even more messed up.
ZombieMommy 4 months ago
Five. Five years old and she is asking why her Daddy doesn't love her. That is an immense amount of neglect for a five year old. If I were OP I would file for divorce and custody of the kids. They deserve so much better. He is acting like the foster child he once was, not the father he needs to be for his girls.
Jessica Oettel 4 months ago
The father needs therapy. He is obviously very mentally impacted by being adopted himself. He is unable to connect to the bio child because he was adopted and they are then to him fundamentally different. His adopted daughter is being negatively impacted because she sees the parents arguing because of her and will then fear they'll get rid of her etc. I personally would have just filed for divorce when he claimed my child was selfish for expecting their father to love them. He obviously DOES NOT need another foster child he cannot even parent the two children he has correctly. Coddling and favoring one child is not appropriate parenting and DOES NOT END WELL. Both children will be negatively impacted by the father and now there is one on the way. I can't imagine anything changing for the one on the way. Just another for father to neglect. When you adopt there then should be no difference between bio or adopted.
JayWantsACat 4 months ago
This is rough. The husband is trying to just do good for kids that are in the situation he was in, which is admirable, but at the expense of his other kids. This doesn't seem very conscious on his part. Maybe it leans into obsessive behavior? I feel like therapy should be in their plans if they want to stay together, especially for the kids. The kids ultimately are the ones suffering here and I empathise with OP just trying to do their best.
Alicia M 4 months ago (edited)
I hope the dad gets the help he needs because it's clearly an issue with him. He seems to be trying to heal his past trauma by giving another adopted child everything he didn't get, but he needs to be able to do this in a way that's not hurtful to others. Trying to fix one child is hurting another child and he needs to be aware of that.
Gozer LeGozerian 4 months ago
Why is she referring to the bio daughter as MY daughter and not OUR? And not calling adopted daughter hers as well? Seems like they both have issues
LakotaWolf (she/her) 4 months ago
I'm adopted (was adopted at birth) and while I've had my own issues with my abusive adoptive mom (as some of you Pandas know), my adoptive dad was amazing and treated me 100% like a full daughter. I am, ironically, a lot more like him than my sister is (she is our parents' bio child.) I can say that I do not personally understand *some* people who say they want children, love children, etc. but they only want biological children and refuse the idea of fostering/adoption. However, OP's husband is equally strange to me - how could you not love ALL your children, bio AND adopted? My dad could and did. I understand husband was adopted himself, but he needs therapy to help him work through his clearly unresolved trauma from being adopted as an older child. He should love both of his daughters - because they are BOTH his daughters. Signed, an adopted daughter who loved and misses her father terribly <3
Helena 4 months ago
I very much wanted to adopt out of foster care. After 4 years I had to accept that they simply wouldn't give a single atheist a kid. I just couldn't do foster care. The idea of loving a kid and having to give them up to god knows what kind of situation was just too much for me. I know me. i'd never survive that.
Load More Replies... Helena 4 months ago
Kids who have been in foster care do need a different style of parenting. At best, the uncertainty that has marked their life will leave scars for the rest of their life, at worst there is some truly horrifying things in their past that necessitated the removal in the first place. They need therapeutic parenting. That is not a good reason to not spend time with Rosie. The scars foster care leave are real though. He himself is a good example of how it will effect you for life. He's going to have trouble connecting with bio's childhoods because it doesn't mirror his experience. That is no excuse not to try. Dad needs serious therapy.
Zedrapazia 4 months ago
Wanted to say exactly the same as you! The problem seems to start with the fact that he didn't grow up like a normal kid in a family, so he can't relate to his bio daughter. He should go to therapy like adopted daughter does
Load More Replies... Gwyn 4 months ago (edited)
She's NTA. I'm a bio and my sisters are adopted. I was left to my own devices a lot growing up and the other two got loads of attention because they "needed it more". My mom still favors the youngest and does everything for her to the point that sis didn't know how to do anything for herself at 45yo. I resent it so much. I don't think I'll ever be close to my sisters. I keep in touch for my kids sake but honestly my parents and i aren't close and I don't know how we ever could be - I can never trust that I'll ever be a priority to them.
Historyharlot93 4 months ago
I’m an adoptive mom here, first child was adopted, second child bio. I understand family therapy for the issues surrounding fostering, but I’m very concerned for the five year old Rosie. If you have a 5 year old in full time therapy, there’s something really wrong going on in that house. Her grandparents live close by but are not “invasive”? Her therapist is the only outside adult she can talk to? And the parents aren’t in therapy themselves? Poor Rosie constantly seeing a therapist will make her really wonder what’s broken about her and why can’t she be fixed, i.e. being selfish. No wonder she thinks Daddy doesn’t love her anymore!
Pandroid Rebellion 4 months ago (edited)
He needs therapy. His preferential attachment to the adopted daughter is unhealthy for everyone involved.
Beef Brisket 4 months ago
I hate suggesting this because it bothers me that men are always considered sus around kids but...his favoritism between the two daughters seems beyond extreme, and the fact that the OP has brought this up countless times before the ultimatum with no change or effort to improve...is it possible dad has more than just a "fatherly" relationship with this child? The father-daughter alone time that isn't offered to his bio daughter especially seems off--and I am NOT the kind of person who often thinks this way about men. I tend to defend them.
Angie Ignacio 4 months ago (edited)
I agree the father needs therapy. Maybe even the whole family. I agree with someone who said the father is healing his inner child through Julia which isn't healthy and will build resentment from his bio children towards his adopted children. But also the wife claims she treats her daughters all the same but does she really? I feel like even though she wants to beleive that, she doesn't really. Or she would not have fantacised of not ever having adopted Julia and only raising their bio kids with her husband. There would have not been a need to resent the child. If Julia were her real child and the father early showed favouritism to her would this wife ahve still resented her innocent child for what the husband is doing? I don't think so, she would have blamed the husband. A parent who truly sees the child as theirs would never think something like this to their own child if they truly considered that child their real child. There are so many instances of parents claiming they "treat all their kids the same," but they really don't but they truly believe they do. I am also adopted and if you ask my mother she will claim she treated both my brother and I the same way but she did not. Although, we were both adopted, but my brother was still biologically her blood family by being her great nephew. While I was not, and shared no blood relations to her. It was a horrible feeling growing up knowing that you will never be related and being treated very differently for it, even though my mother claimed to treat us all equally. So, in this story even though the father is clearly showing favouritism towards the adopted daughter, from the way this mother wrote her post, I feel like she is also not treating her adopted daughter equally the same way she treats her bio daughter/ children either. It is just more obvious from the father. I've lived that life, so I can spot these things when others like this talk the way they do. Even though she strongly claims she cares for both kids the same way, in my eyes, it doesn't seem that way.
Kasia Taylor 4 months ago (edited)
I would also be worried that your husband will transfer this unhealthy favoritism to whoever the newest foster/adopted child is, leaving Julia even more messed up.
ZombieMommy 4 months ago
Five. Five years old and she is asking why her Daddy doesn't love her. That is an immense amount of neglect for a five year old. If I were OP I would file for divorce and custody of the kids. They deserve so much better. He is acting like the foster child he once was, not the father he needs to be for his girls.
Jessica Oettel 4 months ago
The father needs therapy. He is obviously very mentally impacted by being adopted himself. He is unable to connect to the bio child because he was adopted and they are then to him fundamentally different. His adopted daughter is being negatively impacted because she sees the parents arguing because of her and will then fear they'll get rid of her etc. I personally would have just filed for divorce when he claimed my child was selfish for expecting their father to love them. He obviously DOES NOT need another foster child he cannot even parent the two children he has correctly. Coddling and favoring one child is not appropriate parenting and DOES NOT END WELL. Both children will be negatively impacted by the father and now there is one on the way. I can't imagine anything changing for the one on the way. Just another for father to neglect. When you adopt there then should be no difference between bio or adopted.
JayWantsACat 4 months ago
This is rough. The husband is trying to just do good for kids that are in the situation he was in, which is admirable, but at the expense of his other kids. This doesn't seem very conscious on his part. Maybe it leans into obsessive behavior? I feel like therapy should be in their plans if they want to stay together, especially for the kids. The kids ultimately are the ones suffering here and I empathise with OP just trying to do their best.
Alicia M 4 months ago (edited)
I hope the dad gets the help he needs because it's clearly an issue with him. He seems to be trying to heal his past trauma by giving another adopted child everything he didn't get, but he needs to be able to do this in a way that's not hurtful to others. Trying to fix one child is hurting another child and he needs to be aware of that.
Gozer LeGozerian 4 months ago
Why is she referring to the bio daughter as MY daughter and not OUR? And not calling adopted daughter hers as well? Seems like they both have issues
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