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There's no bond between two people more special than marriage. At least in the beginning. But like most special things, it slowly becomes less special with time, and before you know it you're being forced to share your pizza with a person who won't even let you use their iPhone charger, even though they always use yours. Sound familiar? Then check out this list of 2016's funniest tweets about marriage. Compiled by Bored Panda, the collection is sure to have every married person secretly nodding in agreement. Don't forget to vote for the funniest!
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#1
TimmyBerry 8 years ago
So she should be expecting more of whatever it is that made her say it after all he is under the influence of "Brainlesness"!lol
RELATED:
#2
Tiny Dynamine 8 years ago
Sounds like a joke from "Friends" - You could see it coming a mile off.
#3
over opinionated 8 years ago
So sorry for that. At least you have a hot wife who isn't shallow.
Hannah Kobayashi 8 years ago
I think he means he thinks the cashier thought they weren't a couple, there shopping together.
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#4
Amy Carter 8 years ago
I hear a, and my husband on many nights. oh and as a bonus sometimes my dog chimes in.
#5
Ellen Ripley 8 years ago
I actually get this one because i ask it a lot to my boyfriend. Every morning he does this noisy and worrying yet annoying breathing. Six years and i still dont get why.
Jackie Alaniz 8 years ago
I'm guilty of questioning my husband of his weird breathing patterns. Hahah sorry!!
#6
Shai Yammanee 8 years ago
I'm the complete opposite. I always write the a list, just to make sure I get everything, then I get questioned about why I just can't remember the items.
#7
Juana 8 years ago
Maybe try doing your dishes and picking up your garbage before she walks in. Just a thought.
Amy Carter 8 years ago
If you know you're gonna get yelled then you know what you did, so maybe don't do it.
Krista Thoroski 8 years ago
Maybe pick her up from the airport when you said you were going to!!
#8
Tiny Dynamine 8 years ago
I was on a long train journey one time in a carriage with an old couple. The woman just talked endlessly at the man for hours and all he did was nod. Poor man!
Mariya Stoyanova 8 years ago
That is called consistency :D :D they say if you start something you should finish it
Steve Moore 8 years ago
I've seen plenty of couples queue up together to buy age-restricted items. When I ask the gent for his birthdate, his girlfriend/wife gives it to me. They don't even let the poor bloke speak for himself !
#9
DancingToMyself 8 years ago
Because of this type of wife the whole world has the point when say that all the women are like this.
#10
Johnny Slapstick 8 years ago
You can stop daydreaming about this because the cyborg Nazis would totally win. I am in no way a Nazi, but the introduction of the cyborg element makes them immune to becoming zombies themselves, plus they are much stronger than zombies. The real question is would zombie ninjas be quick or slow and do they have the motor skills to wield swords and nunchuks?
Kyra Limbach 8 years ago
I would love to hear daydreams about zombie ninjas fighting ciborg nazis from my future partner
Daria B 8 years ago
True! Me too! Also saw this one before and wrote the same thing. You must be my soulmate, Kyra. ♥ ^_-
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Leslie Martinez 8 years ago
If only mine would pause that to lie about it... but i would much rather be interested zombies and cyborgs. Lol
over opinionated 8 years ago
My biggest fantasy is sleeping a full 8 hours uninterrupted. I think I have a more active imagination then he does.
#11
over opinionated 8 years ago
Everything tastes better when drunk from a vase. Everyone knows that
#12
#13
Stephanie de Blaauw 8 years ago
I do that with my mum... that and a lot of other non descript hints that no one else would know
TimmyBerry 8 years ago
Its more lime two phrases that doesnt even make a complete sentence.. Lol
#14
Fifi Latte 8 years ago
My husband said this about the dishwasher. I laughed and walked away. There is GIANT pile of dishes in the sink. The dishwasher is broken
over opinionated 8 years ago
The hubby and I have an understanding that's always worked. S/he who cooks the other cleans. Works wonderful. I love cooking and he loves eating. I rarely do dishes.
It's Caturday 8 years ago
The bro is smart, he still wants to get laid that week
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Mariya Stoyanova 8 years ago
No man experienced in marriage would take the bait called "it's up to you". It is a trap for rookies and newlyweds :D :D
Bobbi Newell 8 years ago
Rookie wife too - she DOESN'T HAVE TO COOK!!! D: D:
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Nelda Gillihan 8 years ago
That was my husband and me, only the other way around! Drove me crazy!!!!
#16
#17
Leslie Martinez 8 years ago
Well when you put it that way.... i have things to reconsider
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John 8 years ago
My wife and I actually try to scare each other in the shower. Probably messed up. One of us will slip and die eventually...
Maggie Grover Bacher 8 years ago
poor girl, just trying to get a moment to herself to get clean and some maniac comes in asking for cheetos of all things
Christine Packard Didier 8 years ago
After my boyfriend says why are you screaming, who the bell else would be opening the shower curtain(it's just the 2of us)? I say it's not that I didn't know who it was, it's that you startled me. He never gets it. I love him anyway.
#19
#20
over opinionated 8 years ago
How does anyone search for 13 different things in the span of 7 minutes?
#21
#22
#23
over opinionated 8 years ago
After 9months of pregnancy hours of labour and possibly a c section you hope to god the baby is identical to you not daddy.
Leck Goodnough 8 years ago
We are lucky-our baby does look just like his dad! bath-baby-...4ebec4.jpg 
#25
#26
Fau Melo 8 years ago
I think we soukd find a new name for therapist. I only read "the rapist" :/
Julia Sellberg 8 years ago
I just read "the rapist" and wondered why a rapist would ask a wife such a question...
Julia Sellberg 8 years ago
I just read "the rapist" and was wondering why a rapist would ask the wife a thing like that.. (english not my mother tounge)
DancingToMyself 8 years ago
Language. Mother language. :) But I see your point.
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Michael Warner 8 years ago
Eric, you're okay. You should do more fish puns for the halibut. She needs to stop whaling every time you krill it with your jokes. It cod be that she's just shellfish that she didn't think of it first.
#27
Tabitha Trevino 8 years ago
I hate buying toilet paper. I always buy multiple big packs. Why the dread I don't know
Nina Esbjörnsson 8 years ago
Why? There are games on it...and books and magazines....perfect for the bathroom!
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Shari H 8 years ago
Wipes are horrible for the sewer system and should only be used if you have a septic tank. (Guess where I work).
Load More Replies... #28
Glenys Stone 8 years ago
I ask, he always replies with "what have you got?", or "whatever is easiest!"
John Ashley 8 years ago
Not a good idea if you happen to be the one who has to make it. You make it, you get to choose.
#29
Matthew Thornton 8 years ago
Me. *bleeding * where is the first aid kit? Her. In the bathroom. Me. Where? Her. In the drawer. Me. Which one? After half an hour, I emerged from the bathroom with my toe wrapped in toilet paper. Her. Did you find it?
#30
#32
Dwayne Marlborough 8 years ago
Key word: "boyfriend." Save these and read them on your tenth anniversary. Whole new perspective.
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#33
Dracule Mihawk 8 years ago
I'm glad I'm not the only one who noticed. The thumbnail is painted.
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over opinionated 8 years ago
Question 1: who invented an inflatable unicorn horn for cats? And 2: who buys an inflatable unicorn horn for cats?
#34
BobbyK 8 years ago
First, she was always TOO hot. Window open - 20 degrees - I freeze. Now she is TOO cold. Thermostat set to boiling. I melt. Ain't love grand?!
John Ashley 8 years ago
Wait til menopause kicks in. Then it won't be the lack of (or disinterest in) sex that will get to you most.
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#35
#36
#37
Maggie Grover Bacher 8 years ago
followed by "the look" and him going to the store for milk before she smacks him
#38
Cody Eriksen 8 years ago
It's the Tire Pressure Monitor telling you you may have a flat....just in case anyone was wondering.... I work on cars....it's habit...
Marioara Popescu 8 years ago
Why did they make it look like a witch's cauldron?
Load More Replies... Maggie Grover Bacher 8 years ago
i t means that you hit something that is usable in the next brew. stop and get it while its fresh or some other witch will.
Flora Polvado 8 years ago
FYI, in the state of Tennessee, USA, you can legally harvest your own roadkill. Just report it to the local game warden.
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Kara Myers 8 years ago
tire pressure is off or the device that detects tire pressure isn't functioning correctly lol had to deal with this at 3 AM as my fiance was driving me to work....phone and manual....it took awhile to find it
Becci Cleary 8 years ago
This was me last week...I said an outdoor tap...apparantly it's the engine management light - who knew 😯😂
#39
Tracy Baparam 8 years ago
So glad I'm not the only one with this struggle, Every Freaking Day!
Maggie Grover Bacher 8 years ago
or the kids. "i can't find my shoe!" "look at your right hand" *picks up hand that was ON the shoe in question and looks at it.* "yeah, i'm done helping you"
Claire Mellusco 8 years ago
I've asked my husband to say 'I can't find it' rather than 'it's not here'. Saved our marriage!
Matthew Thornton 8 years ago
Me. *bleeding * where is the first aid kit? Her. In the bathroom. Me. Where? Her. In the drawer. Me. Which one? After half an hour, I emerged from the bathroom with my toe wrapped in toilet paper. Her. Did you find it?
#41
#42
#44
Sasy 8 years ago
it is more likely freak her out with that, so she is relieved to hear the real reason lol
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#46
TimmyBerry 8 years ago
Yeah its more like agreeing u were the one who oversalted the dish when u really didnt near the kitchen,just to save her
#48
Shari H 8 years ago
And then the person who finally realizes the trash is at max capacity getting mad that the other person didn't take it out sooner. 20+ years of successful marriage here folks, still pushing down the garbage...
Marioara Popescu 8 years ago
Why is it so complicated to take out garbage?
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DirtFroggy 8 years ago
omg! This is true! i am the wife and I end up taking it out. when it gets so full you cant put anything else in it he just gets another garbage bag and starts filling that on top of the original garbage can!
Master Markus 8 years ago
Ugh, no, that's bad roommates. I don't want to be married to someone who's a bad roommate.
#49
#50
#52
#53
Jamie Heatly 8 years ago
Yeah my husband won't even go near the stove. He's afraid that's it's gonna magically turn on all by itself and burn him lol
#54
#56
#57
Cat Meow 8 years ago
Husband: Running low on clean underwear, should do laundry himself. It's not like it's strictly a women thing to do...
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#58
#59
Abbie Smith 8 years ago
Was telling my husband this, I just gave him the stare for the wife blank, he thought he honestly did something wrong xD
#60
#61
over opinionated 8 years ago
*Sets Wal-Mart alarm clocks to go off in one minute intervals ten minutes from now. Waits and watches a safe distance away.*
#62
over opinionated 8 years ago
Lmao. How excited the hubby gets when he wins a $50 pro-line (Ontario Canada sports lottery)
#63
over opinionated 8 years ago
I don't get mad. I get irked miffed upset and frustrated but not mad. That's too easy for them. I like to throw curve balls once in a while.
#64
Elaina Moss 8 years ago
Oh yea...oh hey, did you need help with that? No, I got it now...that it's done...
over opinionated 8 years ago
I'm sorry and thank you to my poor hubby who literally does EVERYTHING
#65
JillVille Child Care 8 years ago
If all those boxes contain costumes, I want that basement! Oh the fun we could have!!
#66
#67
#68
over opinionated 8 years ago
Men like when you're around but not in there way. They hate being alone but don't bother them... especially during play offs.
#69
#70
#71
Steve Moore 8 years ago
Ever try to convince your beloved that , contrary to his/her misapprehension, there are TWO a's in "caramel" ? Really gets up my nose when I hear "carmel."
#75
#76
It's Caturday 8 years ago
"...is smarter than I". There, fixed it for you. The world is full of grammatical errors. It's going to be OK! We will somehow survive.
Load More Replies... Tiny Dynamine 8 years ago
Wrong! 'me' is the object pronoun not the subject.
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#78
#79
Danielle Gardner 8 years ago
That's actually quite clever! Not sure how that helps things though, you can't help that you snore :/
#80
#86
#92
#94
#98
#102
JoAnne Costello 8 years ago
Definitely on if the paper isn't cascading over the top of the roll!
Zvezdan Milakovic 8 years ago
The eternal battle in our apartment - who turns the tp the right way.
#104
#105
Steve Moore 8 years ago
Cor, I don't half envy this bloke. I "get" to store my knickers in a drawer of our bedroom's entertainment centre !
#117
#133
Lauren Frank 8 years ago
During an argument: Me: that’s not logical. It doesn’t make any sense. W: I DON’T CARE Me: well ok then. I guess you win
#134
Claire Mellusco 8 years ago
The entire place is soaked and the brand new bottle of bathroom spray is half empty, that's how I tell.
Jennifer Crompton 8 years ago
The mirrors are streaked, the corners of the counters are still dusty, the top of the toilet tank and the base of the toilet are still dirty, and it's obvious that someone mopped around the trash can and scale without moving it . Basically, it looks like my 10 yr old son did it. Lol.
#140
#152
Lucy Sharp 8 years ago
This one I disagree with. I'm a bit OCD in the sense that I like the dishes next to the sink and not in the sink...
Kelly Dawson 8 years ago
Totally agree, if you put them in the sink then I have to take them out to fill the sink, that just makes more work for me x
Load More Replies... Jennifer Crompton 8 years ago
I think this one is some kind of mental illness that only afflicts men. My husband also leaves dirty clothes next to the hamper instead of in it and he also piles up recyclables on the end of the counter instead of in the bin that's 5 feet away. I wonder if they've developed a medication for it yet....
DirtFroggy 8 years ago
My husband sits everything on the kitchen table that is like 2 feet from sink!
#155
Dwayne Marlborough 8 years ago
Notice the lack of comments arguing against it? Js
Load More Replies... Marioara Popescu 8 years ago
Wait, why would you pack condoms, to have sex with strangers? And tell your wife? Or have sex with strangers together? I am not getting this.
#159
Cassandra Johnson 8 years ago
How is this not higher up? All I can hear is that sound now... It's unnerving...
#161
Jennifer Crompton 8 years ago
Ooooh this is a touchy one. You have to split up the job here. Wife packs the bags, husband packs the car and neither are allowed input on the other's part. It's the only way to stay married. Lol
#163
Amanda H. 8 years ago
My parents recently celebrated their 16th anniversary and my dad still wakes my mom up every dat for a goodbye kiss. Sometimes she complaints cuz she wants to sleep. It's hilarious.
Jennifer Crompton 8 years ago
Hubs and I have been married 15 years and he always wakes me up to kiss me goodbye. I'd be really sad if he didn't.
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#170
Jennifer Crompton 8 years ago
Balding in men, especially men that go bald on the young side, is caused by high levels of testosterone. I think women are subconsciously attracted to men with high testosterone. That's my theory on why most bald men are already taken 😉
Dwayne Marlborough 8 years ago
That's just a rumor started by a bald guy.
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What do you think ?
Jim Doire 8 years ago
I've been happily married for 34 years and all of these are so true. You quickly cut the bull and get down to business in a real relationship. If a couple never fights, someone is giving in way too much. They've become a dish rag.
Nettan Andersson 8 years ago
Get married they said. It will be fun they said. Now we are getting a divorce...#marriedfor3monthsitwillbefuntheysaid
Mark O'Connor 8 years ago
My Wife likes to talk to me during Sex!! She calls me from motel rooms!
Joane Whitehouse 8 years ago
Hard to pick just one best. They're all so funny, I especially liked #1, 10 & 53
Onoriode Elofusim 8 years ago
They are all so funny and hilarious but display realities of being married. I especially enjoyed those by James Breakwell. Love this post.
Jim Doire 8 years ago
I've been happily married for 34 years and all of these are so true. You quickly cut the bull and get down to business in a real relationship. If a couple never fights, someone is giving in way too much. They've become a dish rag.
Nettan Andersson 8 years ago
Get married they said. It will be fun they said. Now we are getting a divorce...#marriedfor3monthsitwillbefuntheysaid
Mark O'Connor 8 years ago
My Wife likes to talk to me during Sex!! She calls me from motel rooms!
Joane Whitehouse 8 years ago
Hard to pick just one best. They're all so funny, I especially liked #1, 10 & 53
Onoriode Elofusim 8 years ago
They are all so funny and hilarious but display realities of being married. I especially enjoyed those by James Breakwell. Love this post.
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