I think some people skipped after reading his wife left hi everything but... And didn't see the end of that sentence where he said: that's still barely enough for the state facility. He will have to pay his whole money to get her into care. And he gets older. He won't be able to defend himself against her rage much longer, and if he doesn't get her into a care facility now they will put her in a prison facility for mentally impaired if she manages to choke him to death. People shame and blame parents of such disabled children far too much so they keep them home, even when it would be better for them to grow up in a decent facility. If he and his wife had found a good care facility while she was much younger, they could have both worked and built up a trust fund for her gor the day they both die. Their family wouldn't be so estranged and maybe even help financially. But those relatives are responsible too for sitting on the high horse and judging him. He is 55. He tried his best.

Had I stopped at the title, I might have stayed angry at the OP. The daughter's violence absolutely complicates the situation. A neighbour has DS, it's a lot of work for his mother, but he's utterly charming, funny, and sociable. Hence, not hard to find someone to give her a break. If someone is violent, getting respite is hugely difficult. Plus even professional caretakers get injured.

Personally for me, all bets are off once someone gets violent like that. I would have left the first time I was attacked and honestly, I would have probably defended myself with force at the time. In-law, bio-child, disability or not, doesn't matter for me once that line is crossed.

I try to live by a “because I said would” ethos, but here’s the thing about promises: people change; circumstances change. It’s ok to change our minds even if it was, at one point in time, a promise. We’ve all done so. We all do so. The original intention weighed with our current situation is what others should consider when we express a change of ♡. Be that in a preference or a promise. We’re also allowed to learn & grow and establish new boundaries. Anyone who criticizes you for “changing your mind” or “reneging on a commitment” without having an honest assessment of why you’ve changed is a toxic person. Like the family this OP is dealing with.

I don't blame this man a bit, and he hung on longer than he probably should have. The young lady should have been in a facility as soon as she became violent, and it's fortunate that she hasn't hurt anyone more severely than she has. I understand the mother wanting her to be at home, but that's often not what is best for anyone, including the person with the disability. When I was a young man our next door neighbors had a son with Down's syndrome, and they kept him at home for a long time, but finally sent him to a group home. He was much happier there than he had been at home.

But but but.. living with a person with DS is all puppies and rainbows! The state of Ohio said so!

By the sound of it (since no other relatives are stepping forward to offer accommodation etc. ) this young lady is going to end up in a care facility sooner or later. That being the case, what benefit is there to her in delaying the inevitable? It doesn't sound as if she wants to be with him either. She might even prefer it. NTA.

I worked several years in a residential/vocational facility for special needs adults. We had several Down Syndrome cases with a wide range of abilities. Many were cheerful, highly capable, easily integrated in the community. A few more severe cases were like the woman described here - frankly, a bit scary. Her mother meant well, but may have done her daughter a disservice by not getting her into some kind of professional program earlier. You need not apologize to anyone, explain yourself to anyone. Do what is best for you and your stepdaughter.

My wife is the caretaker for her brother and he is in a group home. He cannot live with us because even though he is medicated, he has had violent outbursts. She has made arrangements for is something were to happen to her because I wouldn't be able to deal with it and would not let him live with me. OP can send her off to the judgmental relatives.

I know I'm going to get down voted on this. NTA, some, very few people with down syndrome can be half functional in society. They give me the creeps. You can't read them. I have worked directly with them. I understand the love of a mother or father for their child but as OP says, nobody wants to be near. My lawyer son has Dawn Síndrome and has ruined his life, marriage and economy.

Family are quick to judge, but not so quick to take on the responsibility themselves.

Two choices: One, you keep your promise and be miserable until you die. Second, find her a place that can meet her needs.

I'm wondering where the father lives and why there is no funding for caregiver support or supported living? In my country there would be a lot of funding and support for ensuring everyone can live safe and well. I am curious what is going on that the daughter is so dysregulated and if there are opportunities to reduce triggers. The wife sounds very naive and like she didn't really know her husband that well if she was relying on him to be a primary caregiver when he's clearly not up to the task. It is a shame she didn't make other arrangements and bring in a wider support system. So many missed opportunities. Parenting someone from age 5 to adulthood means he does have responsibilities but he may well have caregiver burnout or PTSD too. I'm a disabled person and work in disability support and advisory. There is some appalling ableism on display here in a few of the comments. Bigotry towards any marginalised group is unacceptable.

He's NTA for putting her into a care facility, but would be TA if he doesnt ever follow up and try to still have a realationship with her. Its clear he cannot, physically or mentally, take care of her. And doesnt need to be shamed or guilted for taking care of his own immediate SAFTEY. But he shouldn't just abandon her either, as shes the only person she really has. So as long as he continues to try to work with the facility to support her? Then he's done everything he CAN

I don't blame the man at all, though I would've left when she first started getting violent. Her mother knew she was dying and did nothing to prepare for her future. That's on her. If the other family members think you're so evil, then let them take her in.