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911 Calls During Which Dispatchers Could Barely Stop Themselves From Laughing (35 Moments) A guy calls from a payphone to complain that he has a pipe wrench stuck up his butt and he needed an ambulance. He gave his location as the corner where the payphone was located. I asked him if he could tell me his appearance so I could be sure the medics could find him. His response, "look dude, I'll be the only guy on the corner with a pipe wrench in his butt." I couldn't argue with that...

nlderek , Emilian Robert Vicol Report

Final score:

313points

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Cosmikid 7 months ago

Shall I put a chrysanthemum on my lapel? That and the pipe wrench should do it."

125points

911 Calls During Which Dispatchers Could Barely Stop Themselves From Laughing (35 Moments) I was the caller. My deck had a couple unsafe spots. Normally I avoided them just fine, but on this night, it had snowed. I stepped outside for just a minute, because snow is very rare here. In doing so, I forgot about the unsafe spots. I stepped on one, and my leg dropped through.

As I fell, the boards on either side of my leg bent, but then retracted. The hole was smaller than my knee now. I couldn’t get out.

My girlfriend got me a coat to sit on, because my butt was already starting to get cold, and we called 911. Fortunately, I live so close to the fire department, they were there in less than 3 minutes. I live so close, had I Wilhelm screamed as I fell, they’d have likely heard me and arrived even faster.

But four super strong firemen couldn’t pull me out either, and I will add to that, that I think the first half of this sentence would be fairly humorous out of context. Anyway, one of them went to get a chainsaw out of the fire truck, and while we waited, I started singing “The Pit” from Parks and Rec, and they all joined in with me, and we had a good laugh about my situation.

Other than having a sore, purple leg for a few days, I was fine. I bought them all coffee a few days later. Super fun guys. 10/10. Would definitely be rescued by them again.

ArmyOfDog , Scott Broome Report

Final score:

287points

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Cosmikid 7 months ago

Not really a fun experience! I've put my leg through a deck too. You did great, and thanks for the Wilhelm scream; I was unfamiliar. :-)

91points

As you might already know, 911 is an emergency telephone number. This exact number is used in several places:

Argentina;
Canada;
Dominican Republic;
Jordan;
Mexico;
Palau;
Panama;
the Philippines;
Sint Maarten;
the United States;
Uruguay.

It also is a part of the North American Numbering Plan (NANP), which is historically known as World Zone 1, as an N11 code. It’s a three-digit dialing code used in abbreviated dialing in the said plan. This kind of dialing code provides access to special local services, for example, 211 (community services and information) and probably best known (at least for countries outside of the US) 911 (emergency services).

911 Calls During Which Dispatchers Could Barely Stop Themselves From Laughing (35 Moments) When I was a 911 calltaker I got a call from a gentleman reporting an issue with his toilet. For whatever reason it was a bit hard for me to understand exactly what the problem was, except that it definitely involved his toilet. After a little while, I determined to the best of my ability that the toilet was overflowing and he didn't know what to do. Although plumbing issues are absolutely not an appropriate reason for calling 911, it wasn't unheard of. To a certain extent I can understand the thought process and people have certainly called 911 for less.

After a bit more talking, however, I realized that he had not called about a plumbing issue. You see, it wasn't water that was coming out of his toilet, but demons. The demons were spilling out of his toilet and he needed help. I put in a complaint for the police (I know, cops for a mental health issue is not idea, but it's the only thing we had) and kept him on the phone as he was fairly distressed. Unfortunately, it was a busy evening and the cops wouldn't be able to get to him for a few minutes. As such, I asked if he could close the toilet lid. He said he could and he did. Did this stop the demons from coming out of his toilet? It did! This made him much more calm and I was able to release the call. Can't remember what ended up happening with him. I'd guess he was taken to the local ER that had a psychiatric crisis center voluntarily. But it stands out as the time I solved a caller's toilet demon problem with a very straight-forward solution.

anon , Gabor Monori Report

Final score:

263points

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Cosmikid 7 months ago (edited)

Outstanding "Try" for the OP!! Your Common Sense IQ has to be around 130!! That should give you Warm Fuzzies, well deserved, all your life. Cops for mental health issues are USUALLY the only option- and they are really not trained for it. Ask a shrink.

107points

911 Calls During Which Dispatchers Could Barely Stop Themselves From Laughing (35 Moments) Not 911 but worked for animal control dispatch in a tourist town during my senior year in HS. Got a call from a lady that had called 911 previously and was told to call our number. Picked up the phone to what sounded like a whole car of very panicked people all yelling at once. After asking what was wrong several times I finally heard someone yell "a deer! There's a deer in somebody's yard, yall gotta come pick it up!" Thinking it was a dead deer/road kill I said an animal control officer would come pick up the body soon. And a kid in the background starts bawling saying the officer was gonna kill it! So I paused for a second and asked is the deer alive? What is it doing? Someone far away from the phone yelled "its just sitting there in the yard! So I said "Yeah this is Texas. He lives there. Just don't touch him or get too close and y'all will be ok." Literally not even 5 minutes later we got a call from another tourist about a deer chasing a family after they tried to take a selfie with it.... To this say I'm still not sure if it was the same family, but wow. I hope it was.

domods , Scott Carroll Report

Final score:

215points

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Cosmikid 7 months ago

Missing from the conversation is "what season is this?" - Spring; "lost" fawn? Just leave them alone, and they'll go home; Autumn "deer chasing us" - rarely a buck in rut will get focused on a human- and yes, they can kill you.

66points

911 Calls During Which Dispatchers Could Barely Stop Themselves From Laughing (35 Moments) Not an operator but one time I went to a local library to do work as my home was filled with loud guests. I’m there for a couple hours and I saw I had 25 mins left. So I packed all my stuff up and brought it to the bathroom so I could take a s**t, not leave my stuff unattended and the immediately just leave.

Y’all they locked me in.

The librarians thought I left. The whole place was empty and dark. I walked right out the front door, which was locked, and triggered the alarm. Now not to throw race into into it but I’m a big Latino man in a very very white and upper class part of my state. So there was a real sense of fear I had lol. I didn’t want to be caught driving away from this scene in case any Karens were peeping out their windows.

I had to call the cops on myself and explain that I got locked in the library while taking a s**t and the operator is dying. Cops show up and one of them goes, so you like breaking in and taking s**ts huh? I went white as a ghost and started immediately bumbling my words. They brought the whole department out because they thought it was the funniest s**t. Thankfully they were cool and just laughed at my dumba*s.

theyoungreezy , matthew Feeney Report

Final score:

211points

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Cosmikid 7 months ago

Your posterior is NOT dumb; you handled it brilliantly, and your fears, sadly, were not misplaced. Great the cops were laughing- and hope you were too.

162points

Great Britain was the first country to establish an emergency telephone number in 1937: 999 or 112. The United States got its emergency number in 1968. The exact number of 911 was chosen based on cost factors, as telephone company equipment could be modified to accept the number, and it was easy to remember.

The very first time 911 was used was back in February of 1968 in Haleyville, Alabama. In fact, this call, in a way, kind of fits today’s topic: fun 911 calls. It wasn’t used for an emergency but for a show by the Alabama speaker placing the call to give the Alabama Telephone Company bragging rights as the first telephone service provider to implement the new system.

911 Calls During Which Dispatchers Could Barely Stop Themselves From Laughing (35 Moments) Not the operator but told by an operator friend of mine:

Woman calls up to allege that her car has been sexually soiled by a car washer.
She had left her car with a valet service while she was shopping, picked it up and drove it home before she noticed a white mark on her passenger seat. She’s convinced it was spunk, so she calls the police to report it.
Operator asked if she had complained to the company, which she had. They had advised her that the soap they use for fabrics sometimes leaves a mark when it dries and if she just gives it a quick rub, it will go.
She then tells the operator that she knows the company is lying because she put her finger on it and then tasted it, and it was definitely spunk and she “knows very well what spunk tastes like.”
Somehow the operator convinced her to complain further to the valeting company and ended the call before falling off his chair laughing.

SmartyMarty85 , Remy Lovesy Report

Final score:

184points

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sturmwesen 7 months ago

who just tastes dubious residues?

199points

911 Calls During Which Dispatchers Could Barely Stop Themselves From Laughing (35 Moments) My mom was a 911 operator in the SF Bay area in the 80s and 90s. I asked her to tell me a story to pass along, so here it is:

I got a 911 call and I couldn't understand the caller. He was slurring his words. I knew he was calling from a bar so I asked if he'd been drinking and after asking many times of asking, I was able to determine that he wanted the police, not an ambulance. He wanted to file assault charges because a woman pulled his tongue. I asked, "how was she able to pull your tongue?" and he said, "because I stuck it out at her." I had to keep muting the call because I was laughing so hard.

Apparently my supervisor went on to play this call in seminars for years and always got a ton of laughter.

SooperDiz , Timothy Dykes Report

Final score:

172points

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That tiny x on the pop up add 7 months ago

They deserved it.

64points

911 Calls During Which Dispatchers Could Barely Stop Themselves From Laughing (35 Moments) My kid worked for animal control, we are eating dinner and 911 dispatch calls him. Some panicked lady had called 911 about an owl in a tree that couldn’t fly. It had been sitting in the tree for a half hour not moving. Of course it was just before dusk and the owl was just waiting for dark so it could go hunt for dinner. Then there was the call about the one legged duck at the park...

Edit to add: he actually went to the park to make sure the duck wasn’t injured but realized after 15 minutes how silly he looked chasing after this one legged duck that was outrunning him.

Canoe52 , Dominik Van Opdenbosch Report

Final score:

170points

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glowworm2 7 months ago

Later, police got calls from the owl complaining about this weird lady freaking out about him not moving.

112points

I_only_eat_triangles , Acton Crawford Report

Of course, 911 isn’t used in all the countries in the world. Another common number is 112, which is commonly available in many European Union and European countries, some Asian and African countries, and in the Australian region.

Prank calls to emergency numbers aren't a rare thing. Yet, it should be noted that, in some cases, making a false call to such a number can land a person in quite serious legal trouble.

For example, in California, it’s illegal to make a fake 911 call, and a person who does it can end up with a punishment of something like one year in county jail or a $1,000 fine, depending on how severe the consequences of a false report are.

But not all funny calls are false. Just take a look at our list. Sometimes, the situations are just funny. And while maybe they're scary enough for the people involved to be calling an emergency number, they make for a funny story later on, especially for dispatchers.

Do you know any fun stories related to emergency calls? Don't shy away from sharing them in the comments!

#10

911 Calls During Which Dispatchers Could Barely Stop Themselves From Laughing (35 Moments) A young kid called and asked to talk to the fire trucks. It was pretty late at night so I told him the firetrucks were already sleeping and asked him to put a parent on the phone.

Another time, the caller said "is this the krust krab?". Reflex kicked in, and I replied "no, this is Patrick" before I even realized what had happened.

Final score:

155points

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Donteatme666 7 months ago

🤣

41points

#11

911 Calls During Which Dispatchers Could Barely Stop Themselves From Laughing (35 Moments) Ok ex-911 dispatcher/EMT-I here, so while on light duty due to injury working rescue calls I was trained to do 911 call intakes in Florida and worked midnight shifts (always the craziest type of calls) I receive a call from a hysterical teenage boy. After getting him to calm down he tells me that his friend has been swallowed up by a tube monster. (??) So I asked him where this tube monster is at? Are you there with the tube monster right now? He says yes he can hear his friend, but he is trapped. After finally being able to get the location of the caller (this is in the '90s) Units are called to the scene - police, fire, and ambulance. Now I have been on the phone for over 20 mins with this young man and had him stay on the phone until help arrived. Then he says, "Man my dad's gonna [end] me". I asked him why? He says 'cause I promised him I wouldn't drop acid anymore, and we've been trippin' all night. So I had to get on the radio and advise crews coming in of the current mental status of both caller and victim. When crews arrived they found the teen at the bottom of a hill stuck inside of an actual plastic tube they had been climbing inside of and rolling each other down said hill while tripping. The teen had to be extricated. The other teen was found by the payphone awaiting dad's wrath.

Armymomdeb , Pawel Czerwinski Report

Final score:

152points

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SlothyK8 7 months ago

FLORIDA. That's all I needed to read to start laughing.

85points

copewithlifebyliving , cottonbro studio Report

#12

911 Calls During Which Dispatchers Could Barely Stop Themselves From Laughing (35 Moments) I remember a story about these kids that bought 20 pounds of weed in one state and tried to take it back home. They got too high and thought they were being followed by cops as they saw a bunch on the journey back. They pulled over called dispatch and told them where they were and that they were going to wait for the cops to come arrest them for bringing weed across state lines. Police had no idea wtf they were talking about but went and arrested them for trafficking.

Final score:

130points

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Cosmikid 7 months ago

This will be a GREAT story to tell teenies just thinking about it all...

40points

#13

911 Calls During Which Dispatchers Could Barely Stop Themselves From Laughing (35 Moments) (Pre-911, before addresses were automatically shown) A couple [making love] knocked the phone off the night stand and they had the police on speed dial. I thought she was being choked out so I had the phone company track the address and sent the cavalry. When they pounded on the front door I heard the woman say “Oh my God there are five cop cars outside!” The guy went downstairs and she picked up the phone and said “hello?” I said hello, ma’am, this is the police. Are you ok?” She said, “I’m fine. We were uh... busy.” I said I had been listening for the last few minutes and she said “Oh... we must have knocked the phone on the floor.”

The patrol guys told the guy they had to see her in person at the same time I was talking to her. She came downstairs so they could verify she was ok. They said she was pretty embarrassed.

SpaceCadetBob , Kindel Media Report

Final score:

123points

POST

Kathy B 7 months ago

I wonder what she was choking on 🤔🤣

47points

#14

911 Calls During Which Dispatchers Could Barely Stop Themselves From Laughing (35 Moments) My late aunt once called 911 because my uncle wouldn't change the fan that was blowing on her. Because it was a small community in NE Michigan, the police laughed and came out and changed the fan.

barrel-getya , Delaney Van Report

Final score:

120points

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Cosmikid 7 months ago

Has to be really Nano small community!

41points

#15

When I was still in training, my supervisor would play back training 911 calls for me to listen to and dispatch. In one call, the caller says that their friend is dying and that they’re in their car and they’ve pulled over on an access road near a busy restaurant. As the dispatcher asks more questions, we discover that the caller is holding their friend’s internal organs in her hands. Dispatch asks all the questions and eventually the caller says that their friend was hit by a car crossing the busy street in front of the restaurant. Dispatch keeps talking to her until a unit arrived on scene. They disconnect the call and the next thing you hear is the unit keying up and trying to hold back the laughter as he reported that the victim had died of their injuries prior to his arrival. And that the victim was a squirrel.

Emeraldwillow Report

Final score:

120points

POST

justanotherweirdo 7 months ago

I mean… who says people can’t have a squirrel as a friend? 😂 😂

101points

#16

911 Calls During Which Dispatchers Could Barely Stop Themselves From Laughing (35 Moments) 112 From Europe. Man, I can't count them all.

* A man called to say he's wrestling with deadly 10m (32-33 ft) snake in his backyard. He was very scared and although I wasn't sure how did a 10m snake appeared in his backyard I send the emergency to the police. They even called him back, but his father answered. The conversation was quite funny:

> Hello, sir. Police here. Is this Mr. Y?

> His father.

> Do you know where your son is?

> I don't know. Went to the backyard I guess.

>Maybe you should check on him. He might be fighting for his life against a deadly snake.

Turned out the guy was *a little* high and was wrestling with a bush.

* Dude wanted an ambulance because he needed to check if his girlfriend was pregnant or not. I heard her in the back saying "But my period is over 2 months late!" and he was like "no, no, no. A doctor needs to see it first". He didn't want to accept that it was not an emergency, and couldn't understand how gynecologists usualy aren't in an ambulance.

* Not sure if stories about people with mental illnesses should qualify, but there are some strong contenders like the queen of hamsters (that's how she introduced herself) whose internet connection apparently was cut off because she did not like one of our politicians. But she does now and she wants her internet back.

* A man wanted to prank his friend and hid in his kitchen behind sink. He couldn't get out and Fire Brigade was needed to free him.

Sauronus , David Clode Report

Final score:

112points

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Cosmikid 7 months ago

Yep, "High-Dialers" - have to be a huge problem. How many times have the Ambassadors form Aldebaran phoned in to make contact- and been blown off as druggies??

26points

#17

911 Calls During Which Dispatchers Could Barely Stop Themselves From Laughing (35 Moments) I had a call from a male who said he needed an ambulance because "the beans are out of the pod."

Not being entirely sure what he meant I asked a few more questions. Seems he had an argument with his wife and things got physically violent. She grabbed his genitals tightly with her hand. He pushed her away. She did not let go. It ripped open.

I dispatched the ambulance for a "testicular degloving" injury, as well as the police. Ambulance made me repeat the dispatch and then called by phone to confirm. Couldn't believe their ears.

que_he_hecho , Marco Verch Report

Final score:

109points

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Donteatme666 7 months ago

Hope she went to jail for assault

89points

#18

911 Calls During Which Dispatchers Could Barely Stop Themselves From Laughing (35 Moments) I’m a 911 operator for the ambulance service. Was processing a call one time that required a Cantonese interpreter over the phone as the caller did not speak English. Was told by the interpreter the caller was phoning for her husband who had abdominal pain and was constipated for over a week. The caller and the interpreter then go back and forth talking for some time before I interrupt.

Me: Sorry interpreter, what is she saying?

Interpreter: Um.. I’m just making sure I’ve understood what she’s asking correctly

Me: What is she asking?

Interpreter: she’s asking if she can help it out.. using a spoon..

Me: ...No no tell her not to do that.

She later referred to where the pain was as his “poo pipe” but at least that one made sense.

BobbyBish , Justin Henry Report

Final score:

108points

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Cosmikid 7 months ago

Translations! SO many ways to go wrong!! My fave being the first attempt of the Coca Cola company to render those sounds into written Mandarin- which turns out to read "Bite the wax tadpole." Didn't go well.

45points

#19

911 Calls During Which Dispatchers Could Barely Stop Themselves From Laughing (35 Moments) 112 Operator here.I had a woman who wanted to report herself dead. Like not in she wanted to commit [self-harm] (DO NOT DO THAT! There is help and if you have these thoughts please talk to people or a doc about this!) but she was sure that she died. A somewhat normal middle aged woman and she called 112 (medics and fire, 110 is for cops) so we would get her a morgue. It was my strangest call ever to tell a person, who was very much alive talking to me, that in fact she was not dead. We sent an ambualnce (for free, long live the eu-healthcaresystem).In the end it turned out to be a shroom induced psychosis EDIT: Yeah weird, but also funny afterwards.

M3nsch3n , Karolina Grabowska Report

Final score:

105points

POST

Kelly H. Wilder 7 months ago

I thought it could be Cotard's Syndrome.

48points

#20

911 Calls During Which Dispatchers Could Barely Stop Themselves From Laughing (35 Moments) Colleague, let's call her Sharon, answered this one. Sharon was from West Africa, and spoke excellent English with an accent that was mix of a British and her native language. I was her supervisor and listened in on this call.

Male caller: My wife is trying to [end] me.
Sharon: What did she do?
Male caller: She put a mothball in my crack pipe.
Sharon: A what? Male caller: A mothball! Sharon: A mothball?
Male callet: A mothball.
Sharon: (as an aside to me, What is a mothball?)

The What? A mothball! exchange was repeated a few times. Though Sharon's English was excellent "mothball" was one word she was unfamiliar with. And something about her accent as she kept repeating this just got to me.

Listening in I had a hard time stifling a laugh and couldn't compose myself enough to explain and get the dispatch out for a few moments. I explained mothbslls to Sharon after the call ended.

Ambulance sent due to possible lung damage from inhaling fumes from a burning mothball. Police sent for the crack pipe.

que_he_hecho , scientistbarbie89 Report

Final score:

105points

POST

Cosmikid 7 months ago

Next? "Hey! let's try smoking gasoline! That's powerful!" Probably happens a lot- but no calls from them?

27points

Dutch Swimmer Goes Viral For Super Revealing Trunks During 2024 Olympics: “Is This Legal?”

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#21

911 Calls During Which Dispatchers Could Barely Stop Themselves From Laughing (35 Moments) At a long term care facility I worked at One of our residents called 911 with the phone in her room because she didnt get ketchup with her lunch. Not kidding. The sherrifs office called back to let the nurses know what she'd done while I was standing right there. I've never laughed so hard at work.

damnit_jen , Erik Mclean Report

Final score:

104points

POST

Cosmikid 7 months ago

Sometimes- Elders, and the Differently Mental - have a clearer recognition of what is TRULY important.

51points

#22

911 Calls During Which Dispatchers Could Barely Stop Themselves From Laughing (35 Moments) I had to discard the 'funny to us but too hard to explain why because of our dark and wildly inappropriate sense of humor' stories to find an appropriate one but here it is.

A man called and said he dislocated his shoulder. He sounded sort of funny and like he was caught in something so I asked him if he had fallen or something. "No... I was putting on a thermal shirt and my shoulder popped out and now I'm stuck. I was going to drive myself to the hospital but I'd have to drive with my arm out of the window". Ambulance was dispatched for a shirt extrication and transport.

anon , Gabin Vallet Report

Final score:

103points

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Cosmikid 7 months ago

"our dark and wildly inappropriate sense of humor" Don't ever go to a party for Doctors, or one for Shrinks - and listen to their jokes. You'll be scarred for life. There are jokes they only tell each other; for that reason. "A way to blow off steam" is why they do it.

68points

Woman Put A Water Fountain With A Camera In Her Yard, Here Are 24 Photos Of Regular Visitors (New Pics)

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#23

911 Calls During Which Dispatchers Could Barely Stop Themselves From Laughing (35 Moments) Not an operator. But I had a friend in high school who got addicted to [illegal substances]. Years after she got out of rehab she told me the story about how she ended up in rehab.

She had called the police on herself because, “there are demons living in my walls and I’d like the police to come remove them.”

When she sobered up, she also realized she didn’t live next to a pool. That’s important because while she was high she would sit outside and watch people swim. She did that for two years. Even though there was no pool.

zachslow , Sebastian Herrmann Report

Final score:

95points

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Cosmikid 7 months ago

Doesn't sound like substances as much as downright paranoid schizophrenia. Could be both..

50points

nonameneeded2340 , Pavel Danilyuk Report

#24

911 Calls During Which Dispatchers Could Barely Stop Themselves From Laughing (35 Moments) I had to make a 999 call once (uk) and felt like a twat afterwards. My daughter who was 1 at the time was crying in her cot so went to check on her and some how she had got her head stuck between the bars, I tried for a good 10 mins to get her out to no avail had to call the fire brigade to come out. Must of sounded stupid "my babies heads stuck in her cot bars" anyway fire come out lights and sirens the whole 9 yards, 4 burly fireman come in and try to pry the bars...nope. end up getting washing up liquid and lots of gentle tugging and out pops the wee ones head ffs.

Also heard on a radio station a call recording of a fella who called 999 about a strange object in the sky after much chat he finally realised it was the moon!

Final score:

95points

POST

Libstak 7 months ago (edited)

That 1st one is actually a good reason to call for help. If he wasn't able to easily unstick his poor kid any extra force could break her neck or cause damage to her head. Get help, more than one set of hands alone would be more stable wrestling a kids head that may be squirming and screaming, that's before the benefit of their medical knowledge and prior experience which you want and need in that situation.

115points

50 Of The Most Incredible Shots That Were Submitted To The Comedy Wildlife Photography Awards

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#25

911 Calls During Which Dispatchers Could Barely Stop Themselves From Laughing (35 Moments) I’m not a 911 operator but I got a funny 911 call story. My older cousin Steve lived with his parents at age 45. He’s always been a strange one. Apparently he was constipated and instead of behaving like a normal adult and taking some exlax or stool softener, he decided it was indeed an emergency and called 911. He begged my aunt and uncle to help them but they didn’t want anything to do with his 6’8” 380lbs a*s problems. By the time the EMTS got there, Cousin Steve was naked, prying apart his butt cheeks demanding that they “get the s**t out of his a*s.” The emergency medical techs explained to him that he should really just try some OTC meds vs paying for the cost of an ambulance and hospital trip. I wish I could have seen this go down.. or maybe not. In the end, he stayed home and eventually took a ginormous dump. Yep. That’s my family. God bless the EMTs of the world.

Dethscare , RDNE Stock project Report

Final score:

95points

POST

Cosmikid 7 months ago

Pray it's not your turn when constipation becomes a real emergency! "Friend" - gave my 7 year-old son his first video game thing. 4 days later, we're in the ER; severe unexplained stomach pains; sounds like appendicitis... nope. Kid just hadn't remembered to poop for 4 days.......

54points

#26

911 Calls During Which Dispatchers Could Barely Stop Themselves From Laughing (35 Moments) We occasionally have people call in, concerned that their local convenience store is locked and they can get in (“well ma’am that just means the clerk is using the restroom.” “They’ve been gone over five minutes!” “Some things take longer than others.”)

We’ve had people wanting police because those a-hole McDonald’s employees refused to sell them a whopper.

My favorite though was the woman who was spelling out a name for us, using her own special brand of phonetics...

D like Dinosaur
O like Oh my god!
N like Nuh Unh.

MrIiams , Fons Heijnsbroek Report

Final score:

93points

POST

Cosmikid 7 months ago

We haven't all been trained of military spelling! I confess I once spelled "That's D, as in dunderhead..."

53points

Woman Moves Out Of Parents' Home After They Asked Her To Give Her Space To Brother, They Freak Out

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#27

I had one, not too many months ago, from a Spanish speaking man. I answered, he immediately began speaking in Spanish. No big deal, I say "No habla, uno momento por favor, translator line." and get the language line on the phone and ask questions that they translate and give me his responses for. Nothing big, he just heard some shouting and odd noises.

Suddenly the language line drops, and I'm still on the phone with the guy. In broken high school Spanish, I tell him "One minute, I'm sorry!" as I try to fumble my keypad to redial language line. He just responds, in perfect, nearly accentless English, "So... Are the cops coming?"

My brain freezes and I just manage to say, "Yes sir, they've been dispatched. Call us back if anything changes." "Okay, thanks." *Click*.

I stared at my screens for a hot minute before breaking into distressed laughter.

theburningstars Report

Final score:

90points

POST

Cosmikid 7 months ago

Oh, right. Try "Ingles, por favor?" before going for the translator....

35points

#28

In addition to 911, my agency also answers non-emergency calls. We mostly have women on my shift and we had one guy keep calling until he finally got the lone male operator for that morning so he can air his complaint to “someone who would understand”. He used a toilet in one of the buildings we dispatch maintenance for and his complaint was that the water level was too high... and he knows this because his balls touched the water when he sat down.

mserjohnb Report

Final score:

88points

POST

Tracy Wallick 7 months ago

That was not the reason I was expecting, but I totally understand.

41points

Woman Refuses To Chip In For Babysitting Because She Doesn’t Even Have Kids, Asks If She’s A Jerk

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“This Breaks My Heart”: People Stunned—And Angry—After Woman Buys Lost Luggage From Airport

#29

911 Calls During Which Dispatchers Could Barely Stop Themselves From Laughing (35 Moments) My department dispatches our area's animal control after hours. Once received a call from a guy freaking out because he caught a possum in his house. I asked him which room he was able to confine the animal and he didn't tell me which room, but said he trapped it in a microwave. I had many questions.

giga_impact03 , David Clode Report

Final score:

83points

POST

glowworm2 7 months ago

"Sir, this is not Gremlins!"

41points

Deborah B 7 months ago

If you've trapped it in the microwave, why not just carry the microwave outside, unlatch the door, and release the poor possum?

10points

Jaya 7 months ago

I think some people have a built-in microwave?

12points

BubblesTheSugarGlider 7 months ago

the picture is of a sugar glider not a possum lol

9points

Cosmikid 7 months ago (edited)

Nice Aussie possum there, except its flight membranes are showing.... are Sugar Gliders also possums?

4points

Ken Beattie 7 months ago

Technically yes, Sugar Gliders are small possums.

2points

Lara Verne 7 months ago

Poor possum

1point

Whitkat 7 months ago

I too, have many questions.

0points

Linda Riebel 7 months ago

That's not a possum, but never mind. Oh wait, Australia has neat little mammals they call possums.....

-2points

Zelda McLink 7 months ago

LITTLE? Brushies are bigger than a standard cat.

0points

#30

911 Calls During Which Dispatchers Could Barely Stop Themselves From Laughing (35 Moments) I'm not an operator, this is just a story from my dad.

He was pressing random buttons in his car a few months ago, trying to figure out some stuff. He ended up pressing a 911 button, and when they answered my dad was insanely confused. Once they had a few laughs, the operator told him to hang up. Thing is though, he doesn't know how to.

It was pretty funny.

snobro110 , Matoo.Studio Report

Final score:

81points

POST

Cosmikid 7 months ago (edited)

"RTFM" - used to be universally understood and used- and Dad should bloody know it. RTFM ! Know it! Do it! :-)

17points

#31

911 Calls During Which Dispatchers Could Barely Stop Themselves From Laughing (35 Moments) I used to do overnight security, and have had to call 911 several times. My favorite was a gentleman who was obviously on something, jittery, touching his face a lot, couldn't sit still. He tried to break into a house next to our campus. So I dialed 911 right then. As I'm giving them a description of what he is wearing, he starts stripping his clothes off, running across our campus. So I have to tell the 911 operator, "Yeah, he butt naked in the middle of street, laying down. I think he's doing the worm." We lost the guy on cameras, no clue where he is. Five cop cars show up and they round up the only guy in our area with no shoes or a shirt. We went outside to give the cops a statement, and the guy is trying to convince the police that he is the one who called them to report someone stealing his shoes. The cops don't buy it for a second. But they let him go, and he just runs off into the night. Barefoot, no shirt.

notliketwoface , Jordan Whitt Report

Final score:

70points

POST

Cosmikid 7 months ago

Yep. "Kite-high and crazy - let him go!" lol

27points

"I Didn't Start The Dryer": Karen Gets Taught A Lesson After Throwing Out Neighbor's Wet Clothes

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Guy Divorced 3 Years Ago Drops Off 3 Y.O. With His Ex-Wife Completely Out Of The Blue

#32

911 Calls During Which Dispatchers Could Barely Stop Themselves From Laughing (35 Moments) I was a relay operator for the deaf, hard of hearing, and speech disabled. Was instructed to call 9-1-1 because a guy left his cardigan at the doctor's office. (Fair play to him; the doctor's answering machine outgoing message, which I faithfully relayed to him, did indeed say "if this is an emegency, dial 9-1-1.).

zipitb***hurdeadtome , Chad Madden Report

Final score:

63points

POST

Cosmikid 7 months ago

Interesting world where a forgotten sweater is an emergency. Could be, though.

8points

#33

911 Calls During Which Dispatchers Could Barely Stop Themselves From Laughing (35 Moments) I spent a few months as an EMS call receiver when I wasn't in the field. I had more than a few calls that had me shaking my head or in disbelief, but only one where I had to hand my headset to the guy next to me.

Once I confirmed the address and that the caller was requesting an ambulance, I asked the most obvious question: Why do you need an ambulance? The caller, sounding like a young woman, spoke in such a hushed tone that I couldn't hear her.

She mumbed "There's hrumfeses coming out myhurgina"

"What?"

She repeated herself, " I've got hrumfeses coming out myhurgina"

"I'm sorry, I can't hear you."

Apparently this exchange took too long, because a very angry male voice came out of the receiver.

"SHE GOT S**T COMIN' OUT HER P***Y" I was caught so off guard I just cracked, I handed my headset to the guy next to me, I couldn't even explain why. He finished the call, hung up and just looked at me, shook his head and went back to his own terminal.

Zer0flames , Yan Krukau Report

Final score:

63points

POST

Debby Keir 7 months ago

That's not actually funny - you can get a 'track' (hole) between the bowel and the vagina or uterus, and then pass faeces. It's actually a very dangerous condition and can lead to sepsis.

71points

“All Three Shot Out Pink”: Triplets' Baby Shower Turns Sour, Pregnant Wife Wants A Divorce

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College Student Does Exactly As Told After Roommates Demand They Keep Their Stuff In Their Room

#34

911 Calls During Which Dispatchers Could Barely Stop Themselves From Laughing (35 Moments) My SO is an EMT and has many hilarious stories. The one she loves to share is: she was responding to a frequent flier (they call a lot!) who was basically given the choice to ride with them to the hospital or go to jail for the abuse of calling 911 again.... This patient was wearing a robe. They brought him to the hospital and he's drunk as always. When she does the call in for the hospital the hospital asks if the guy is wearing a blue robe. She says he is. You've never heard such displeasure in a persons voice when the hospital replied "We will be happy to see YOU when you get here". So they get to the hospital and put the guy in a room. My SO goes to check the guy in while her partner stays in the room with the guy. The nurse was upset and said "Oh no, I've heard about this guy. I've worked here so long and never seen him". My SO goes back into the room and the guy is walking out of the bathroom and his robe is wide open. She then learned he was not wearing any underwear. The nurse came in, saw the guy, threw her hands up in the air and walked out without saying anything.

the_werellama , tripleigrek Report

Final score:

60points

POST

Cosmikid 7 months ago (edited)

response thought out ahead of time! "Oh, dear! I'm so sorry to see that! So it just keeps getting smaller and smaller, huh? It's very sad..."

55points

#35

911 Calls During Which Dispatchers Could Barely Stop Themselves From Laughing (35 Moments) I used to be a 911 operator from 2014-2018. I was also responsible for training new hires on answering phones. One day, I get a medic call for a guy wanting an ambulance because he has hemorrhoids. I try to get more information from him like his name, phone number, and where he's located. I get all of that he starts screaming "MY A*****E, MY A*****E". During his screams about his a*****e, I turn to my trainee and blankly stare at her. That was about 6 years ago. We still joke about it to this day.

reelin5 , Chris F Report

Final score:

50points

POST

Donteatme666 7 months ago

Hemorrhoids do hurt a lot

22points

I am a writer at Bored Panda. I have loved creating and writing down stories about people and things since I was little and I think this passion led me to get degrees in sociology, communication, and journalism. These degrees opened various paths for me, and I got a chance to be a volunteer in the human rights field, and also try myself out in social research and journalism areas. Besides writing, my passions include pop culture: music, movies, TV shows; literature, and board games. In fact, I have been dubbed a board games devotee by some people in my life.

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I am a visual editor here. In my free time I enjoy the vibrant worlds of art galleries, exhibitions, and soulful concerts. Yet, amidst life's hustle and bustle, I find solace in nature's embrace, cherishing tranquil moments with beloved friends. Deep within, I hold a dream close - to embark on a global journey in an RV, accompanied by my faithful canine companion. Together, we'll wander through diverse cultures, weaving precious memories under the starry night sky, fulfilling the wanderlust that stirs my soul.

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What do you think ?

POST

Multa Nocte 7 months ago

Several of these were of calls from people with mental illness. I didn't find them that funny. I know you need to develop "armour" when you are dealing with harrowing situations, but if you are laughing at people with mental illness, you aren't laughing with me.

17points

BookFanatic 7 months ago

We (public library) had a heartbreaking "911-email" from a lady last week. She lives alone, no family/friends, and no telephone. She wanted us to call the police because she couldn't get her medications. So we called the non-emergency. Turns out she's well-known by the local cops. She doesn't trust the cops. She trusts librarians. Never say libraries are no longer useful, folks.

15points

Whitkat 7 months ago

Years ago, as a child, they taught us if you're alone and need help libraries are a safe place. The librarians will always help you. I'm sure she was taught this as well.

2points

Cosmikid 7 months ago

Not 911, but I was the "Information" phone guy for our Natural History Museum. I bet Bored Panda could mine some good stories from similar situations. My favorite... guy is kind of having a hard time asking his question- eventually gets around to; "Ok, the thing, my buddies at the bar- ... um... have a bet. We need to know..." "Ok. I'll do what I can for you..?" "Um. ok. um... How do turtles do it?" Foolish me..actually knowing a fair amount about turtles, mind goes to many places..... "How do turtles do WHAT?" I say. 'You know!... IT." The light dawns. And it's not that easy to explain over the phone!

14points

Charity Angel 7 months ago

Non-mammalian reproduction is a bit dicey to explain to anyone if they don't have a natural inclination towards the sciences anyway - over the phone for a bunch of potentially drunk guys? Yeah, I don't envy you that at all!

4points

Marnie 7 months ago

I don't know why Multa Nocte got downvoted. I think the same. I do understand why the 911 callers might need to just view things with some dark humor to stay sane. But that doesn't mean that the rest of us should all find it funny and be laughing at the mentally ill people.

11points

Feathered Dinosaur 7 months ago

A year or so ago I set a cooking pot on fire and called 112 in a panic (I had already put out the fire). I never cook, so I had no experience with kitchen fires and thought I might get CO poisoning lol. I had already opened the window, and I'm also a doctor and should know better than to call 112 because of this, but well... at least I apologized to them for taking up their time

9points

wowbagger 7 months ago

Nothing wrong with that. Whenever there's a fire in your house, it's a good idea to at least check in with the fire department. They know the right questions to ask.

3points

EmBree 7 months ago

I found my hallway full of smoke, grabbed my toddler and ran to my neighbor and called 112. It was long before we had cellphones. The fire fighters arrived in no time and entered our home while I watched from the lawn. Then they calmly walked out again and explained to me that our electric radiator in the hallway was stuffed full of paper. Seems my toddler had played "mailbox". I framed the charred papers and put it on my office wall as a reminder that toddlers can, and will, do things you can't even imagine in 2 seconds or less.

7points

marianne eliza 7 months ago

When you work in a stressful situation like an emergency services dispatcher, you have to laugh sometimes to keep from crying. Didn't any of you ever watch M*A*S*H?

4points

John Nelson 7 months ago

Not a 911 story, but my very first live radio call as a new dispatcher many years ago was a routine traffic stop, running a license and plate. It was my mother! She heard my voice over the officer's radio and told him "he's never going to let me live this one down." She was right! :)

4points

TennesseeHomesteadUSA 7 months ago

BP is adding trackers ! The count goes up month by month on my tracker tracker... Several dozen on this page alone. The ads were bad enough. Now Google, FB, Twit, InMobi, Internal Ad Science, Yahoo, ChartBeat, Hotjar and comScore are all tracking you. But NOT tracking me... They're tracking and warehousing EVERY last thing you do on BP. How's it feel ? Am in IT security. One of the worst tracking sites I have seen. Used to be very few trackers here. More being added monthly... Loads of stuff about you being sold. They'll censor this post...

4points

Karen Klinck Klinck 7 months ago

My housemate had been working for 911 for about a month when they received a call from an old Polish lady. (No, I'm not laughing at her heavy accent; remember, she learned a whole 'nother language.) She's calling about the street corner behind one of our main parking garages. "There are two men there, they have their pants round their ankles, and they are doing *sexual things*." Now, the first thing a 911 operator is taught, and this is stressed heavily, is to get a body to talk to. So she says, "Would you be willing to talk to the police, ma'am?" The old lady replies, in a fairly shocked and reproachful voice, "Oh, no! I am busy watching!"

3points

Olli Hawk 7 months ago

Not very funny, just strange- I called once because a clearly mentally ill person smashed up my paintings that I was selling unprovoked, and then kept swinging at me and windmilling his arms at me. For my safety and also his own safety I reported him and when my parents found out the yelled at me and told me that what I did was incredibly stupid and “that’s how you get yourself 🍇ed” I don’t see how reporting vandalism and a*****t can get me 🍇ed but okay

3points

Melissa Harris 7 months ago

Not calling the police when someone is violent and incoherent is also how you can get assaulted.

6points

Gustav Gallifrey 7 months ago

Because of the ubiquity of American television shows, there has to be active campaigns in some countries to encourage people to NOT call 911. In Australia, for instance, the emergency services number is 000, (in the UK, it's 999) and there are reminders here and there that 000 is the number to call, not 911 as TV//films may have influenced you to think of.

2points

Charity Angel 7 months ago

In the UK, I believe we *can* actually dial 911 now, and get routed to 999/112. I heard that a few years ago.

1point

Olli Hawk 7 months ago

Not a real story but who remembers that one scene in diary of a wimpy kid where the little boy calls 911 because there were no ketchup packets

1point

Donteatme666 7 months ago

These were dark and funny

1point

BoredBranzino 7 months ago

The first time I had to call 911, I didn't realize they insisted upon staying on the phone with you (even if the emergency wasn't in your immediate personal area). It was about 2am, gun shots woke me up. I didn't move except to reach my phone and pull it to my face dialing 911. Reported shots fired, and while giving my address, 2 more shots rang out....closer than before. 911 asked if that was 2 more shots. I confirmed. Said they were dispatching police immediately. I thanked her and hung up. She called back immediately. I told her since there was a rash of home invasions in my area I didn't want to be on the phone talking to her so they could find me and shoot me, and hung up. She called back. I turned my phone off, didn't move until I heard the police cars leave the neighborhood.

0points

POST

Multa Nocte 7 months ago

17points

BookFanatic 7 months ago

15points

Whitkat 7 months ago

Years ago, as a child, they taught us if you're alone and need help libraries are a safe place. The librarians will always help you. I'm sure she was taught this as well.

2points

Cosmikid 7 months ago

14points

Charity Angel 7 months ago

4points

Marnie 7 months ago

11points

Feathered Dinosaur 7 months ago

9points

wowbagger 7 months ago

Nothing wrong with that. Whenever there's a fire in your house, it's a good idea to at least check in with the fire department. They know the right questions to ask.

3points